It's a beautiful day here, nice and sunny out. It's 17 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. The air is so clean. We just finished filling the bird feeders. This provides endless entertainment for our two cats.

This is what we have come to...
We woke up this morning, and got ready for breakfast. Kent called me yesterday to plan breakfast for the weekend. We usually eat at home, and weekend breakfasts have become kind of special to us because it's just the two of us here, and it's quiet time. We can relax and talk about our week and other things.

So, Kent planned to have bagels this morning, accompanied by low fat cream cheese (it's gotten so much better from a few years ago), capers, smoked salmon, fresh tomato, and red onion.

Sunday morning, we are going to make a frittata, that varies from time to time. We have this great frittata pan that never fails. Frittatas of course require eggs. While preparing the the ingredients for the bagels, Kent said, "Damn, I forgot to pick up eggs for the frittatas. I'll pick some up later today."

So here we are preparing breakfast. I get out the salmon and capers while he is busy slicing the tomato and onion. Then all the sudden he says, "Shit! I forgot to get the bagels." I followed, "What the hell is wrong with you? You forget the eggs, and now the bagels?!?!" It sounds awful in writing, but it was said with a smile on my face, and a great deal of love. We sound like an old married couple. You should hear us in the grocery store.

So as I write this, breakfast is on hold, and I'm waiting for him to get home with the required ingredients for these two wonderful breakfasts.

Growing older makes for more interesting events. I can't wait for the day that we look down and ask, "What the hell is that for?" It's like going back to being a baby boy again.

I haven't posted for awhile. The fact is, I've been sick. When you are sick, it's really hard to get motivated about anything. Kent has been gone for the last two and a half weeks to South Africa. I concentrated on work. But the evenings were lonely. Two and a half weeks is longer than you think, especially when you are going to bed at 8:00 every night just completely exhausted.

But I'm feeling a bit better now, and Kent got home last night. So I'm getting life back on track.

There's so many things that I've wanted to write about, but somehow life got in the way. I wanted to write about the hideous message written by The Observer, the student newspaper from Notre Dame University. It was a take off of a really bad and homophobic joke that went something like... "What is the easiest way to turn a fruit into a vegetable? With AIDS." But then the staff decided that it wasn't nice to make fun of a "fatal disease". So they took out the AIDS reference and said, "How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? With a baseball bat."

I've thought about writing about it, but a few things came to mind. One is that I'm really quite amazed that 30 years after AIDS hit the gay community so hard, that it's still considered by some to be funny. Even Bob Hope made jokes about gay people dying of AIDS. I suppose awareness has reached a high by the staff of The Observer, who came to the conclusion that just maybe it's not "ok" to make fun of a "fatal disease".

So, after this was published, all hell broke loose, and the editor of the paper ended up resigning. Fine. Whatever it takes for the Catholic University to save face right? But it's not right. Notre Dame has not yet come out and spoke out against it. Not really. The President of the university made a weak statement, and that was it. The Observer has apologized. You can read more about it here if you'd like.

At any rate, I no longer have the energy or time to waste on worthless people who have nothing else better to do than inflict pain on others.

Then, I read about the win of Scott Brown in Massachusetts to the U.S. Senate. I have mixed feelings about this. First off, the Democrats are solely responsible for this. They've dropped the ball on so many things. It seems that all they can do if fight amongst themselves without solving anything. Meanwhile, Scott Brown wins. The Democrats don't need an enemy. They have one in themselves. The health care issue should have been put to rest six months ago, and the President should be talking about JOBS now.

And here we have Scott Brown, someone who has voted for a state constitutional amendment against same sex marriage in Massachusetts twice, who said that two women who have a child is "not normal", and who has stated that he would be for a national constitutional amendment against gay marriage." The list goes on.

And for all the gay folks who voted for Scott Brown in Massachusetts, I understand you. I'm frustrated too. What I don't understand is how can you vote for someone who would strip you of your rights? I just don't understand that. I understand that there are other issues to attend to and that gay equality is just one of many, but I'm talking about the core of your identity. You can say that it's just one aspect of you. I agree with that. But, will you still be able to say that when it is enshrined in The Constitution of the United States that you are a second class citizen? Something to think about.

The rest of politics mean nothing to me because I realize now that things will go on one way or the other. This country will either rise and become great again (not looking good), or we will become bankrupt and without one shred of principle that The Constitution holds within it. This is quite beyond my control.

So, my days consist of going to work, coming home, spending time with my cats and family, and watching my favorite shows on TV. I know, not very exciting, but I'm just being honest.

I can't wait for Spring to get here.

POLITICS

According to Glenn Beck, every man, woman, and child owes $340,000 to pay for the current federal deficit. I can't stand Glen Beck because he makes my head hurt. BUT, I do love to color of his eyes. HOWEVER, he needs to learn to use MOISTURIZERS! As Vladimir Horowitz once said about the importance of "spontaneity" in performance, "...that's very important...". Well, it's very important to use moisturizers. In addition, what the hell is going on with his hair? I should stop listening to Fox News ("fair and balanced"), but I'm a curious creature so I can't help myself. So, I listen and then feel like a moron for listening to them. Final note... he has fairly good fashion sense, which probably means he has some gay man dressing him. Oh geez, let's not go there!

I've stopped tracking politics in general because 1) I'm generally disgusted with all of it and 2) I don't have the energy to worry about it anymore.

But I will say this... there's a big difference between the Republicans who sit back and complain about our debt and how great things used to be (even though they created a great deal of our debt on Iraq, the war of choice -- yes, I know they want to forget that and blame Obama, but it's the TRUTH, DAMN IT!), without offering any REAL solutions, and the Democrats... well, maybe there's not such a difference. I'm disgusted with both parties, which is probably why I stopped following politics in general. Which brings us to...

MAN TALK

Life is a strange thing. I guess I should give you some context. Kent is away for awhile. I go to work and do the best I can, but honestly, it's a struggle.

But I try to work within reality. WHAT IS REAL? Well, philosophers with many names have a lot to say about "What is Real?". I'm not that deep. I'm pretty much a meat and potatoes man. My goal is to just go to work, do the best I can, and try to get through the day on the energy that I have.

Today, I spoke to a coworker who went through some major health issues, as I have, in the last two years. He seemed to pick up on my demeanor I suppose. He kept telling me how long it takes to recover from surgery. He tells me things like, "Don't get discouraged.", "It can take up to two years to fully recover.". ok. I get it. Be patient.

But I'm not a patient person. Perhaps I'm trying too hard. Perhaps I have a higher expectation of myself than everyone else has. I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist. I've always tied to be the example in work ethic. But the truth is, I'm working very hard to maintain a very high bar in work ethics. My mental state is where the U.S. worker used to be in 1970.

But why do I need to do this? I've paid my dues. I've worked my butt off for years to get to where I am. I've enjoyed it. But the brutal truth is, with what I have now, I can't sustain that. I can't do what I did when I was 25 years old. Everyone at work understands that, except me. So, I'm used as a mental reservoir of knowledge because I've been there 23 years. That's fine I suppose. My time for physical involvement is over. So now, when I need a physical task done, I call another department and tell them what I need. Then, the 20 year old guys will come out and do what I'm no longer able to do. That's a hard one for me to get used to.

Finally, one of my coworkers and I were talking, in the men's restroom no less, issues with urinating. Yes, we were alone. There's a bit of humor here. I told him, "I'm standing at the urinal and doing my thing. This young guy comes in, and it sounds like Niagara Falls in the stall next to me. He finishes, washes his hands, and leaves. I'm left there finishing up. It seems to take forever". The man I was talking to understood this because he's three years older than me. He told me, "Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is different."

Well, that is certainly true.

On June 5th, I went in for double bypass heart surgery. It would seem that I have the same condition that took my father's life way back in 1961. But in 2009, medical advances have made it possible to save my life.

What followed the operation was a long recovery that was painful and slow. But every single awful thing in life has a silver lining. In my case, that lining was made of gold. This is what came out of this experience I had...

1) I'm lucky to be alive. I thank my doctor for this who, on a hunch, sent me for tests that proved that I was not suffering from asthma, but something far more dangerous. If he had not done that, the specialists said that there was an 80% chance that I would be dead within three years.

2) I'm lucky to have had so much support during this time. Our parents (Kent's folks) have been amazing. They flew out to stay with us for two weeks after I was released from the hospital. Kent has been there the whole time. I have no idea how I would have made it through all of this without my family.

3) I'm not alone. Aside from my family, I received no less than 100 cards and several hundred emails wishing me the best during a difficult time.

The hard part now is to try to find myself again. My body is different, and it feels different. I still tire easily and there's only so much I can do in a day. Yes, it's VERY frustrating. But, I'm trying, and part of that is going to the gym. I'm trying for no less than three times a week, and hopefully more. It's hard to do because I see all around me these young guys who run for almost an hour hardly breaking a sweat. And here I am on my treadmill, walking fast with a slight incline for no more than 30 minutes with a maximum heart rate that can go no higher than 125. That's all. And after that's done, I'm pretty much out of energy for the rest of the day. I'm told that recovery takes a full year, so I guess by next summer I'll know what my permanent condition will be.

Kent leaves for South Africa again this coming Sunday. He will be gone for two and a half weeks. The last time he was in South Africa, he ended up coming home early so I could have my operation. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive at being home completely alone for that long, but this will be a test. I need to know I can do this.

So, life goes on and I'm happy to put 2009 behind us. It's been the worst year of my life, but that means 2010 will surely be better! And who knows, talk of marriage for us is in the works.

Finally, I want to offer congratulations to gay couples in New Hampshire. As of today, in their state, they are equal to straight couples in their state. As of today, gay couples in New Hampshire have access to marriage. Congrats guys and gals!

I bet that not a single gay marriage opponent would have cried if equal marriage had triumphed in the New York Senate last week.

They would have been angry, sure. They would have moaned about the "demise" of the traditional family.

Perhaps they would have even been afraid.

But sad to the point of tears? No.

That's because marriage equality is not personal for them. Not in the way it's personal for us. (Source)

Our back yard this morning...

The Hartford Symphony Orchestra is not the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. But at the concert last night, more times than not, I could close my eyes, and not hear a difference. It was simply outstanding.

I'm not saying the concert did not have flaws. There were some, particularly in the Tchaikovsky Fifth Symphony. The program...

• Bedřich Smetana - "Vltrave" ("The Moldau") from Má vlast ("My Fatherland")
• Jean Sibelius - Violin Concerto in D minor, Op. 47
• Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Op. 64

Bedřich Smetana - "Vltrave" ("The Moldau") from Má vlast ("My Fatherland")
This work has always been one of my favorites. The technical problem with this work is that it is more often than not, taken for granted. And, it's performed as such. People think it is a beautiful peace, but there is much darkness and turbulence in this work. And most orchestras gloss over this like it means nothing. Last night, I could hear all of this darkness in stunning clarity with these dark passages rippling through the orchestra without hiding their face to us. This is thanks in no small part to the conductor (I'll get to him in a minute) who paid particular attention to these important elements. And when the light of the sun triumphed over this darkness, it was simply breathtaking. Everything is a comparison to the other and when the sun came out, the excitement that this orchestra gave with this conductor at the helm sent shivers up my spine. The work has a lot of nationalism in it, or pride of country. And I found myself feeling that.

Jean Sibelius - Violin Concerto in D minor, Op. 47
This was an odd experience for me. Right after the Smetana, room was made for Leonid Sigal, the orchestras concertmaster, to perform the Sibelius Violin Concerto. But then they brought out a stool where he would play. They then secured the stool with weights on the feet of the stool. I was thinking, "How strange. He isn't seriously going to sit down and play this work." We all got quiet, and when he came out, he was holding his violin and bow in one hand, and limping out with a cane in the other hand. The stool it seems was to give him something to lean on. There was an injury to his leg and after he secured the cane to the back of the stool, he took his bow. You could see on his face that he was clearly in pain. I thought to myself, "This isn't a good sign. He shouldn't be up there."

Let me make one analogy of the Sibelius Violin Concerto, and something that Beverly Sills said once about "mad scenes" in opera. She was asked about mad scenes. She mentioned scenes in early opera that had some mad scenes, mad scenes in verismo opera where the lead character will go mad, and then she said, "... and then, there's Lucia", referring Lucia di Lammermoor, by Gaetano Donizetti. She put Lucia in it's own category because as she put it, Lucia didn't go mad, she was mad, and had this profound condition from start to end.

I mention this because this is exactly how I feel about the Sibelius Violin Concerto. In the violin literature, there are many violin concertos from the Classical era (1750 to 1820)* that offer their fair share of difficult passages. And then there are the concertos from the Romantic era (1820 to 1920)* that concentrate more on the virtuosity of the violinist. And then, there's the Sibelius, this concerto that towers over the others. It's not the virtuosity of the piece, it's simply to be avoided. In opera, you make a choice. The singer can be extremely virtuostic in terms of sheer notes in a given passage (for example coloratura, which emphasizes lightness, dexterity, and the higher range), or, darker heavier roles, such as Puccini, Verdi, or Strauss. In these works, the sacrifice of the fast moving passages for the singer, are gone. The reason, weight. The weight of the work, both emotionally and on the voice itself, sacrifices dexterity. So too is it with the Sibelius... kind of. The problem is, Sibelius doesn't sacrafice either. It's all there, passages that are just beyond human endurance, and emotional weight in the form of anguished dark moods. You will find hints of sunshine in this work, but it never wins.

In other words, it takes a toll on the violinist both technically and emotionally. Jascha Heifetz approached this work with the technical skill of a surgeon. Technically placed perfectly, yet leaving me unmoved. So last night, I was wondering how Hartford's Leonid Sigal was going to perform this work with his injury. It wasn't long into the work that I realized that he was using the pain to his advantage. The virtuosity was there, and the suffering on his face, from either the music or the pain, was genuine, and they worked with each other. It was an amazing experience to see. He didn't muddle his way through the work, he conquered it. And it was followed by a thunderous standing ovation. This was "our Lenny" after all, and I'm proud that he is with us in Hartford.

Pyotr Ilyish Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Op. 64
This work is close to my heart. When I was a young lad way back in 1973, I had the wonderful opportunity to tour Europe after I was accepted into America's Youth In Concert. This symphony was one of the works we performed. It was the last work we performed in New York City together, before I said goodbye to so many wonderful friends that I made on the tour. So for years, I went without listening to this work. But now, I'm ok with it. It was performed well, with a few exceptions. I noticed this in the third movement mostly with the very fast spiccato in the strings. They weren't quite together. They had the work under their fingers, so I believe this was a fault of the conductor through these passages. And it was only a couple of passages that I noticed this.

The second movement with the towering horn solo was magnificent. In fact, through this symphony, I must say that what really came through was the the great wind and brass sections of this orchestra. Honestly, they sounded like the renowned brass section from the Chicago Symphony. I put this squarely on the shoulders of the guest conductor last night. Far too often do conductors with string backgrounds (the guest conductor is a violinist) diminish the brass players as though they are second class to strings. You do this at your peril in music. It's a strict partnership and yet, you'd be surprised at how many conductors out there just don't get that. Concerning the second movement, the only criticism I have is that it was a bit too dry, or metronomic, for me. There are times in this movement that you break tempo and let the moment play out. I felt that a few opportunities were missed by "moving on" too quickly, when we should have stayed and savored the moment a bit more.

All in all, I was satisfied with this performance. It wasn't perfect. There were some flaws, but I felt the conductor added much welcomed interest in exposing inner passages here and there that are often just glossed over in recordings. He's on the right path. Those aren't just notes. They are COLOR!

About the conductor, Andrew Grams
The Hartford Symphony is searching for a new conductor. As such, different concerts feature different conductors. So far, Mr. Grams is my first choice. He brings to the podium a youthful energy, respect and appreciation for all sections of the orchestra as equals in a partnership, and his technique is precise and well executed.

I was able to attend his pre-concert talk at 7:00. Most conductors want to talk about the music that will be performed, and how it effects them. Not Mr. Grams. He was more interested about us, the audience, the community, and where we would like to see the Hartford Symphony go in this time of it's life. He made it clear that if he was selected, he would be much more interested on our feedback and what we wanted from the symphony. With that, he said, without that you will never be truly part of the life of this symphony. Brutally honest, and, he's right!

As for the music, he talked very briefly about it but then said (and I'm paraphrasing), "These are well known works. I have my feelings about them, but that's not important, and I'm sure most of you have lived with them through your lives. Each of us must listen to them and hear them in our own ways. And hopefully, I can bring something new to this experience for you." He then opened it up for questions from us. This never happened before. One question that caught my attention was this, "By doing works that are so well known to all of us, aren't you playing it safe by choosing those?" He answered that he didn't get to pick the program with the exception of the Smetana. The program was planned by the Board of Directors with the Sibelius and the Tchaikovsky. He pointed out that guest conductors rarely get to pick the compositions performed for any given orchestra. But they asked him to pick a piece that "wasn't too long." Perhaps this was a test from them to see what he would marry these two works with. He finally also mentioned regarding the question of "playing it safe", that by performing well known works, he confronts people who know these works, and that can be a double edged sword. Very true.

I'm glad I made this effort to drive to Hartford through a snow storm. I got there a bit cold and weary as it was snowing out, bought a glass of wine, took it to my seat with me (yes, they let us do that), and listened to Smetana's The Moldau in a live performance, as I sipped a nice Merlot.

* Note that these date ranges are approximate. You will find that among different sources, they will vary somewhat.

I've come to the conclusion that life has changed for me.

I don't want to say that it's changed in a bad way, because that's making a judgment that I'm not sure is accurate. Kent went on another trip to Washington, D.C. on Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I just hurt all over. So I stayed home and worked from home. I had a productive day, but it was quite easy to convince myself to stay home to work, when the fact is, I just didn't feel up to the full day. This is how I've changed, and I have to make peace with that.

I wanted to be in a place where I could work hard, but when I needed to, I could take that fifteen minutes to lie down on the bed to rest. I worked more, and took my walk in the afternoon as my exercise.

Other changes... I'm giving up more at work. I'm talking about sheer power and authority. In management, when you start delegating that, you are delegating the foundation of yourself - your place in the organization - your reason for being there. It hasn't been an easy decision for me to make and I'm not one to trust others easily, but the company I work for has been good to me. I want to return that to them. If I'm in jeopardy in any way, I can't leave them in the lurch because of me. That's just cold reality. I don't have the luxury of not dealing with that, given where I'm at.

Things are simpler now. I work just by myself at work, and every other thing is outsourced. I never discuss work stuff on this blog. There's a level of confidentiality that I will never break. I just mention it to say that work is really strange for me right now. I'm in this big room working by myself that used to be filled with people that I would share ideas with. Now, it's quiet. It's just me, and the occasional visitor.

Another issue that's happened is my graduation from the cardiac rehab. program at the hospital. Wednesday was my last day with them and they had a full graduation for me - cap and gown and all. I guess that sounds corny, but these people were my friends. It was sad because I know I will never see them again. Life will go on.

All of these changes lead me to believe that I'm not me anymore. I've changed. I'm just different now. I've noticed my interests have changed as well. It's harder to write on this blog. It's more difficult to stay in touch with people, except for the very trite exchanges I have with people on Facebook and the like. I hate simplicity. I'm more one to listen to a fugue of Bach and be in awe of the sheer simplicity of it all, and yet, no other being thought to write that fugue in such a perfect form. Or to listen to Mahler and be in wonderment that he could actually place these extremely complex emotions to a composition of music. It just boggles my mind.

In this stage of my life, I'm far less interested in outwardly written material such as this blog, and am more interested in inward desires; my family, my home, analysis of music which has always been a first love of mine. I do care about other things, but I can't control what people think on political issues such as civil rights for us. I'm spent. I have no more to give on this.

I never in my life thought I would say this, but this is the part of my life that I have to think of me. Just me.

The rest will just have to work itself out.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. First and foremost, I'm alive. Life can change for any of us so fast. And most of us take life for granted. I know I won't do that anymore. I've been thinking about all the people this year who have been a big part of my life...

First and foremost, Kent. He is the most amazing human being I know. He was with me through all the bad stuff and continues to be an anchor for me since my operation in June. It hasn't been easy for us, but we've always had each other.

Mom and Dad. They came out last June to help us through everything. At the time I didn't want them to come, but I didn't realize what I was up against. I don't know what we would have done without them.

Austin, my friend who lives in Boston. When I had my angiogram, Kent was in South Africa for a month. Austin came down from Boston to take me to the hospital for the procedure. We have a very solid friendship, but I want him to know that I don't take his generosity for granted. It's good to have a friend you can count on.

Various people at work. I've received a lot of support from people at work. It's honestly been a surprise to me because I didn't think many people at work cared, but the outpouring of support from my coworkers, and especially my boss and management in general, has been overwhelming.

Dawn and Catherine, the RN's at my cardiac rehabilitation program. I thank them for being relentless in pushing me to get stronger. Each session is more difficult than the last and it's been grueling. But, it's paid off. I have more stamina now and probably am in better shape than before the operation.

All the people who sent me cards and well wishes during my recovery. There were hundreds of them - cards and emails. I kept them all to remind me that there are so many people who care.

Tomorrow, we will go to spend our Thanksgiving at Mystic, Connecticut. We stay at the Inn at Mystic, and will have dinner at the Flood Tide Restaurant. They make a great dinner, just like home cooking, and a lot less work. We always have a good time there. We'll come home on Friday and spend a quiet weekend together.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Life can be very uncertain. I've become very aware of that this last year with my bypass operation. So, yesterday when I read about St. Francis Hospital in Hartford being put on a one year probation for multiple violations, I was stunned, because this is the same hospital I had my operation in.

But there's more. Here's a breakdown of the timeline:

May 18: Patient at St. Francis Hospital and Medical Center sustains brain injury following a "catastrophic" failure involving a pump used for cardiopulmonary bypass during heart surgery.

June 5: I have my bypass operation. There are always risks involved in any operation. But I did not know that the same pump that had the catastrophic failure had put back into operation just days after May 18, without any inspection, or report to authorities that it was back in operation. In other words, they could have used that same pump during my operation. That is the device that circulates the blood while your heart is stopped. It supplies oxygen to the blood as well. It is all that is keeping your body alive during the operation.

June 18: Patient dies.

July 2: St. Francis voluntarily suspends non-emergency cardiac surgeries at the recommendation of the state health department.

July: Suspension lifted after state determines the safety concerns had been corrected; investigation continues.

Thursday: State places St. Francis on probation for one year, citing numerous violations.

This is the formal document of probation issues against St. Francis.

It's hard for me to understand how things like this can happen at a well funded hospital like St. Francis. It's not like I chose them. In our area, when your general practitioner (your doctor) recommends testing, he will send you to whatever network he is associated with. I was sent to a cardiologist who happened to be associated with St. Francis, so that's where I was sent for the operation. If I wanted to go to Hartford Hospital (another hospital with a great reputation for heart bypass), I would have to request a different cardiologist.

It was strange at work yesterday. I had people come up to me and say, "My God Bill. When I read that article, I thought of you and how lucky that you are still with us." I am lucky. That guy that died could have been any of the bypass patients. Things can go wrong in any operation. The pump stopped in the middle of the operation. It can happen. But what I find unconscionable is the fact that they put the defective pump back into operation just a few days later, without repair, without inspection, without making a formal report.

HARTFORD - The surgery was supposed to repair the patient's heart, but more than five hours into the procedure, something went wrong -- a "catastrophic" failure of the pump meant to keep blood and oxygen flowing through the patient's body. The patient sustained a brain injury and died a month later.

But that wasn't the only thing that went wrong at St. Francis Hospital and Medical Center after the device failed, according to state health officials.

Under federal law and hospital policy, the hospital should have notified the federal government or the device manufacturer of the problem, but that did not happen, according to an investigation report by state regulators. Hospital policy called for the device to be impounded and for the director of clinical engineering to be notified without delay, but he wasn't told for more than two weeks, the report said. And, it stated, the device itself was put back into use within three to four days, even though it had not been examined by the required staff. [...]

Regulators also cited problems with hospital facilities, inadequate preventive maintenance of medical equipment, and a lack of evidence that staff evaluated the neurological signs of a patient who fell out of bed and sustained a head injury. The patient later died. (source)