Well, Kent left Chicago and is now in route to China. It will take him about 13 hours to get there. No wonder, look at the route they are taking!

We got up super early this morning to get Kent off to China. He will be there for one week, and then back home. For some reason, I'm a bit more worried this time than I am on other trips he takes. It's probably because of my paranoia about China and all the restrictions they have. I'm not sure if he will be able to call, or Skype. I presume email won't be a problem, although wireless technologies, such as the iPad that he took with him, may be an issue.

At any rate, he installed this really cool software on my Blackberry that will, once the flight takes off, alert me that it is in the air, and will give me the location of where he's at. It looks like this. In fact, this is a screen shot right from my Blackberry of his flight.

Pretty cool stuff.

Happy, wonderful, quiet dinner at home, followed by a nice biscotti and cappuccino. What could be better? It's cool out. Windows are open and the crickets are loud tonight. Nice. I'm looking forward to going to Providence tomorrow with the love of my life. I'm a lucky man!

I just returned from a week-long vacation to Idaho. It's not the place I would choose as a vacation spot, but that's most likely to do with my baggage about the state. Boise aside, the state is very conservative and well, generally very short sighted and not accepting of anything outside it's comfort zone. That really doesn't leave a lot of room.

That being said, I found this trip to be quite rewarding. The weather was what you would except this time of year in Idaho. Very dry, around 6% humidity, and around 100 degrees. I tolerated it quite well because I'm used to much higher humidity in the East. I think this was the best trip I've had to Idaho since I left the place in 1978.

I visited my usual friends as I also do. It's comfortable because they are all quite accepting. But what really surprised me was how much my family has come around. Wednesday night, I attended a birthday dinner for a family member. And many of them asked when they were going to meet Kent, and if he might come on the next trip with me. That's quite a step forward. Not so long ago, they would not acknowledge, or approve of the fact that I'm a gay man, let alone ask about my soon-to-be husband. The fact that they connected him to me tells me that at some level, they acknowledge us as a couple, even though most of them probably voted to ban marriage equality for gays in the Idaho Constitution. But perhaps things are changing. Change comes slow in the West, so I suppose if they ever do get around to getting rid of their gay marriage ban, it will be fifty years from now - in the next generation of young people who don't seem to understand what the big deal is with having marriage equality. At any rate, this was one of the highlights of the week.

Another big event was meeting with my college roommate. He was my roommate my first year in college. After that, I roomed with Kent. We had three hours to do a 30-year catch up. I think we did pretty well and I enjoyed our time together. We talked about what people were doing now, and cleared the air on some unresolved issues. On being gay, we had to agree to disagree on whether is is a "sin" or not. I think he wants me to be happy in life, and if that means being together with Kent and being married to him, he actually seemed ok with that. Which seems a bit odd to me because he feels that being gay is a "sin". But that's ok. I've lived long enough to set aside differences and let things go. My main focus at this time in my life is to stay healthy and live a good life. I honestly just can't concern myself with other people's attitudes about the way I live. I live an honorable life, am kind to others, and have a big compassionate heart. Sin or no sin, that's good enough for me.

My brother is doing better I think. And his newly redone home looks great. I think he'll be ok if he takes care of himself. He doesn't do that as diligently as I do. Oh, one more thing about Idaho.... It is absolutely impossible to eat healthy (low fat). It's everywhere and unavoidable. And people eat anything and everything. I guess I'm just paranoid and in a "zero-fat" mindset because my brother will eat things that he really shouldn't be having. At home, I just simply don't have them. So when I get home, I expect to see that I've gained 5 pounds, and will need to get back on track.

Final note in this entry... Ten years ago on this day, we lost our sweet little Sasha. We sure miss her.

I've been away for awhile, from blogging that is. Life has gotten in the way. I think that's the way it should be, rather than blogging getting in the way. But sometimes, it's good to reflect on what's been happening in one's life. I write far less than I used to, but it just seems that there's so much going on with me today that's more important. I've clearly changed.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy writing. It's just that other things have taken a greater role in my life.

I've written in the past about all that I've been going through with my brother, and his health problems. All of this has taken my life in a totally different direction that I could not have imagined. To every single thing in life, there is a negative, and a positive. Everything must absolutely equal out. Sometimes, in the face of darkness, we forget that.

I was so immersed in helping my brother that all I could see was the negative. Him going through the same surgery that I went through had a profound effect on me, him, and more than that, our relationship. There was a time when we were distant islands, not wanting much to do with each other. And now, I feel closer to him than anyone in my family. People have told me that in a crisis, I put things aside and deal with it. I do what needs to get done. Whether that has to do with cutting through red tape, talking to counselors and doctors to get to the truth, I do that well with a cool head.

In two weeks, I had planned to go to Idaho to see him, in his home. He planned on having a dinner at his home to thank everyone who helped with his home-makeover. And it seemed that I was one of the stars that made that happen. I'm not comfortable being in that position because it's not my nature. But, if it makes him happy, I'm all for it.

I used to think, and still do, that my aunt was always the strong one in our family. Now, I see her in myself. Last night I received a call from a cousin of mine in Idaho. My brother was taken again by ambulance to the VA hospital in Boise with what he thought was another heart attack. I listened to what she had to say. She said that he was very down and depressed. All I could say was, "CHRIST!!!". I sat back on a sofa in my living room just stunned. She said, "Bill, you need to call him because I'm worried about him. I've never seen him this down." I told her I would in an hour or so when I got my head around it.

I first called the cardiac wing and identified myself and told them that I was the person listed as being in charge of his medical directive. After they looked and confirmed that, they told me what was going on. He was on bed rest and they had to wait for six or so hours to find out what had happened because they were waiting for an enzyme test to complete. They would know more in the morning.

Another aunt called and said, "Bill, you need to talk to Mike. He's asking for you but can't figure out how to dial out with the pin they gave him." She said, "We can't get him out of this depression. I told her, "I can, but I have to get my head together." I hung up, and cried a bit.

I then called him. He answered, and I said, "Hey man, you are killing my buzz here. What the hell! You have to stop doing this crap to me." He started laughing. We talked for a good half hour. My cousin stopped by, the one who called me first. I told him to visit with her and I'd call him back in forty-five minutes. I did, and we talked more. After that, he was back on track again.

Today, they sent him back to Seattle VA to run tests. Some test that involves cobra venom (no, I'm not kidding). Apparently, it's a new test that came out. As it turns out, the cobra venom, administered after a special die is inserted into the body, can trace where blood is flowing, and where it's not flowing, with the use of a special camera that can monitor this. Truly amazing actually. In essence, it tracks what is not allowing blood to flow, and also where blood if flowing.

According to this test, he never had a heart attack. Good news because that means the heart is not damaged. The bad news is that the lower ventricle of the heart is not pumping blood as it should. It also indicated that the two arteries used in the bypass are not doing their job. So now, we are in a holding pattern.

I told him that I'd keep my tickets for Boise in two weeks. If he's there, that's where I'll stop. If he's in Seattle, I'll get a ticket from Boise onward to Seattle. One way or the other, I told him I would see him in just under two weeks. That's where things stand now. It's a roller coaster ride.

On other fronts, Kent bought a new car last weekend. A Honda hybrid, which he loves so far. It's a nice looking car. We also bought a video camera and are having fun creating our own movies. So far, Maxwell (my cat) is the star. But who knows, I may start doing video entries of this instead of the written word. I need a makeup and wardrobe department! And if I can become a hybrid clone of Julia Roberts and Anderson Cooper, I'll have it made. Wonder if makeup can do all of that? yeah....

That's it for now friends. Thanks to everyone who's sent me letters and kept in touch. It makes a big difference.

Oh, and about that thing I was talking about, "To every single thing in life, there is a negative, and a positive.", the positive is that this has brought me back to my family again. We seem to have done the impossible. The years that separated us have somehow gone away. And being gay just doesn't seem important to anyone anymore.

Maybe this is my brother's gift to me.

Yes, I'm still around. So many things have been happening that it's all I can do to keep up.

My brother is settled for the time being in Boise at a rehab center at the VA hospital. He was doing ok until a week or so ago when they noticed blot clots that had accumulated in his lungs. So, that was a set-back for him. He had to stop walking and doing his exercises, which is a big problem when you are trying to gain strength back. They were afraid that by walking, one of the clots would discharge and travel somewhere else in his body. This is how people die from blood clots.

Then, I talked to my cousin who said that they were going to release him to go home in a week. That's when I called the hospital to talk to them. After a bit of cutting through the bureaucracy (I'm getting good at that), I talked to his social worker, who coordinates with the doctors when the release will happen. I talked to her about the very obvious (to me at least); What if he falls? How is he going to get groceries when he can't even drive? And if he gets groceries, he's not yet able to cook for himself. Do you realize that he lives alone with very little support? And the best one of all; How on earth can you think of a release date when he has blood clots ANYWHERE? It honestly just amazes me.

She assured me he wouldn't be released until they thought he was ready and that these dates change all the time based on how he's doing from day to day. I understand that, but I told her that for them to even be thinking of a release date when he has blood clots is "crazy. I'm not even a doctor, and I know that much!" I can be emotional at times. But it's really just common sense.

She said they will give him a "life line" to wear. That's one of those necklace devices that you can push if you need help (you will probably know them by "...help!!!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"). Also, they will arrange for someone to come by every other day or so to check in on him and help him with certain things. I'm looking at meals on wheels, or some program like that.

Other than that, things are looking up in other areas. We remodeled his house completely. It's a home makeover, and I mean TOP TO BOTTOM; fixed the roof, new flooring/carpeting, new flat screen TV, and the HD antenna goes up soon, new bed, new bathroom, new paint. If he can live alone, I think he'll be all set. I'm thinking of going out to get him situated if I get enough of a warning. The way the VA works, they will come in one morning and say, "We're letting you go today."

On the home front, I'm doing pretty well. Work has been more stressful lately, and that messes up my body. I just can't take stress anymore. I saw my cardiologist last Thursday, and he's concerned that I'm pushing myself too much, and that I'm feeling so much fatigue in the afternoons-evenings - something that I've learned to live with. I can see his concern, but I don't think he understands the stress levels I'm at. He ordered a blood test, and a stress test - routine things. It's a good thing. I want to know where I'm at now. He said the heart sounds quite strong and normal.

As far as work is concerned, I'm thinking of working it out so I work at home two days a week and go in three days. I think that will cut down on the stress levels. I'll still be online with them and will still have the deadlines, but I won't have people dropping by all the time with their issues that they could just as well schedule out. It's not as good for them, but it's better for me. The only thing I really know is, I'm not going to kill myself for this job.

Wedding day seems set. We are having it on October 15th, which just happens to also be Kent's birthday. Some family members would like to come, and others don't. It's become so complicated on how to handle that, that we are leaning towards a private wedding - just the two of us and maybe a few close friends. After that, we'll probably go down to Mystic Seaport for the weekend, or maybe to Cambridge, MA. We'll choose one of them (as opposed to Maine), because Connecticut and Massachusetts see us as equal, where Maine does not. On this day of all days, that's important to us.

One thing that I have become painfully aware of, is that our wedding is not just a wedding to most people. It is a political statement. No matter how open minded people are, they will always see two men or two women getting married as different. They will see them differently than they would a straight couple. I'm not saying that makes them bad people. I'm saying that for us to expect them to see our wedding as a simple wedding, is a reach. Maybe in 50-100 years that will happen, but not now. I'm ok with that. It is what it is, and it takes people time to change, perhaps it takes a generation who grow up with it, that much time to change.

I bought a Wii today. I'm not so interested in the games, although I may try some of the exercise routines it offers. I've noticed lately that when I go to my Netflix queue, more and more movies offer "View Instantly", as opposed to waiting to get the CD to arrive in the mail. And the Wii makes that happen. It talks to Netflix apparently and you can do it all right from there if you have the Netflix disc (waiting for it to arrive). I'm very much into instant gratification and if I can just press a button on my TV screen and watch the movie, well, that's just cool!

I woke up this morning to absolute silence. Windows were open and this soft morning air was filling the room. I moved a bit, waking my cat up who was sleeping at the foot of the bed. She just had to come snuggle with me for a bit. It's nice to be loved. But, in the case of a cat, her motives were probably more about looking for a warm place to stay for a bit.

Kent was out on the deck with his computer. I get dressed, go downstairs and brew myself a cup of coffee. I go outside just to chill out with him. No sounds except for the birds in the trees and the bumble bees that are hard at work gathering pollen from our 12 foot high rhododendrons. It doesn't take a village to pollinate rhododendrons, just a hell of a lot of bumble bees. They are gentle creatures and as I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of their wings, we coexist with each other while the sounds of their wings is distinctively G major. I love that key. But wouldn't you think smaller bees would create a higher pitched key? I know.... the world is going crazy and I'm consumed with the pitch of bee wings.

The symphony concert last night was ok, but somewhat of an odd program. Stravinsky's Firebird suite was well performed. The first half of the concert was distracting. Directly behind us, two people were constantly talking. The guy was trying to impress his female companion. He would say things like, "...see the kind of tickets I can buy? Just don't tell my boss how I got them or I would be fired. Yup... they got the tempo right." I'm thinking, "Wow, he can use big words like 'tempo'. Yeah, I'd go to bed with him for that." It was constant. And I could hear what could only be mistaken for the sounds of French kissing and fondling. I kept wondering if the real show was behind me, and I was missing out. After all, how often does one get to listen to Ives, AND see sex at the same time? I'm into life is about experiences thing. Well, this was one of those things.

Then, intermission. They left. Kent wrote a message on their chairs that read, "Please don't talk during the performance." But others were just down right peeved. They turned to me and said, "It was distracting to us, but we can't imagine what it was like for you." Another one spoke up and said, "The real show was back here! They were doing...". I said, "I know. I could hear them and felt totally left out." After intermission, they were gone. And here I thought that the since the Connecticut Opera went out of business, there would be no more drama at the theater.

Remind me never to go to Malawi. It's not that I would ever go there anyway, but it's just a reminder that much of the world is very unsafe for Americans, and even more unsafe for gay people. These two men were sentenced to 14 years of hard labor. Their crime? They dared to have a commitment ceremony for the love they have for each other, just as Kent and I will have this Fall. Scary stuff. Before going to a foreign country, I always check this out.

You ever notice that during the time of elections, all the Republicans seems to be able to offer is a good round of gay bashing? This from Iowa, the last state to allow marriage equality.

At a time where so many people are looking for work, our government has it's priorities straight, as usual. In examining how the troops feel about lifting the ban on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the policy that kicks gay troops out of the military if they are found to be homosexual, the government has contracted with Westat, a Maryland research firm, so that they can ask gay troops how they feel about the policy. But the problem is, they can still be dismissed for even acknowledging to this contractor that they are gay. It's just a big waste of tax dollars on a stupid policy. It's time to end this damn policy.

I guess that's it. Politics are not my thing anymore because you can't do anything about stupid people with stupid ideas. All you can do is make frittatas. That's for breakfast this morning. We got all ready to make it. The only problem is, Kent got all the ingredients for the frittata, except for eggs. We seem to do this more and more now. At least, we still laugh about it.

I'm home and settled now. It takes me awhile to get settled in. When I got home, I was beyond exhausted. I got home Monday night, and went to work the next morning, kind of muddling my way through the week. So this weekend, we are just working around the yard, going to dinner in Hartford tonight, followed by a symphony concert tonight.

My brother is all settled in Boise now in a rehabilitation center for as long as he needs them. He's anxious to get home. I don't blame him. It's been an ordeal for both of us. But that ICU unit in Seattle seems like a bad dream now, and so long ago.

Since he's been gone, the family at home and myself have undergone the big task of a home makeover for my brother. Cleaning top to bottom happened last week by a professional cleaning crew. A second cleaning crew that will eliminate any smoke smell from his home (he used to smoke), a couple of guys fixing a small leak in his room, basic yard work, and I'm looking into hooking him up with HD TV. My sister will come in after the cleaning people leave to paint inside. New carpet in the bedroom, and new furniture in his living room, with that all important recliner in front of what may be his new flat screen TV. It's hard to work all of this out from Connecticut, but I'm trying to get it all done before he comes home so that it's nice for him.

Other than that, I had forgotten how nice it is at home. Everything is blooming, and all the trees are now fully leafed out.

Today was a breakthrough day for my brother. He is better today. Yesterday, not so good. In fact, I left the hospital thinking this may turn out badly. I was mighty low last night in spirit.

Today, I get to ICU to find him sitting up in a recliner chair. It paints the wrong picture to call it a "recliner chair". It's a medical chair that allows the patient to be less restricted than lying in bed. It also allows for the encouragement for walking and making an effort to get up and do a bit of exercise. I knew what they were getting at by putting him in that chair.

But more importantly, he was alert and fully understood his surroundings. We had a nice talk. He told me he felt like a 90 year old man. He said he had no idea it would be like this. All too familiar words to me. I've lived them. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He asked me why I didn't tell him it would be like this. I told him that I didn't want to scare him. That in the end, it would have served no purpose to offer up the wisdom of my experience. It did, after all, have to happen. This operation saved his life.

The social worker came by to talk about his recovery in Seattle, and his transfer back to Boise, Idaho, where he would continue his recovery in a facility they had for him there. I had talked to her previously about these arrangements. And yet, she made him think that everything was new, that we had never talked. This is the way it's done. She's doing two things; verifying the truthfulness of my assessment of everything right down to family relationships, to future treatment for him. He agreed with everything I told her.

His insights were interesting. He was extremely, and uncomfortably candid with her. I didn't know what he was going to say. She asked him if there was someone that he trusted to take care of his future arrangements for care.

He looked at me, as though he was looking into my soul, and said, "This is my brother. There is nothing this man can't do. For a long time, I didn't understand him. I didn't understand why he would put himself out for someone he hardly knew. I didn't understand a lot of things about my brother or about the way he lived because I was too busy being a stupid redneck. I finally get it. I do. And I understand that he's the most incredible person I've ever known. And he's my brother. Now what did I do in my life to earn that? I don't know."

Silence fell. I fought back tears. He took my hand and with a soberness that I can't begin to describe, looked at her and said, "This is my brother."

She replied, "I'm very glad that you found each other."

I never cared for my brother. He never cared for me. He never once came to any of my concerts. I never took an interest in him. We were separate. I felt he was crude and uneducated. And he is all of that. But for the first time in my life, I never knew that this uneducated and crude man, my brother, knew poetry.

We've found each other. I wish my Mother could have witnessed this.

Today was rough.

I got to the hospital around 9:30 in the morning. I expected my brother to be somewhat alert today. I found him in bed with a breathing mask on. Two doctors and a nurse were around him. The night before had been rough. Pain levels were very high. Pain management medications were used to relieve his pain. He got very little sleep.

Powerful pain medications come with a risk. In this case, the risk was to the lungs that had filled with fluid. This is a risk for all bypass patients. It happened to Mike. It also happened to me. When I got there, he was responsive. He was able to move his feet and hands, going in and out of consciousness. He had a sealed breathing mask on, forcing oxygen-rich air into his lungs. The carbon dioxide was way too high, and as the morning went on, he lost the ability to move his feet or hands. Even I couldn't get through to him. At one point, five people were working on him.

They had administered Lasix (furosemide) to get rid of the fluid build up - first directly in his IV, and then in IV drip. The computer showed a decrease in breathing volume and CO2 was still very high. Eventually, he went unconscious. They removed the drainage tubes in an effort to give him more room to breath. They increased the aggressiveness of the breathing machine. I watched as it painfully pushed air into his lungs.

I had to leave.

I returned, and signs of optimism started showing. They couldn't get through to him, but I could. I demanded that he wake up, that he talk to me. I guess I didn't realize it, but I was yelling at him, the nurse told me later. I honestly don't remember what I said now, but whatever it was, he opened his eyes and asked me when they were going to do the operation. I heard the doctor say, "...this is good!" I fought back tears as I told him, "Honey, we are past that. I need you to fight your way back to me." He tried like hell to keep his eyes open, and he did.

They were reviewing his readings on the half hour, and finally the doctor said, "This is looking good. CO2 is down." He then talked to Mike. Mike opened his eyes. He asked him to move his legs. He did.

I told him around 6:00 that I was leaving, but was only minutes away if he needed me. I left the hospital and made the usual calls to family members that I never talk to otherwise.

On my way back to the hotel, I passed this place called Sip. It was only a block away from my hotel. I parked the car, and walked to Sip. After walking up a ramp for what seemed to be a quarter of a mile, all laced with bottles of different wines, I entered a very nice restaurant. The band was just warming up.

I ordered a martini. It was brought to my table with bread, and butter. But not just butter. This butter was sliced thin on the plate, maybe a quarter of an inch thick if that, with little grooves in it. It was unsalted butter, yet, you could see on the surface, granules of sea salt here and there. It was intriguing enough to get even me to try it.

I had a nice simple salad. I wanted the four-beet salad (seem to have a love for beets lately), but, it came with cheese. So I opted for a simple salad without the goat cheese that came with the beet salad.

Salmon is a big thing now in Seattle. It's salmon season. Something about the spawning and some river ... whateva... I ordered the salmon, which was served with rice, a home made chutney, with a slaw made up of a lemon dressing, slaw, with cilantro. It was actually quite festive and wonderful. To go with it, I ordered a glass of a equally festive Sauvignon Blank from New Zealand.

I love the place. So many different types of people there. Actually, I would swear that I spotted Blanche DuBois and John Holmes there - though not at the same table. That would just be wrong in so many ways.

The band starts, and the place comes alive. So many attractive people living life.

I needed this!