October 2002 Archives

No, we haven't fallen off the face of the earth! We've just been busier than usual this fall. I finally got the pictures for our fall trip to Vermont posted on the site. To see them, just click the link provided on the left while it's there (a few weeks). After that, you can always go to the travel section, and a link will be listed there. I hope you take a few minutes to look. The colors weren't bad this year at all.

We are gearing up for Nick's second birthday party next Saturday. That should be a lot of fun. It's the first birthday party that we've hosted for a child. We are looking forward to it, although we don't know exactly what to expect. We think about 30 people will show up. I'm the designated photographer for the historic event! I hope I do well.

We had a great visit with the parents last week. On the last day, we drove up to Vermont to see the fall colors. They have been better in other years, but weren't too bad. I'll get them posted sometime this weekend.

We are staying home this year for Christmas. For the first time since Brennan died, I feel like doing something for Christmas, like decorating the house and having friends over.

It's a nice day today so far (might cloud up later), but, we are going to a nice dinner tonight with a couple of friends, then off to the Connecticut Opera production of Puccini's Turandot. I suppose the opera is fitting for the times we live in. It's full of death, killing, and deception. Not very nice thoughts, but after practically everyone is dead, it ends on a triumphant theme of a kingdom being united. It was bloody getting there. Kind of like Iraq maybe....

I suppose everyone has their own idea of what perfection might be. The fact is, no matter how one defines it, realizing perfection is out of the realm of possibility for all of us. Or is it? Is there something that is an absolute measure of what perfection might be?

Many would say that perfection is God. Even in that audience, many would say "which God"? The answer would no doubt be "well mine, of course!". Others would say that there is only one God and no other and any religion that taught otherwise was a false religion following a false God. This argument has no answer and will certainly not lead us to any conclusion of perfection. Perhaps God is perfection and we are all so far removed from anything God can touch for us to ever comprehend Him in any way.

It's hard to believe that God wouldn't want anything to do with us, isn't it? After all, what's not to love? We hate each other equally. We kill each other without even stopping to think about the value of life. We despise anyone different from us. We are driven by the aggression of hatred that diversity brings out in an open society. We watch others die from deadly diseases and say "they deserve what they get" in the name of God. We make jokes about such people as to remove them from the reality that they are somehow less than human. One gem of a joke that I remember that used to be so popular with the comedians went some thing like this: "AIDS is a miracle disease. It can turn fruits into vegetables". Another incident that comes to mind is the death of Matthew Shepard who was tortured and tied to a fence to die just outside of Laramie, Wyoming. When he was finally discovered tied to the fence some 18 hours later, the one to came upon the gruesome discovery thought at first that it was a scare crow tied to a fence. It received much coverage, but the real disease in all of this is our ability to turn this tragedy into a joke. A few days later, in a Colorado State University home coming parade, there was a float with a scare crow figure on it. On one side it said "I'm gay". On the other was an anti-gay epithet.

We kill our planet with only our own comfort in consideration. We view anything less than human as being less worthy of life from ourselves. We are always too busy to notice anything worth while. If a miracle ever did happen, we would be too damn busy to even notice it and, in many cases, even give a damn. Our miracles are super weapons that can kill half a million people with one single bright flash of light. Our miracles are flying airplanes into tall buildings and killing evil people from an evil land in the name of Allah. Yes indeed, we are a most lovable group, this civilization of ours. Is this perfection?

Perfection is elusive and we look way too hard for it. It is everywhere, everyday. But we will never see it. We are too busy with more important things that justify our timeline on this earth. We have made a huge impact on this world by being here and in the end, when we are gone, none of this will have mattered. We are insignificant to anything in our universe. All we have is whatever emotions we manufacture to keep us going from day to day. I would argue that the quest we seem to have for perfection is misplaced. My cat looks at a butterfly with so much wonderment as if to think "how could such a thing happen?". Perhaps it is my cat who has the answer. The wonderment of life is THE real miracle, if we take the time to just look once in awhile. I often think that if God were to talk with anyone, it would be a soul like my cat with a totally open heart and mind to the possibilities of life.

I've come to realize that all you have at any time is what you let yourself see. If you see a life full of emptiness, that will be your reality. If you cherish the friends you call family because your have no family, they will be your family. If you give up on life because it has led you to a lonely empty place, that will be your reality. Is God ever present at all in any of this? I used to think so, but then again, my view of what God is has changed dramatically. I used to feel that God was an awesome force that would take our lives over, if we would just let Him in. I used to think that if we ever did get to the brink of our own destruction, God would stop us. Now, I realize that He would do nothing. Why should He care if we are stupid enough to do that to ourselves? He would let it happen, and the universe would go on without noticing.

So, what is life about? I've asked myself that question many times in my life, during good times and bad times. When AIDS broke out in the United States, there were many people thinking that it was God's punishment towards homosexuality. Many didn't care if it killed all the homosexuals. Now, things are different. People care because it is "politically correct" to care, because "normal" people have contracted it and are now sick. But mostly, people care because perhaps they started thinking, "what if this is a test from God? Maybe AIDS isn't here to kill the homosexuals. Maybe it's here as a test to us to see how we will treat the sinners".

I think the reality is much darker than all of this. I believe there is no test from God. The bad treatment that we give others is simply coming from what we are inside. Many of us are "darker" than others and that takes us to a dark place. There is no prayer that will help us out of our predicament. There is only ourselves. The free choice that we have is what we each do with it. All we have right now is this period in time. After that, it's a crap shoot. If I die tomorrow is actually as unimportant as how long I will live. What is important is NOW and if I have the wisdom to see life's miracles right before my eyes or, like most all of us, will I just throw them aside like excess baggage? Can I still look at something so simple and see the wonderment in it? To me, that is perfection in it's purest form.

In remembrance of Matthew. On this day, four years ago, you were taken from us. We will always remember. Love you Matthew.

We are back once again! We were offline for just a bit while I changed internet service providers. Our old one was having some problems and was somewhat unreliable. It takes about a week or so to change over. For those of you on high speed connections, you should notice much faster load speeds.

We've been pretty good as life goes. We've been doing some home improvements around the home lately. We hired this team of guys to power wash our house and then stain and seal the porch and deck. It looks brand new again! Today we are going to be painting the trim to the garage to match that of our dark burgundy shutters. Wonder if that looks too gay? Well, anyway, I love that color. I also cleaned out the garage yesterday. Boy, I was a busy boy!

The parents are coming out for a visit next Friday. We are looking forward to that and will probably take our annual trip up to Vermont over Columbus Day weekend. The colors are supposed to be spectacular this year.