November 2002 Archives

Friday, November 29, 2002

Mr. President:

This is the first letter I have ever sent to a President of the United States. I have watched over the years how many gay service members have been thrown out over the current Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy on homosexuals serving in the military. You know as well as any of us that this policy makes no sense. It has made members of the gay community who serve in the military into second rate citizens. We have lived with that and have accepted that as a price we seem to have to pay for the privilege and opportunity to serve our nation. Notice, I said OUR NATION. Not the straight nation, or the gay nation, but a nation of We The People.

Now, it's time to abolish this policy of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We are all in this war on terrorism and we need all the expertise that we can get. I recently read a story in the New York Times about some servicemen who were discharged from the military after it was found out that they were gay. It so happens, they were training in interrogation and were linguists specializing in Arabic and Korean.

Mr. President, you yourself repeatedly say to the American People that we are in a "war on terrorism". We are supposed to accept that and do what needs to be done for the survival of our nation. Mr. President, with all due respect, how can you expect people to take this war on terrorism seriously when it seems to be more important to our government to expel people from the military who's talents we desperately need all because of an archaic policy of don't ask, don't tell?

I support and love our great nation and yes, I would die for it. It's time that this nation that I would die for put it's priorities in order. It's time that this nation realize that we are all valuable to the operation of this nation and our military. Mr. President, put an end to Don't Ask, Don't Tell once and for all so that we can all fight this war on terrorism and make our nation the strongest it can be.

Sincerely,

Bill Cannon
A concerned gay American

It was just the two of us this year at home for Thanksgiving. I had originally suggested to Kent that we go out to eat somewhere, but he wanted to cook. We had a fun time making dinner. We had turkey, chestnut stuffing, orange-cranberry sauce we make every year, rolls, garlic mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, gravy made from the turkey drippings, and a nice light red wine. For dessert, we had pumpkin pie. The rest of the day, we just relaxed, read, and watched movies. It was a peaceful day. To see what we had, just click on the image at the right.

Brandi and Jeremy may stop by on their way home. We hope that all of you reading this had a great Thanksgiving this year!

I spotted this article in the New York Times and this quote caught my eye. It was said by Dean Sandler, marketing coordinator at Morgan Stanley:

"Every heterosexual person I have worked with has told me their sexual orientation within the first 15 minutes of meeting them. They don't realize they do, but whether through pictures at a desk or talking about vacations, they do. Who you love is as integral to your humanity as your race or religion. Printing this homophobic advice is like telling a Jewish person to come to work on a religious High Holiday, or suggesting black people paint their faces white, just to avoid discrimination at work."

For the full article, go here.

Another interesting article in the Hartford Courant today was about the persecution of gays during the Holocaust. This is not news, but is often swept under the carpet. I have dealt with it somewhat on my site because I didn't want it to be forgotten.

The article draws some interesting parallels between laws at that time and some of the laws today still in force in the United States where gays are concerned. In many states, it is still a felony to have a gay relationship with the one you love.

This was the caption of an opinion piece in today's edition of the Hartford Courant. I thought it was very relevant because it shows how costly the current military policy of "don't ask, don't tell" actually is counter productive to all of us. At a time when the military themselves have claimed that there is a shortage of linguists who can speak Arabic, it seems to be more important to get rid of gay members of the military than it is to fight the "war on terrorism" that President Bush keeps ramming down our throats. The only fault these military personnel have is called integrity. They were called by conscience to be honest about who they are. We still need these people! If it is more important to expel these people because they are gay than to fight the "war on terrorism", how can I (or any of us) take the war on terrorism seriously? Good question, huh?

We just got home from Westfarms Mall. I bought Kent his Christmas present early. His book bag was falling apart so we went to the Coach store in the mall to just look at them. Of course we found one that he just had to have. It's all leather and should last a long time. On the way home we stopped at Spiritus wine store to get some wine for Thanksgiving and some cognac for the winter!

It looks as if it will just be the two of us this year for Thanksgiving. We weren't invited to go anywhere and we decided to just have a quiet Thanksgiving at home this year, but still cook a nice dinner for two. We will have turkey, either chess nut dressing (probably) or mashed potatoes, fresh baked bread (or maybe pumpkin bread), creamed spinach, and our homemade cranberry/orange sauce. We keep thinking of things to make, but we don't really want to cook a lot. We'll probably watch a movie in the evening. After that, we are going to finish our day in front of a crackling fire sipping on some fine port accompanied with sharp cheeses and nuts. Sounds like a perfect day to me. We're still thinking of what to have for dessert.

What kind of city do we live in? What kind of world? What kind of species are we?

We are a species who preaches love, but acts with hate. A species who admires intelligence, but remains ignorant. A world of diversity, caught in a race for supremacy. A world of culture, caught in an ethnocentric battle. A city of beautiful places, but with a cancerous hatred plaguing it. A city in a free society, but with citizens still bound by the chains of fear.

When will we rise above our own fear? Our fear of allowing all to be equal. Under the law, under the sky, under God. At what point will we realize our society is not being held back by diversity, but by those who oppose it?

I heard about "Project SCUM" in a commercial against the tobacco companies. It's actually kind of disturbing the tactics they've taken. This is all coming out in the open now that many of the documents are being made public for the first time. The project came from R.J. Reynolds and was a plan to ratchet up marketing Camel cigarettes to "consumer subcultures" in the San Francisco area, specifically to gay people in the Castro district, and homeless people. The rationale for this was the higher incidents of smoking and drug use in subcultures. I don't smoke, but I would surely not buy any product from any company that referred to me as "scum". For more information of this, here's some interesting reading that I found:

Tobacco Documents Online
Smoking Gun

Is it just me, or does anyone else find this weather depressing? I thought we were going to have a major storm this weekend, but it has just been cold and rainy all weekend. Where we live, it's foggy everywhere. I just got home from the mall. I guess a lot of people had my idea. It was packed!

Let's see... I read an article in the Hartford Courant this morning about Megan's Law. In Connecticut, the sexual offenders list was removed from the internet on May 18, 2001, pursuant to an order from Judge Robert Chatigny. It was removed because all offenders were included regardless of whether there was a finding of whether they posed a danger to the public. Opponents felt that it amounted to double punishment of offenders. In addition, if an offender felt that he was not a danger to society, there was no way for him/her to get their name removed from the list.

I have agreed with this all along. I cringed when I first heard that Connecticut was going to put the listing of all sexual offenders on the internet. I thought to myself that it was only a matter of time before someone was injured, murdered, or fired from his job because the listing became so public. Don't get me wrong. I think that sexual offenders who are a present danger to society should be on the list. I also believe that there are cases where it's not appropriate to place the information on the list (for more examples of this, read the article from the Hartford Courant above that I referenced. It has many examples of where this law went wrong). I believe that there are people free in our society that are a danger to everyone, not just children. We should expect to be protected from them. If putting them on an internet listing helps that, so be it. BUT, we must review each case and make the determination whether it's appropriate given the case information. In addition, if the profile of the offender is listed, the offender must be given some mechanism to state their case on why their name should be removed from the list. You can read the history of this law in Connecticut by going here.

Kent's on his way home from giving a talk this afternoon at UCONN. We are going out to dinner tonight to catch up on our week. With work, and him being out of town, we've hardly had a chance to catch up this last week.

Ok.... enough politics for awhile! On a personal note, life is good. Kent got home yesterday from Indianapolis, but is leaving Saturday for the day on another trip. I think that is the day we are suppose to get the big storm here. Hummm, I hope my copy of Attack of the Clones arrives today.

I had a nice dinner with Brandi, Jeremy, and Nicholas last Wednesday night. Nick's getting cuter by the day and is learning more words.

I read this story in the Hartford Courant yesterday. It was in response to the letter from Anne D'Alleva.

This was the response that I sent in to the Hartford Courant on November 14, 2002. If it makes the paper, I'll post the notice in this journal.

Peter R. Kramer writes: (Letters, Nov. 14, 2002) “…there is a fundamental distinction between civil marriage and civil union, which derives from the idea that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to provide stability in a family unit that propagates members of a society.” If that is your idea of marriage Mr. Kramer, you have a very shallow understanding of marriage. If the purpose of marriage is to provide stability in a family unit only for couples to propagate, what does that say for the heterosexual couples who never have children? Does their marriage have less value than those who have children? Having children is not what marriage is about. It is about the commitment that two people make to one another. It is about two people giving their lives to each other. Most importantly, it is about inviting your friends, family, and extended family into your life to celebrate the union that two people have. This will do nothing but strengthen society. And in the end, sex and sexual orientation really do have nothing to do with it.

Mr. Kramer also writes: “It is high time that people recognize that homosexuality is not the product of an immoral, free-will choice. Nevertheless, there is no need for society to adopt the fanciful belief that homosexuality is a normal, healthy, wonderful alternative lifestyle.” Mr. Kramer, do you realize that you contradicted yourself in two sentences? In one sentence you say that homosexuality is not an immoral choice. Then you say that it is not “normal, healthy, wonderful alternative lifestyle”. You can’t have it both ways. I have been with my life partner (dare I say “husband”?) for 27 years. I think that gives me the right to call our relationship a marriage, although I’ve given up on waiting for society to catch up to our relationship. I will say that most heterosexual marriages would not have survived what we have had to deal with. Perhaps society should take a look at that, and stop trying to figure out how it can still kind of give us equality in our relationships, without having to call it “marriage”. Our relationship is what it is – a marriage. Nothing will ever change that.

Most of the time, we are all one people in America. This is true in times of war or peace, good times and bad times. It was certainly true after 9/11. There is one exception to that it seems. Not that it really bothers me anymore. I'm "over that" as the saying goes, but I read an article in this mornings edition of the Hartford Courant and it made me think of this topic again. It was 1978 I believe when the gay community came out with "The Gay Olympics". It was basically a scaled down version of The Olympics, but for the gay community. The first couple of years were ok in terms of participating athletes. After that, the events started to attract more world-class athletes (many of whom were straight) that wanted to compete. That's when the International Olympic Committee told the community that it could not use the word "olympics" to describe the games. After going all the way to court, the court sided with the International Olympic Committee. The Gay Olympics were therefore renamed to the Gay Games.

Since that time, we have had the Frog Olympics, the K-9 Olympics, the Special Olympics, and many others. The International Olympic Committee seems to have no problem with those. Bigotry? I don't know. But I do have to admit that it seems that my community has been singled out just a bit. I found a couple of sources that aren't bad reading if you want to know more:

Why can't the Gay Games be the Gay Olympics?
Crushing the Gay Olympics - The USOC's homophobic past

There was an excellent article in this mornings edition of the Hartford Courant on the front page of the Commentary Section. It was entitled "Marriage is a Civil Right for Everyone". The article, written by Anne D'Alleva, an associate professor of women's studies/art history at the University of Connecticut, Storrs, is well written and thought provoking. We are married in every way that matters. Personally, I no longer care if it has to be called a "civil union" vs a "marriage". I used to be bothered by that because it was discriminatory just to make a difference of the two. Now, I have become too cynical about the world and more realistic to think that people will ever be enlightened enough to see the truth. What really concerns me now are all the legal protections that the state and federal governments have granted marriage. The separation of church and state stopped a long time ago. If anyone feels differently, they are fooling themselves. Marriage in it's essence is a religious covenant that joins two people together. If the church sees fit to exclude certain people for that institution, so be it. BUT.... the state and federal government have made laws to legally protect and sanction marriage. I, as a tax payer, pay for those. The government must be equitable on this and in time, I think it will be. All the laws that are being created now at the state level to prevent "gay marriage" in various states will eventually be challenged and found to be unconstitutional, but that will take time. Will my partner and I ever see federal legal protections of our marriage? Probably not. Hopefully, we will live long lives and not be sick. If one of use goes to the hospital, the other will not be allowed in because we are not legally married. If one of us dies before the other, the one left will have to fight for what is left of the estate since there are no legal remedies to deal with this. The only recourse right now is a will, and that does not carry the same weight as a marriage. Nor does it deal with all the other rights (such as visitation rights) of same-sex partners.

I even asked my company to consider doing the right thing and extend health insurance benefits to same-sex partners within the company. There are a few couples within our company that would benefit from it. They didn't want to hear about it and said that they might consider it in the future. In other words "shut up Bill and take what we give you."

The typical married couple in America receives over 160 benefits and rights by virtue of their union. It seems ironic that a heterosexual couple married for one hour, has more rights and benefits than a same-sex couple that has been together for 30 years. The following is only a sample of some of the rights and benefits provided by legal marriage.

Insurance benefits through a spouses employer
Insurance discounts offered to married couples and related persons living in same household
Veterans/military benefits offered to spouses (education, medical care, housing loans)
Income tax deductions, credits and exemptions
Tax relief for natural disaster losses
Immigration of foreign partners
Witness and court testimony rights
Community property rights
Payment of wages for deceased partners and workers compensation benefits
Right to enter into pre-marital agreement
Automatic rights of survivorship
Consent to post-mortem examination
Right to make burial arrangements
Bereavement leave for partner, child, or partner's close relative
Family leave to care for partner or child during illness
Right to make decisions in medical emergencies ( "next of kin")
Visitation rights for partner or child in hospital or other public institutions
Custodial rights for a seriously injured partner
Right to file a wrongful death suit
Tuition discounts/use of facilities
Commercial discounts/incentives offered only to married couples or families
Joint child custody, adoption and foster care rights
Equitable divison of property, child custody, visitation rights and support in the case of divorce
The right to obtain domestic violence protection orders
Joint parenting
Joint adoption
Joint foster care, custody, and visitation (including non-biological parents)
Joint insurance policies for home, auto and health
Dissolution and divorce protections such as community property and child support
Immigration and residency for partners from other countries
Inheritance automatically in the absence of a will
Joint leases with automatic renewal rights in the event one partner dies or leaves the house or apartment
Inheritance of jointly-owned real and personal property through the right of survivorship (which avoids the time and expense and taxes in probate)
Benefits such as annuities, pension plans, Social Security, and Medicare
Spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home
Veterans' discounts on medical care, education, and home loans; joint filing of tax returns
Joint filing of customs claims when traveling
Wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children
Decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her
Crime victims' recovery benefits
Loss of consortium tort benefits
Domestic violence protection orders
Judicial protections and evidentiary immunity

Most of these legal and economic benefits cannot be privately arranged or contracted for. For example, absent a legal (or civil) marriage, there is no guaranteed joint responsibility to the partner and to third parties (including children) in such areas as child support, debts to creditors, taxes, etc. In addition, private employers and institutions often give other economic privileges and other benefits (special rates or memberships) only to married couples. And, of course, when people cannot marry, they are denied all the emotional and social benefits and responsibilities of marriage as well.

I'd like to tell you about a friend of mine... someone I knew once who meant the world to me. His name was Brennan and he had one of the purest souls I've ever come across. Brennan was a purebred Abyssinian cat. Eighteen years ago, we had a friend who lived in San Francisco not far from where we lived. He had an "Aby" as well. At the time, I wasn't totally crazy about cats. Actually, I wasn't crazy about much of anything in life at that time. I was so angry at the injustices of the world, had a horrible job, and was feeling very low. We would visit my friend, and his cat took quite a liking to Kent. After awhile, Kent was hooked and pestered me to get an Aby. I finally gave in just to shut him up.

We located an ad in the San Francisco Chronicle for purebred Abyssinians. I still remember vividly the experience of picking up this cat. He had three brothers, and they were tearing around the house with great energy without much notice of us being there. Then, one of them looked over our way, and marched over to us. Little did I know the profound influence he would have on our lives.

This story is hard for me to write, because today marks the third anniversary of Brennan's death. As I write this, I remember all the fond memories that we shared together. At the same time, I feel sad and depressed that he is no longer part of our lives. After three years, the feelings of loss are still profound. They have changed from being an open wound to a constant dull ache. That is what I am feeling as I write this, and undoubtedly, I will shed a few tears before I finish writing this. He is with me every day. I have Kent and my two cats, Max and Mimi. They are wonderful and very different from Brennan and Sasha. I've never really been able to let him go. That is my struggle today. Most reading this would say "he was only a cat.... get over it". Those who met Brennan will tell you that it was much more of an experience than just meeting a cat.

In life, there are always a few souls who shape and influence our lives, for better or worse. The experiences they give us become part of what we are. They define who we are and what we become. This was certainly the case with Brennan. As he grew older, his personality changed. Perhaps it was Kent or myself who changed. Mid-way through his life I started suffering from depression. I was diagnosed as being bi-polar and was put on medication. It was during this time that we became much closer. In a way, we bonded. Perhaps he sensed that something was wrong with me and being the strong personality and presence that he was, he became very protective of me. Everywhere I went, he would follow me, never being far away. If I were to lie down, he would have to be right by my side. There were times that I would get so down that all wanted to do was lie around and sleep it off. He insisted that I get up and do things. He was relentless. It was as if he was saying to me "No! This isn't the way we are going to get through this. We get through the rough times together." He wouldn't give up until I got up. I kept going the best I could. He taught me that when life gets rough, you have to find purpose and meaning, even if it means searching for the smallest wonders and happiness in life. I didn't give up. He didn't give up on me.

Eight months before he passed away, Brennan was diagnose with Chronic Renal Failure (CRF). It is a terminal condition where the kidneys cease to function. They gave him one to two weeks to live. We felt like our world was falling apart. We refused to give up and let him go that easily. We seeked treatment. Nothing was too much. We considered everything without worry of expense. He stayed in the hospital for a time after diagnoses on an IV to flush his system out. He gradually gained his strength back. After he came home, we were giving him IV treatments that had to be delivered twice daily to try to replace the function of his kidneys. He hated the treatments, but somehow knew that it was saving his life. Over the course of months, another complication came up. His body wasn't supplying enough red blood cells. We opted for a treatment that would stimulate his body to produce more cells. It was expensive. The serum to be injected came in small bottles that contain three doses to be given weekly. Each bottle had a cost of $200. It didn't matter, if it helped. For a time, he improved.

After eight months of this, the end came. The date was November 6, 1999. It was a sunny Saturday. Brennan spent his morning with me. I could tell he was feeling poorly. In the afternoon, he wanted to be left alone. He spent the rest of the day in the afternoon sun. After the sun set, he went under my bed. I sensed that it was time, but I would not acknowledge it. I refused to let him go. I went to bed and noticed that he didn't come out. I left him alone as he wished. He usually would sleep next to me on his fluffy green throw. I eventually went to sleep. I felt him jump up on the bed around 3:30. He got as close to me as he could. I could feel him shivering. I pulled him close to me and covered him up. I could hear a faint purr starting. This lasted for fifteen minutes. He then stood up, walked up close to my face and looked into my eyes. I said these exact words to him: "Are you going to leave me now?". With that, he gave me a lick on my cheek, and fell over into a seizure. I woke Kent in a panic. He came out of the seizure and was scared and crying. I called his hospital that had a 24 hour emergency service. We took him in. At first the doctor suggested that he stay in the hospital and we put him on an IV as we did before. As he was explaining this, Brennan had a second seizure. After the seizure, I could tell from the way he was looking from side to side that he had lost his eye site. I knew in my heart that I had to let him go. It was the most difficult single moment of my life. I could hardly get the words out. We stayed by his side the whole time just talking to him. He was given one shot to put him to sleep, and a second shot to stop his heart. There was no big production, just peace. His fight was over and he could now rest. The room was quiet, and the doctor finally said "He's gone". That's all, just those two words. I asked for a lock of his fur and to have some private time with him. We stayed another 10 minutes, and left. When we got to our car, I felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I felt that a large part of me was gone and that in time, I surely would be too.

The weeks that passed are somewhat of a blur to me. I went to work, and people would comment to one another about how sad I looked. There was no way to hide it. The feeling of loss permeated every part of me. It was me. I would come home from work, pour a little orange juice into a tall glass, fill the rest with vodka. I would then go upstairs to my bedroom and take two xanax. On the way to the family room where Brennan and I spent a lot of time together, I would stop to get his fluffy green throw that he loved to sleep on. I would then drink the vodka and wait for the vodka and xanax to do their work. Mixing the two was dangerous to say the least, but at the time, it didn't matter to me. I wanted to be with him, and this was the only way. I would go to my place of being almost unconscious. With the effects of the vodka, xanax, and the green throw with his scent on it, it was almost like he was with me again.

I suppose I'm taking a risk in publishing this. After all, my friends and family will now know what we went through. We have always kept the level of our pain private and put on our best face for friends and family. We had no Christmas that year. I saw no reason to celebrate let alone embrace my own life. It was a terrible place to be in. Sure, I have lost a lot of friends in the past to AIDS, but nothing hit this close to me. I have a movie I took of him during his last months. I have yet to watch it. I'm scared of what it will do to me. Perhaps someday, I will be able to see it, and remember the good times we had together.

It's probably impossible for anyone reading this to understand. I don't ask you too. This is for my friend, Brennan. For his memory, friendship, and compassion. There is not one day that goes by without thinking of him.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the day time, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell." --Edna St. Vincent Millay

We hosted our first birthday party for a two year old last Saturday and had a great time! I didn't know what to expect but I think everyone had a good time. It was fun to see all the kids having such a good time.

I went to visit Sean last monday night. He's doing well, but is trying to transfer to another facility in Massachusetts. I suppose it will be better for him in the long run. At least he will have more educational opportunities. He needs the motivation to do things and that's hard to achieve in the place he's in. He told me what prison life is like. It's not the same as TV shows we watch. When he described it, it was actually quite different. All in all, we had a good visit.