On January 30, 2003, an appellate court in Philadelphia, PA, agreed to let the trial of Sterling vs. Minersville Police and Borough, go back to federal court to be argued again in front of a jury. As the case of Marcus Wayman weaves through the judicial system, this strikes another furious blow for the Sterling family in an attempt to prove that police were at fault for depriving Marcus, 18, of his civil rights that prompted his suicide. In November 2001, a jury acquitted the police and borough from any wrongdoing. Yet, Judge Rapaport (Allentown, PA) ruled in June 2002 that the previous trial was "a miscarriage of justice" and tossed the previous verdict, moving for a new trial.

Marcus Wayman wanted what any young man wanted from life. To see the rest of his life ahead of him full of promise and opportunity. That all ended in the early morning hours of April 18, 1997.

Marcus Wayman was only 18 years old when local police officers found him and 17-year-old Matthew Adamik parked in a car in Minersville, Pennsylvania. The officers—Scott Willinsky, who is the son of retired police chief Joseph Willinsky, and Thomas Hoban—took the boys into the station on charges of underage drinking. But because Adamik was carrying two condoms, the officers also asked the teens if they were “queer,” according to Adamik’s testimony. Scott Willinsky later testified that both boys conceded under questioning at the time that they were stopped in the car to have sex, although Adamik disputes making the statement. Adamik testified that Willinsky told Wayman that if Wayman didn’t tell his stepgrandfather he was gay, Willinsky would do it himself.

Early that morning Hoban dropped Wayman off at the home his family was sharing with his stepgrandfather. And sometime around 6 a.m., Wayman, a football player who had about a month of school left until graduation, found the keys to the family’s gun cabinet. He then took out a revolver, held it up to his face, and fired. He missed, however, so he aimed and fired again. With the second shot, he was dead. “I’m sorry, Grandpa, I found my future,” Wayman wrote in a suicide note. “I won’t let everyone’s life be ruined by mine.”

On November 7 a federal jury in nearby Allentown cleared Willinsky, Hoban, and Willinsky’s father of charges that they had violated Wayman’s constitutional right to privacy by threatening to out him. The verdict stunned Wayman’s family and friends. “I really don’t know what the jury was thinking,” Wayman’s mother, Madonna Sterling, said a few days after the acquittal. “There was so much testimony from people who had nothing to gain by lying. We’re all pretty much in shock.” The fact that Wayman grew up with his stepfather, Mark Sterling, a former police officer, and respected the police’s authority helped his mother understand his desperation. “If they say they’re going to do something, you’d better believe it,” she says. “I think at the time he thought, who was going to believe him? If a police officer says this, it must be true.”

Years ago, when I was a youth of 15, I was Marcus. I lived in a small town in Idaho that had the same views as Minersville, Pennsylvania. I don't even have to visit there to know what it was like for Marcus. There are thousands of Minersville's and Emmett, Idaho's all over the United States. It was easy for me to keep my secret to myself growing up, although looking back on it, I think people had their suspicions. Oscar Wilde described homosexuality as "the love that dare not speak its name". You learn very early to keep quiet about it if you value the life you have. It can either be turned into a living hell, such as what happened to Marcus and me, or you choose to end the pain, as Marcus did. I chose to live, but I also know that it wasn't totally because I was stronger than Marcus. It had everything to do with timing. I was being harassed at school. I had my car vandalized, I had been shot at in my own back yard, my tires slashed, and beaten three times in high school. On all these occasions, I never told anyone the real reason why all of this was happening to me. The only thing worse than taking their punishments would be that the people I loved reject me. I knew I would never survive that. So, it was an unspoken agreement that I had with my tormentors. The could do just about anything to me and they knew I wouldn't rat on them to the police, the school authorities, or anyone else because I had more to loose and they knew it.

I started going to church a lot. I found comfort in thinking that God may at least be able to feel the pain I was in. But, at church, I knew people in the community. Indeed, one of the ladies who attended my church was one of my teachers in school. Not even there could I talk about it. This continued until I was a senior. By then, the secret was getting out. I suppose playing tricks on me and making me fear for my life got boring to my tormentors. It was time for something new. So, rumors started spreading through my school that I was a "fag". I was never so scared in my life. I had people race me home from school. When I'd get home, I'd run into the house and close all the curtains and lock the doors. They would race up and down the road for a time, get bored, and leave. One night I went to my church. It was 3:00 in the morning. I went to the alter I prayed to God that he change me. It was important for Him to know that it was a matter of my life we were talking about. I told Him that if he would make me like everyone else, I would spend my life serving Him. If he didn't, I would take that as a sign that I had no place on this earth. I waited for a few days for the miracle transformation to take place. Nothing happened. Either God didn't hear me, did hear me and didn't care, or there was no God. I decided to take control of my life in the only way that I had any power to do so. I took everything I could get my hands on in the medicine cabinet, which was considerable. As I recall, a combination of Doriden (later outlawed in the US because of abuse and overdose deaths), Nembutal, and Percodan. Obviously, I didn't die. I was found, my stomach pumped, and the worst part, not even being able to tell anyone the truth as to why I took them. I could have just as easily have died, and would have been just one more statistical death of yet another "depressed teenager who took his life when he had so much going for him". I was sorry that I lived and remember thinking to myself "I can't even do that right."

The years that followed were not easy. I graduated and left Emmett as soon as I could. I went to college and met Kent. When I would go back to Emmett, I would go on back country roads to get to my house, avoiding the town. I feared that someone might recognize me and it would happen again. I eventually graduated from college and moved to San Francisco with Kent. After my mother died, I never went back to Emmett again. There is nothing there but sad memories for me. They are better left dead and buried. I often think that if I did go back, what it would be like if I confronted the ones who gave me so much grief so long ago, if they even live there now. I would like to think it would be different now. Now, I am armed with knowledge and rage, and rage can be a powerful weapon. Rage from what time has given me.

"Go without hate but not without rage." - Paul Monette

I read an article from The Advocate that gave me a lot to reflect on. It talks a lot about acceptance and the need to have "straight allies". Throughout my life, I have thought a great deal about how other people will see me. That is, will they be friend or foe? Most straight people never have to think about that. I know it is a matter of conditioning. If you are different, you are taught at a very early age by society that it is "bad" to be different and one of the worse things you can be is homosexual. So, you get conditioned to always be careful what information you share with others. Matthew Sheppard's mistake was that he trusted people in good faith. Where people are concerned, it should be assumed that they hate gay people until they show otherwise. By assuming that, it is hoped that you will lower the possibility that you will end up tied to a fence getting beaten to death. You learn to hide what you are as a matter of protection. I had a friend once make a comment to me that my partner and I never show affection. I turned to him and said "We won't. We are very well trained". He thought it was funny and laughed out loud. I thought to myself, "how sad this world is that life is nothing but a charade". Without even thinking about it, I will subconsciously never publicly show affection to the one I love most in life. That means I will never dance with my partner in public. We will never hold hands in public. The closest I will come to showing any sense of being a homosexual is sitting at the same table with my partner in a restaurant. People can (and have) made their own assumptions from that. We have even encountered people laughing at us because they assumed we were gay, and even throwing curses our way trying to start a fight.

So, this article hit me in a certain way. When we have straight friends who accept us, we are overjoyed at the acceptance and think that it is a small miracle that someone in mainstream society would like or even talk to a "queer". We think this because after a lifetime of being beaten down, the ego of a homosexual is pretty much shot to hell. I am dealing with this right now in my life. I know I'm a good person with a big heart. Can't I just be that and nothing else? I wish it were that simple. What really made me think was something from the article that said "No one expects Ebony and Jet to run annual spreads on White People We’re Crazy About.... The civil rights movement long ago dispensed with the notion that tolerance is a basket of plums to be proffered by a kindly majority. It is an inalienable human right—an occasion for war, not thank-you notes. Something to be accepted if it is offered but not a gift that demands big frothing kisses in return".

We are so desperate that even the gay magazines run headlines such as Coolest Straight People of 2002. While I'm gratified that there are straight people out there who like us, it seems sad to me that we feel the need for that confirmation. As though to say "thank you for allowing us to exist". We read quotes from celebrities such as Justin Timberlake who said that there’s no room in his world for “negative people who hate.” Thank you Justin, but why do we feel the need for that kind of confirmation? Why can't we just say (and truly believe) what the writer of the article said: "Thanks a lot, Justin, but I don’t give a crap whether you like me or not.” ?

Perhaps the thing that I find most repulsive about all of this is that I feel as though the whole issue of black/white, gay/straight, etc. forces me and others to choose our allies. I have straight friends who I love very much. Some straight friends I've had in the past have had me for a friend because I'm gay, I suppose so they can feel progressive. At the time, I didn't know I was their token "gay friend". I found out later when they decided that they no longer wanted me to be part of their life. It's easy to say "that's their problem", and it is their problem. But, it does nothing to answer the issue of how to break the social attitudes that drive us apart.

If I can explain it yet one more way.... There's a character on Queer As Folk named Brian Kinney. Basically, I hate everything about him and everything he stands for. Yet, I know he's probably got it together better than most of us. About Brian, the website simply states "Whether in the boardroom, the bedroom or the backroom, this hot, heartbreaking ad exec tells it like it is…no apologies, no regrets". In other words, Brian doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone and makes no apologies for it. He truly does not care what others think of him. He has no need for that kind of validation. In life, he stands on his own two feet, "no apologies, no regrets". Perhaps the reason I despise him so much is because I view my concern for how others feel about me as a weakness. Brian shines a light on that weakness. Brian Kinney would say to me "don't be such a faggot". Meaning, don't derive your purpose in life from anybody or anything. DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING.

One final thought..... In this article, I've talked about my straight friends as though they are somehow separate from my other friends. I want to make it clear that it is a societal attitude that gays and straights are different. WE THE PEOPLE buy into that and in so doing, it becomes our reality. Society needs to get over this. We are all people, we are all human. And, when the atom bombs start flying, we will also be one people, and all equal. The inevitable end of anything clarifies everything.

Was it just me, or was President Bush more boring than usual in his State of the Union speech? Think about it. Everything he said was said over 10 years ago when his father was going to war with Iraq. They said the same things: we want everyone to be able to have jobs; we want prescription drug coverage for our seniors; we need more stimulus in the economy; we need to go after Saddam Hussein, on and on..... I honestly never made it to what he had to say about Iraq. I got bored and could see the speech for what it was. It was just posturing and talking tough in an effort to make us all feel like we have a president who can actually lead. The speech was one cliche after another. And if that's not bad enough, it didn't even sound like him. You could tell that others put the speech together. That happens to all the speeches any President delivers, but one would hope that it at least sounds like something he would say on his own. Not even half way through, I got tired of listening to him and turned it off. The thing that makes me a bit concerned is the fact that his approval rating with the normal joe on the street shot up by 37 percent! Are we that easily convinced? Are we like sheep that will go anywhere someone will go who we think is our leader? Scary!

:::thinking WARM::: This cold snap is getting very old fast. I found myself looking at the cost of taking a cruise somewhere warm. I've never taken a cruise before. I'm told they're nice and a way to take a vacation that's not too expensive. The trips I'm looking at seem pricey though.

Imprisoned Teen Challenges Kansas 'Romeo and Juliet' Law - Jan. 17 — Matthew Limon was one week past his 18th birthday when he performed oral sex on a younger male teenager in the residential center for developmentally disabled youth where they both lived. If the same act had been performed by heterosexual partners, Matthew's sentence would have been about 15 months. However, because he performed the act on a same-sex partner, he will receive a 17 year sentence for the same act. I read an opinion of this case in another web log which I totally agree with.

Calling Someone ‘Gay’ May Not Be Slanderous for Long - Jan. 16 — Sticks and stones may break your bones, but some names may lead to lawsuits. At least that's true in most states if someone calls you gay, even if the name-calling did not result in major economic damage.

The cookie diet! - Jan. 28 — Dr. Sanford Siegal makes a weight-loss offer that sounds hard to refuse: the Cookie Diet, a pound-shedding program that he says has helped thousands of his patients drop an average of 15 pounds per month.

Corporate America Is Profiting From Porn - Jan. 28 — Pornography has grown into a $10 billion business — bigger than the NFL, the NBA and Major League Baseball combined — and some of the nation's best-known corporations are quietly sharing the profits. I thought this was interesting. I never really thought much about companies profiting from pornography.

It's monday morning and the weekend flew by so fast. The weather here is bitterly cold today and will probably be around zero tonight with wind. I can't wait for spring.

We had a great time friday night at our friends house. It was a nice meal with filet mignon with all the trimmings, accompanied with lots of really fine wines. Afterwards, I discovered the pleasure of some new liquors that I didn't previously know about.

Conservative withdraws from AIDS panel - A Christian activist chosen by the White House for a presidential AIDS advisory panel is withdrawing his name under pressure after characterizing the disease as the "gay plague," along with other anti-homosexual statements.

Activist: Ban gay-shooting game - A Dutch gay activist is fighting to outlaw the import of a U.S. computer game in which the player can shoot homosexuals, junkies, dogs and cats. But hey... it's "just a game", right? What harm can it cause? Surely it wouldn't put any ideas into people's heads. I mean, it's not like anyone has ever put a bomb in a gay bar before.

A voice in the Arkansas wilderness - This is a first. A minister in Fayetteville has declared that he will not sign marriage licenses for heterosexual couples because the state does not grant that right to same-sex couples. “I’m just trying to live out my authentic lifestyle and follow the values that shape my life,” says the Reverend Rhett D. Baird.

I'm up early this morning. I was sleeping very soundly until we had a big emergency (one of the cats needed petting). After that, I just couldn't seem to get back to sleep. So, I decided to see what's happening out in the world.

It's still very cold here. My computer tells me that it's 8 degrees outside and the wind is howling. It's pretty brutal. We only had one problem with our heat this winter for the first time since we bought our house, and that was because some part went bad. No problems otherwise. We have the coolest water system here (I'm sure the world wants to know this!). See, no matter how long a shower you take, we never run out of hot water. It heats the water as you need it on demand so we don't even have what you would call a water heater. It works great.

I got my winter clothing package sent to Sean. His mother and I coordinated this year and shared the cost of the package. Hopefully, he will get it before he transfers to Massachusetts. The opportunities are better there. There's more to do and more courses that can be taken. I know many of you reading this will say "...he's in prison. Isn't that suppose to be punishment for a crime?". The answer is, yes. But, according to most people in the criminal justice system, we are supposedly "rehabilitating" these prisoners so that someday they will hopefully become productive members of society. Do we want to just hold people for years and years to finally release someone who has no skills, and is probably just as bad (or worse) than when he went in? Wouldn't it be better to teach a skill to those who want to learn so that when they get out they can do something with their lives? I feel that way. Sean has a sharp mind and very much wants to learn. Twelve years ago he made a terrible mistake and now he is paying for that crime. Someday he will be free and it would be nice if he had some kind of life to come back to.

Tonight we are going to some friends house for dinner. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. It should be a good time.

I just got home from seeing Sean. He looked tired. He still has a cold and is run down. The visit wasn't as good as it could have been. We were sitting next to these two people who fought the whole time. She was telling her boyfriend how hard she had it for him being in prison. I suppose I can see her point, but he is the one who can't go anywhere or do anything. Some people are so self centered. I used to be a lot like that until I stepped back and realized that all in all, I don't have it that bad. My issues stem from my sense of justice around social issues for the most part. And no, I'm not free to do what most in our society is free do to, but.... that doesn't have to spoil every thing else in my life! I am free and I have much in my life that I treasure. It's also not hard at all to just look around to see how many others have far less than I have going for me and far less support. So, when I talk with Sean, I don't bitch about this or that in life that could be better. He of all people realize this about the world. I try to talk about anything that will bring him out of his little world for just a little while. I'm committed to being more positive about everything. Attitude really does make the difference. What you can't change, let go of.

I have a Dream

By Martin Luther King, Jr.
Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.

But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

OK. I'm a bit better now and... I'm back! There's a lot of changes going on in my personal life right now, so I think everything just took it's toll. Anyway, it's good to be back!!

I was surfing the net and came across this interesting tidbit that, for some reason, struck a funny bone in me. It's about a church called the Kentucky Mountain Bible College. They are fighting to change the prefix on their phone number because it starts with "666", the "biblical mark of the beast".

It seems that Microsoft has finally discovered a technology called "wireless"! Remember way back when Microsoft felt that this thing called the internet would never amount to anything or go anywhere? It was only after it started really taking off for others that they panicked to catch up. Now, they seem all guns ahead for the "new" wireless technology. I suppose the thing that bothers me most about Microsoft is their collective ego. They need to get over themselves. If they would start producing software that didn't take 42 patches just to make it stable, it would be nice. Anymore, when I install Microsoft software, I am prepared to be bombarded with this fix or that fix for the next few weeks. It never fails. The public (you and I) is the test lab for Microsoft's software. That's ok, but should we really have to pay for that? I mean, I don't see them offering discounts for the crappy software they put out because we are crashing all the time. Case in point: I'm running Windows XP. Windows Explorer is virtually (no pun intended) unusable to me. When I pull up Explorer, within 3 minutes, it will bomb out. It disappears from my screen, my icons on my desktop disappear, and 5 seconds later, they reappear. I get no error message or warning of any kind. I have gone to the Microsoft website and found no reference to this phenomenon.

I came across an interesting article that made me stop and think about many things. The article is called "Living like there's no tomorrow". This was one of the lines that caught my attention in the article: "You see, I’ve learned that once you’re gone, all you are is stuff and paperwork for the living, details to be handled, assets to be dispersed. And then there’s the legacy, what survives you, who you were, who you touched, your family."

I'm back.... kinda, after being sick as a dog with some crude that's going around.

Sorry to make this short and sweet... but, I'm going to take a leave for a bit from updating this log. I'm in a slump and having a bit of trouble getting out of it. Usually talking about it with you all and ranting online helps, but I'm afraid it's a bit deeper this time. I guess some would call it "depression". I guess we all have bouts of it now and then. Take care everyone. I hope to be back sometime when I'm able to write about something intelligent. If I don't see you, all the best. Be happy!

There have been many stories in the news concerning the Catholic Church and child abuse. I really didn't think the problem was as large and pervasive as this article is pointing out. The report states that more than 4,000 minors were abused over the last six decades. Unbelievable. It will be interesting to see IF the church has what it takes to deal with this issue.

It was only a matter of time before Linux came to cell phones. Microsoft should stick to doing what it does best (when I think of something they do well, I'll let you know). Linux is open source, less expensive, and fast (amazing what an OS can do without bloat!). It will be interesting to see where the OS war in cell phones takes us.

Here's an interesting tidbit I came accross in my web surfing. We are apparently waging an email war with Iraq that is aimed at psychological warfare. I didn't even think Iraq had internet. They never show up on my site statistics:

It's a quiet Sunday morning here. I've caught some crude going around. It starts with a sore throat, congestion, and then coughing. If you are lucky to catch it soon enough, you can usually keep it from going into a chest cold. That's what I'm trying to do right now. Once it turns into a full blown chest cold, you are usually stuck with it for several weeks. Right now I'm drinking water like there's no tomorrow trying to flush it out of my system.

I was surfing the internet for news (don't know what people did before the internet!), and I came across an issue that in increasingly more popular with some states: discontinuing the practice of the death penalty. Governor George Ryan of Illinois announced Saturday that he had commuted the sentences of all of the state's death row inmates and said he would "sleep well knowing I made the right decision." The governor said the state's capital punishment system is "haunted by the demon of error....in determining who among the guilty deserves to die." Well, I've thought that for a long time actually. When I was much younger, I used to think that people who kill others should be put to death. I suppose I could still support that if the criminal justice system is perfect. Now that we have DNA testing, some prisoners on death row have been completely cleared of their crime. Which means, not only were they about to be put to death unjustly, but they also put in a great deal of time served.

It looks like the Southern Baptists are in the news again. In Nashville, Tennessee there is a plan to add sexual orientation to the city's list of classes protected from job and housing discrimination. This has angered the Southern Baptist Convention, which may reconsider staging its 2005 annual meeting in its hometown. Councilman Chris Ferrell is lead sponsor of a measure to add sexual orientation to Nashville's list of classes protected from job and housing discrimination. I was so touched by what Councilman Chris Ferrell is doing that I wrote him the following letter:

Dear Councilman Ferrell:

I'm am very thankful that you are stepping up and taking a stand against bigotry in your state in adding "sexual orientation and disabilities" to the list of categories that Nashville will not discriminate against. We did the same thing years ago in Connecticut and I remember that much of the battle was very nasty and hateful. It has always amazed me how people who's gospel is suppose to preach love can espouse so much hate and intolerance.

I wanted you to know that there are many many people in the United States that still fear for their very lives day in and day out. Bigotry is alive and well around the country and it takes courageous individuals like yourself to stand up to the darkness of bigotry and hatred.

I live in another state but you can rest assured that if I lived in Nashville, I would be right there in the fight with you. Please don't forget that you are fighting a just battle and that there are many of us who are grateful for what you are doing. YOU GIVE US HOPE. Without hope, what can we look forward to? God Bless you.

Bill Cannon
Coventry, Connecticut

It's just a matter of time now before we are at war once again with Iraq. We just sent 62,000 more troops to the Persian Gulf. It puzzles me. I understand that Saddam Hussein is no boy scout, but the inspectors have found nothing at all in their search for weopons of mass destruction. None! My worry is for all the men and women who will die if we take this on. It won't be like that last time we went. This will have to involve ground troups and hand-to-hand combat to get to Hussein. With the lack of physical evidence, why would we risk that? Could the administration be covering something else up? Personally, I'm much more concerned about North Korea.

Looking back on it, today was a strange day. I went to work as usual around 7:00am. At 9:20am I had a check up with my doctor for the back problem I had over Christmas. It went ok I suppose. Let's put it this way. Two weeks ago I didn't even know this doctor. After today, I feel like he knows a great deal about me. Two weeks ago, we were dealing with the immediate problem of my back pain. Now that is out of the way, we talked about other things. He looked in my chart and said "I see you are homosexual". I had no idea they put that stuff in the charts and I told him that. He said it was important because there are issues that relate to gay people that others apparently don't have. I suppose I can see that, with bigotry, etc. He said that his belief is that we are all born bisexual. We become heterosexual or homosexual sometime during are growth, but he believes it is more in the development of the child and the circumstances the child grew up in. That's open to debate. I don't happen to totally agree with that, but that's another topic that I really don't want to delve into now. The really strange thing was that he thought that my leg was still numb (from the pinched nerve in my back), because I was full of anger and not channeling my feelings out. With that, we proceeded to beat the hell out of a chair with a towel. I know what you are thinking.... Bill is pulling our leg. Well, I'm not! Maybe there's something to it, but my leg is still numb. And, I don't really buy the notion that my leg is still numb because I'm gay. Am I wrong here??? At any rate, it's nice to know that my doctor knows now, and he really wasn't judgmental at all.

Later on in the day, we had a couple of personal tragedies happen at the company I work for. There was a death and another friend of mine is in the intensive care unit at a local hospital. Tragically, the death was a one and a half year old baby girl. I feel terrible for the parents. What do you say to them at a time like this? There is nothing to be said. Nothing that can be said would help. Suddenly, I feel stupid and shallow for complaining about the problems in my life. I mean, I'm alive, and I have so much to be thankful for. Sure, there are things that could be better, such as equality for ALL of our citizens, but when you are talking about life and death, that really doesn't seem like such a big issue anymore. I guess that is a trait of most of us. Our problems seem bigger because we are so close to them. Then, when something horrific happens to someone else, it really does put life into perspective.

I was tempted to pull my entry of 1/8/2003 entitled "Tidbits" where I'm complaining about my life issues. But, I made a self-imposed policy when I established this web log that whatever gets posted, stays! The reason I made that policy was because an entry in the log shows where I'm at at that point in time. I may later regret saying something and want to pull it. But, that doesn't make it go away. For better or worse, I have to stand by what I say.

Do you own a sports utility vehicle (SUV)? If so, you may be interested to know that you are (may be) supporting terrorism! Take a look.

I recently viewed a documentary on the life of Lance Loud. It was excellent. I never really knew much about him, other than reading his articles in the Advocate each month. He was very sharp as a writer and very talented as a stage performer. It's been one year since he died, and the documentary was a tribute to him. CNN also gave a nice write up on the documentary.

This also came up this week about the pending gay marriage legislation in Connecticut. Personally, I don't hold out much hope that anything will happen. But, I've also been giving some thought over the last few weeks just how much society has defined me as an individual.

It's a paradox. How do you feel good about yourself when you are defined by society in a certain way (a negative way I might add)? At the same time, how do you defend how you feel as a person without being "defined"? I have in the past brought issues concerning the gay community (my community, because society has said so) to this web log. In reading much of this log, I can see that it may look to others that this is ALL I am. I'm a gay man. That's all. Is that all people see? Or, has my feeling of thinking I need to justify myself gotten in the way of expressing other parts of my personality?

In other words.... I'm sick and tired of feeling different. I can certainly see why many gay people call it quits and give up. And, if I do actually belong to this so-called "gay community", where the hell are they? All of my friends are straight. Every last one of them. I'm getting to a part of my life where my attitudes are changing. I care much less about what society wants to make a big deal of than I do family issues. It's impossible for me as an individual to escape this because there are parts of my life in this society that is constantly reminding me that I am different from others. I know I'm fighting a losing battle. I, as a citizen, want to give blood. I can't. I want to be an organ donor in the event of my death. I can't. Why? Because of a societal classification which in essence says, "you are a second-class citizen". I want to marry the person I love. I can't. I want to feel comfortable having a wedding and in front of everyone declaring the love that I have for my mate, without society looking at it as a "gay marriage", (as though it doesn't count as much as a "real" marriage). I can't. I will never have that. I want to have a reception afterwards where my friends and my family come and give their blessing to the marriage. I can't. It would be easier if I didn't care for people. It would be easier if I didn't hold out hope believing in the compassion of people. I no longer want to worry about what others will think when they get to know me better. It was made black and white to me when I was told that I couldn't be a donor because I'm in a "restricted group". So, it would seem, from a societal point of view, I will never win this battle. And to top it off, I'm an Irishman who despises injustice. Somehow, someway, I have to learn to just NOT GIVE A DAMN! If anyone out there has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

This is another topic that I've dealt with on my website. It is a topic that most people don't know about or sadly, have chosen not to care about. Read it here if you are interested. It's an excellent article. You have have to register with the New York Times to read it, but it's free.

I came across this story a day or so ago and thought it was a nice one for the holidays. It's about two women who have decided to start a family. One is the biological mother and her partner of 12 years is the other parent. The only problem is, in Virginia, they can't legally be parents as a couple. That can be a big problem in the event of the mother's health or death? Would her partner be able to continue to raise the child and have any legal grounds to do so? The answer is.... no. Most states do not allow same-sex couples to adopt or to have any legally binding rights for child care. Her partner would probably lose access to the child. That is one reason that we have decided not to raise children. We didn't want to have to try to deal with those issues when there is no solution to the problem. It's too bad too. We would make great parents. I hope you enjoy this story.

Today is a lazy day around our home. Last night we had some friends over and had a great time. I hobbled around on my bad back and for the most part, it didn't bother me too much. We had a beef roast for dinner with a dijon mustard sauce (very rich). It's a nice meal to have when it's cold outside. As I look out my window as I write this, I realize that there really is a magic to this season. I always say that I love spring and summer the best, but each season really has it's own offerings. With the recent storms we have been having, the snow accumulation throughout Connecticut varies quite a bit. Where we live, there's about eight inches on the ground. Today is overcast but no precipitation.

I'm glad the Christmas season is over. Tomorrow we officially get back to the five-day grind, which is good. I am going to see Sean tomorrow night. He called me about the visit we had scheduled last Monday. It was strange. I got to the prison, told the guard who I was there to see, and the guard said that he already had visitors. Apparently, his dad and his wife decided to pop in unexpectedly to see him. Sean was expecting me, and then he sees his father. Anyway, they only allow one visitor in at a time per day, so I made the trip for nothing. I'll try again tomorrow night. He is scheduled to be transferred sometime this month to Massachusetts, so I suppose I will see less of him then. It's probably better for him. He wants to pursue his education, and the opportunities to do that are better there.

I have a few New Years resolutions that I am going to try to accomplish. They are (in no particular order):
Get in better shape and lose some weight (who doesn't have that one on their list?)
Be more selective about who gets on my "friendship list"
Don't let others take advantage of me so easily
Spend more time with Kent and try to keep work at work
Worry less about what I cannot change
Go to the gym at least three times a week
Throw Austin's letters in the trash can and put it behind me. - DONE
Give myself more credit for my accomplishments
Refine my skills as a photographer

There, that should keep me busy! Ok... off now to write some letters and answer e-mail.

Written by Brad Kaaya, from the play "Othello" by William Shakespeare

Hugo: All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but to take flight...to soar above everything and everyone...now that's living. But a hawk is no good around normal birds. It can't fit in. Even though all the other birds probably want to be hawks, they hate them for what they can't be. Proud. Powerful. Determined. ...Dark. Odin is a hawk. He soars above us. He can fly. One of these days...everyone's going to pay attention to me. Because I'm gonna fly too.

I guess I should have seen this coming from a mile away. But, like so many things, it isn't happening overnight and so, goes mostly unnoticed by most. The internet has done a remarkable thing that no other entity of communication has been able to do. It has unified the peoples' of the world in a way that has never occurred. A message from any part of the world can now be sent to anyone and will usually be delivered within seconds. I, for example, commonly talk to people all over the world. It has changed the way I do work at home. Out of mere habit, I will open my instant messenger of choice (not promoting any one program) before I even start work. It will just sit in the background letting anyone and everyone know that I am online. Occasionally, a message will pop up from a friend of mine in Australia, Poland, France, Russia, or some other very remote part of the world, and we will talk. We assume that the conversation that we are having is private. Or is it? Well, one never knows who is listening in on the line. The same goes for e-mail. And, of course, the same goes for web sites. I have recently become very aware of what it means to say out loud in writing exactly "what's on your mind". Most of us don't do that. If we feel the need, we put that in a private diary. Traditionally, that was an offline physical paper (you know... the old-style way of storing data) book. Now that was private if you kept it locked up. You could be quite certain that no one else would ever see it.

Now, I am keeping an online journal of my thoughts... my "diary" if you will. It's what you are reading right now. I told Kent recently that there really is no "freedom" of speech. I know that my friends and colleagues read this journal. What will happen if they really know what is on my mind? Does that mean that I can't be completely honest in my very own online diary? I told my companion Kent about my dilemma. He said "yes, of course you can be completely honest about what you think, but just remember that there are consequences to thoughts". Somehow, I didn't find much comfort in that answer. I want to have my cake and eat it too! So, I've decided to just say what I think and be completely honest to this blog. The people who work with me who know about my website along with my friends will have to understand. My thought and "me" are one and the same. So, here goes...

President Bush is a complete MORON and will get us in at least one war sooner than later. He's bent on it, and I don't understand why. Why all the sudden is he so hell bent on removing Saddam Hussein. Hussein has been around for a long time (we should know, we put him there). And now we are finding out that it was our own Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld who negotiated under the then president Reagan to allow Saddam Hussein to have and use chemical weapons in the first place. I keep thinking that all of this talk of war is to cover something else up. Perhaps some big scandal that will involve the President or his family? After September 11th, he has used that terrible day as a rallying cry for just about anything he wants. Unfortunately, he's just like any other politician. He will say any damn thing that sounds good to the people to get elected. Once he's in office, to hell with them. I remember one of the questions in the presidential debate was if the candidates favored equal opportunity for gays in terms of marriage rights and the military. Each one of them (along with their vice-president counterparts) answered the question the same way. "Yes of course we do. That is something that should happen because we don't want to treat people like outcasts in our own country...". Well, since President Bush has gotten into office, the discharges from the service for being homosexual hasn't stopped. He has yet to make any mention what so ever on gay marriage. Guess what? He never will and never had any intention of doing anything. In other words folks, he looked us right in the eye and LIED THROUGH HIS TEETH! Get used to it. That is all a politician is anymore. I didn't vote for him because I knew he was lying. Now, at least I can bitch about it. What about hate crimes legislation? Nothing! Nada! And, don't expect anything soon. Not from this president.

I'm a democrat. Not because I think they are any better. They don't have clue about ANYTHING. It's just that, from where I stand, I have only two choices on voting. I either don't vote because they all suck, or I vote for the least "bad" of all of them. President Bush is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Al Gore is a fox guarding the hen house. Which one would you trust?

Let's talk a bit about internet privacy. Basically, there is none. Which is ok. The internet is not a medium of privacy. However, my concern is that it will be exploited and turned into an instrument to monitor people and organizations. You might wonder what is wrong with that. I suppose nothing, IF it stops there. Not too far removed from that is the monitoring of people's thoughts that they happen to express in an e-mail to a friend or write on a website. Not even private areas of a website would be protected. Now (supposedly), it would require a court order for officials to gain access to a private password protected area of a website. In the future, don't be surprised if it becomes common for such access to be given simply at the request of an "official". Ten years from now, would I perhaps be viewed as a "malcontent" or "unpatriotic" because I called my president a "moron"? There is an interesting article that Kent pointed out to me about privacy and the internet. Let me know your thoughts. It's pretty scary stuff.