I read an article

I read an article from The Advocate that gave me a lot to reflect on. It talks a lot about acceptance and the need to have "straight allies". Throughout my life, I have thought a great deal about how other people will see me. That is, will they be friend or foe? Most straight people never have to think about that. I know it is a matter of conditioning. If you are different, you are taught at a very early age by society that it is "bad" to be different and one of the worse things you can be is homosexual. So, you get conditioned to always be careful what information you share with others. Matthew Sheppard's mistake was that he trusted people in good faith. Where people are concerned, it should be assumed that they hate gay people until they show otherwise. By assuming that, it is hoped that you will lower the possibility that you will end up tied to a fence getting beaten to death. You learn to hide what you are as a matter of protection. I had a friend once make a comment to me that my partner and I never show affection. I turned to him and said "We won't. We are very well trained". He thought it was funny and laughed out loud. I thought to myself, "how sad this world is that life is nothing but a charade". Without even thinking about it, I will subconsciously never publicly show affection to the one I love most in life. That means I will never dance with my partner in public. We will never hold hands in public. The closest I will come to showing any sense of being a homosexual is sitting at the same table with my partner in a restaurant. People can (and have) made their own assumptions from that. We have even encountered people laughing at us because they assumed we were gay, and even throwing curses our way trying to start a fight.

So, this article hit me in a certain way. When we have straight friends who accept us, we are overjoyed at the acceptance and think that it is a small miracle that someone in mainstream society would like or even talk to a "queer". We think this because after a lifetime of being beaten down, the ego of a homosexual is pretty much shot to hell. I am dealing with this right now in my life. I know I'm a good person with a big heart. Can't I just be that and nothing else? I wish it were that simple. What really made me think was something from the article that said "No one expects Ebony and Jet to run annual spreads on White People We’re Crazy About.... The civil rights movement long ago dispensed with the notion that tolerance is a basket of plums to be proffered by a kindly majority. It is an inalienable human right—an occasion for war, not thank-you notes. Something to be accepted if it is offered but not a gift that demands big frothing kisses in return".

We are so desperate that even the gay magazines run headlines such as Coolest Straight People of 2002. While I'm gratified that there are straight people out there who like us, it seems sad to me that we feel the need for that confirmation. As though to say "thank you for allowing us to exist". We read quotes from celebrities such as Justin Timberlake who said that there’s no room in his world for “negative people who hate.” Thank you Justin, but why do we feel the need for that kind of confirmation? Why can't we just say (and truly believe) what the writer of the article said: "Thanks a lot, Justin, but I don’t give a crap whether you like me or not.” ?

Perhaps the thing that I find most repulsive about all of this is that I feel as though the whole issue of black/white, gay/straight, etc. forces me and others to choose our allies. I have straight friends who I love very much. Some straight friends I've had in the past have had me for a friend because I'm gay, I suppose so they can feel progressive. At the time, I didn't know I was their token "gay friend". I found out later when they decided that they no longer wanted me to be part of their life. It's easy to say "that's their problem", and it is their problem. But, it does nothing to answer the issue of how to break the social attitudes that drive us apart.

If I can explain it yet one more way.... There's a character on Queer As Folk named Brian Kinney. Basically, I hate everything about him and everything he stands for. Yet, I know he's probably got it together better than most of us. About Brian, the website simply states "Whether in the boardroom, the bedroom or the backroom, this hot, heartbreaking ad exec tells it like it is…no apologies, no regrets". In other words, Brian doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone and makes no apologies for it. He truly does not care what others think of him. He has no need for that kind of validation. In life, he stands on his own two feet, "no apologies, no regrets". Perhaps the reason I despise him so much is because I view my concern for how others feel about me as a weakness. Brian shines a light on that weakness. Brian Kinney would say to me "don't be such a faggot". Meaning, don't derive your purpose in life from anybody or anything. DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING.

One final thought..... In this article, I've talked about my straight friends as though they are somehow separate from my other friends. I want to make it clear that it is a societal attitude that gays and straights are different. WE THE PEOPLE buy into that and in so doing, it becomes our reality. Society needs to get over this. We are all people, we are all human. And, when the atom bombs start flying, we will also be one people, and all equal. The inevitable end of anything clarifies everything.