Tidbits....

I recently viewed a documentary on the life of Lance Loud. It was excellent. I never really knew much about him, other than reading his articles in the Advocate each month. He was very sharp as a writer and very talented as a stage performer. It's been one year since he died, and the documentary was a tribute to him. CNN also gave a nice write up on the documentary.

This also came up this week about the pending gay marriage legislation in Connecticut. Personally, I don't hold out much hope that anything will happen. But, I've also been giving some thought over the last few weeks just how much society has defined me as an individual.

It's a paradox. How do you feel good about yourself when you are defined by society in a certain way (a negative way I might add)? At the same time, how do you defend how you feel as a person without being "defined"? I have in the past brought issues concerning the gay community (my community, because society has said so) to this web log. In reading much of this log, I can see that it may look to others that this is ALL I am. I'm a gay man. That's all. Is that all people see? Or, has my feeling of thinking I need to justify myself gotten in the way of expressing other parts of my personality?

In other words.... I'm sick and tired of feeling different. I can certainly see why many gay people call it quits and give up. And, if I do actually belong to this so-called "gay community", where the hell are they? All of my friends are straight. Every last one of them. I'm getting to a part of my life where my attitudes are changing. I care much less about what society wants to make a big deal of than I do family issues. It's impossible for me as an individual to escape this because there are parts of my life in this society that is constantly reminding me that I am different from others. I know I'm fighting a losing battle. I, as a citizen, want to give blood. I can't. I want to be an organ donor in the event of my death. I can't. Why? Because of a societal classification which in essence says, "you are a second-class citizen". I want to marry the person I love. I can't. I want to feel comfortable having a wedding and in front of everyone declaring the love that I have for my mate, without society looking at it as a "gay marriage", (as though it doesn't count as much as a "real" marriage). I can't. I will never have that. I want to have a reception afterwards where my friends and my family come and give their blessing to the marriage. I can't. It would be easier if I didn't care for people. It would be easier if I didn't hold out hope believing in the compassion of people. I no longer want to worry about what others will think when they get to know me better. It was made black and white to me when I was told that I couldn't be a donor because I'm in a "restricted group". So, it would seem, from a societal point of view, I will never win this battle. And to top it off, I'm an Irishman who despises injustice. Somehow, someway, I have to learn to just NOT GIVE A DAMN! If anyone out there has any suggestions, I'm all ears.