It's been a busy day

It's been a busy day for me today. I woke up this morning around 8:30. Kent was gone. He has meetings every day this weekend. I hate it when that happens. I picked today to start refinishing the bathroom in the master bedroom. It's going pretty well, although I'm only half way done, and have spent all day on it. I guess I'm not a very fast painter. A couple of hours ago, I stopped for the day, showered, and went out to dinner. Sometime between leaving for dinner and finishing dinner, I got really depressed. I'm not sure about what. Maybe several things. Maybe it was all the fumes from the paint that I inhaled all day long. Towards the end of the day, they were very noticeable in the room.

I found myself thinking about really strange things on the way to dinner. Really, a combination of a lot of things. Here's a list: why do friends grow apart over time? why so much attention to the "American family" when most families suck? why is it so hard for us to care? ....about anything? ....other than ourselves? Maybe it's my perception. Maybe everything is great for most people. Part of it is probably me. Maybe a lot of it is. I feel like I've been robbed of something by just belonging to a minority that is disliked. I'm not saying that we are the poor persecuted group or anything like that. The point is, I spend a lot of time trying to live my life in a normal way for me, and be happy. A great deal of my thought process is taken up wondering how people will think about me who just meet me, how my family looks at me, etc. I keep thinking that if I had been straight, I would be free to have normal everyday problems without all the layers and layers of other issues from being gay. I probably sound like I'm bitching and moaning about my problems, but most people who are straight never really think about their sexuality. That is the way I want to be. I advocate gay marriage, but do I really want all of that in my life? I want marriage but if you think about what we would have to go through for it, I don't know if it's worth it. We would be inviting a bunch of people to our wedding. How many would refuse to come? The ones who did come, were they just being polite, or did they just want to see what a gay wedding was like? All of that would make it impossible for the day to be the "best day of my life". It would be fraught with worry and doubt. All this from being a sexual minority.

I wonder if it's ever going to be possible for me to feel good about what I am and comfortable with this world I live in?