Sasha, August 9, 2000
I didn't write anything yesterday. I didn't write because I was feeling a sense of mourning and loss. Yesterday marked the third anniversary of our loss of Sasha. We are sad. When I speak of either Brennan (left us on November 7, 1999) or Sasha, I can now speak for a minute or two before I feel the grief of their loss. I feel a lump in my throat, and have to stop. For this reason, I avoid it. I rarely talk about them because it hurts too damn much. To this day, there are times when I will be doing something around the house and I will remember them.
One of the things most endearing to Sasha was her sense of loving her family. She was very protective of us. When it got to be 9:30 at night, she thought it was time that we all go to bed. I would typically be working on the computer, and she would come in to tell me it was time to sign off. Of course, I would humor her and tell her "just a few more minutes...". She was happy with that and went away. A few more minutes turned into ten minutes before I knew it. Suddenly, she came into the room and chewed me out royally for taking too much time. I would have to sign off right then and there with her watching me. She then escorted me to bed.
I'm sure that seems like a funny story to you, and it is. But, what seemed funny and charming at the time is what hurts most now. After she left us, I missed terribly that no one was telling me when it was time to go to bed. As with anything else in life, she became comfortable to have around and I took her presence for granted.
When she went in to see a kidney specialist, I thought we had more time together. I kissed her on the forehead and said "Be brave. I'll see you soon". Be brave? Where the hell did that come from? How stupid. Why didn't I take her in my arms and say goodbye to her? I'm full of regret. I can't relive this even now, and I'm starting to cry. Enough.
I have pictures around my home of them and in that sense they are still with us. I still feel the deep sense of loss. I have said to myself since they left that time would make it better. It has to some extent. But I now know that the sense of loss and grief will never go away. It will dull with time and I will become accustomed to it. It will never come to a point that I don't feel hurt.
We miss you like hell Sasha. We love you so much. Your family.
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Jackie,
I'm very sorry for the loss in your life - of your daughter and now Tasha. When I lost Brennan and Sasha, it was a very dark time in my life. Today, four years later, I still struggle with it. That pain is not the same as it was, but I miss them so much. I don't think anything will take away the loss, but time has helped.
December 9th 1990....pain
December 9th 2003....more pain
In 1990 my 21 year old daughter took her life. She had a 6 week old kitten with her at the time. She had taken the time to ask her Ex to take care of her cat. He did not want her so I have had sweet Tasha for 13 years. December 9th of 2003 there was no sign Tasha was ill but for some reason I was uneasy about her. In my mind I thought we had more time. After all Autumn my other cat is 14 years old. We ran out of time and 13 years to the day my Tasha left to be with my Daughter. We just ran out of time.
Bill,
Thanks for writing that. You wrote exactly what I feel. Darkness is starting to fall as I write. If she were here, she'd give me half an hour, and then she'd start telling me it's time to go to bed. Once she got me into bed, she'd go to work on you. She and I would cuddle until she fell asleep in my arms. She was precious. Although I mostly remember all of the wonderful gifts she gave me, it's still hard to live without her.