Going back home

I'm taking a much needed day off from work. Kent is in Washington, D.C. until tomorrow night, so the next two days are mine.

For the first time in many years, I have the opportunity of going back to my home state of Idaho for a visit. I have mixed emotions concerning this. Most all of my memories of Idaho are negative memories. I've long since put that behind me, and have built a great life for myself. I have managed to become the person that I want to be, and I have put all of the baggage of Idaho behind me. I hold no resentment towards Idaho, and it took me a long time to let that go.

I grew up in Emmett, Idaho. When I was there, it was a small town of around 5,000 people. It has grown by leaps and bounds I'm told. My brother, who keeps trying to get me back for a visit tells me that I wouldn't recognize the place. I have no intentions of visiting Emmett if I go back to Idaho. The memories of that place are horrible to me. As far as I'm concerned, Emmett could fall off the map and I would loose no sleep over it. I will stay in Boise and visit friends there, and visit my brother in Caldwell.

Caldwell is where I "escaped" to when I left Emmett. That is where I went to college at the College of Idaho (now known as the Albertson College of Idaho. College was an interesting time for me. Looking back on it, I was a pretty messed up kid. I was scared, unsure of myself, and I had just come out of the worst year of my life in my senior year in high school. I was sure that if anyone found out my secret of being gay, I would at best be totally shunned and rejected from my new community, and at worst, be injured or killed. I know that some of you reading this probably think that it was a gross exaggeration, but maybe not. Remember what happened to Matthew Sheppard back in 1998 in Wyoming (a neighboring state to Idaho)?

So, I did the best I could, but I was so full of anger. The worse part of it was that I couldn't tell anyone why I was so angry. I hated everything but most of all, I hated myself. I hated what I was and I was convinced that somehow, it was my fault for what had happened to me in Emmett. I probably missed many opportunities in college to meet new friends because I always watched what I said, and I never let anyone get very close to me.

My mother had separated from my step father in my sophomore year in high school. My grandmother lived with her. They would want me to visit them on the weekends when I could get away from college. Emmett was only 30 miles away, but to me it was like crossing an ocean. I never wanted to go back, even to visit my mother. I would actually break down in tears trying to talk myself into going back for a visit. When I did drive home to Emmett, I would take back country roads to avoid town for fear that those who tormented me in high school would not see me. I would sneak in to visit mom, stay a few hours, and go back to the safety of Caldwell. This continued during the rest of college.

They say that college years are the best time of your life. Maybe for some. For me, my best time in life is right now. I'm extremely happy now. I have the most wonderful man in the whole world. He is a saint. There is no one I respect more than Kent. He stayed with me in college when I wasn't pleasant to be around. I don't know why he did, but I'm grateful that he at least saw something worth staying for that I couldn't see.

Over time, I worked on building up my self esteem and realized that I wasn't the one who was messed up. It was a society filled with prejudice and hate that I had to cope with. I now realize that life is a game of balance. Everything balances out. For what I went through then, now is my time to blossom.

I will go back to Idaho to visit. The difference now is that I'm not the same person I was. I'm armed with tools I never had then. Mostly, I know who I am. I don't waste time on small people with small-minded prejudices. That's no longer my problem. I have shed it from my worries. I won't attend a church with a self-righteous pastor who is a bigot, because I know who I am and I now know that he is wrong. We all grow up with so much baggage that is put on us from the time of our earliest memories. We all have these things. Being happy later in life means letting much of that go and getting rid of the weight.

I have forgiven the people of my youth who made my life so difficult. I had to. With that baggage, I couldn't move beyond it and grow, and I didn't want to become a person consumed with bitterness. In a way, it's made me stronger and more compassionate. This visit to Idaho will probably be my last time. I'm anxious to see those I haven't talked to in such a long time and to put Idaho where it belongs - in my past.