Survivor in Gay Union Appeals Denial of Benefits to Boy

I've been talking a lot lately about marriage, and what it would mean to gay couples. There are so many ways I think it would help so many of us. If gay couple were able to get married, I'm sure what happened to this lesbian couple would never have happened (full story).

Eva Kadrey and Camille Caracappa had been a couple for five years before they decided to have a family together.

With the help of an anonymous sperm donor, Ms. Kadrey became pregnant. In March 1998, with Ms. Caracappa and her mother in the delivery room, Ms. Kadrey gave birth to a boy. The couple named him Nicolaj, after Ms. Kadrey's father.

For two years, the two women and their son were part of Ms. Caracappa's large and boisterous extended family in the Jersey Shore area, spending birthdays and holidays together. Then, in October 2000, Ms. Caracappa, an oncology nurse, died of a brain aneurysm at age 38.

The following month, with the support and urging of Ms. Caracappa's mother, Ms. Kadrey — who had been a stay-at-home mother to her son — applied for Social Security survivor benefits for Nicolaj. But the Social Security Administration denied the request, saying that the child did not meet the agency's test as Ms. Caracappa's legal survivor. The two women were not legally married, as New Jersey law does not allow same-sex marriages, and Ms. Caracappa was not Nicolaj's biological mother. ...

Ms. Caracappa's mother, Theresa Caracappa, 68, is even more determined than Ms. Kadrey to fight the matter. "It doesn't matter if you're two women," she said. "It never mattered to us. When we knew that Camille was gay, it was fine. She's my child. I loved her."

She added, "I just want Nicolaj to get what is rightfully his."

What is terribly sad is that with everything else this family has had to go through with the death of Camille Caracappa, our government has, in it's own special way, said that this family is nothing; that they are not entitled to even be considered as a family in terms of Social Security.

Of course, this is not news to us. Every pay check we receive, money is being taken out and put into a system that turns right around and denies our families the benefits that come from our contributions, in a time of need. It will hit all of us in time. Without marriage, Kent will never be able to collect Social Security should I die first. Of course, Social Security is but a small part of the picture here.

I want to make sure that the people who have meant so much to me in life are cared for after I leave, to the extent that I can make that happen. It's time for America to understand that we are made up of families, and deserve these rights.

It scares the hell out of me knowing that should I be driving to work and be involved in a car accident that would place me in a coma or make it so I was not able to make my own decisions, that Kent would not be able to make those decisions for me.

If the doctor at the hospital felt like putting his neck on the line and understood gay families, he might let Kent in to visit me, but there are no guarantees. And in the arena of making life decisions on my behalf, no hospital would put themselves at risk for a lawsuit but giving Kent that authority, because at the present time, he doesn't have that authority given by law (that marriage allows automatically). So, where would that leave me?

Well, it doesn't leave me exactly where I'd like to be. Kent is my husband, my life partner, my soul mate. He is the one who should make those decisions for me, not a relative or some social worker from the State of Connecticut.

This is reality, that many of us don't want to face. And it's sad that society can't even bring itself to recognize that there are a lot of people hurting out there, needlessly. More of us are adopting children or giving birth to our own children. We provide for them and create a loving home.

I wanted children so bad. I love kids and people have told me that I would have made a great father. It was always a dream of mine. I see other parents with kids and they treat their kids like they are a burden. It makes me angry because they are gifts, and they end up getting treated like baggage. Kent didn't want children. I think mostly because of the risks involved with gay partners having children, as I've stated above.

It's true. There are more risks with gay partners having children. You won't have the support network that is there for heterosexual married couples. After awhile, I gave up my dream of having kids. Everything happens for a reason, and for some reason, I guess it just wasn't in the cards for me to have children. I'm sure I will regret that for as long as I live. Maybe for the next generation, it will be different. Let's hope.