Spirit of Christmas

Yesterday was one of those days that most of us dread. I was trying to get everything ready for family and Christmas, and at the same time was coming down with a cold. It was a race of time to see if I could get all things done I wanted to before I ran out of energy.

I managed ok, but around 7:00pm, it all caught up with me and my fever spiked. I'm not sure what it was but I was freezing. I couldn't get warm, so I got into the shower and took a nice hot shower until the fever broke. Then I took TheraFlu, which pretty much wipes you out for the night.

I woke up this morning at 5:00. I made myself a nice cup of tea, took some more TheraFlu, put on my headphones, and watched a movie. I found myself phasing in and out of the movie, no doubt because of the TheraFlu. But, the fever is gone now at least.

I hear signs of life stirring upstairs now. Kent is up and his parents are getting up. So much has happened in our family since I last saw them. There was the whole business last summer of me not being invited to an award that his father received. I ended up going to the Virgin Islands. Don't get me wrong. Between the Virgin Islands, and Idaho, the Virgin Islands win on all fronts. But, it wasn't just that. I felt alone and rejected there. I had fun and did new things, like overcome my fear of the ocean and actually went snorkeling for the first time since encountering a shark in Hawaii. But it wasn't the same. It was hollow. Kent wasn't there, and I felt like I apparently wasn't deserving of having a family.

Gay people more times than not end up making their own family from their circle of friends. I have had to do that. I know that I'm not alone, so I'm not sitting here complaining about it like it's just me. But that doesn't make the feeling of isolation any less real to me.

Maybe this Christmas will be different. I've gone to great lengths to try to make it so. I've put up and decorated a beautiful Christmas Tree. I've decorated the entire house with ornaments. This year, I do have the Christmas spirit, but I can't help wonder if I'm setting myself up for another disappointment. I try to make my home warm and inviting. My walls are covered with past photos of friends, some of which are no longer with us. It is a reflection of our life together.

We'll see how it goes. The advantage of being sick is that if things get too intense, I'll just medicate myself an go off in to la la land.