Gay marriage demands look at human tales
A letter by Matt Lopas - April 23, 2004...
"In getting wrapped up on legality, we forget the humanity."
Tom was only a senior in high school when he took his own life.
It was October. As his -- and my -- high school planned for homecoming, he was preparing his college applications and showing off his senior-picture proofs to teachers. But Tom had a secret.
Tom was gay.
In all the hoopla surrounding same-sex marriage and Wednesday's National Day of Silence, I can't help but think of Tom, my silent reminder.
Not that I need a reminder lately. But the actions of the Massachusetts Supreme Court, the mayor of San Francisco and President Bush on same-sex marriage were pretty far away from me. Frankly I was unsure whether the country was prepared for the debate. But then the issue hit home for me. It became about Tom.
On March 3 I watched on CNN as Multnomah County, Ore., began handing out marriage licenses to same-sex couples. The county includes my hometown of Portland and is adjacent to my high school. The lines of people at the county courthouse reminded me of one person who was not there: Tom.
My mind wanders to Tom -- whose name I've changed to respect his desire to keep his sexual orientation a secret -- from time to time. It's not a good memory; I saw Tom the day he took his life.
It is so vivid I can even remember the golden sunlight in the hallway. I was walking to my locker and found him standing outside the nearby classroom, waiting for his teacher to show up. But the part of the story etched in my brain is the terror on his face.
Off in my own world, I just walked by. I shook my head and thought, "Poor guy must have left his books in his locker." After all, I was going to be late to French class. At my small school, everyone knew everyone, but I would not have called Tom a friend. He was the awkward kid who hung out with the school's misfits.
That night he shot himself. I found out later, as people in the school came to terms with his death, that Tom had told people he was gay.
As I watched the smiles on the faces outside my hometown courthouse, I found myself wishing Tom was there to replace the mental picture that has haunted me. There are many causes to a suicide, and it certainly cannot just be pinned on a fear of sexual orientation. But I can't help but think that things would be different if he had not felt he needed to hide himself.
An Oregon judge ruled Tuesday that the state has to change its marriage laws to allow the same rights, but not marriage itself, to same-sex couples. But that's not enough for me.
In getting wrapped up on legality, we forget the humanity. It is too late for Tom, but what about those who still go through his experience? Real acceptance and equality could help the freshman girl down the hall from you or the quiet guy in your history class.
There are many arguments against equal rights for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. The real issue, though, is a lack of acceptance.
But for me, it is about dignity and it is about Tom.
It will always be about Tom.
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I read the story about your friend Tom Frankly, it brought tears to my eyes. When i think about the social repression that has recently befallen the GLBT community (ie, the ban on equal marriage rights for same-gender couples) it makes me so angry. We have come so far in the last 20 years or so and mainstream American society had become more accepting of gays,lesbians, bisexuals, and transexuals. I guess that made The Old Boys Network awfully uncomfortable.
Now what happens? I fear a backlash of violence against the GLBT community on a wide-spread level. Personally speaking i can relate to Tom's wishes to keep his sexual orientation a secret, I am a bisexual man and i live in Kansas, a state that is very intolerant of of people who identify themselves as GLBT. There have been many hate crimes perpetrated against gays lesbians bisexuals and transexuals in the state of Kansas but you'll never hear about them because our news stations would rather report on either useless fluff or government PR type prop.
I certainly hope more gays and lesbians and bisexuals and transexuals will become more involved in human rights activism, we need to be more organized and we need to become just as intolerant (if not more) of being treated like freaks, vermin and second class citizens as the people in control are intolerant of us. Well anyway thanks for posting this story. Although it was very sad, it was informative none-the-less. Furthermore , I feel that this story had a message of hope: That humanity will ultimately win over legality, the the human spirit is a stronger force than any beurocratic policy ever will be.
Thank you and God Bless, Jimi S. , Kansas