Making Peace with Yourself

It's 5:00 on a Saturday morning. I woke up from a bad dream and couldn't fall back to sleep. So, I got up, put on my most comfortable night shirt, went downstairs and brewed a nice hot cup of Earl Grey tea, with just the right about of honey, made from our own Coventry bees (we're very proud of our local bees here).

I'm sitting here writing this upstairs in our family room. We have a large window looking towards the east. The sun is just beginning to rise and I'm seeing the first signs of light and life -- my cat (Maxwell) just entered the room, yawned, stretched, scratched his butt, and look at me to say, "Why are you up so early?" It's so quiet here.

I dread today. Kent is leaving for another trip this afternoon. I hate it when he travels, especially overseas. I know it's just my irrational fear of what could happen, but it's real to me. There are so many evils in this world and so many unknowns. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling a lot. But, I like going with him, as though I could protect him if something should happen. At least, it would happen to the both of us. And with my Irish fighting spirit, who knows, I might be able to stop a war. He's leaving this afternoon for Boston, then he's off to Frankfurt, Germany. From there, off to his final destination of Faro, Portugal. He will come home next Saturday. I had talked about going with him, but can't be away that much. We are going to Idaho for two weeks August 7th, after all.

Me, I'm a person who, at least in our personal every day lives, likes predictability. I'm past the age of wanting something new in my life or the need to try something different. I like knowing that he's going to be there every morning when I wake up, that the lawn has to be mowed every weekend, and that we plan to go see a certain movie that just came out. That's not to say that we are the same. It is the difference between us that makes it all work. It is the fact that we can be having a conversation, and I will say something to him that will simply blow him away, just to prove a point. He will respond by saying, with a big smile on his face, "Where the hell did that come from?" I will explain and tie it all together for him. He will look at me with so much love in his eyes and say to me, "You have a very creative mind."

I've come to realize that I look at life a lot differently from most people. Your own life you can weave into what you want it to be. It can take years for you to understand what you want that to be, because we are ever changing. That's all for the good. I was miserable as a young man. I've grown into happiness. Knowledge of myself, and the situation around me has made me the person I am today. You can dwell on what could happen, you can only effect what is happening now. I'm reminded of when I took Taekwondo. I wasn't that good, but there were lessons learned that were very valuable to me. It turns out that the man I took Taekwondo from was Korea's national champion for six years running when he was younger. He was awesome to watch.

He would give us our lessons, then talk to us about life and philosophy. Then, he would show us the history of what he covered in the lessons. Some of the movements seems dumb to me, but in application, they became much different. With force and grace, the moves became deadly instruments of self defense.

I took Taekwondo because I was afraid of being beaten up again. I couldn't fight. I never knew how. I thought this would be something that would be useful for me. So, when Master Kim asked me why I was there, I told him, "I want to learn to defend myself so no one can ever hurt me again." He told me, "I can teach you Taekwondo, but nothing will stop others from hurting you. You will have to find the path to happiness yourself. It is a journey that only you can take." I thought at the time, "This guy's full of crap, but can he fight?" But I told him, "Ok. When can we start?"

After months of training, I began to feel something gradually change in me. I began to feel confident and powerful. I was teaching other beginning students the forms and techniques of Taekwondo. Then, I would be called into my regular class. What I hated was being called up to fight with Master Kim. It was alway a demonstration of some technique. On one occasion, he was holding these styrofoam bats. The exercise was one of blocking the bats so that they didn't hit vital parts of your body. Of course, I was awful. He beat the hell out of me with the bats. Had they been real bats, I would have been a bloody mess. Then, he provoked me. He came up to me as though he knew what had happened in my past, pulled back my hair, pointed to one of the scars on my head that was the result of being hit with a pipe when I was beaten in my youth, and said to me, "This will happen to you!". He then beat me again, and I could do nothing. All of this in front of the class. I was angry and getting more angry by the minute.

He then dropped the bats, came up to me, looked me right in the eye and said, "Let it go. Let all of it go. You and your body are nothing. They cannot be touched. Clear your mind. They are nothing. Look at me, in my eyes and you will know the truth." I know it makes no sense here and now, as I am writing about this. But, when you've been beaten twice by those bats and are worn down, everything changes. He picked up the bats again, and went into combat form. The attack was coming, and I was calm. I looked into his eyes, and as he charged towards me, I remained still and standing in the same spot. As he hit me with the bats, I blocked everything with both my arms and my legs. He could not touch me. He stepped back from me and said, "OHHHHHHH!!!!!!" He looked at the class who were somewhat in shock. He looked at me, and I was in a peaceful place. The combat was there, but I was not part of it. He taught me that day that the conflict and me, were not the same. That was the lesson that day. He said, "If the conflict and you become the same, the battle is already lost."

Another day, we paired up. We were always put with someone of equal size, except on this day. I was put with someone of higher rank and much bigger. I looked concerned. I said, "But Master Kim, he is so much bigger than I am". Master Kim snapped back with, "Size mean NOTHING! Judge me by my size do you"? He was a small man, I would say 5 foot 5 inches, if that. He then called all of his best students out on the mat who surrounded him in a large circle. He told us that size was irrelevant in the equation. What mattered was inner peace and balance - always balance. There must always be balance. I'm thinking to myself, "Ok, but the guy out weighs me by one hundred pounds and is ten inches taller than I am, and he out ranks me in technique."

Master Kim then looked at his black belts. There were about twelve of them. He then said to them, "Attack me!". They looked at each other not knowing exactly what to do. He repeated the demand with more force, "Attack me!!!". They all rushed in and piled on top of him in a big huddle. I actually thought he was hurt. Then, all the sudden, I heard a loud yell. He emerged from the center of the huddle. The black belts flew threw the air and away from him. He jump up I would say ten feet in the air, and when he came down he landed on one foot. The other leg was bent and his arms were extended like a crane. It was like a graceful bird who was about to take flight. When he landed on his foot, there was no struggle for balance. It was like a ton of bricks falling in absolutely one place. The black belts on the floor were seeing stars as they shook their head to try to steady themselves. Master Kim stood there for all of a minute at peace. We looked on in disbelief. He then turned to the class and said, "If you are balanced, nothing can touch you. This is true in all of life." That was the end of the lesson.

My final days of Taekwondo became personal for me. I did my warm ups, and prepared for class. I was paired up with a new guy in class. I had never seen him before. He was stocky and somewhat bigger than myself. We were doing non-contact sparring. You go through the motions of the different techniques that you have learned, but you can never touch your partner. The only times that was allowed was when you were wearing protective body armor. On this day, we were not, so contact was not allowed.

The guy I was paired with was a jock-type and very arrogant. He told me as we were sparring that he was doing this to see if there was anything to it. He said, that he was a boxer and loved street fighting. He told me as we were going through the moves, they he enjoyed going out and beating up guys who he thought were were sissies, just for sport.

I stopped fighting with him and asked Master Kim for a new partner. The request was denied. The guy then started teasing me about me being one of those guys that he would like to beat to a pulp. I concentrated on getting through the exercise and tried to ignore what he was saying. Then it happened. He came in with a full punch to my right shoulder. I fell to the ground. Master Kim immediately came over, looked at him and said, "No contact!". The guy nodded. I got up, looked at the guy and said, "What the hell's your problem? We can't touch. I want to just get through this." He looked at me and said, "Yeah well, to get through this you may have to come through me." I said nothing. He them lunged at me, and ran his fist into my stomach and knocked my legs our from under me. I hit the mat hard and the breath was knocked out of me. Again, Master Kim came over and told him that he must stop with the contact. Master Kim then offered his hand to help me up off the mat. When I was up on my feet, Master Kim looked at me and said, "You must defend yourself, of course." I looked at him puzzled. What did that mean. I took it to mean, that if my partner wasn't going to abide by the rules, why should I?

We sparred some more. Again my opponent charged at me. It was different though. This time, he was the one who had beaten me so many years ago. I felt rage and anger boil up. Old rage that I thought was gone came back. I was moving on my feet and was defending myself. But I suddenly felt the incredible rush of adrenaline hit. Suddenly my legs and arms felt hard and I felt weightless. It was an incredible feeling of power. And, mentally, I wanted to take this guy out. He swung at me. By the time his fist had reached it's target, the target had moved. But I had a target. I hit him hard in his sternum. He fell to the mat trying to gain his breath. I moved in for the kill. I put my right knee on his chest, drawing my right arm back and opening my hand. The full move was a full strike with the palm of my hand to his nose. It would have been a devastating blow that would probably have resulted in death. As I was coming down, I could see my actions, but I couldn't stop. A yell came out of my mouth and everyone in the room stopped their fighting. The yell was rage and hate. In the journey my hand took towards his face, it was interrupted by Master Kim. He grabbed my hand and pushed my balance off and I fell on the mat. I immediately came back up and went into fighting stance against Master Kim. It was as if I was saying, "This is mine! Don't stop me." Master Kim could read that, and gave me a warning to stop and to go to the corner. The corner was where you were sent for disobeying an order, or to cool off. I reluctantly went to the corner for the remainder of the class.

At the end of the class, as we were leaving, Master Kim looked at me and said he wanted to talk to me in his office. I was thinking I was in bad trouble. When I went in, he asked me to sit. I did. He looked at me, and took a deep breath. He then said, "Anger", shaking his head. "Anger is the worst of all enemies because it consumes everything. Your enemy today was your past." I said, "I would have won!" Master Kim said, "Yes, you would have won. But won what? A victory? If you would have won, you would have lost, because you would have become your enemy." I thought about that, and realized that there was so much I hadn't dealt with in myself. Tears started running down my cheeks but I tried not to cry. Master Kim looked at me and said, "Let it go. You are not in that place anymore." I composed myself, got up to leave, opened the door, and he said, "One more thing." I turned around and looked at him and he said with a big smile on his face, "Good punch!!". I smiled back, and went home.