August 2004 Archives

Last week, The Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts made another landmark decision concerning they lesbian and gay community. Apparently, in Massachusetts, gay couples have the legal right to get married, but we don't have to be responsible for our children when those marriages don't work out.

In a close 4 to 3 vote, the same court which legalized marriage equality in Massachusetts last November, ruled that a woman who planned to have a child with her lesbian partner by artificial insemination, only to sever the relationship before her partner gave birth, did not have to pay child support.

It's hard to understand the court's logic in this. They just ruled last November that gay and lesbian couples should be allowed to marry in the state of Massachusetts. And now, they are saying that, unlike heterosexual marriages, we shouldn't have to be responsible for child support when gay and lesbian marriages that involve children fail.

Of course, they article does not mention if the couple actually got married but from the wording in the article, I assumed that was the case. (source)

Equality means equality, nothing less. If we want equality, we have to be willing to be equal, which means suffering all the legal ramifications involved with children and divorce.

When we were in Idaho, we stopped in at this restaurant to eat lunch. I had to take a photo of this bathroom. Over the urinal was a sign for "Moose Drool" brown ale. With a name like Moose Drool, you just have to try it.

At the very least, it gave the mind something to ponder while you were finishing up business.

At a time that I think society is changing it's attitude towards more acceptance of our community, something always seems to happen that makes me question this.

I was driving home today and listing to news on a New York City station. It was about what the comedians were saying about Governor McGreevey being gay and having an affair. Him coming out of the closet is news I suppose, although one could argue these days at how newsworthy that really is. Him having a gay affair while in office is news worthy, although in the age of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I don't fully understand why people find this more taboo than a straight affair.

But what really irks me is that as far as the comedians are concerned, it's open season on the gay jokes. Haven't we outgrown the need to get a cheap laugh at the expense of a segment of our society, or has the memory of the unity we felt as one people faded after 9/11? Think I'm overreacting? Ask yourself this question. When was the last time David Letterman or Bill Maher made a joke directed towards the black or jewish communities in a disparaging way?

The jokes are divisive and condescending and I resent the fact that we are still, to some, nothing more than a punch line.

On CBS' "Late Night," David Letterman wondered aloud whether it was "too early to hit on Mrs. McGreevey." Craig Kilborn cracked on CBS' "Late Late Show" that the governor was chipping in to the relief effort for Hurricane Charley by sending throw pillows.

HBO's Bill Maher mused, "Apparently he was having an affair with a homosexual Israeli poet, who he appointed the state's homeland security adviser. Which partially explains why New Jersey's terror alert colors were parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." (source)

Computer software terms...

proprietary = few people make big bucks

Open source = many make little bucks

I spotted this sign in the back of a business in Stanley, Idaho and got a kick out of it.

This reminds me of moving to Coventry, our current home.

When we moved to Coventry eight years ago, we weren't sure how we would be received. It's a farming community out in the country. We went about our business trying to be good neighbors. We moved into a new home that had just been built. We had to put in a new mailbox out front. We bought a standard mailbox, dug a hole, and placed it in the ground.

Then, one day, we go out and find that the mailbox post was torn out of the ground and the post was lying on top of the ground. I thought it was a bit odd because around the mailbox, I had planted flowers and they were undisturbed. Perhaps the post was pulled out at night and they couldn't see the flowers. I don't know.

We replaced the mailbox with a new one. This time, we placed concrete into the hole to secure it. This one had a wooden frame to it over the mailbox, to look like a little house. I thought it was charming for our country home. A couple of weeks later, when we went to work one morning, we noticed that the wooden house over the mailbox had been taken. We never found it again. Also, the post had been loosened, as though they were trying to pull it out.

We secured the post with rocks, and I bought forest green spray paint for metal surfaces and simply painted the mailbox. I also called the local police to alert them of this. I was sure that we were being targeted for being gay because none of our neighbor's mailboxes had been tampered with.

It seemed to have stopped after calling the police. I don't know if word got out that the police had been there, or if it was simply some school kids who didn't like us pulling the prank. Perhaps they went off to college and are no longer around.

EL CERRITO - Denis and Seph Paul wanted to broadcast a nonviolent response to bigotry, and more than 120 people came to help them do it.

The couple much preferred their Sunday afternoon healing ceremony-block party to the two red bricks that have been hurled at their house at the corner of Eureka Avenue and Liberty Street in the short time they've lived there.

El Cerrito police went to the Pauls' house in March after the couple discovered a brick in their yard with a derogatory anti-gay message attached to it.

Police responded again last week when someone threw a red brick through the front window.

"I can't recall the last time we had something like this where someone was targeted for their sexual preference or orientation," Sgt. Shawn Maples said. (source)

Religion is the daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the Unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce

I love that quote! I came upon a very interesting article written by a former pastor. It made a lot of sense to me. I encourage you to read it. Here is an excerpt from it (emphasis mine).

Jerry Falwell will say surveys demonstrate that the majority of Americans consider homosexuality immoral. But, why is this the majority view? Give any group, especially bible-indoctrinated literalistic preachers the unchallenged opportunity to repeat the same declaration over and over and over like a mantra and a majority will always agree.

Jerry Falwell knows Jesus said, "neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit" (Mt 7:18). If same-sex marriage is so immoral, how could these alleged immoral same-sex relationships spawn committed monogamous couples who live model lives, serve honorably in the military, hold respectable jobs/professions, care for children, pay taxes, maintain homes, and give of themselves for community service? The real question ought to be: Is it moral for society to classify these homosexual couples as ineligible for the same legal rights and privileges as heterosexual couples just to satisfy the irrational demands of biblical literalists? If we are to condemn same-sex marriage it must be on rational evidence-based thinking, not the bare assertions of the Bible.

I read this excellent story on the resignation of New Jersey Governor James McGreevey. I thought I'd share it.

The truth is if he wasn't gay, he probably wouldn't be stepping down right now. Bill Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani didn't. Newt Gingrich did. And they shouldn't have, none of them. They shouldn't have stepped down because their private infidelities had no bearing whatsoever on their ability to govern. I think most Americans agreed that, media circus aside, these affairs left their leaders intact. They were still the same men that America, New York and Georgia elected. [...]

We especially want to know the details when those guilty are gay. It's a taboo that has yet to become as commonplace as some conservatives would have you fear and some liberals would like you to believe.

So the truth is that McGreevey is being forced to resign by all of us. Our America isn't mature enough or progressive enough to allow McGreevey to remain in office because to the majority of Americans, he's no longer James McGreevey the governor, he's James McGreevey, the gay governor. And many Americans could be interested to read all about his exploits as "America's gay governor" in the tabloids. [...]

A lot of us, even some of us who claim to be unbiased, look a McGreevey with a little bit of shame and a little bit of disgust. We can't help it. Our America still has a long way to go. [...]

Let's not see James McGreevey as a gay American. Let's see him as who he is ... an American. (source)

This happened while I was away on vacation. I purposely did not follow any news while on vacation, and now I know why.

Intellectually, I'm trying to process this. For decades, society at large has had the opinion that those people (gays) were not capable of forming lasting relationships. And during this time, everything possible was done to keep homosexuality in the dark ages, to make it something to be loathed.

Indeed, until 1973, homosexuality was even viewed as a mental disease by the American Psychiatric Association. When we tried to have free association in gay bars, they were frequently raided. When we tried to meet in other places, we were frequently arrested.

And today, when we want to publicly validate our relationships with marriage, we are denied that. I suppose I should just shut up and be happy that they are no longer saying that we can't form lasting relationships.

Is this progress?

(San Francisco, California) The California Supreme Court Thursday ruled that San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom exceeded his authority when he allowed same-sex couples to obtain marriage licenses earlier this year.

The court, a 5 - 2 decision, declared that the marriages of gays and lesbians that resulted, more than 4,000, are void.

In their ruling the justices made it clear that the issue in the case was confined to Newsom's actions and the direct results from them but did not involve the constitutional issue of gay marriage. That will decided by the high court at a later date, once the various suits wind their way through the lower courts.

"To avoid any misunderstanding, we emphasize that the substantive question of the constitutional validity of California’s statutory provisions limiting marriage to a union between a man and a woman is not before our court in this proceeding, and our decision in this case is not intended, and should not be interpreted, to reflect any view on that issue," the ruling said.

The ruling went on to say that if the state ban on gay marriage is eventually struck down, "same-sex couples then would be free to obtain valid marriage licenses and enter into valid marriages." [...]

Two Justices Joyce Kennard and Kathryn Mickle Werdegar dissented on the issue of the couples' status, saying the court should refrain from ruling on their marriages before it decides whether the marriage law is constitutional.

Until the constitutional issue is before the court, Kennard said, "it is premature and unwise to assert ... that the thousands of same-sex weddings performed in San Francisco were empty and meaningless ceremonies in the eyes of the law.'' (source)

This always gets on my nerves when I read a story like this. Of course, across the United States, it is happening every single day. This is happening in my state of Connecticut. Under cover police officers are arresting gay men for having sex in public parks. There are a couple of things wrong with all of this.

First off, the law is not enforced uniformly. I've heard of numerous instances where straight couples who are caught making out in cars are told to take it somewhere else. They are let go without an arrest. When gay couples do exactly the same thing, it often results in an arrest along with your name and address being published in the local paper.

Secondly, many older gay men associate such behavior as a form of socialization. I know, you think that's a cop out, but it's really not. In the fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, and much of the nineties, there were no places for gay men to meet in many areas that were safe. This is still true of many places today in the United States.

If you went to a gay bar and it was raided, you would still be arrested and your name would most likely be posted in the papers. It also could be a source for gay bashers. If you reported a crime from being bashed by someone, you could risk being arrested and bashed by the police as well and again, your name could be published in the local paper.

So, over time, people went underground for their associations with others like themselves. This is just human nature. Anyone would do it because we are social animals. We all want to feel like we aren't alone, that there are others like ourselves.

It is getting better for gay youth. There are more and more safe outlets for them to openly acknowledge they are gay, lesbian, or transgendered without the risk of arrest. I would venture to say that ninety-five percent of those arrested are over they age of thirty. Maybe in time, when the police understand that the source of the problem isn't gay men but the bigoted policies of the past, we can actually start solving the problem.

The solution isn't to publish the names of gay men in the paper who are caught in the parks. The solution in the long run is to find safe and publicly acceptable outlets for them to be with each other. This will only happen when society begins accepting openly gay people in it's midst. All an arrest will achieve is more bigoted attitudes within police departments, feelings of unfair treatment by the gay community by the police, and, in cases where some individuals are outed by an arrest, you can expect to see some suicides. Is that the answer?

Unfortunately, some police officers out on the streets today would say, "yes".

August 7, 2004 By GARY LIBOW, Courant Staff Writer

HADDAM -- Word of an impending police undercover crackdown on illicit sexual activity at Seven Falls State Park doesn't appear to have deterred gay men looking for an encounter.

On Friday at 3 p.m., men sat in two vehicles in the lower parking lot of the state park, located just over the Haddam-Middletown border. On Thursday afternoon, several cars were parked alongside Route 154 as well as in the lower lot.

Resident Trooper Jim Connelly said that state police are teaming with state Department of Environmental Protection police to combat lewd behavior that is keeping hikers and picnickers out of the park.

If you can say to someone, 'Put your hands on your head,' with an M-16 in your hands, you should be able to kiss a dude. - Colin Farrell, when asked about playing gay roles.

Written on August 21, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

We are still in Boise and scheduled to fly out in a few hours. Kent is sleeping and I am wide awake thinking about many things. I'm reflecting on this trip that we've taken to our home state of Idaho. We met with old friends from college and just last night I met with my best friend in the world who I went to grade school, middle school, and high school with. We grew up together. He is like family to me. Yet, we haven't spoken for the last twenty years. It seems that our paths have gone in different directions. It's not that we have nothing in common. We talked last night and it's as if no time has gone by. Yet, for some reason we have lost touch with each other.

I'm left with the question, why? I've always told myself on so many occasions, "There is no 'why'", but I find the notion of leaving dear friends behind unsettling, when I value friendship above everything else. Should I be valuing friendship so highly, or should I focus more on my path in life and what I want to achieve? Is friendship really... real?

I say this because if it is real and has value, why is it so easily discarded? Or perhaps being friends with someone and being in touch with someone are different issues. If you don't see or talk to someone for twenty years for no apparent reason, is the friendship still maintained? It's a disturbing concept to me because I have many people in my life that I know. Some are people I work with, some I come in contact with through other people I know. Yet, they are just people that I meet, and go on about my life. I would expect these people to enter and leave my life because there is no real attachment to me.

Is friendship the same way? I've always put it on a higher pedestal than mere acquaintances, yet, it seems to be treated the same as acquaintances. People who I love and have shared so much with can go for years without contact with me. If emails or messages from me are not returned, I assume that there is no longer a desire for friendship. So, nothing happens and years go by. Does friendship matter any more in this world of ours, or has it been replaced by something else?

Written on August 16, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

My first night at Redfish Lake Lodge was restful. I was so tired from all the activities over the last few days that I didn't realize how tired I was. We went to bed around 9:30pm and slept completely through the night. I woke at 6:30 and it was dead quiet. It was nice. We showered, went downstairs to the restaurant and had a big breakfast. We weren't going to take a lunch on the hike so I wanted to eat well before we left on our hike to Alpine Lake.

I've learned one thing this week about hiking. There is no standard scale for determining the difficulty of a hike it seems. I was told that the hike to Alpine Lake was moderately difficult. To me, it was difficult. Let me describe the hike.

We stated out around 10:00am. The trail started gently, but after awhile the trail started doing switchbacks, weaving it's way back and forth up the mountain. The huge mountains with their high peaks kept getting closer and closer to me and I realized that my elevation was growing closer to theirs. I also realized that breathing was becoming much more difficult. It took me three deep breaths to equal what used to equal one breath at the lower elevation. Climbing was becoming more labored and there were times that I considered turning around and going back. Kent's brother didn't think I would make it because he didn't consider me much of a hiker. That's the thing about me. No one tells me that I can't do something or achieve something. So every time that I thought about quitting and turning back, I thought of what Kent's brother said to me and I said to myself, "Keep goin!".

The scenery up the mountain was breath taking. It was worth all the pain and effort to get there. The mountains were magnificent. Before we reached our summit, we passed by a waterfall in the distance. It was the drainage from Sawtooth Lake, which is a bit higher than the lake we were going to.

We finally arrived at Alpine Lake around 1:00pm. It was even more spectacular than I imagined it would be. We sat down on a log over the cold lake water and dangled our feet in the water as we had our trail mix and fig newtons. It was absolutely quiet and serene. We stayed about 45 minutes before leaving to return to our car.

Getting down was more difficult for me. We were going down hill which should be easier. But, I was hiking with new hiking boots that I bought before coming to Idaho. They were fine on the way up the mountain, but by the time we returned, by feet were saying enough. I didn't get blisters. It was more like a constant cramp in my muscles. The trip down the mountain seemed three times longer than the trip up.

I was relieved when we got back to the car. We went back to the lodge, where I quickly showered. I was still aching from the hike. I took some medication for pain, and we went to dinner. It was there that I discovered that the lodge makes great Bloody Mary's.

After dinner, we sat outside on the porch for a bit looking at the lake and mountains. I tired quickly, probably from the Bloody Mary and went to bed at 9:00pm. It was a nice day.

Written on August 15, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

We woke up around 7:00 after a really nice night's sleep. The Sun Valley Inn is super nice and it's a rare thing to be able to say that a bed in a hotel rivals the bed you are used to at home, but this one did. I slept completely through the night. We had breakfast at The Konditerei, a restaurant in Sun Valley Village.

After breakfast, we packed up and checked out of the Sun Valley Inn, and headed out to Redfish Lake Lodge about an hour away, assuming that you don't stop. That's a tough thing to do since you pass over Galena Summit, with spectacular views of the Sawtooth Mountains. Redfish Lake Lodge is where we will be staying for the rest of the week. There are cabins that can be rented throughout the summer and it's right on beautiful Redfish Lake. It also has a nice restaurant and bar, which serves unbelievable Bloody Mary's, and is where we all meant today for a luncheon with the family as a final celebration.

It was an awesome lunch and we all had a great time. I was happy to feel like I finally belonged to this family. It was probably the most difficult battle that I have ever fought. Being gay, and more importantly, a gay couple in a conservative religious family is not easy. But now that we are through all of the nasty things from the past, I think the battle was worth it. I feel close to these people and I look upon them as my family. I even think of Kent's parents now as "Mom and Dad".

After lunch, different people left. We remained behind with the parents. They wanted to walk to the campsite that they stayed at on their honeymoon, fifty years ago. It was a very personal thing for them and they wanted their kids to join them. It was obvious that I, along with Kent's sister-in-law were to be a part of this. That meant a lot to me. I was considered one of their kids.

They found the spot they stayed at. The really striking thing in all of this was a huge log that they had their picture taken on fifty years ago. They found the spot they stayed and they found the same log. They climbed up on the log and I took some photos of them. Afterwards, they climbed down, we all hugged, and I told them that I hoped it was a happy time for them. We all shared a few tears of happiness. It was very touching.

We walked back to the lodge, and said our goodbyes. They were going back home to Burley, and we would be setteling into the lodge for the week.

Written on August 14, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

Today was a very full day. We woke up early, and had breakfast in Burley, Idaho where Kent's parents live. We then drove to Sun Valley, Idaho and had their fiftieth wedding anniversary. It was nice. Since I've never been invited to a single family function in the last 30 years that Kent and I have been together, there were very few people there that I knew. They all knew of me it seems. I suppose from asking if Kent was involved with anyone over the years, or perhaps from all the unsettling confrontations between us and the family over the years concerning me. I suppose my invitation is a direct result of me raising hell last year when his father received a lifetime achievement award. I wasn't invited to that either. It was the same with so many other events in the past, but that was different. I thought I had been accepted as part of the family, even though Kent and I had never been able to marry. I assumed I would be invited and planned to go to it because I felt that it was one of those events that was monumental and only happens once. When I learned that I was not going to be invited, I wrote an email detailing why I was so disappointed and hurt by their decision. As you might imagine, it was not a gently worded letter. I wanted them to know that I was tired of giving total consideration to their family and getting none in return. I wanted them to know how deeply they hurt me.

The letter I received back from Kent's father stated, "I don't think you remember how conservative people in Southern Idaho are." I responded by saying, "I do remember, but there is a difference between being conservative and being bigoted." Or, as I put it to Kent, "Not approving of someone's sexual orientation doesn't mean that you can treat them like garbage." That was the end of the correspondence on that subject. I only mention this not to dampen the spirit of the event happening this weekend, but to put it in perspective of what has happened in the past.

So, last Christmas when we had them out for a visit, they discussed the anniversary that happened today. This time I was invited. It was nice to be acknowledged as Kent's partner, but when I think about it, I still have anger over all the problems we have had for all these years with his family. It's been very very difficult at times to be civil to them. But I think today was a breakthrough for Kent's mother. She introduced Kent to a family member that he hadn't seen in many years. Then she introduced me saying, "And this is Kent's friend, partner, and house mate." I'm not sure what all of that meant, but to describe me as his partner was a big step for her. It's just too bad that she couldn't have done that twenty years ago and I wonder, will I ever fully get over the resentment of the past? I need to try for my sake because I'm a firm believer in trying to let go of excess baggage. I tell others to do the same so why should I be any different?

I guess they are trying, but I've realized that their world is different from mine. Will they ever really understand what I am to Kent and how much he means to me? Will they fully understand that we are like any other heterosexual married couple? Sadly, no, they won't. I need to stop expecting that of them and move on because I don't believe it's in them to do that. They have been taught their whole lives that what I am is evil and against God. And, to add insult to injury, I perverted their son after meeting and rooming with him in college. I sometimes feel that they look at me in that light. How do you fight that?

We had a full formal luncheon at Kent's aunts home in Ketchum. It was extremely well done and the food was fabulous. People were very friendly and cordial and we all had a good time. People were seated at different tables and Kent and I sat at the same table. It was during that time that Kent's Mom brought a friend over and introduced Kent to her. She then introduced me as his partner, which really meant a lot to me. I was very surprised and actually very proud of her for that. After lunch, they opened some gifts and we had one of the best cakes I've ever had, not too sweet with a custard layering.

After the luncheon, we checked into the Sun Valley Inn. It was nice. Everyone went to a concert performed by a local symphony, but I was too tired to go. It seems that the days activities took their toll on me. I did manage to make the ice show that evening, which was awesome. Olympic gold medalist (2002) and 4-time world champion Alexei Yagudin was the star of the show and he was wonderful, not to mention that he had an extremely high hunk factor, 9.982 on a scale of 10.

Tomorrow, we drive up to Redfish Lake. We are all having lunch up there at the lodge. After lunch, they will all go their separate ways, and Kent and I will stay at the lodge until next Friday. It will be nice to be alone together again.

Written on August 13, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

Returning to Idaho has been hectic for us. When we got into Boise, we arranged to meet with friends and family. The friends we wanted to meet with were the easy ones. You pick and choose your friends. Family is a bit tougher. You are born into families, for good or bad. In my case, I didn't really know what to expect from my family. I haven't seen them for twenty years. We parted ways on less than optimal terms.

I first told a cousin that I was gay when I went to college. I think she already knew, and being of very liberal leanings, it was not a big issue for her. My cousin then told everyone else. I didn't ask her to tell people, but she did. My two aunts were another issue. One said that "God loved me anyway, even if it was against the Bible.", and the other one said, "Don't tell John (her husband, but not his real name) because he wouldn't understand, and whatever you do, don't tell your mother because it would kill her."

That was a real ego booster and made me feel very good about myself. The concept of a son being honest and trusting of his mother to tell her the truth was not something I thought of as being a bad thing. But apparently, to my family, the truth of what I was would kill her.

So, I did what any good son would do. I lied. I didn't tell my mother, and, I started distancing myself from my family. I didn't do it to hurt them. I did it because I was struggling to find some reason, any reason to feel good about myself at a time that I hated everything about myself. After that, I would often prey to God to change me and turn me into a decent person. At some point, my cousin wrote me a letter. I only remember one sentence in that letter today. It read, "You still have a family if you want one", meaning it was my fault that things weren't the same as in the past. All I had to do was choose them over my perversion and somehow God would take care of the rest.

That is when I made a decision. It didn't come easy and it didn't come overnight. Part of that decision was based on anger. Part of it was well thought out. In the end, how could I still be part of the family? It was conditional on lieing to the very people that were suppose to be accepting no matter what. I couldn't do that to myself. I also knew that if I had any hopes of spending my life with Kent, it couldn't be built on a lie. I no longer wanted to introduce him as "my friend". I no longer wanted to guard and filter everything I said when it came to who I was attached too. I no longer wanted to say "no", when asked if I had any girlfriends YET. He was more than that and our future depended on him being more than that.

So, here I am, twenty years later, about to meet them again. I didn't know what to expect. I was greeted warmly, and Kent was treated with kindness. He was introduced as "Bill's friend". Nothing had changed, nothing. Our relationship and all that had happened in the past was never mentioned. Everyone knew of the subjects to stear clear of. And what's the point of bringing up something that happened twenty years ago anyway?

The real shame of all of this is what has been lost. Truth, honesty. and my integrity were never compromised; lieing and deceit were. Because the relationship I would have had with my family depended on those lies, it was destroyed as well.

Despite all of that, it was as if they were trying to get reacquainted with a stranger. I might as well have been the next door neighbor they hadn't seen in twenty years. My aunts were exactly the same as I remembered them. My Aunt Verna and Aunt Patty were always fighting over one thing or another but now they had grown closer than I had ever seen them. My Aunt Verna told me that she had had cancer, and that was "real tough, let me tell ya". She said that she thought she was going to die there for awhile and give up. My Aunt Patty spoke up and said, "Yeah, and when she found out that none of us gave a shit, she decided to get better", with a smile on her face. Aunt Verna said, "Well hell yeah! If they weren't going to care, I thought I might as well stick around for another ten years and subject them to me!" It was funny, they were still the same.

Aunt Verna managed a big meal for all of us which was really nice. And they had a big ice cream cake that said, "Welcome Bill and Kent". It was all nice, but I felt as if I were being welcomed into someone's home who never really knew me. It was nice to see them, but sad in a way.

Yes, it was terrible that my family had that attitude and the rejection hurt like hell, at the time. But that was long ago, in my college years. I have always been strong and I came out of it in one piece with a renewed self reliance. Had things been different, had I been a fifteen year old boy with no where to go facing that kind of rejection from the people I loved most, I would probably be like so many other gay teens who never made it who are now lieing in their graves, and I wouldn't be sitting here today writing this.

Written on August 9, 2004 while on vacation in Idaho:

I went back to my hometown of Emmett, Idaho today. I dreaded going back. I knew I was going to possibly be confronted with my demons from the past. That's the risk you take for unconvering the past.

In 1978, I left with Kent to live in the San Francisco Bay Area while he was attending Stanford University. In 1984 my mother died. I returned to Emmett for her funeral. Kent did not go. To them, he was not part of my life. I went back home to California. We later moved to Connecticut. The only family member I stayed in contact with was my brother.

So, in present day, we are going back to Emmett. Twenty years have past since I've seen Emmett or any of my family. I was scared about going back to Emmett. I had heard that it had changed. What was once a valley filled with fruit orchards were now sub divisions and supermarkets. It had become a bedroom community for Boise, only 30 miles away.

We traveled across the desert and as we were about to descend down Freezout Hill, I asked Kent to turn left and take a small detour down the old Freezout Hill. It was very windy and in a short distance we got to the lookout. I was quiet as I looked out over the valley. The monument that once stood at the lookout had been removed for some reason. I was actually surprised that the old Freezeout Hill Road had been maintained and we could travel on it.

We went a short distance over to the right. Kent came over, and I became filled with emotion. I was fighting back tears. "This is where they threw me. This was it.", I told him. I couldn't talk anymore as we both looked down a steep slope off the lookout that ended in the canyon below. It was an old memory that I was now reliving, and it was vivid and still very raw.

In 1973 there were rumors around our school that I was "queer". I suffered a lot of harassment that year and the following year. This was one of the worst. After staying after school for practice in a play I was in, six boys ganged up on me after school. They said they were going to show me what happens to people like me. I was scared to death as these were the ring leaders that kept spurring others to continue the harassment at school day in and day out. It ranged from having my locker trashed, to having maneur placed in my locker, having someone mark "F A G" across the face of my locker in permanent marker, to being spit on. No one would have lunch with me. I was pretty much off-limits to anyone.

They drove up the old Freezeout Hill Road. We got to the summit where the lookout was. It started out with verbal harassment. I told them over and over that I wasn't gay. They kept going with it and finally, one of them threw the first punch. I went down, and all I could feel were the others kicking me while I was on the ground. I remember all the dust and how dirty it all was. I remember being put up on my feet and feeling sick to my stomach. Another blow came. I fell. My tooth was knocked loose and I could taste the very distinctive taste of blood in my mouth. I then threw up and start to cry. I said, "Please stop. I'll be different." I thought of my mother and how much I loved her. I thought of my family and wanted to be back with them.

I heard one of them say, "Well, I think we are done with him for now. I have to take a piss." I was thankful to be alive still. At least I thought I was alive. My mind told me, "You see. Everything is ok now. We made it through this one. I couldn't feel the rest of my body. It was strange. I looked at my hand, and I saw blood on it, and it was shaking uncontrolably. I thought, "that's really weird". It reminded me of how nervous I was before a recital. I would always shake. But this was different. It was stronger and I couldn't feel my hand or arm. I tried to get up off the ground and I couldn't. I hurt inside. I then felt warm liquid on me. I thought I might be in the shower getting ready for school. I started to think, "Did I finish that report that was due today for history?"

I looked up and I could see them still there, and the warm liquid I felt all over me was urine as they relieved themselves. It stung as it got in my eyes and I felt sick as they laughed about it. They finished, and one of them said, "Hey, let's throw him over". They grabbed me, pulled me up, and threw me over the side of the hill - the hill that today Kent and I were standing on. I rolled for a long time, forever it seemed. I came to rest against a shrub that prevented me from rolling further down the hill. I heard them get into their car and speed off. It was quiet. I passed out I believe. It was at night and the moon was out. The next thing I realized is that the sun was up. I climbed up the hill. I don't know how long it took. I would crawl for a few feet. I remember being sick and falling unconscious. I make it to the road and where I came up was where Kent and I were standing. I was thinking, "Bill, you've come full circle." It was a strange and terrifying experience. Many of the fears that were dormant for many years came back as though it was yesterday. And all I could say to Kent was, "This is where they threw me. This was it." I'm sure he probably didn't understand fully what I was talking about. There are a lot of those memories I haven't shared with him. I've purposely put them away in the past where they belong. Now, they were staring me in the face.

I didn't feel anger any longer. It was just overwhelming emotion. I wanted to leave this place. I felt sick inside. This place was sick. We left.

We continued on, driving back where we came from and continuing down the new Freezeout Hill. On the way down Freezeout Hill, I noted that what used to be a simple turnout was now a monument dedicated to the victims of 9/11. We stopped for a bit to read the dedication and was really touched by it. There was an American flag centered in this large star. Inside the star were bricks engraved with people's names. I'm not sure if they were the names of people who had died serving their country, or the names of those who had made a dedication to the monument. Perhaps both.

We drove through Emmett, and I was surprised at how much had changed. Gone was the charm of a small down. Those charms had been replaced by chain restaurants and different stores. Many of the familiar landmarks there during my childhood were gone. I was still amazed to find Roe Ann drive in that was always there during my childhood.

We continued out of town to where I used to live. The house is gone now. I hardly recognized it. We continued up towards this little park below the damn. It was a special place for me. When I was in high school. I would come to this remote park every Saturday afternnon, throw down my blanket on the lawn, and listen to Live from the Met. In the background, I could hear the faint roar of the water falling over the spillway, as I listened to opera. It took me away to my own place. I would say to myself, I want to go to New York City someday. It was a dumb dream. Everyone knew that no one from this town would want to venture out from Emmett, the home of the "Emmett Huskies", the "Valley of Plenty". For me, in my situation, it was a prison.

We walked over to this tree. I said outloud, "You've gotten bigger my friend. Do you remember me?", I said fondly. Kent said, "This has special meaning to you?" I said, "Oh yes. It was the tree that would shade me as I listened to opera all those years ago." I touched it and had fond memories of it, as I would an old friend. I didn't want to leave the park. It was about the only place that was mine, all mine. It was a tranquile place that offered me peace when I needed it most. We continued up the highway to see Black Canyon Dam. We stopped at one of the parks along the reservoir, but everything had changed so much.

Out next stop was the cemetary where my parents are buried. I realized while there that it was a beautiful cemetary. Every time I had been there was a time of pain. It's hard to see beauty when there is so much ugliness and pain around you. I felt no sorrow. Twenty years is a long time. We stayed a bit and entered town again.

For old time sake, I suggested that we eat at Roe Ann's. The food was as good as I remembered. They even had the phones that dropped down to each car that would drive in. You would get on the phone and call your order in. When I was a kid, it was the greatest. Since then, my taste buds have experienced the restaurants of San Francisco, and some fine restaurants in New York City. It was different now. I remembered the food vividly, but it was not so special now.

We finished, and continued down the road towards the highway. We passed Evans Realty on Washington Street on our way towards the highway. I realized after passing that this was the place that a high school friend worked. I stopped in, and went inside. I asked for him. They told me he was on the phone, but would be right out. It was then that I asked myself what I was doing there. I hadn't seen John for thirty years, and here I was just showing up at his place of work. He came out. I had my back to him. He said, "Hello, I'm John." I turned around, he paused for a moment and said, "Oh my God, It's Bill!" It was nice to see him again, but I quickly realized that I may have made a mistake. He was happy to see me and as he talked, it sounded like the John that I knew, even though his appearance was different. His hair was mostly gray now. We talked about all the stuff we did together as kids. The time we climbed to the top of the small butte. I thought about all that happened when we stayed on the top of that butte overnight, in our budding sexuality, things that it is understood as adults would never be talked about ever again. I loved him. When life became difficult for me at school and rumors were circulating about me being gay, all friendships distanced themselves from me. Eventually, we never talked again. I left Emmett, went to college, and set out in the world.

John said that he had married, and had two kids who are now adults and no longer at home. I knew he had married and had kids. When he asked if I had married, I started to think about how to tell him about my life and what came to mind was an old memory from high school. Someone said something to him in a joking manner about him liking me in school. John said, "I'm no queer!". With that memory, I said, "I have a partner." He looked at me a bit strangely. The topic was dropped and replaced with other meaningless diatribe. We said our goodbyes, and I left wondering if it was a good idea that we had stopped.

We left Emmett for the last time.

We are back from our trip to Idaho. For a vacation, it was rather exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I was able to meet up with some old friends from long ago and I visited my home town of Emmett, Idaho. I'll share more about my trip once I collect my thoughts on it.

It's funny in a way. It almost seems like I never left, as if it were a dream I had. I did write while I was away. I will post those entries but they will have a posting date of the day they were written, so if you wish to read them, you may have to read back a few entries. They will begin appearing between this entry and the vacation picture, as they are posted.

Another thing that was weird was being "off the grid" (no internet and no newspapers) for two weeks. I read a lot online and I keep up on the news. It was strange going off to a place and severing all ties with the outside world. I told Kent, "We could be at war with another country or have been attacked again for all we know."

At any rate, it's good to be home again. I had forgotten just how lush and green Connecticut is after being in a much drier climate for two weeks.

I have never done this before, but I was really taken by what this young man said in a comment on this site. I wanted to pull it out on the front and try to address it.

First off I may live in America but I do not call myself an American, and probably never will. I do not want to be a part of a name that subjects it's people to that of a lesser value. Now I am only 16 and my mind may change one day but I doubt that for it seems that this "great" nation will not ever change in my life time, being that it is set in it's ways of bigotry, this fight has been going on too long. I say that because homosexuality hits so close to home, any man, woman or child could be homosexual. Not anyone can be block you know they are going to be black, you do not know if your child will be gay.

I was born into this battle deemed a second-class citizen for being born this way, what a sad way to start life, forced to go through hate to find truth, born into a battle that I don't want to fight but when finding all the facts that deem me unequal just makes me mad, and makes me want to fight them all, but in my fight I would not want to use words or laws, I would want to use guns, and swords, bombs and any other means to eradicrate my oppressors. You may say I am angry, and I say yes I am angry, for I am born unequal. Even though the constitution says other wise I have to disagree, homosexuality is not a choice some may choice to lie but they are only following those around them. It is just disgusting what i have to be born into.

And the religion of the Christian Era (Christianity, Judiasm, And Islam) are the source of all the anti-gay sentiments. I have done much research and before the Christian Era homosexuality was widely accepted. - Theo

I've written a lot about what we face today and about people who want us to go away. I write about what a nasty world we live in. I do this from my point of view. These are my ideas and reflect where I am at in my life today, knowing what is in the past.

It's important to know the past. If we don't have something to compare the present too, we will never know if life is getting better.

I was very moved by what Theo said. He is only 16 years old and has such passion and cares so deeply about life and what his life is like now. Life today can be overwhelming. You know, for years, we always accepted that we had to live a lie just to survive. If you ever watch the move Far From Heaven, you will see a man who we learn is a homosexual. To say he was deeply closeted is an understatement. Everywhere in his life there was a shadow over him. And, it wasn't only him. This movie was about life in the 1950's. To someone who is only 16, that's more than a lifetime ago. But to me, it's not long. We have to realize that in my lifetime, we have come so far.

When I was born, you couldn't say that you were gay. It was deemed by the American Psychological Association that being homosexual was a mental illness. You don't want to even know what they did to people to try to cure them. The treatments ranged from castration, to electroshock therapy. And none of it was puplic. No one would ever admit that anyone in their family was homosexual. It was a terrible disease. That was life then.

Then, in 1969, the Stonewall Riots took place. It was a huge beginning for our community. We made a statement, and it was the beginning of our movement in modern times. But it was only the beginning. Years afterwards, we were still laughed at, beaten, degraded, and killed. And much of the time, law enforcement didn't do much if anything to stop this. In fact, many times, it was law enforcement who committed these crimes. Why? To keep us in our place. Everyone had a place in society. There was a saying that went like this: "A place for everything, and everything in it's place". That's how the world was then.

And, not much changed over the years. We made small advances. Eventually, in December of 1973, homosexuality was taken off the list of mental disorders by the American Psychological Association. When AIDS came along, we lost a lot of ground. We received no support from society and many just wanted to let us die. AIDS did a terrible thing to us, but every battle has a flip side. It made us stronger. So everytime Eddie Murphy would get on stage and tell a whole series of AIDS jokes, I would take it in. I would listen. Because it was important not to forget. It was important to remember for our friends who were dieing. It was hard not to hate and feel bitter. I used to think that I wished someone close to Murphy would get AIDS, so he would know how it felt. But I knew that was wrong. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

And just when you think that there were no decent people left, something remarkable happened. Bob Hope was doing a show and he told an AIDS joke. But it was different this time. He actually got booed. He finished his show, but was visibly shaken by it. Afterwards, he appologized for trying to get a laugh from something that was causing so much pain. Today, no one tells AIDS jokes. We have wrappers who are talking about "killling fags" and the like, but they also are taken to task for their homophobic lyrics. It's getting tougher and tougher to be a homophobe anymore.

Now, we have gay marriage, and that has started a whole new reason for people to hate us. This is the battle you were born into Theo, and I'm sorry for that. It's not fair. I wish I could make them stop hating us, but I can't. All I can do is to say that despite how bad you feel about your life now, things are so much better than they have been in the past. We are demanding acceptance and people are resisting. Society honestly doesn't know how to deal with people who actually want to be treated as equal, who have always been treated as much less than equal.

So, they do everything they can to see that we are kept down, and kept at a second class status. In the 1950's, the tools were fists, guns, and intimidation to accomplish this. Today, it's a threat of a constitutional amendment to the U.S. Constitution by our President, no less. At the state level, we have a dozen or so states that are trying to put it into their state constitutions that we are second class citizens. They are scared and they are desparate. And, they should be.

You may not like this country and feel very good about it right now, but I will tell you this. What is in place is more powerful than any weopon in the arsonal of those who want to make us less than equal. What is in place is the Constitution of the United States. It will not tolerate what they are trying to accomplish, and they damn well know it. So, they are scared. They realize that with one ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court that the all the amendments to the various state constitutions will be ruled unconstitutional. With one ruling, they will be nullified. This is in place and it is every bit as real as the bigotry they feel for us.

We have only two things to fear:

One: an amendment to the U.S. Constitution defining marriage as the union of one man – one woman. It is highly unlikely this will ever happen. It is extremely difficult to pass an amendment to the United States Constitution, and for good reason.

Two: appointments to the U.S. Supreme Court. If the President wins the November election, he will most likely be in a position to make 3-4 appointments over the following four years to the Supreme Court, as justices retire. This could change the political leanings of the court to a much more conservative stance. If this should happen, it could take many years before the court was willing to hear a challenge to any of the state constitutional amendments being put into place. Those are the only options available to them.

So I say to the gay and lesbian youth who are reading this, be strong, be brave, and be filled with hope. Instead of being filled with anger and resentment, make your anger work for you. Speak up and demand your place in society. Get involved and be informed about what your representatives in your local and state governments are up to. Let them know your concerns. Let them know what you expect from them. Don't be invisible! Being low-key and invisible will get you nothing.

Above all, always keep your integrity. That means the use of violence is never warranted. You can't fight evil by doing evil. Our opponents will say horrible things about us. They do this out of their own fear and ignorance. Don't give into it and do the same thing. Once you give in to hatred and fear, that is what you will become. We are better than that.

Time is on your side! I promise.

Fundamental human rights should never be up for popular vote. Our founding fathers recognized this reality and enshrined our basic freedoms in the United States Constitution. Missouri's own past highlights the enduring value of the federal Constitution: until overturned by various United States Supreme Court decisions, Missouri law prohibited interracial marriage, criminalized abortion, and supported segregated schools. (source)

It's no secret and no surprise to me that yesterday, the citizens of Missouri voted 75 percent to amend their state constitution to prohibit gay marriage, thereby writing discrimination right into their constitution.

The sad reality is that regardless of what happens at the national level, it will take years to reverse the changes made to state constitutions. The US Supreme Court may come down eventually and rule that it's unconstitutional for the different states not to honor the marriages of same sex couples from states that do honor those marriage, but will that override a state constitutional amendment?

It was different with sodomy laws. When the US Supreme Court made the ruling that sodomy laws were unconstitutional, they did so for the nation. But the laws used to persecute homosexuals with the enforcement of the sodomy laws, were just that, laws. They were not amendments to the state constitutions. The amendment will eventually, one would hope, be repealed. I don't hold out much hope for some place such as Missouri doing that in my lifetime. I do think it will eventually happen.

And here I told Kent a few days ago that I was going to try to be more positive in my blog. The reality is, we are going to see more of this happen before it is over. We should expect more conservative states to pass similar amendments to their state constitutions to prevent marriage for same sex couples. Our beloved President has succeeded in stirring up people around this nation that marriage itself must be defended from the likes of us, or it will surely suffer peril at our hands. He has great power. His primary interest was to distract voters away from his failed presidency. The state's actions of amending their constitutions is the collateral damage from the abuse of that power and the fear he has instilled in people.

This is a tough time for our community and those we love. We must remember that, despite all of this, we have allies and people outside our community who care about us and what happens to us. People are reacting to fear, and, in my experience, love will always win. People will see us for what we are, and they will see the love that our families hold. I still believe in people. I still believe in their compassion.

I read this in the Hartford Courant this morning. I wanted to reprint it here because it is so close to my feelings on amending the US Constitution. Has the US Constitution become fair game to any changes we see fit?

If Congress got away with this outrage, what would be next? Laws barring the courts from ruling on the death penalty, free speech or civil rights?

Gay marriage has been a hot political issue, but a reckless bill adopted recently in the U.S. House should embarrass members of both parties.

Under the innocent title of the Marriage Protection Act, the House voted 233 to 194 to strip all federal courts, including the Supreme Court, of jurisdiction over whether states are required by the Constitution to recognize gay marriages performed in other states.

The Constitution ordinarily requires states to honor laws passed in other states, but the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act said states may refuse to honor each other's gay marriages.

Regardless of what one thinks of same-sex marriage, everyone ought to be alarmed at such an unprecedented attempt by one government branch to handcuff another branch. Never before has Congress tried to bar the federal court system from interpreting the Constitution in a specific area.

Connecticut residents ought to be proud of their congressional delegation. Democrats Rosa DeLauro and John Larson and Republicans Nancy Johnson, Christopher Shays and Rob Simmons all voted against this bill, which fortunately is given little chance of adoption in the Senate.

Why did the House pass a measure that rides roughshod over the separation of powers principle? Some speculate that the majority Republicans wanted to position themselves as defenders of traditional marriage as the election approaches. It's an issue important to religious conservatives.

The bill's backers should reconsider their disdain for the Constitution. The role of Congress is to pass legislation; the role of the courts is to ensure every law's constitutionality.

Were the Marriage Protection Act to become law, the Supreme Court almost certainly would declare it unconstitutional.

If Congress got away with this outrage, what would be next? Laws barring the courts from ruling on the death penalty, free speech or civil rights? (source)

Pentagon figures show that under "stop loss" orders, about 10,000 military personnel, including reservists and National Guard troops, are being forced to extend their military service involuntarily by being redeployed in Iraq or Afghanistan for up to 15 months. The policy, according to Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., "amounts to a selective draft for those who have already fulfilled their service commitment."

In 2003, the Pentagon discharged 787 lesbian, gay and bisexual service members -- down from a high of 1,273 in 2001, but still high in a time of war, according to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.

There are two active draft bills sitting in Congress since 2003: S. 89 and H.R. 163.

Clearly, we summon soldiers to service, we prevent soldiers from leaving, we kick soldiers out because of their sexual orientation, and we lose soldiers to the tragedies of war. It is retention by force, not willing enlistment that is keeping our numbers where they are. (story)

I took these last night after I got home from work, probably the last photos I take before my trip to Idaho.

"Bell Flower" from front flower bed. If you see the flower from the side, it has the shape of a bell.

Small daisies in wild flower garden

I had a bunch of things in the news to write about. I ended up deleting all of them. Sometimes, at least for me, life gets just a little to depressing to deal with. I read what is going on in the world, what is going on with different people I know, and I realize just how challenging it is to be happy today. At least we are Americans and have each other, right?

Well, I guess not. This all started when I was driving home Friday night from work. I was listening to some radio station and the radio show host said, "You know you need more female friends when the guy in the Speedo selling the hot dogs starts looking hot."

It wasn't even funny. That's not the point. The more I thought about it, the more I recognized that it was just a back handed slam at our community; at gay people in general. He didn't say "gay people" or anything like that, but he implied it, and implied that there were something terribly wrong with finding someone of the same sex "hot". He got away with it and nothing will happen to him.

Some reading this will say, "Bill, get a thicker skin." OK. But would they be able to get away with making some back handed comment if it were about blacks, or Jews, or Asians, or Latinos?

We are still the scapegoats because we still have a lot of homophobia to deal with in this society. I say that to the radio host, as well as all the people hearing it that got a laugh out of it.

So, I ended up deleting what I was going to write about because they all dealt with crap like that. And, crap like the following, where our fellow citizens are about to say through their right to vote that we don't deserve to be equal. It sickens me.

We are going to Idaho for two weeks, starting next Saturday. I've made a decision to not blog at all during that time. I need to get away from all of this and all of the crap people say about us, and be with my partner for a time, away from all of this. Hopefully, we will be able to avoid negative attitudes towards us from family and friends on our visit. Hope is free, even if it doesn't lead to much at times.

The will of the people should be expressed in legislation. The purpose of the constitutional Bill of Rights is to protect people, especially minorities, from the will of the majority. This turns it on its head. - Matt LeMieux, executive director of the ACLU-Eastern Missouri

Voters in Missouri will become the first in the nation tomorrow to decide on a gay marriage ban since the Supreme Judicial Court ruling in Massachusetts, and polls indicated the amendment to the state's constitution is expected to pass even though opponents have raised more campaign money.

After the SJC decision last fall, Missouri legislators concluded that the state's Defense of Marriage law was vulnerable to court challenges and that only a constitutional amendment could preserve the traditional definition of marriage. They approved a referendum on adding 20 words to the constitution: ''That to be valid and recognized in this state, a marriage shall exist only between a man and a woman."

Louisiana votes on a similar amendment Sept. 18, as will at least eight other states on Election Day, Nov. 2. [...]

Four states -- Alaska, Hawaii, Nebraska, and Nevada -- had amended their constitutions to ban gay marriage before the SJC ruling. (source)