Thoughts of Mortality

A week or so ago, I did a search on the Internet for a lawyer. I didn't pick just any lawyer, because our needs are not ordinary. I found one and called her. As with any lawyer I suppose, I got her answering machine, and left a message. Three days later, I got a call back.

I explained to her that we are a gay couple, and I wanted to know how to protect what he have together. Unlike heterosexual couples that have the protection of marriage that deal with many of these things, we have to try to secure what we can through legal documents and just hope that they are honored. In other words, we try to rig the system into honoring a relationship that legally doesn't exist. To the law, after thirty years of being together, Kent and I are “legal strangers”.

After we talked with her, we realized that we made a very wise decision in choosing her over a lawyer that does not specialize in all the “gotchas” of law, where gay relationships are concerned.

But it was depressing. We both now have to decide a lot of issues. When she is done, we will have a will, power of attorney, and many other documents. She strongly suggested that we carry some of the documents with us when we travel, in case we are in an accident. I asked her why we would have to do that. None of my friends and acquaintances do, to my knowledge. With each question I asked, she painted a scenario for me, based on what has happened with other gay couples that she had represented. In the case of an accident where say, Kent, is hospitalized, I would have to present the document to the hospital and hope that they would give me visitation rights to see Kent. They wouldn't have to as there is no legal reason for them to do so, other than this document drafted by a lawyer stating that is our wish. She told us that if we were to have the accident in Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, New York, or Vermont, we would probably be ok. Other than that, she said, it all depends on what the hospital wants to do. In a conservative state, we would probably have a problem.

So, where does that leave us?

After that meeting, I became depressed. I thought that the depression was due to the fact that the answers our lawyer needs are dealing with our life and death decisions. In that regard, we are no different than anyone else. But there's more to it than that. I was never so naive to think that with legal documents we would be fully protected. What really became clear to me is just how messed up this country is for gay people. We tell ourselves that we are a free country. We tell ourselves that we all have equal opportunity and equal freedom.

It's all crap.

We aren't free. We aren't equal. I don't even feel like I can be openly affectionate towards Kent in public. I have a great fear of that. I know at the very least we will be called faggots. It's happened before when we've tried to be open. At most, one or both of us will be physically assaulted. Is that freedom? Is that equality? In North Hampton, Massachusetts, where we were yesterday, I don't even feel like we can be open, and it is in a very liberal environment. When we take vacations, we have to look for a place that is gay friendly to every extent possible. Why? Very simple. So that we, for a little while at least, can go to a place where maybe, just maybe, we can actually be who we are and not be afraid, just for a little while. So, last night at dinner, I pondered this to Kent and said, “Maybe if we come back again in another life, it will be better.”

There are those among us who want to make us legally less than equal, and that seems to be ok with my fellow Americans. Why is that ok? Why am I so bad that a state amendment would be put in place to protect certain legal and civil institutions such as marriage from someone like me? Are you listening Ohio? You, and many other states will make this decision on November 2nd to decide what rights I will get and what rights I will be denied. And I can't do a damn thing about it. It is predicted that most of the state amendments making gay marriage illegal will pass with ease. So, what does this say about America? What does it say about the people around me – my fellow Americans?

I've lost my hope for America. I've lost my pride in America. And, I've lost my faith in the American People being fair. We talk about the Constitution of the United States. We hold it up high and say with pride, “This is what we are about. This is what America is about.” Yeah right. It's what America is about, until we want to change it. If the principle of freedom and equal rights is sound, that can't be changed because some don't like others within our society. This is what will happen on November 2nd. And most Americans who aren't gay, won't give a damn about that, as long as it doesn't effect them.

Kent and I talked about leaving America. I never thought that would happen. I would have given my life for this country. Somewhere along the way, America changed and turned into a country of bitterness and sub-communities who don't seem to care much for each other.

We have talked that if George W. Bush gains re-election, he will most likely be able to appoint more conservative judges to the U.S. Supreme Court. We will see more of the same and perhaps with four more years with him as President, the Constitutional Amendment against gay marriage will gain momentum. Anything can happen. We have already gone down a path that prior to 9/11 I would not have imagined. Is what happened on 9/11 connected to the marginalization of certain groups of people in this country?

On another issue that came up in our discussion with our lawyer, was the issue of what should be done with us after we are gone. What about our home, our possessions, and even our bodies? We have both chosen to be cremated, and have talked about buying a plot in a small local cemetery not far from our home. It's a nice peaceful cemetery on a small hill. In the cemetery are some very old graves dating back one hundred and fifty years. But we starting thinking about something that shouldn't even be a consideration. Our tomb stone will have our names on it. It will undoubtedly look like we were a gay couple together for life. I imagine that our grave will be the target of vandalism and destruction. Even though I most likely wouldn't know about it, it's like the final insult to our love together. So, we have started to even rethink that. I guess at this point, we are just thinking of having our ashes scattered some place, without a trace that we ever existed.

Maybe that's not all bad. Why stay in a place that's so dark?