My Current Existence

Today was a tough day for me. Today marks the fifth anniversary of the death of our beloved Brennan (pictured left), a trusted friend of mine.

It’s funny how the mind works. It’s as if it sets up a protection around you to help you cope with things in life. I had forgotten today was the anniversary of Brennan's passing. We went to breakfast this morning. I felt lousy because I stayed up too late the night before. I felt better after breakfast.

We came home, relaxed for a bit, and went out to blow the leaves off our lawn. It took several hours because we have a big lawn. After a couple of hours, I turned off my blower and we decided to take a break. We went inside. I poured two tall glasses of lemonade and we sat out on the front porch in the warm afternoon sun as we drank them.

I mentioned to Kent that I had passed the stump that had leaves piled all over it. He didn't know what stump I was talking about. I pointed it out to him and told him that it made me think of Brennan because he sat on it once during his last summer with us. Kent then told me that today was the fifth anniversary of his passing.

I said, “I had forgotten that.” I don’t know how, but I had. After a minute, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I broke down and cried. I said to myself, “How did we get to this dark place?” I was thinking about my world and how it has fallen apart in the last week. I wonder about our future. I am scared. I am scared.

After the election, we talked about migrating to Canada. We would have to sell our home which would be a big undertaking. The home we love. Our retirement would probably be expended in relocating to Canada and finding work. We are not young men anymore. I don’t think it’s an option for us now.

I’m wondering why my country hates us so much. I’m trying to make sense of it. I pay my taxes. I abide by the law. I do what is asked of me. I try to be a good citizen. In the last week, it seems that my existence has crumbled around me. I find myself crying spontaneously, out of fear, I think. Fear for my country perhaps. I still love it, even though in the near future it’s likely that my kind will be featured very prominently in the headlines, as President Bush has said that he intends to go forward with a ban on gay marriage and to make marriage between one man and one woman.

I don’t want to be in the news anymore. I think I’m ready to give up on marriage. Sometimes, I think that I’m ready to give up on life itself. I’m not suppose to say that, am I? When you say things like that, they come and put you into little padded rooms so that you have to stick around and endure more of what’s to come, while you are on Thorazine. Somewhere between Thorazine and here, is there happiness and security?

Should I care about marriage anymore? If straight religious people have such are hard on about marriage, should I step out of the way and let them have it? Should it still be okay for them to view it as a “sacred institution” all the while telling their children that gay people are child molesters? Haven’t we evolved further than this? Is this all there is?

At the end of the day, are we left with a tyrant in the White House who wouldn’t know compassion if it fucked him?

So, this day has been a difficult day for me. I miss my Brennan and I miss what the world was like just five short years ago. We still didn’t have equality, but we also didn’t have the hope of having that equality. Hope is supposed to be a good thing. It’s not. It only highlights what you don’t have and perhaps will never have.

Brennan, I love you and you are still with me. And sometimes, I do wish that I am with you now as well. We’ll meet someday again. I know we will.

I love you.

I’m going to bed now. Will I see you in my dreams tonight?