Christmas Day, 2004
We had a nice Christmas. Something happened this year that was especially nice and sweet for me.
The relationship that we have had with Kent’s parents hasn’t always been good. It has been very stressed at times. But in recent years, things have improved. So we try to see them at least once a year. His parents are both retired now and go to Yuma, Arizona during the winter months. I do have to agree, the 70 degree weather is a nice change from that of Connecticut right now.
Kent, myself, and Kent’s parents were on our way out yesterday for a walk. They live in a small retirement community and know many people there. We ran into one of their neighbors. They introduced Kent as their son. They then introduced me as “one of their other sons”. I was taken aback by that. And on our walk, I was fighting back tears a few times. I got quiet at times when I would think about it.
When we come out to our parents and to close friends, it also takes some time for them to adjust as well. If you think about it, we spent our whole lives dealing with and coming to terms with being gay. When we come out to them, they are dealing with it for the first time, if they hadn’t previously suspected it.
I had hoped that they would over time accept me, but I didn’t really think we were there. It was only a couple of years ago that I was excluded from a ceremony where Kent’s dad received an award. I made my feelings known about not being invited, since I considered myself part of the family. I guess it had some effect. Over time, we have grown closer.
So, when his mother referred to me as their “other son”, I was blown away. I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes, we get so used to fighting for acceptance, that when it finally comes, it’s hard to accept. At least, it was tough for me.
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I guess it's hard to say how it was meant. I've been thinking about it. I **think** it was sincere, but I'll never really know I suppose. It sounded sincere and I want to think it was sincere.
Beyond all of that though, you can never control forces beyond yourself. People will think what they will think. At the age of 50, I'm starting to realize that I'm more important than what people think of me. And I guess I will always wonder if they are just being nice to me so they can see Kent in peace.
I honestly wouldn't stand in their way of that. I'm tired of fighting. They will think what they think.
First of all: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! :) :) Why do family breakthroughs are rough and hard to come by???
I know in some families the 'in law' part gets dropped over time as relationships build.
My Mother considers my sister-in-law her 'daughter' - the daughter she never had, since she only had two sons.
The 'other son' could be taken several ways and, like most things, it depends the individual and where they're coming from.
I'm afraid I agree with Dan...
P.S.--Read Mark's report of his family's Christmas at http://www.zeitzeuge.org for a similar and quite beautiful story of a young woman who crossed some family lines to make the same kind of brave new connection.
What a great gift, Bill. And how good it is that they were able to make the breakthrough after all these years.
Bill,
Only you know! Sorry for bringing my baggage here. I wish you the best!
Dan
What a nice Christmas present. I feel sure she was sincere. That is wonderful.
Baby steps Dan.. I think its great.
I have always been lucky. My "mother-in-law" always talks to her friends and co-workers about her "son-in-law" (me). Which always gets weird looks because they already know she only has sons.
Happy New Year.
Dan,
I will never be angry at anything you post. This board is about exchanging ideas. I love other points of view.
I have been through a great amount of pain and disillusionment with Kent's Family. There were many times that we weren't sure if it was even worth the effort to stay in touch. It got that bad at times.
But, we've all been through so much. We almost lost Kent's Dad last Christmas from the flu. I took care of them, drove them to the hospital, etc. I think that was a big turning point for them. I didn't do it to change their minds. It turned out that I could arrange with my work to do it, and it's my nature to help out. After that, they started writing to me more and more. I wrote back, and we've kept in close touch.
Kent's parents are simple people. I honestly don't think it would occur to them to think about calling me their other son to keep from saying, "this is Kent's homosexual lover", or something along those lines.
By saying that, they could have opened themselves up to all kinds of pointed questions from their neighbor, such as, "I thought you only had two sons." If that would have happened, knowing them as I do, they would have told him, "Bill is with Kent...". I know it was genuine. When Kent and I talked about it, he agreed with that.
Some people, maybe you, will be angry at me for pointing this out, but isn't "our other son" translates to "we don't really want to tell you who he really is" ?
Dan