In route to San Diego

We are in route to San Diego now and just left Philadelphia. It took forever to get off the ground it seemed. It was a bumpy ride leaving Hartford. This part of the trip seems smoother. It’s just as cold in Philadelphia as it is in Hartford it seems. When we left, it was in the teens with a wind that made the air sting against the skin.

As Kent will attest to, I don’t travel well. I get too excited about all the stuff that could happen, but once I get into the air (and get a few drinks into me - gin and tonic seem to be the drink for today), I do just fine.

Random thoughts....

I read in the Hartford Courant this morning that one of the giants of opera died yesterday. Renata Tebaldi is dead at the age of 83. When I read that, my heart sank a bit. I remember fondly the afternoons I spent listening to her at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City on the Saturday program Live from the Met. In Emmett, Idaho, where I grew up, there wasn’t much more for a gay boy to do on Saturday afternoons other than listen to the opera. My friends were out shooting helpless animals in the name of sport; I still to this day do not understand that concept. It all seemed very barbaric to me. It seemed a bit more civilized to sit under my tree at the park just below the Emmett dam, listening to the sound of water in the background falling over the spillway, as I listened to my favorite opera stars sing their hearts out at The Met. Instead of actually killing innocent animals in the name of “sport”, I was doing the more civilized thing; listening to how others were scheming to murder others in the name of love and jealousy, or, in some cases, outright murder.

It was very real to me of course. I would listen to them scheme and I would be there with them. It would take me away from my miserable existence as a child and into the magical world of opera. Renata Tebaldi was one of the reigning diva’s at The Met. And let me tell you, her voice was something to reckon with. It could be, as Toscanini described it, the “voice of an angle”. It could also be a huge and intimidating presence. Her sense of phrasing was always meticulous. I loved her in Mephistopheles the most I think.

Other Random thoughts....

Jacqueline du Pre. Now there’s an intimidating presence. I’m listing to her perform the Dvorák Cello Concerto. Jacqueline died on October 18, 1987 of multiple sclerosis.

She is known for her passionate and powerful performances of the Elgar Cello Concerto and the Dvorák. I admit, it’s difficult to listen to this performance. It has actually brought me to tears a few times. Part of that is the material itself, which at times simply weeps in despair. The performance was recorded after Jacqueline was diagnosed and it is said that she was having some difficulties with her playing. What came through was no lack of technical ability. What came through was rage at times with unbelievable strength and power. She never once said in her performance of this concerto on this recording, despite what she was going through at the time, “I accept my fate. I accept what is about to happen to me.” That is why this is probably the most profound performance of this concerto I’ve ever heard. It is exactly what the concerto is speaking too. She understood it perfectly. I usually say about an artist or a performance, “I wish I could have been there to see her perform it”, but in this case, it would have simply been too damn painful to watch.

The very odd thing about Jacqueline du Pre is that, although she was an absolute master at the cello, she hated it. She didn’t enjoy performing, and she didn’t enjoy being in the lime light of a super star status. But, what it gave to her later in life when she needed it most, was an avenue and a way to let the world know what she was going through. Was it musical? I don’t know. I do know that it is one thing that musicianship absolutely demands; honesty and spontaneity. If you are feeling anguish inside over the death you are about to achieve and you aren’t afraid to address it, du Pre’ found the vehicle to address this in the Dvorák Cello Concerto.

Other random thoughts...

I have lived 2/3 of my life. That’s a pretty sobering thought. Still, I do not fret about it. I have experienced so much; good and bad. I have experienced life. If I’m lucky, I may live for another 20-30 years. That would be awesome. According to some people (link to previous entry), I am living on borrowed time, being a gay man and all. But whatever lies in store for me, I’m ready for it. I think of Matthew Sheppard who was killed at such a young age. I think of all that he could have become had he not been savagely murdered for having the courage to simply be himself.

I think of what a gift being gay is. Most reading this will think that I’ve lost my mind by saying that. What do I mean exactly by saying that? First, being gay has given me incredible sensitivity to my world around me. Is that a gay feature? I don’t know. I do know that my straight male counterparts do not have this in any way. Second, I see the greatness and the shallowness of people. I see people rise to the occasion in times of distress. And, I also see the disappointment of seeing some not living up to their potential. It’s scary to be courageous and to stand up for what you believe. It is. But look at it this way. The worst that could happen to you is that you are killed. You are here maybe 60-70 years. It’s not significant. And in terms of the time table of the universe, when the Earth has lived it’s life and is no longer here, it would only have existed for a mere second. And our lives are a mere millionth of a second of that. Second, being gay has caused me a lot of heartache. Yes, this too is a gift. You may not believe it, but most of the growth you will make in your lifetime as a person will come from the bad things that happen to you in life. They challenge you to endure through the pain they cause you. I never looked at them that way when I was going through all the things that life threw at me. But I tell you from experience, that in time, they will give you strength and control over your life.

I think of all the young people who are giving up their lives for our country in Iraq. I honor their bravery and their sacrifice. The fact that they gave up their lives at the hands of a fool does not lessen their sacrifice or their commitment to freedom. I honor that. And I am saddened for the loss their families will feel during this holiday period.

Other Random thoughts...

I wish that people knew us. I mean, as a community. For the longest time, I thought that gay people were understood by society. We’ve been in the news more and on TV more, in a positive light. But if there’s one thing that the marriage issue has shown me, it’s how little we are understood. I don’t know the answer to this. The Human Rights Campaign Fund seems to believe that we should pull back a bit, and give people time to get to know us. My short answer is, BULLSHIT! My long and more drawn out answer is, BULLSHIT! I know, they sound like the same argument, but you say the long argument a bit slower. It’s a more convincing argument I think than the short answer.

The point is, I’m turning 50 in a few days. I don’t have time for straight society to someday decide that they suddenly want to get to know me, or my community. We have given society so much. They openly know this. Yet, when it comes to acknowledging us as equals in society, they won’t do it. And I’m sick to death of this sanctity of marriage crap. There is no sanctity of marriage any longer. That was destroyed long ago. At the point the state and Federal Government began affording rights and privileges to marriage, at that point it became a government program. I honestly wish that they had kept their hands off of it. Then, this would not be an issue. Kent and I could get a blessing if we wanted too. We would not get marriage, but we could call our blessing a marriage at an affirming church. We would not get the rights of marriage, but then neither would anyone else so.... we would all be EQUALS.

I think it’s odd that the President of the United States and the Vice President of the United States have both said that marriage should be honored at the state level and it’s something the states should decide. Fine, but then the Federal Government should strip marriage of all the federal benefits it receives. Also, in just the last few days, a story came out that some major companies are refusing to grant domestic partner benefits to their employees because their health care benefits are based on what a marriage is, according to the federal Defense of Marriage Act, which specifically states that gay couples can not constitute a marriage. So much for our benefits. If the state did allow gay marriage where those companies were located, it wouldn’t matter because the Federal Government does not accommodate gay relationships.

It’s been a long day. We’ve been in the air for seven hours now, and we have another 1 1/2 hours to go before we set down in San Diego. I’m ready for bed. I’m going to try to sleep a bit on the rest of this flight. We are flying first class on this trip and it rocks. The seats are wide, all the free drinks you want, and good food (I’m easily amused). But, on a serious note, if you want to get a few winks, first class is so much nicer because the seats really do recline. Now if I just had my cats.....

Good night.