Politics VS Friendship
The day after the Presidential Election, November 3, 2004, a good friend came to me at work to just talk. Of course, by that time I knew that George W. Bush would be our President for four more years. I was very depressed about that, along with a lot of other people.
It wasn’t long before the subject of the election came up. I said, “Please tell me that you didn’t vote for Bush!” He stood up, and yelled at me, “Yes I did! For the good of the country! It was for the good of the country!” He then got up, and stormed out. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned.
I suppose I shouldn’t have come out and even asked how he voted. But I did. It used to be that who you vote for was a very personal and private thing. But everyone talks about it today. So, I didn’t really think twice about asking him.
We didn’t talk for days. I was angry. I felt that my friendship with him was a lie. How dare he vote for someone like that? Days later as I was leaving work, we ran into each other on my way out. He said to me, “Bill... you still mad at me?”, with a big smile on his face. I threw up my arms as if to say, “What do you think?”, and kept walking.
That was the week before Thanksgiving. I took Thanksgiving week off, so I saw no one from work. This morning, he came into the room where I work, and said “Hi Bill.” I said, “Hello Tim” (not his real name). Nothing more was said and I found that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I want nothing to do with him anymore.
People who know me know that I place a very high value on friendship. So why then is this different? If I were to actually talk to Tim about this, what would I say to him?
I would start of with a few questions. I would say, “Tim, have I ever insulted your family? Haven’t I always shown nothing but respect and concern for what you and your family face every day?” He would have to agree with that. I’m always asking how his wife is doing, how their children are doing, among other things. It’s important to me because I want to see my friends happy and living a good life.
After he agreed with that, I would then ask him, “Why then do you feel so little about my family that you would vote to put a man in the White House who has my relationship on his own personal little hit list? Why would you vote for someone who wants to permanently make it illegal for Kent and myself to ever achieve a marriage status? How is that for the ‘good of the country’?”
I realize there are other issues involved in this country and when you vote for a President, you must take all of those issues into account. And I did, when I cast my vote for Kerry. I don’t believe that the war in Iraq is in the best interest of this country. And I honestly don’t believe that we are there to “free the Iraqi people”. This war is about money and oil.
My dilemma is this: Can I be friends with anyone who believes that, after thirty years of devotion to each other, Kent and I should not be able to achieve civil marriage?
I’m having a hard time with this. I know I have friends who have voted for Bush. I know who they are. I try to be above it and continue the friendship. But it’s difficult because in my mind, it all comes down to human dignity and respect. By voting for Bush, I feel that they have lost my respect, and what’s more, perhaps they never respected us as equals to begin with.
What’s left after that?
Follow-up entry
May 15, 2007 - Reconciliation
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On December 1, 2004, I had a bad fight with a friend at work. We didn’t talk with each other for a few months. After that, he asked, “Are we alright?” I told him, “Yeah, we are alright.” That was... Read More
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I too have been placed in the very same situation. I have a good friend of mine who I consider a brother, but he voted for Bush. I guess he did it "for the good of the country" too. However I don't think he sees the ramifications of his vote and how it affects me and my partner. I'm saddened that he did vote for
Bush, and there are days when I have a hard time looking at him.
I think this discussion is the most moving and the most important I have ever seen on this forum. Bill's sense of loss and betrayal becomes tangible as he writes of it; the comments of those who are offering heartfelt perspective help focus on the deep and destructive harm done to us as a people by homophobes and those who trade on their hatred to advance their political goals.
I honestly don't know what to say. Here in Boston I am insulated personally from Bush supporters. Anywhere I turn--friends, colleagues and family--I find only revulsion for Bush, his kind, all that they stand for and the damage they are doing to my country and its citizens. But I know it's out there, just beyond a fragile protective layer of people who can actually see and comprehend the enormity of what's going on and I can tell you I have never felt so hated and violated in my life. In my own country.
Let me just say this in agreement with and support for DJ's point: public opinion polls in Vermont and Masachusetts show that huge numbers of people who had opposed civil unions and gay marriage have radically changed their minds since living with the reality of them for a while and seeing that there are none of the evils in them that they had been told about. They started thinking on their own--finally!--simply because they knew gay couples, lived in communities with them, saw that the world didn't end, saw the genuine love and seriousness of committment in their united or married gay and lesbian neighbors. This happened only because contact wasn't broken off, talking continued. They were won over.
Bill, I understand deeply your high emotion on this issue, but you and all of us can be agents of change simply by living our lives and showing people the truth. Yes, it will take a lot of time and it may seem too hopeless a goal right now, but we cannot give up. Continued discourse is the only way now that our leaders have failed us--and everyone--so miserably. Hugs to you guys from Fritz and me.
If you know a person voted for Bush, you can tell them you wrote in David Duke. If they say anything or look at you funny you can then tell them that David Duke is against the war and is pro-environment.
Dan
I understand your situation. I also have a couple of frineds who voted for W. I once said in my blog, that anyone who voted for Bush, is no friend of mine.
Will I still talk to them, yes, but anyone who supports someone who is so against my happiness and right for equal treatment will never be a close friend again.
Yes there were more issues in the campaign than gay marriage, but that issue involves not only me and my partner, but the underlying theme that built the "Land of the Free".
You are right. I think I do owe it to myself to explore exactly why he voted the way he did. I don't think he is homophobic, at least, no more than anyone else in the general public. He knows all about Kent and me, and seems fine with it.
You may be right about why he voted the way he did. He has told me on numerous times about his military service and also how many gays there are in the military and how he had no problem working with them. So, I don't think he is homophobic at all.
Friendship does mean a lot to me. It is very very difficult for me to throw away a friendship. I am very loyal to my friends. And if I just walked away from this friendship without giving him a chance to talk about it, I would always think that I just gave up on him and tossed it away. I am certainly a better friend than that.
I see two very different issues here - your friendship with a specific person and what that means to you both; and the other, what a VOTE means . Friends can disagree about a lot of things and still be friends - but they must share VALUES. This can still mean each votes differently. But form your post, I couldn't tell IF your friend (ex-friend?) doesn't respect you, your relationship, your family - he just blurted out his vote was FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY. If indeed you were good friends before you learned of his vote (and I'll admit i find it odd you were good friends but didnt know his voting preference, but I guess i talk about politics CONSTANTLY with my friends...) - I don't think you can toss away the friendshp without establishing WHY he voted his way, and to ask all those questions you brought up. You havent told us why you think he doesnt repect your relationship, or if he is against same-sex marriage - and if so, what his reasons are. You seem to assume that a vote for BUSH is a vote specifically against same-sex marriage (and any gay repulbican can tell you Kerry is against it, as well - but we all know there is still a differnece between those two guys on this issue). His words IMPLIED (to me) that he's more worried about national security - somehow rallying around the prez in time of war is the right thing to do. But of course, he didnt actually say any of that, either. I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that you OWE IT TO YOURSELF to discuss these issues with him, AND LISTEN, before discarding what you called a "good friend" - this is about YOUR INTEGRITY, and being a good friend, as well, by at least giving him a chance to explain. I just think that people may share the same values, but come to differnet conclusions about how to get there - for example, voting for different candidates. You might also find out what you fear - that he is indeed homophobic, or disagees specifically with you on same-sex marriage and other issues that are vital to your concerns - but don't you owe it to yourself to be sure?
I'm sure you are right about some of the "red" people being decent people. But see, I DO care about their issues. I do care about the education of THEIR children. I have voted time and time again for a tax increase (that I would have to pay for) when it will benefit our local schools. Why? Because I feel that education is important for the future of THEIR children.
So I feel in a very real sense that I'm being a sucker here. I've put my support behind them, and at the end of the day when Congress starts talking once again about a constitutional amendment banning marriage for same-sex couples, do I think they will come to my support, get off their collective asses and call their representatives in Washington to tell them that equal rights and liberties apply to ALL Americans?
No, I honestly don't think they will care if the amendment passes Congress and goes to the states for ratification.
And I don't even want to start to tell you how I feel about the 23% of gay Americans who voted for President Bush.
I try (emphasize try) to see it from their point of view. As a gay man I'm sensitive to issues and concerns that may not strike the average person (or even register at all with them).
That's not to say I like the way they voted - but I can't like everything about everyone I know and I'm sure there are some honest and good people on the red side.
And you know Bill, the sad thing about these people is that even if you asked them they'd go on and on about the "War" and national security. You'd never know what they really thought about us even if they professed sympathy for our situation.
I don't dare ask anyone how they voted because I know that will lead to never speaking to those people again. I know myself. I could not forgive such a terrible lack of judgement and good sense. I certainly could not forgive them for putting me, their friend, far down on their list of things worthy to fight for - especially when I'm behind corporate welfare, oil, and greed disguised as "patriotism" in their list of priorities.
I thought about this more since I posted the entry.
I keep thinking that gay marriage was not the only issue on the plate. We have the war, the state of our economy, the deficit, feeding the hungry, the environment, AIDS, and others. I guess I shouldn't feel so singled out because the President wants to place an amendment into the U.S. Constitution that will prevent couples like us from ever, EVER, having the ability to achieve marriage.
The President's record on the environment is horrible. He has done as little as possible for AIDS research, and we all know how the war in Iraq is going. Then, of course, there is the issue of how the rest of the world views us (although, we don't seem to care about that anymore). On his recent trip to Canada, I thought it was very telling when the President said, "I appreciate the welcome I've received in your county - especially those who are waiving at me with all five fingers," as opposed to the Canadians who were flipping him off and giving him "the finger".
So, it would be easy to say that I am only focusing on my own little piece of the pie and letting all the other important issues that were effected by this election be overshadowed by my selfishness.
But is the issue of a constitutional amendment that small of a deal? We are talking about, for the first time in history, making a second-class tier of citizenship. We are talking about the creation of a class of citizens who will, by virtue of what they are, be permanently denied the full rights of citizenship and denied the dignity of being able to be part of something that is very central to our society; marriage. Like it or not, that is what my friend and others have endorsed.
My own selfish concerns aside, I would think that would (or should) get everyone's attention, loud and clear.
Like many, I am struggling with the same issue. I haven't stopped talking or caring with the folks I thought I knew, but everything has changed. This election and president has separated folks on the lines of reason and fear. Those who use their reptilian brain and those who believe in evolution and use their human brain.
I am not ashamed to make a parallel with the 1960s civil rights movement. The bigots in the 60s knew what the issue was; they could feel it in their heart. Yet, folks like your coworker were sure that school segregation and Non-mixed-race marriage laws were for the good of the country. His frustration belies the fact that he knows what he did. The bigots who fell to Bush's "charm" this past election are now a statistic of history. Like the Church arsonists in the south and the Nazis.
The election has allowed folks to show their pale bellies. It is shocking. And no, I don't believe that we can truly change those folks. There may be a few who can be educated, but we will have better luck with the younger generation.
Still, there is no reason to turn a cold shoulder. Remember to hate the bigotry, not the bigot.
I know what you are saying. I have tried my whole life to try to let people understand me and what I am like. I am myself around people - around my friends. And if they can do this, and still consider themselves my friends, I don't think that they understand me or what they are doing to people like me. Perhaps, they don't care too. Maybe I assume too much. Maybe I expect too much from people who say they are my friends. I don't know.
I just know that I feel betrayed by them on a very personal level. If they don't understand or care enough now, I don't think they ever will.
I completely understand what you're saying. I too found it difficult to understand how people could have voted against me and my family. I took it very personally. But in the end, if I stop talking to those people (who are my friends) then the dialogue stops. With a law going into effect tomorrow in my home state writing discrimination against my family into the state constitution, there has never been more need for education and enlightenment. How will I do that if I don't speak to those who don't agree with me?
Just my two cent perspective.