Taking Stock in what you have
I’ve been thinking about my entry yesterday, Trying to think about positive things..., where I said, “So, I’m sad. What was turning out to be a good day has turned to crap. I can deal with discrimination when it’s a bit more abstract and not so close to home. But this is tough. I don’t know what to do about this.”
If I remove myself from the immediate disappointment of all of this and step back from it a little, there is a lot of irony in all of this.
Years ago, when we lived in San Francisco, gay people did pretty much what they wanted to do. It was a well known fact that most of society despised us (I guess that hasn’t changed much), and we had little use for them either. Sure, there were demonstrations and marches, but they were for basic civil rights in hiring and housing. This was during the time that California was trying to pass Proposition 6, which would have made it illegal for gay teachers to teach children (sounds a lot like the Florida law prohibiting gays from adoption). Luckily, Proposition 6 was defeated.
Then AIDS came along and gays were further ostracized. We got virtually no support, but we still took care of our own. In other words, everything was separate to every extent possible. There were still police raids of bars occasionally. There was gay bashing left and right that we didn’t even report because the police wouldn’t do anything about it anyway. Hell, the police even had a word for the murder of a gay person. They called it “homo-cide”. Yes, I’m totally serious.
The irony is, now, gay people generally do want to be a part of the fabric of society. Before, we didn’t want anything to do with society and at the time, there were many who were saying that if we would only embrace the norms of society, we could be accepted. Well we are trying to embrace what society offers and now, it is society that is telling us to shut up and go back into the closet.
I see more and more gay couples trying to embrace marriage. Of course we want the benefits that it offers. The benefits have been offered to marriage over time to strengthen relationships. Why wouldn’t we want that? But we want more. We want some recognition that our relationships actually matter to society, that they mean something. We are coming out more to our families and friends and generally speaking (I think), we are getting more acceptance than rejection. Kent and I at some point along the line subconsciously stopped thinking of ourselves as a “gay couple” and started thinking of ourselves as a family. I think that happened around the time we bought a home together. We see no difference from ourselves and our neighbors. There are some in our neighborhood who do not approve of us, but in the last few years, there have been no acts of disapproval. Our mailbox hasn’t been destroyed in several years now. I suppose that means that they are now in a “live and let live” mentality, or the culprit who was smashing our mailbox went off to college.
This brings me to my company and the benefits they offer that we are not entitled to. I know that if my company wanted to offer benefits to domestic partners, they would make that happen. I know they don’t want that. Some of it is homophobia. I know that. But most of it is a concern to keep costs down. Of course, at the end of the day, we are still a minority who can be walked on, and no one will really give a damn. In our state, it is illegal to discriminate against race. It is also illegal to discriminate based on sexual preference in hiring, housing, etc. Do you think my company would get away with saying, “This benefit is not available to African-American employees”? Not a chance. But they can do it to us.
There’s nothing I can do about this. But, as Kent said, we are doing fine. I’m going to let the issue go and accept my defeat, because I don’t want to let it ruin every other thing in my life. Just because we can’t get married, doesn’t mean we can’t have happiness within our relationship. Just because we don’t get this benefit, doesn’t mean that all the other benefits I can and do have are gone. It means it will cost us a lot more to have that benefit, and that’s wrong, BUT, it doesn’t have to ruin everything and it shouldn’t color my outlook on life!
I look at other people and think of what they have lost. I think of the families who have lost their boys in Bush’s war in Iraq. I think of all those killed in the tsunami. There are so many horrible things happening in the world, and some pretty scary things happening in our own country as well. When I compare that to my life, I have it made. I’m not rich, but comfortable. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the few I have are very special indeed. I am a lucky man.
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Bill: WOW. You make excellent sense. Yes, life still sucks for us. We want gay marriage because it would correct most injustices, plain and simple. Until then, we have to accept the scraps and move on until we can get a bigger piece of the pie.
I admire your courage and conviction. Your blogs are well thought out and timely.
I applaud you and look forward to reading more in the future.
Jeff,
I too have issues with depression. My issues are of basic fairness in a society that treats me as a second-class citizen. But, when I think about that a bit, I'm not alone. Women, for example, do not get paid the same amount as men, for the same work performed. In many areas of American life, African Americans are still discriminated against, regardless of what the law says. So, if I'm totally objective about this, I should realize that there are many other groups out there other than gays who are not treated equally.
I looked at our lack of being able to get this benefit as being a "wrong". It is. It is also part of many wrongs that we are confronted with as a couple. But there are three things that I think get easily overlooked when we just look at one issue being a "wrong"; 1) it's not just me, so I shouldn't take it so damn personally, 2) I'm not alone in these injustices, and 3) things could be a hell of a lot worse.
The third item is what I think most of us should think about because, for me, it strikes at the ability to thrive and have a happy life, despite everything else that's wrong in our lives.
Your point is so very valid here. This man lost everything. If I look at myself, as you did. I have a nice home, I have a wonderful companion to share my hopes and dreams with, and I have the future, hopefully, to live the best I can.
The bottom line is, we should all be doing this! Every single day is a gift. Do we want to spend it looking at every little thing that's wrong, or spend it seeing all the wonderful things we have in our lives that are working? That's an easy question to answer I think.
On the feeling of doom you are having, many of us share that Jeff. You are not alone. Some of it could also be clinical depression (vs. emotional depression). They can both trigger these feelings of doom and in some cases, manifest themselves in terms of having panic attacks and the like. If you haven't already, you might want to see what's available in your area to treat this because depression is quite treatable in many many cases.
In a general sense, it's so easy to have a feeling of doom today. We are at war, and from my point of view, we have a President who could be doing a lot more to inspire hope for the future of all of us.
Final thought: Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of the unlived life.
Recently I have been struggling with the feelings of impending doom. I don’t know why. It may be because I have been dealing with depression, and I just feel that something horrible is going to happen to me, or my family, (which includes my pets).
This morning, before I read this entry, I read a story in the paper about a man by the name of Jimmie Wallet. He lives just a few miles north of hear in the small community of La Conchita. Two days ago during a raging storm, Jimmie went to the corner market to get some snacks for his family. While he was gone, the hill behind his home had become over saturated with rainwater, and it let loose with tons of dirt and rock, right into Jimmie’s home killing his wife, and three young daughters.
That really put my life into perspective. I have my wife, her children, and all of our pets. This man lost all that. I still deal with depression, but I am now one step closer to feeling a whole lot better about my life. I now realize that it is a complete waste of time to worry about events that may, or may not happen. I need to remember every day that there are those who love me, and that I should allow myself to be loved because life is so very precious, and every day should be a happy one. I also feel guilty that I worried about something bad happening to my family when something so horribly devastating actually did happen to this man.
I, too, am a lucky man.