Bad Dreams

O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams - Hamlet, William Shakespeare

It’s 2:11am. I can’t sleep. I can’t get yesterday out of my mind. Why did I go to that place? The last time I was there was in the first fight for the gay rights bill that we currently have in this state. In that fight, we lost the bill by eight votes. It eventually passed, but the process took a toll. There was so much hate there. People who talked who didn’t want us to have civil rights argued that it would be the end of decent life in the state if normal citizens were not allowed to fire gays from work just for being gay, deny them housing, access to public accommodations, and all the rest. The bill eventually did pass and life did go on in Connecticut. The sky didn’t fall as they predicted.

Yesterday afternoon, a committee at the Legislative Office Building in Hartford were discussing the fate of two bills. One gave same sex couples the ability to have Vermont-style civil unions, and would be called a “civil union”. The other bill gave same sex couples full marriage and would be called a “marriage”, having no difference in name or otherwise, to what is now heterosexual marriage. Both bills could die in committee and never have a hearing in the full body of the legislature.

I listened to two open statements. One from Brian Brown, executive director of the Family Institute of Connecticut and a leading opponent of gay marriage. The other one from Anne Stanback, executive director of Love Makes a Family, who supports only marriage for gay couples, and does not support anything less, such as civil unions.

I had heard Brian talk before because he’s been in the news a lot. His argument is that this will be the “last straw” for marriage, an institution that has seen so many assaults on it in the last thirty years. I’m sitting there wondering, “How is that my fault? Why should I go through this because someone who got married decided 55 hours later that it was a mistake? I didn’t contribute to this problem marriage is having.”

I knew what Anne was going to say. Her organization has taken the stand that anything less than full marriage is simply not equality. I share that view. I don’t want a “civil union”. It’s degrading that I can’t be a fully equal citizen.

One of the conservative representatives was having a hard time with this (I will not mention his name because I don’t want repercussions from saying this so publicly). He wanted to know why we couldn’t settle for civil unions. His argument was that it takes time for people to understand these issues. He himself could not come to terms with giving us marriage. He said this in the committee and warned Anne that if we (the gays) kept on this course, his fear was that we would end up with nothing.

The round of questions for Anne finished. After she stepped down, the conservative representative left the room. I followed.

I went up to him and thanked him for trying to understand. He said, “Bill, I am trying to understand. Do you share Anne’s view of this, that you won’t settle for civil unions. I have to tell you, I will not vote for marriage.” I said, “Yes, I share that view. We both know that anything less than equal is not equality.” He said, “I know there are a lot of people who need these rights.” I said, “My partner and I are seeing a lawyer and spending money to try to get the really important rights given by marriage...” He interrupted me and said, “That’s no guarantee. Anything can be overturned. I know that there are couples like yourself who need these rights. How long have you two been together?” I replied, “Thirty years.” I proceeded to tell him what it has been like for people I know and what some of my nightmares have been. I feel my voice tighten during this and it’s hard to speak. I fight through it and I feel tears dropping off my cheeks. I am angry at myself. Of all the people to show vulnerability too, this was the last person I wanted to see this. He shook his head and said, “I’m afraid if you go for the whole thing (marriage), you will get nothing.” I said, “I have nothing now.” We parted.

I collected myself, and went back into the room.

A gay couple, together for 15 years were now talking, as a couple. They talked about their son Eli, who is two and a half years old. They are scared of what he will go through if they are not able to have full marriage. They worry about benefits. Even though one partner, who covers the other one with his benefits package because his employer (Columbia University) honors domestic partners, they still pay taxes on the premiums they pay for this, while married people do not. Columbia requires a copy of a marriage certificate to allow them as “married”. That can’t provide this. The committee was taken aback by this issue of being taxed on a benefit that marriage protects straight couples from. The civil union bill would not prevent this from happening. They continue to talk about Eli, as one of them fights back tears.

I’m sitting there listening to this and simply think to myself, “I hate how we are treated.” I get up and leave the building. I go back to work, even though there’s only an hour left. I work for the next two and one half hours frantically, trying to get it off my mind.

I go home to cook dinner for Kent. And, until I went to sleep, I was able to not think about it. But it came back in bad dreams. I’m not sure anybody understands how awful this feels, other than other gay couples. I’m not sure I’ve described it very well. How do you put into words what the knot in your stomach feels like as you wake up from sleep gasping for breath?