Remaining Part of America
It’s a strange time right now. Everything seems to have changed over the last three years. America is divided over so many issues and our community seems to be on the outs with everyone. It’s not that I haven’t survived challenges before. It’s just that, there seems to be no resolution to this problem of just not feeling like I belong to America anymore. Is this still my home? Do I have a place in this country? Should I care so much about society not caring about what I have with my partner? Maybe there are bigger issues involved.
So, I am anxious. I know I’m not alone and I know there are a lot of people even outside the gay community that feel this way also. I read that gay people in Virginia are leaving the state to set up their home in more tolerant states. Not surprising. I suppose I would do the same thing.
I have lost friends over where we are at today. I have changed, and maybe they have changed as well. Whatever has happened, it is no longer viable for me to be friends with anyone who feels that I have no right to marry my partner. Period. Does that seem small of me?
This is no small issue for me. Those who know me know that I would not dismiss a friendship lightly. But, this is one thing that strikes to the core of what I am as a human being. When people say they don’t support that, they are not and probably never were my friends.
They are saying that I am not an equal citizen to them. So, as far as I am concerned, they are not my friends. Perhaps they never really were. Does this make sense?
I’m writing what I have been thinking for the last few months in a matter of a few paragraphs. I have bitched and moaned about it. It’s tiring and it wears you down. Every time I check the news, I come up with something new. In the last five minutes of a search:
6-year term for killing gay man sparks anger. Six years. Is that what the life of a gay man who is murdered goes for these days?
Constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage moved forward this week in Virginia, Alabama and Indiana. Nothing new here. Tomorrow or the next day, it will be the same, but the names of the states will have changed. That’s all.
Through all of this, I’m reminded that I, along with many other people, mean little to America. The constitutional amendments against allowing us to marry our partners have said that loud and clear. Is there a place in America for us anymore?
Maybe. I think we have to try to make that place and try to imagine that someday, we will again be part of America; an America that wants us and values us. Not an America who takes advantage of us as a community. Our challenge is to keep love and understanding within ourselves. I remind myself that it is easy to hate. And, I simply will not allow myself the luxury of hating those who hate us. If it is wrong for them to do it to us, it is wrong for us to do it to them.
They do not understand us because it is easier to hate us for threatening marriage. The irony is, we have a lot to bring to marriage. We were never the enemy of marriage, but they have made us so. There’s nothing we can do about that.
So what’s next? I don’t know. Like a lot of you, I go through my day wondering what the next bomb dropped will be. What state will be the next one to vote us into second-class citizenship? Can everyday Americans even understand what that feels like? Do they even care?
Again, I don’t know. I only know myself. I only have my own inner strength to guide me through life. I can’t control others. I will try to be myself honestly and openly. If that means that I will someday come in contact with a gay basher who will vanish me from this earth, as they did the man mentioned above, that is what will be. But at least, they will know who I am.
I used to wonder what people would think of me who read this. Most of you I don’t know. But, over time, people in my personal life who actually know me, people I work with and personal friends, have found this blog. I did not tell them about this blog because I write about my innermost thoughts about my life. They read it. I wonder what they will think of me? Will they think that I’m weak? Will they think less of me? Will they think that I’m crazy? Should I be less honest? If I am less honest, why do this blog? I say what is in my heart and these days, I do know that it is very dark. I am sorry for that. It is my way of resolving what is happening in my life, of bringing equality to an equation that has only darkness on each side of it.
It looks as if something will happen in Connecticut this year, but probably will be in the form of a civil union. The legislators have said they will revisit next year to see about full marriage. We’ll see. I’m skeptical that will ever happen. I don’t even know if our governor would sigh a civil union bill.
I do understand that I’m different. But I can’t for the life of me understand why that is such a terrible thing to so many people.
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Bill, we have actually discussed MA somewhat. I'd love to live in Salem - heck anyplace that has Halloween for a whole month is tops in my book!
It's a matter of finances, we just can't afford it. We have two mortgages at the moment so we can't afford to sell our house here and can't afford to buy with the prices up there. On top of that is the issue of a job and income. I don't hold a lot of fancy degrees and depend in large part on my employer recognizing my self-taught skills. I suppose I could look into going back into nursing but the hours are so terrible not to mention the fact that working long shifts on my feet is very painful because of my back these days. Still, it could be something to consider if things become totally unbearable.
Let's all hang in there together and say an extra prayer each day for all our GLBT brothers and sisters who are living this nightmare called the United States right now.
Thanks everyone. I guess it's some consolation that so many others are having the same feelings that I am. Buck, in your post, you talk exactly about how I am feeling towards my country right now. I share your worry about what you are going through about your truck being shot at. Let us know if it was indeed a gunshot.
We have had vandalism as well. It didn't take long for our little community to find out that they have a gay couple living in the neighborhood. I can't tell you how many times our mailbox has been bashed in or taken altogether. Then there was the time that someone put a bunch of things from our neighbor's property on our front yard. I suppose to make it look like we took them. In my community at least, I have to say that the police were very responsive. I actually told them that we are a gay couple, so these sort of things get our attention. They didn't even bat an eye at that, but I've always wondered if that little piece of information made it back to the file. Or, do we now have a police file as being "gay residents"? I'm probably being paranoid. At any rate, check that out throughly.
You and your partner might consider moving from the South to a more liberal part of the country. If you do that, I would take a look at Massachusetts. You can get married and have as many rights as any state in the nation will allow, and you wouldn't put up with the kind of crap you are going through now. You would have to get used to the winters though. That's been the hardest thing for me to adapt to. But, you wouldn't have the hassles of trying to become a citizen in another country. Something to consider, at least.
Kent and I have talked about leaving the United States, but it would be hard. Emotionally, it's hard to reconcile yourself with that fact that your country as a whole, hates you. On the practical side, it's just plain difficult to move to another country and establish yourself as a citizen in that country. You have to qualify, which usually means that you have to prove that you have something to offer the country.
We have talked about retiring someplace other than the United States, if we can swing it. It's a sad state of affairs that we have to even consider this, but I feel that the Religious Right have taken over my country and they have made it very clear that we aren't wanted here.
I could stay and spend the rest of my life fighting them, but why should I? If Americans didn't want this to happen, it wouldn't happen. If Americans stood up to this hatred and collectively said, STOP, it would stop. You have to understand that in the states where they are passing constitutional amendments against gay marriage, it is THE PEOPLE VOTING TO DO THAT and giving their approval. So, I have to conclude that the majority of Americans want this to happen. So be it.
This is the country they will have. Once we are gone, they will have their pure country, with seeds of hate strongly planted. There have been so many people leave the country already, have moved to another, more accepting, state, or are in the process of leaving the country altogether. They are refugees, in my mind. A refugee is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as One who flees in search of refuge, as in times of war, political oppression, or religious persecution. That is exactly what is happening here.
Be careful what you ask for. You may just get it.
I wrote a special post for you:
Postcards From Nowhere
Bill,
I don't know you except for your blog. But I feel like I know you better than many folks I know. Sharing your own personal thoughts and fears with others(even if you don't personally know them), is a very brave thing.
My partner and I share the very same thoughts. This is a time of seperation in this country. It is actually much more intense living in the heart of democracy, DC.
We are some of those folks moving out of Virginia. When we decided to move here last year, because of my partners job transfer, we not no idea about politics to this extent. But the laws in VA are so anti-gay and getting worse. It's really too bad than the more liberal Northern VA is a part of the state of VA.
Where this division will take this country, I don't know. A great movement? A mini-revolution? Perhaps nothing so dramatic. Perhaps it's just a point of waiting until many these old conservative bastards die of old age, and the younger more liberal generation comes into power. Are they more liberal? Damn I hope so. I think it depends on who you ask?
While I could never understand these idiots who are willing to die for their cause in Iraq, and everywhere else in the world for that matter -- I can see how when you are so passionate about something and no one will listen, that you may be swayed to become violent. Don't think that after reading some of these comments from our leaders, I wouldn't just love to meet them in a dark ally.
It's a feeling of fear, anger, frustration, loneliness.
In the meantime, there is hope that all Americans will be free and have equal rights.
I think.
Tom,
Thank you so much for your very kind comments. I came home last night, and was sick. It's been a rough week for me. On Tuesday, I went to the debate on same sex marriage before the Judiciary Committee. It was more stressful than I thought it would be.
Because of that, I've worked like mad to keep my mind occupied telling myself, "whatever they end up doing, I still have my life the way it is now, my home, my partner, so it will be fine."
This week saw the return of panic attacks. I had two at work. I don't know if you have ever had one, but you basically feel that you are dieing and having a heart attack... can't breath, feel like the walls are closing in on you, cold sweat, etc. Not fun, and I thought I was over them because I hadn't had one in months.
So last night I get home, I notice I have a fever that just keeps getting worse, I am achy all over, and totally exhausted. I think my body has had enough, and is forcing me to rest and not worry about anything else. I took some cold medication for the aches and fever, but also because I knew it would turn my mind off from everything and force sleep on me. I steered clear of the Internet because sometimes you just don't want to let all the things that are happening in life into your home.
I slept all night. I think I was just totally exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So this morning, your comment to me was the first thing I read. You have no idea how much it meant to me. There is so much going on right now in the world and it seems that no one is trying to accept any one different. In fact, it seems at times that people are trying to feel better about their world by making others in a minority totally miserable. Is that a characteristic of mankind? We have done it time and time again throughout history.
All of this hate will end when understanding and compassion begin. And all it takes for that to happen is for people to open their hearts to the possibility of what could be.
You are right about me. I believe that until we are all equal, there is no equality. And, I don't just want it for myself. I think it is wrong that women do not get paid as much as men for doing exactly the same work. That is wrong. I think it is wrong that women are often reduced to sex objects in our society without even the effort to get to know them as human beings.
I also feel for parents trying to raise their children in this world we live in today. I think the greatest challenge is this... How do you raise children and protect them from everything that's happening? How do you give them the wonderful childhood that they all deserve? At the same time, they are the very future of the human race and the values that they are given will determine what the world will be like in the next generation. Will they share the same sense that all are created equal and that equality and justice should be the standard upon which we all should live?
We need more parents like you. We need more people who can see the issues involved for all of us when civil rights are eroded for anyone. Once we start down that path, it's only a matter of time before my community is no longer the target, and it will be someone else's turn. And when that happens, I will be there fighting for them as well. I absolutely hate injustice and bigotry. I guess that's my nature, but it drives Kent nuts. He just wants me to be happy. I want that as well, but it's not real unless others can have that as well.
You are not crazy. You are certainly not weak. You are right to stand up for equality for yourself and to demand nothing less. You of all people deserve that because I know that you would stand up for anyone else who was being treated unfairly. You don't want equality just for yourself or just for the gay community. You want equality for everyone, because you know that it isn't equality until everyone shares it. Your friends should not only understand what you want but be proud of you for fighting for it. Anyone who offers less is not ready to be your true friend.
As you have often said, one day people will see and feel the truth. They will cringe at the thought of the way your community is being treated today. I have a son who just turned three a couple of weeks ago. I'm teaching him every day to be kind to others and to understand others and most importantly to try to imagine himself in others' shoes. With everything I am, I am trying to raise a person that will judge people based on their actions toward others. Someone that will see hate and call it hate and fight against hate. Someone that will recognize courage and compassion in someone like you and reward that with kindness and friendship and love.
There will be countless children raised this way and influencing those that are not earlier and earlier. Understanding will win out over prejudice. It is inevitable. I am inspired by your reaction to the way you are treated. I have shared your website and story with my wife and with other close friends and continue to talk to those I know about the dangerous things that are going on right now. You have friends out here, probably more than you know. People that are willing to stand up with you for what is right, gay or straight.
I saw a "marriage = 'man shape' + 'woman shape'" bumper sticker yesterday (next to an Ichthus of course) and thought about you and Kent. I thought that if that woman could only look up from her bible and her narrow view of the world and see you and the kind of person you are, she might just get it. Marriage = love + love. It's that simple. Keep it up. The world is listening and eventually enough of us will hear to turn things around.