Friendship is obsolete
I talked with one of my friends on line last night. This was the same friend who I tried to support after he broke up with his boyfriend a couple of months ago. It’s been tough on him, I think. I say, “I think”, because I’m not sure if he is what he says he is anymore. I no longer trust anything he says.
According to him, his boyfriend told him that he wanted to break up with him. He was devastated. I supported him the best I could. He moved to a new place with a lesbian couple. He needed money for clothes and such, and, like the friend I always try to be for everyone, I sent him money. I try to be there for my friends.
Then, there was a period of time, when we were on vacation, that I didn’t talk to him. Last night, I talked with him for the first time in several weeks. Now, he has moved to a new place, and has a new boyfriend. But, they are about to be evicted because he says, “we’re being kicked out because we’re gay” because the landlords “ex-wife doesn’t want their kids to be around gay people so we have until the 1st (9 days) to find a place or we’re homeless”.
I mentioned to him that in California (where he lives), it is illegal to evict people because of sexual orientation. He said he realized this, but it was “easier” to just move.
I was dumbfounded. Here, you have a law in place (that was put in place by the very hard work of a lot of people), to protect gay people from this sort of thing. Then, you have a gay couple who isn’t even willing to fight an eviction based on the fact that they are being evicted for being gay. It blows my mind. If we don’t care enough about our rights to fight for them, why the hell should anyone else? I’m going to have to think about that one for awhile.
And, to top it off, he has a Paypal donation button on his site for people to “help out”. I think that was what did it for me. I saw the Paypal button, and remembered the money we sent to him to help him out. Was he ever real? Did I, or at least the friendship I offered him, ever mean anything to him? Is he even capable of understanding friendship?
I feel at this point that I’ve been taken advantage of, and I’m truly very disappointed. He’s a young man who is struggling (at least I think - how the hell does anyone really know who they are talking to on the Internet?), and I only tried to help him.
I don’t honestly care that much about the money I gave him. Money to me is cheap. But I feel betrayed because I don’t offer friendship easily - it is not a cheap or casual thing to me. It is sacred. It is because of my views on friendship that I have taken people into our home to help them out. I have reached out to people. And most of them, once they are done with my generosity, discard the friendship like it was yesterday’s news.
So, I guess I’ve learned a lesson. I’m going to stop trusting anyone on line. As of this moment, I’m going to stop helping people. DON’T EVEN THINK OF ASKING ME FOR MONEY. And if I don’t know you, don’t instant message me offering to “talk” because you will be put on ignore. I honestly don’t need your drama or your bullshit. I’m done with helping people, online at least. Before I will ever trust another person with my friendship, I will have to know you in real life. And then, the friendship and trust must be earned. It’s no longer given away freely.
To the few of you who I feel are good honest people that I’ve come to know, I thank you for your friendship and I value that. And, to those people, I’m sorry for this rant.
Life goes on...
The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity and trust. It must not surmise or provide for infirmity. It treats its object as a god, that it may deify both.
That may have been true in 1841 when Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote his Essay on Friendship, but in 2005, friendship seems to be something that is merely experienced by an idiot, full of sound and fury...
signifying nothing.
Signed,
Bill, someone who no longer puts trust in people or weight on friendship.
8 Comments
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Fritz
i agree we dont need friends like that,i would never call a freeloader a friend,i have had my same circle of friends for years,and we never loan or borrow money from each other,if i see something i think they will like then i buy it for them,they do the same for me,i enjoy having friends i can trust and respect.
Many years ago, I had a very close friend from college who lost his job and broke up with his boyfriend in the same week. I had moved to L.A. a couple of years earlier and this friend called and asked me to help him move to the city -- a fresh start.
So, he moved in with my boyfriend and me until he could find a job. After several weeks, I had to get the freeloader out of my apartment and found him a roommate -- a friend of my boyfriend.
My old friend quickly revealed himself to be a liar and a con artist. He took advantage of his new roommate and cheated him out of hundrends of dollars. Then, he started dating several of our friends (at the same time) and conned most of them out of money, too.
Of course, you can imagine what this did to our circle of friends. I finally had to cut the guy out of my life.
This was long before the WWW. So, I don't think it makes much difference how we became friends.
Recently, I ran into my old buddy at a restaurant. He said, "I don't know why we drifted apart."
I replied, "Because you slept with all of my friends and cheated them out of a lot of money."
He just stood there with his mouth hanging open as I walked away.
Darence
I agree with you,i try to do the same when it comes to bringing joy into peoples lives,or trying to help any way i can,but sometimes people take advantage of us because we have such big hearts,it would be nice if people would take care of each other and look out after each other it would be a nice world to live in,but people forget that we all have to live together in this big world,my dream is that one day we can all live together in a world where everyone has enough food to eat and a roof over their head,and we can all be treated as equal,would'nt that be a nice world to live in.
Darence,
I know there are people out there who need help. And, I will continue to do what I can to help, IF I know that they are real.
I had a moral dilemma while in high school (another issue), but at the time, my Mom said something to me that I will never forget. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "YOU should be the example", meaning, that others should strive for.
That is a tall order to give to a teenager, but the point was well taken. I do try to be the example. I try to be an example for the younger generation. I try to tell them that they will have a bright future, BUT they should take nothing for granted. I try to teach them that people who came before them had hard lives and a lot of struggle (such as the people who worked so hard to get California to protect gay citizens from job and hiring discrimination) so that the freedoms they now take for granted are there. I teach them to always be watchful for those who want to take away your rights (our President and most of the Congress right now), and to always be willing to fight for those rights.
Getting a state to pass a non-discrimination law to protect gay citizens is a royal pain in the ass. It takes a lot of hard work and only after many many people have lost their jobs for being gay. But, the law only works if we are willing to DEMAND that it be upheld when people try to break the law.
Why is this relevant? It's relevant because I'm tired of helping people who don't seem to care about anything other than THEIR immediate needs. He is going to move rather than fight, why? Because it's "easier". Of course it's easier. It's always easier to take the easy way out. And the next gay person or couple who want to rent there will face exactly the same fate. Except now, the landlord knows that he can probably get away with it. Why? Because we don't care enough to fight for it.
I've been fighting my entire life for every single thing I have in my life. Nothing has come easy for me. NOTHING. Today, I'm fighting for equality in marriage. I will no longer help those who need help, regardless of their intentions. Intentions are EVERYTHING. Intentions will dictate if you are truly helping someone out, or if you are just being used.
I will continue to help people. But I'm more cautious now. I will never reach out to anyone again online. I need to see you in person and to get to know you in person. It's just too easy for someone online to make false or empty claims of need.
And in real life (not online), I will be more cautious - more cautious who I let into my (our) lives, and if friendship will be extended. It's too bad I've come to these conclusions, but it's honestly not my issue. I suppose you could say that it's the world we live in.
Tony,
First off, I only know a few words in French, but I quoted from "Little Prince" becasue that was the first book with more than 1000 words that I truly enjoy. . . and thank goodness for Babel Fish, lol!
Anyway, I agree with you that getting a job is a solution for money problems, but alas, if life is only that simple. . . Things happen, whether we like it or not, that's why I am willing to drink water instead of pop for a week, only to get someone out of a difficult position.
Life is too short as it is, that why I want it to be filled with joy as much as possible. . .
Perhaps I am gullile, maybe even naive, but that's me. . .
Cheers and be gay,
D.
Darence
Quand il vient pour peuple la prise une sorte hearted la personne et en utilisant les pour leur propre gain qui est non exact simplement,les laissent obtenez le travail,si vous aves l'argent a jeter loin sur les personnes qui venlent juste vous employer puis qui est votre bussiness,mais je voudrait que mon ami soit plus gue juste quelqu'un qui m'emploie pour leur propre ordre du jour quand ils sentent le besoin.
Well, it is unfortunate that there are people out there who prey on others' generousity. . . BUT, there are people out there who really need our help. . .
To me, I will help everyone out with what I can afford, regardless of their "intentions". . . becasue to me, it is just money which I can spare, but to those in need, it might be their food, their home, etc.
And Bill, you have a heart of gold, why throw it away because of one "jerk"? Furthermore, there was no solid proof that he actually "abused" your friendship, was there? Just my thought. . .
"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."- Little Prince.
Cheers and be gay,
D.
It sounds like your online friend needs a job,i was in kentucky shopping not to long ago a man came up to me and ask if i could help him with gas to get home,he said he had ran out of gas,it was a hot day so i felt sorry for the man,my sister was with me and said i bet he is not out of gas but he needs to buy some drugs or a bottle of liquor,so i followed him in my car to see if my sister was right,we turned the corner where he said his truck was and just watched,he got in his 2005 model truck and pulled off,i felt like a fool,but i learned a lesson,never give money out,unless it is for a cause that i believe in,i would never give money to someone to further their drug or other habit they may have, let them get a job.