Gay Retirement
Tucked into the forests of the North Carolina mountains is a gated community designed by developers for people like them.
Lesbians and gay men.
At Carefree Cove near Boone, Cathy Groene and Gina Razete are selling more than wooded lots with views of Snake Mountain. They’re marketing the freedom to walk down the road hand-in-hand, dance together at community socials, and talk unself-consciously about a same-sex partner.
Atlantan Jeanne Dolan, 53, an online college instructor, bought the concept.
“I liked the idea of living in a community where I could be open and accepted, even embraced for who I am,” she says.
Razete, 50, and Groene, 57, are pioneers in the growing business of second-home and retirement developments for lesbians and gays. Others are going up in California, New Mexico and downtown Boston.
The women are also part of a graying gay population estimated at 2 million. The number of gays and lesbians in their 50s or older is expected to swell to 5.7 million by 2020, according to a 2004 study by the Maryland-based market research publisher Packaged Facts.
Some live openly and don’t want to spend their leisure time or retirement years struggling for acceptance. Others, who have kept their sexual orientation hidden, would like to come out of the closet.
Gay and lesbian developers understand that.
“We really think of ourselves as a lifestyle company,” says Amy Errett, CEO of Olivia, a San Francisco-based travel company for lesbians that is planning a $300,000-up townhouse community in Palm Springs, Calif. (source)
Some live openly and don’t want to spend their leisure time or retirement years struggling for acceptance.
That’s what I want my retirement to be like as well. After a lifetime of worrying about who will bash my head in if I’m open about being gay, I figure that I’ve earned the right to not worry about that. If that means isolating myself away from straight people entirely to make that happen, perhaps that is what I should look to do?
Before everyone gets bent all out of shape for me saying that, please understand that I’m not saying there aren’t many straight people who aren’t accepting. But ask yourself this question. If you see a gay couple walking down the street holding hands, if you can even find one, don’t you look just a little bit more than if you see a straight couple doing it? That’s what I’m talking about, aside from the outward harassment that some insecure straight people seem bent on pushing onto gay citizens. Should we have to worry about what judgment will be made against us - good or bad?
Acceptance, true acceptance, means that I shouldn’t have to even stop to worry about how or if someone will accept me as a gay man. That’s where the gay retirement community comes from. There was a time that I would not like the idea of isolating ourselves from society. I believe that we should all live together in peace and harmony. But, if there’s one thing that has taught me that we aren’t ready for that as a society, it is the gay marriage issue.
If I were a younger man, I’d brace myself for yet another fight. First it was the struggle of high school, and if you’ve read this blog, you all know how well that turned out. Then it was some issues that happened in college. Then, it was San Francisco and AIDS. AIDS was less harsh a reality for us than the fact that people wanted us to die. Now, it’s gay marriage.
In my mail, I keep getting these mailings from the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). Let me tell you, that’s a real eye opener. When you turned 50, you will start getting their mailings. They will offer you discounts based upon being a member of their organization. My problem is that I’m not ready to “come out” as a man who is getting older. But when that happens, I would like to find myself in a place where I feel loved and accepted. If I have to live in a gay retirement ghetto for that to happen, I suppose I could do worse.
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i have struggled for exceptance and no one wants to be my friend and its very hard to find a love of my own! but seeing how you two have been together for thirty years , it realy gives me hope ! i only hope i can find a man of my own! thanks !! ~shawn
Tom,
Thank you for your warm comments and thoughts.
On a personal level, I am very VERY grateful to all my straight friends who offer their support. You really don't know how much it means to me and to other gay people. Unfortunately these days, as you are about to find out in Texas, that is not the norm. From our side, what we feel and experience is that 90%+ or the straight population in the United States is openly hostile to us; either verbally, physically, or voting against us one way or the other.
Around 5% "tolerate" us and try to pass that off as "acceptance".
Around 5% openly accept us and make no bones about accepting us - to MOST of their friends, that is. My experience has been that, depending on who they are around, they won't make their support for gays known too loudly. I don't blame them for that. Peer pressure is a very strong thing and everyone wants acceptance.
To hold true to your convictions, no matter what (that means to sacrifice friendships and the like) to tell bigoted homophobic friends, that you support gays, is just not in most people. That would, after all, put one in the same class as Ghandi. That's going to happen for most people.
And I think you are right about Texas. I expect them to "put us in our place" in November and tell gays and lesbians in no uncertain terms, that we are second class by approving an amendment to the state constitution. I also predict that they won't stop there. I believe they will also try to prevent gay couples from adoption as well.
We translate that to hate. That's the only word for it.
Your dilemma is an interesting problem. When we see people staring at us, it is usually very negative and our natural instinct is to be careful. That is the world we live in. If we were to give someone staring at us the benefit of the doubt, we could just end up in the hospital, or we could end up dead. It's just not worth the risk of seeing if someone who is staring is in support of our community, or is an enemy.
This country is getting scary. It has been hijacked by the Religious Right, thanks to our President bowing to their every need. I've given up a lot of my hopes and dreams for what my community may have in the future. Many of us have given up, and are leaving the United States. We want to find happiness, and it's getting more difficult by the day for that to happen in the United States. So, we are becoming refugees, if you will.
Kent and I are relatively lucky, I suppose. We live in a quiet neighborhood and, for the most part, people leave us alone. We are not totally accepted and we are not trusted. But at least, people aren't coming up to us and calling us faggots and the like. If we were open in public, I suppose they would. As it is, when we are out doing lawn work and someone walks by, they always stare as they go by. The worst so far has been the theft of our mailbox (about 6 times in all) and my neighbor looks at me like I'm trying to molest his children. Even here, in "liberal" Connecticut, we have to be careful. If I were God and could grant one wish, it would be that every straight person would have to live one month with the fear and the status of being second class, that we have to live with every single day. I have to believe that if that were to happen, much of this hatred would disappear. You think? Maybe I'm giving people too much credit.
I know of one organization that you can join if you want to support gay and lesbian people. It is the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). It's a great organization and a way to offer support to someone who may very much need that support.
I did a bit of research for you, even finding chapters in Texas for you. I don't know if there are any close by, but if there are, you should give them a call. :)
PFLAG National website
PFLAG Texas Council
Texas PFLAG Chapters
Thanks again for your warm comments Tom. Hopefully, we will come out of all this craziness soon.
Bill
Bill,
I don't know if you remember any of them, but I have left several comments here in the past. I haven't done so recently, but I visit your site almost every day. I am a straight married man living in Texas. I always feel so weird trying to get that in somehow ... it shouldn't matter what I am but I want you to know where I'm coming from. Maybe you should provide some drop-downs for choosing man/woman, gay/straight, married/single, etc. : ).
I recently had an experience related to something you mentioned in this entry. You wrote, "If you see a gay couple walking down the street holding hands, if you can even find one, don’t you look just a little bit more than if you see a straight couple doing it?" We were eating at one of our favorite local restaurants and I noticed three men sitting a few tables away. I was thinking that two of them were a couple and was trying to tell for sure.
After a little bit I noticed that all three guys were looking at me and then I realized I had been sort of staring. Of course, I was thinking, "if they're a couple, that's awesome that they're out in public at least somewhat showing affection for each other" but they probably thought I was thinking, "you'd think in Texas I could go out and not have to see gays all over each other."
I just wish there was a way to say or show "I'm straight and I support you 100%, we're out here even in places like Texas, not every straight person in this country is a bigoted asshole." I guess that's impossible though. Sometimes I wish I could be in a position to step in on someone's behalf just so at least one gay person would know that they're not totally alone. I hope I step up to the challenge if I ever get that chance.
I know I'll have a chance come November to make my position known. As I'm sure you're aware, we're going to get to vote on an amendment to ban same-sex marriage. I'm betting we hit 75%, but maybe I'm giving my fellow Texans too much credit ... things are getting really scary.
Tom
Darrell, you will never get flamed here... not by me anyway :)
You are right, holding hands in a gated community is not being "open". It's being protected. I wasn't making the argument about it being open or not. What I was trying to convey was not a matter of being open, but rather a matter of not being harassed for being open. I very much doubt that we will be able to be open in the general public without being harassed in my lifetime. That kind of change and acceptance will only come from a generation (or two) to die out and be replaced by more enlightened people.
And for the record, if I ever move again (I actually like where I'm at now), it will be to a place that is not repressive to gays. And North Carolina isn't that place.
Before I get flamed, let me say that I was born in North Carolina, but I never plan to live there again.
Walking down the street holding hands in a gated community is not being 'open'. Maybe it's better, but it's still North Carolina. I'll bet none of the residents hold hands in downtown Boone.
That sounds like a great place to live,wow what a great plan,i wish we didnt have to hide away,but untill people treat us as people and not as freaks,i guess we will have to hide.