Having a Gay Child
Maybe it’s not too much to ask also that a father teach his son that “gay” is not something you can knock out of a child. Nor should you want to.
I have a younger brother. By the time he was a toddler, my father had resigned himself that his bookish and unathletic oldest child was doomed to punkdom. So Dad decided he’d save my brother. He taught him every manly art and vice he could.
I’ll give you one guess which son went to the gay pride beach party.
It’s probably a sign of God’s mercy that our father did not live long enough to learn. (source)
That was from an editorial by Leonard Pitts, Jr. I don’t often agree with Leonard. He recently issued another editorial in which he said that gay couples should just give in to the fact that we should settle for “civil unions” and give up on marriage.
I wrote a letter to him stating that he shouldn’t be so naive about the issue, and asked him, “Would you be willing to settle for second best, knowing that the Federal Government would not honor it?” He answered me back simply saying that he appreciated my thought. I answered back saying that, while I was happy he appreciated my thoughts, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he really didn’t think through the issue of equality.
This editorial seems to be better, probably because as a straight man, he probably just couldn’t understand what it would be like not to have the benefits of marriage once you were legally married. It’s appalling to me why this concept is so difficult for so many.
At any rate, he “gets” the concept of having a gay brother, and the issues that come up from having a gay sibling. I thought his statement, “It’s probably a sign of God’s mercy that our father did not live long enough to learn.”, was very poignant. And, it hit pretty close to home for me.
I was asked by an aunt to never reveal to my mother that I was gay because “it would kill her”. At the time, it sounded to me that being gay was right up there on par with being a murderer or a rapist. I suppose that would have killed my mom as well. But, I was just gay. That’s all.
Then my brother telling me that it was probably better for me that my dad died when I was six years old because he “would not understand” and would have been “very disappointed”. Would I have been disowned, or would I have met with an “accident” such as little Ronnie Paris? In those days, they didn’t have the ”conversion therapies” that they have to day. They put homosexuals through shock treatment and in some cases, they were given a lobotomy, all to “cure” their homosexuality. If you were in the military and it was found out that you were gay, it was common that you would have a “training accident” (which would usually be fatal) while in training or “killed in action” on the battle field. That is how taboo it was.
Now, as an adult, I realize that there were many years that went by when my family never knew me. Today, they all know. And yes, for the most part, they treat me like a stranger. There are pockets of liberalism in my family around the issue of being gay, but for the most part, I have a mental illness. One distant cousin even went so far as to say that I was “worthy of death”.
My family, along with many other families, still don’t know us. Perhaps they never will. How would you feel about having a gay child? Would you honestly accept that child, try to change him, or, if you could somehow know he/she was going to be gay, would you try to abort that child?
I’m sure I wouldn’t be here today had my family known that I was going to be gay. In that sense, I’m glad that technology doesn’t yet provide that information. In the future, who knows?
6 Comments
Leave a comment
I've talked with people who study genetics for a living and they all say the same thing; they will never be able to isolate "a gay gene", because there isn't one - there are many. And if you were able to get rid of all the interactions between them that made you gay, you probably wouldn't be a viable life form.
Genetics is complicated.
I believe that one day science will discover that the "gay gene" is the same gene responsible for creativity, language, and abstract thought. In the future, people will have to face the fact that homosexuality and the characteristics that make us human are inexorably linked.
Remove the "gay gene" and all you'll end up with is a stupid, naked ape -- or George W. Bush.
Who in their right mind would want to bring a child into this world,gay or straight,when people see all the hurt and bigotry in this world,a child hasnt a chance today to grow up to be normal,what ever normal is,if my neices or nephews would come to me and say they are gay it would break my heart,because i know what kind of life they are going to live,full of hate,my life has been a living hell since the day i started school,and as an adult it has not been much better,when the last bigot on earth has died then it will get better,when i came out to my grandmother,she said well honey i still love you because you are my grandson,untill her last breath she would say one day you will find the right woman and settle down and have children,i would always reply yes and why dont we invite elvis to come sing at the wedding,the rest of my family was okay with it,minus one cousin,but life goes on.
Well, I can't tell you a few things about my life that are grounded facts.
1) Being gay is certainly not a choice. I knew I was "different" when I was six years old, and I spent my entire adolescence and a good part of college and beyond trying to pass as heterosexual. Explaining my relationship with Kent was a major pain in the ass for me and the cause of a lot of depression and self-loathing. That is what I hate society for. I did not ask for that.
2) We go through this because very few parents will talk to their children about the struggles gay people go through because of fear and misinformation. They feel that the subject matter is "too adult" for them. Well, it's our lives we are talking about. Doesn't that have any weight at all? That is where homophobia starts. People will say, "But then, you are advancing your agenda...", and crap like that. The ONLY agenda I have ever had was to feel good about myself, and let me tell you, that has been very very VERY difficult for me. I have called myself a "faggot" a lot in life because, as a writer who honestly trys to convey how I'm feeling, that word, with all it's connotations, is how I feel about my place in society a great deal of the time. Earlier examples are gay bashing. When you are beaten up and the police don't do crap about it and the officers say, "It's just some 'mary' getting beat up again.", how should I feel? Later examples in life have been the loss of friends and jobs, and the lack on my part to legitimize my relationship with Kent in marriage. Yeah, that makes me feel like a "faggot" that isn't even deserving enough to be "gay". I watched a few days ago a documentary on the gay marriages in Massachusetts. When they started issuing marriage license, one couple was in line to get married. They carried a big sign that said, "Together 49 years!". I thought, "That is what Kent and I will be." They then showed the crowd applauding wildly for them. The camera came in on a lesbian couple, one of whom was just sitting there. Her partner said, "Aren't you happy for them?" Her partner said, "No, I'm really really pissed! They've been together for 49 years! They had to put up with this shit for 49 years!" So the question is, where is our rage over this? I don't know.
3) Life as a gay person is VERY VERY DIFFICULT. And Mary, I totally agree with you on that one. If I had a child and had a choice that they not be gay, in this world, they way things are now, I'd hope that they be heterosexual. Mary, you are correct - in a fair world, sexual orientation would be as important as eye color.
I have maybe 20-30 years left in my life. I'm tired of fighting. I want happiness. So now, that's what I'm trying to find. I honestly don't think I'm going to find it because I'm too damn busy being constanstly reminded that I don't really count as one person (except for tax purposes) in this society we call the United States.
I have a handsome, athletic 12 year old son that I love very much. We have no idea what his sexual orientation will be, but I know my husband and I will always love and support him fully, and that sexual orientation will have no bearing on that. That said, I see from reading your posts these past few years how difficult it is to be gay, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I believe my son will have a happier life, with less conflict and discrimination, if he is heterosexual. What we need to be doing, and I believe you are doing it now, is working to make the world a more tolerant place so that it's not any harder to grow up gay than it is to grow up heterosexual.
When I came out to my parents, my mother also asked me not to tell my grandparents (her parents) because "it would kill them". I ignored her, and my grandmother finally took me aside one day and said, "We've known all along. We don't agree with your 'choice', but as long as you're happy, that's all that matters." I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a choice BEING gay, but it most definitely WAS a choice letting people know, and THAT was what was important. I don't think she ever really "got it", but the subject was never discussed again.
I never bothered telling anyone on my Dad's side of the family because I've never been close to any of them, and in fact probably couldn't pick 90% of them out of a police lineup if I had to, so at this point it's a non-issue.