Zach is Back
Zach is back home from his two month stay at Love In Action, a facility that, among other things, “deprograms” people from being gay. Such practices have been condemned by many as being destructive and dangerous.
I’m not going to write a lot about this topic. I just want to make some observations. Here are some excerpts from Zach’s blog (click here to read the full source) before going to Love In Action:
Sunday, May 29, 2005
The World Coming To An Abrupt - Stop.
Current mood: depressed
Somewhat recently, as many of you know, I told my parents I was gay. This didn’t go over very well, and it ended with my dad crying, my mom tearing, and me not knowing what I’d done - or what to do. It kind of.. went away for about a week or two I think. They claim it’s because they didn’t want to interfere with my last week or two of school. [...]Well today, my mother, father, and I had a very long “talk” in my room where they let me know I am to apply for a fundamentalist Christian program for gays. They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they “raised me wrong.” [...]
I wish I had never told them. I wish I just fought the urge two more years... I had done it for three before then, right? If I could take it all back.. I would, to where I never told my parents things and they always were mad at me-- It’s better than them crying and depressed cause they will have no grandchildren from me. It’s better than them telling me that there’s something wrong with me. It’s better than them explaining to me that they “raised me wrong.”
Monday, May 30, 2005
After The World Stopped, It Gave Me A Lot Of Rules.
Current mood: worried
Yeah, I was upset yesterday.. however I found an email about the rules and regulations of the program. My parents lied to me.. they told me (29th of May) that they didn’t know what the rules were exactly, however, this email wasn’t sent on the 26th of May. I see now why they “didn’t know what the rules were.” It’s horrible.. they’re posted below.. and I so worried. It’s like boot camp... but worse. I obviously was not supposed to see this.. Seeing the bottom say “Parental Rules (not to be given to client)”What is with these people...? Honestly.. how could you support a program like this? If I do come out straight I’ll be so mentally unstable and depressed it wont matter.. I’ll be back in therapy again. This is not good--
Friday, June 03, 2005 - 10:43pm
It’s been a week of torture - anger, and crying.
Current mood: worried
Hi. I’m not sure if I’m even supposed to be on. I ran away for a short while. I came back and they took everything from me, they don’t want me to have outside influences-- I don’t know how long I’m going to be on, because if they wake up, i’m screwed. [...]I just need this to be over. Don’t worry. I’ll get through this. They’ve promised me things will get better whether this program does anything or not. Let’s hope they aren’t lying. I’ve been through hell. I’ve been emotionally torn apart for three days... I can’t remember which days they were.. time’s not what it used to be.
Friday, June 03, 2005 - 11:33pm
Thanks.. by the way.
Current mood: numb
Thank you for all of the comments and messages, they mean a lot. really. I was shocked to see all of this... of course I haven’t been on a computer, phone, nor have I seen any friends in a week almost-- Soon. Soon, this will be all over. My mother has said the worst things to me for three days straight... three days. I went numb. That’s the only way I can get through this. [...]I pray this blows over. I can’t take this... no one can... not really, this kind of thing tears you apart emotionally. To introduce THIS subject... I’m not a suicidal person... really I’m not.. I think it’s stupid - really. But.. I can’t help it, no i’m not going to commit suicide, all I can think about is killing my mother and myself. It’s so horrible. This is what it’s doing to me... I have this horrible feeling all of the time... I wish this on no person... I’m so satisfied--happy’s too strong of a word the state I’m in-- that everyone’s taking the time to email and write letters in complaint to these people. I don’t know if it will do anything, but if something did happen it would be -- awesome.
So now that Zach is out of the Love In Action program, is he alright? Well, I don’t think so. He has made a post to his “new blog”. All the past blog entries before he went to Love In Action have been deleted, and all the supportive comments and emails sent to him prior to going into the Love In Action program, will be deleted, when he gets around to it. From his new (and only) entry:
This isn’t going to become my life. I won’t let it. There’s more to me than this. I’ve erased the original blogs. I know they’re still out there somewhere, but the originals aren’t. I haven’t been able to see all of the news, newspaper, magazine, etc. articles and such, so I don’t know exactly what to say. Currently I feel annoyed towards a lot of things. Love In Action has been misrepresented and what I have posted in my blogs has been taken out of perspective and context. I don’t take back the things I’ve said, nor am I going to pretend like it never happened. It did. I refuse to deal with people who are only focused on their one-sided (biased) agendas. It isn’t fair to anyone. I’m very frustrated with the things going on in my life now, but everyone has their issues. Homosexuality is still a factor in my life--- it’s not who I am, it never has been. Those of you who really know me, know that homosexuality was always there but it didn’t run my life, and it will not now. [...]
The emails sent before this date are going to be deleted-- when I get around to it. I’m sorry, it’s just overwhelming. I ask that if you aren’t a close friend, or good acquaintance, to please keep it short and to the point. I don’t need things to be sugar-coated, nor do I need them to be thoroughly explained. I just want to do what I can for the wrongs to be corrected. The media, in my opinion, has made a bit of a mess of things. But, I suppose they did what they could with what they had.
I understand the concern, and I sooo appreciate everyone caring as much as they seemed to have. I REALLY do. But, I’m still alive. I don’t believe I’ve been brainwashed. It’s almost insulting, thinking about it, to be brainwashed. I think that I’m going to be ok. I could write forever on how content I felt when I signed on, because of all of the messages, comments, etc. (source)
I was quite angry about that. Here, so many people were trying to support Zach and were genuinely concerned for his safety. I myself have been in the situation of wondering if ending my life was the only option I had open to me when I was his age. And in Zach’s blog, he touches on having those feelings. So yes, I was very concerned.
Then, he came out of the program, simply deleted all of his past entries like they never happened, and deleted all the past comments of support, along with all the supportive emails he has received from people who care for him.
I left a comment for him on his site. I told him that these events did happen and deleting them would not make them go away. I also said that the people who cared so much for his welfare deserved more that simply being deleted. Apparently, my comment wasn’t well received by Zach. He deleted my comment.
I’ve had time to think about it. Has Zach been brainwashed? In my opinion, yes. If you look at his posts prior to going into the program, and the stark difference in the post from August 1st, there is a dramatic change in his personality. His extreme fear of the program and not coming out of the program as himself, has been replaced with criticisms of people who blew this out of proportion (like myself, apparently) and the press making this bigger than it was, along with condemnation for demonizing Love In Action.
Excuse me, but in my way of thinking, taking a child against his will and placing him into a program that could lead to suicide is pretty damn extreme. I had every right to be alarmed, for his safety. It has nothing to do with being gay. I only wanted Zach to find himself and to have the freedom to be who he is. What they did to him, in my opinion, was child abuse. I stand by that.
But, my concern has been replaced. It has now become one of apathy, I suppose. This actually isn’t about me. It’s about Zach, and I have to remind myself that he’s not an adult who is equipped with the tools to deal with these issues. He’s just a seventeen year old kid. I’m not going to criticize him. In fact, I’m not going to write about him anymore. He will have a rough road ahead of him. He will have to somehow sort all of this out in his mind, which is no doubt now clouded by turmoil over what he is, and somehow piece together his life again. I would assume that many visits to a psychiatrist is in his future, probably until he is 25-30 years old.
In the end, he will come out thinking that homosexuals are evil, perverted people, or he will come out hating himself and others like him for the perversion he believes himself to be and spend years trying to be straight and “normal”, or maybe, after years, he will come to the conclusion that the problem was never with him to begin with.
I only wish him happiness and peace. I hope that he finds that and I hope he finds his way in life.
Past writings on this
June 16, 2005 - How We Treat Gay Kids
July 15, 2005 - Father Of Gay Teen Sent To ’Ex-Gay’ Camp Comes Forward
Relating to all of this, was this article published on Monday, the same day Zach was released, condemning Love In Action as a movement that leads to “shattered lives.” The article was written by John Smid, the co-founder of Love In Action.
In a scathing condemnation of the movement he helped create, Love in Action co-founder John Evans wrote a letter on Saturday to LIA’s current director John Smid, saying the movement leads to “shattered lives.”
LIA made headlines and incited protests recently after the Web log of a 16-year-old youth named Zach Stark publicized his fears about being taken to LIA’s “Refuge” gay conversion camp against his will by his fundamentalist parents. (source)
13 Comments
Leave a comment
This is a very old post, and in all honesty, I don't care to spend time on it anymore. Other things are happening in my life now and I really don't have time to spend time on this. If you read through the comments that I left, Alexander, which you apparently didn't, my answer is in my comments....
Bottom line is this...
I have no "gay agenda" with Zach, or kids like him. I honestly don't care if his is straight, gay, transgender, or whatever. But I do care that he has FREE WILL and can choose to be whatever he is and achieve whatever it is that HE wants to do for himself. It's his life, and no one else's. Forcing him to go off to a camp to learn to be straight doesn't seem like free will to me. If you want to say that I have a "gay agenda" for thinking that, fine.
Zach can turn into another self-hating gay (like Mark Foley) if he wants to, assuming he even has that choice anymore. That should be his choice and not someone who wants to put him through a brain washing camp. It's called FREEDOM -- the freedom to determine your own life and not let others dictate to you how to live your life.
I can't believe you feel so little for yourself that you think what they did to Zach was "ok". If that's the case, I truly feel bad for you, and scared for you. All you have to do is to read Zach's comments to know that it wasn't HIS CHOICE to decide his life. THAT is what I have a problem with.
Does being gay "define" your life?
It defines your life to the extent that you let others define it for you. When someone puts you forcibly into a camp to make you straight, then they have defined you as "gay". It is not gays who want being "gay" that defines us. It is society who won't let us forget for one minute that we are just not quite as good as the rest of society. If they would let us be equals in this society, then all this in-your-face crap that you seem to be so up and arms about, would basically go away. We want to be seen as people first, who happen to be gay... yeah, kind of like African American people.
At any rate, this posting has been commented to death, and Zach has his life to live (or the life that his parents told him he must lead). I wish him well and hope that he's safe.
Dear Bill, it seems to me that you are being quite unfair on Zach. You have jumped to a conclusion, assuming that by Zach deleting his old comments and saying that homosexuality does not run his life he is coping out and telling you, and others, "fuck you.â Zach states that he felt content when he saw all the messages and comments left for him.
First off, Zach saying that homosexuality does not run his life and that it is not âwho he is,â and never has been, is in no way a denial of homosexuality. Zach himself states that homosexuality is still a factor in his life and that âthose that really know himâ know that homosexuality was always there.
All Zach, it seems to me, is saying is that he is not, nor wants to be a gay icon; a flag; a victimized martyr for the âgay cause.â He himself states that he ârefuses to deal with people who are only focused on their one-sided (biased) agendas.â It seems to me he feels used by people as a scapegoat of sorts to make him a battle cry against anti-gay feelings.
I donât blame him, nor do I feel he is doing anything wrong at all. Maybe I can relate to what I feel Zach is saying, because I feel the same way, or maybe I am in fact relating what Zach is saying to what I already feel, but my attitude is, âI write. I love to think. I love music. I love to hang out with friends. I run and like to stay in shape. I love to read. I am an intellectual. I also happen to be gay.â
There are many people in the gay community that have their life ambition as being gay. I am not one of them, nor do I think Zach is, nor do I think he ever will be. This does not mean he is ashamed of being gay. There are things I regret, and there are things I am proud of, and then there are things that just are they way they are. Being gay for me is one of those things.
Deleting all the comments and blogs, seems to me, an attempt to not be âZach, that victimized poor gay kid, who was betrayed by the very people that are supposed to care for him the most,â and instead just be Zach. Iâm not saying he is not a victim. He is. Every gay alive in this county is in one way or another a victim of anti-gay feelings, but you see what happened to Zach is something that happened to him, not who he is.
I find it honestly extremely narrow minded and ridicules to say that since Zach wants to keep his sexuality personal and not deal with all the rah-rah that it is because he was brainwashed.
I would appreciate a response where causes for opinions are directly sited, that way I can respond to them directly, and anyway, it will help or, if your argument holds not water, not help your argument.
Touché, Bill!
"Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions as to why Zach deleted those blogs and comments. Maybe you should just hope for his well being. He's only 16. Would you have known how to deal with all this at 16?"
Of course I hope Zach is well. And yes, he's only 16. You question, "Would you have known how to deal with all this at 16?"
The answer is, when I was 16, I had 5 boys beat the hell out of me and throw me over a ravine and left for dead. So yes, I do know how to deal with this kind of crap. I lived it and I'm here today to tell about the experience. So don't patronize me like I'm some kind of ignorant mindless gay who doesn't know first hand what Zach is going through.
Zach made a conscious decision to delete the blogs and the comments. In essence, he was saying to all those (like me) who were worried sick about him and trying to help him, "Fuck you." That pisses me off, but I do understand it.
And yes, I do wish him well because his parents and "Love in Action" (who have lost their license to practice, by the way) have managed to yet mess up one more life.
Where the hell is YOUR outrage?
Maybe you shouldn't make assumptions as to why Zach deleted those blogs and comments. Maybe you should just hope for his well being. He's only 16. Would you have known how to deal with all this at 16?
With most of america and his parents telling him he is sick and should change his way of thinking the young man will have to have nerves of steel to make it,but we made it and are still here so i think he will be just fine,i pray
I agree webgal. I was annoyed with Zach, until I pulled back a bit and thought about it. You see, I used to be Zach and, as a minor, I did exactly what he is doing now. The difference is, I can now control my life - he can't.
So, I don't blame him at all. I just hope that, after all of this (he still has a way to go before he is 18), he will come out of this mentally intact, without a lot of damage - damage to his own self-worth as a human being - gay or straight. I want to make that clear. This has nothing to do with his sexuality. It has to do with abuse. I suffered from a lot of that as a child. I hate to see any kid go through that.
I think, most of all, we have to consider the full situation. Think of it in terms of survival strategies. Zach is a minor and currently lives with his parents. He had to come to terms with the fact that his parents were actually capable of sending him off to such an extreme "camp" out of "love", and they were no doubt capable of worse if this step didn't "cure" him. Zach has no doubt realized that his survival means he needs to lie low until he is 18 and can legally walk away from such abusive terms of "love". Their treatment of him was abusive, coercive and just plain wrong - but expecting them to change is absurd. As a minor child he has no other choice than to play along until he can leave and create his own life elsewhere. Its a shame, but its his reality.
If I was 18 years old again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't take so many things for granted.
But looking back on life, the most awful, regrettable, and painful experiences I've had are the ones that have made me grow the most as a human being. Holding a dear friend as he takes his last breath is horrible, but how truly blessed I was that someone wanted to spend their last moments on this earth.... with me.
A few days ago, I listened to the first movement of Tchaikovsky's (a gay man who lived in a time of extreme intolerance) Fourth Symphony, and the pain of what he was saying was almost too much for me to bear. Yet, if he had not had so much adversity, that work, along with many others, would not exist.
We are what our experiences make us. For better or worse, Zach will have to learn that.
Robert Frost wrote,
"Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."
He's talking about adversity, although he doesn't say that. And you know, for most of my life, I read that poem and thought, "...how simple... how dumb... what's the big deal...".
Now, I get it.
You're right on, Bill. Life has taught me the same lesson. Unfortunately, getting a young person to listen to and understand what we've learned is one of the most difficult tasks.
It is frustrating to look into the eyes of someone 25 or 30 years younger and realize that your best advice is of no value. Perhaps they have to suffer through it themselves in order to learn.
It would be great if we could take a young kid like Zach a simply download our life's wisdom into their tender minds. Imagine what you would have been like at 16 or 17 knowing all that you know now!
There are those in our community who are flamboyant (some have said that about me). And, there have been times where I have been uncomfortable at some of the displays from our community. But, I view my unease as MY shortcomings and insecurity. I always challenge myself in life to at least try to understand others.
It's easy to dismiss something as "flamboyant" and "sexually explicit", but at what cost do you do so? And, in Zach's case, I suppose his reference to homosexuality "not running his life" means that he will try to "act straight" and deny his true self. All that will be hurt in the end is him. If this will be the case, there will be no happy ending for him.
The kind of acceptance that people, such as the young man from Texas that you mentioned, are looking for is a false acceptance. They want to feel like they belong and that they are loved. The truth of the matter is that if you have to act a certain way to be accepted, that is not "acceptance". It's barely "tolerance". It leads to nowhere except self-loathing. It took me a long time to realize that.
It's a rather sad ending, or beginning for Zach.
He is young though, and easily influenced I would think. I also hope he eventually finds his own way as he seemed to be doing before he went to Love in Action.
I have been engaged in somewhat heated correspondence with a young man who has taken on a leadership role in my local LGBT community. He was recently quoted as saying some rather inappropriate things in our local newspaper regarding our Gay Pride festival. Specifically, he stated that this year's event was intended to be "family friendly" and that "flamboyant" and "sexually explicit" content was deliberately excluded.
Through a series of e-mail messages, I learned that the young man is from Texas and recently served in the military. He firmly believes that if LGBT people were not flamboyant and sexually expressive (I choose not to use the word "explicit"), that his life would be much easier and straight people would be more accepting of him. He explained that he once considered suicide -- primarily because he could not tolerate being associated with all of the flamboyant, outrageous queers in the world.
Sadly, this is probably where Zach is headed.
It was very frustrating for me to try to explain why diversity and tolerance are critical components of the LGBT civil rights movement -- that we should openly accept those LGBT people who are "flamboyant" and in-your-face because they are the ones who suffer most at the hands of society.
Zach may not have been brainwashed. But, he was taught how to be a conformist, to assimilate to the straight lifestyle, and be intolerant of those who don't.