Not All Gay Couples Cheering Connecticut Civil Unions
(Hartford, Connecticut) When Connecticut’s civil unions law comes into effect at midnight the LGBT rights group that successfully fought for the law will celebrate with a party, but not all same-sex couples in the state are cheering.
Many gay and lesbian couples say civil unions are a sham and only marriage will do. One couple, John de la Roche and Michael Hargrave say they’ll boycott the party sponsored by Love Makes a Family.
“I cannot force myself to go and dance at this. I just think it’s really insulting that we have to sit in the back of the bus,” said de la Roche who has been in a relationship with Hargrave for 13 years. (source)
In one hour and thirty-three minutes, Kent and I would be able to get a Connecticut “civil union”. That gives us most of the rights and privileges of marriage within the State of Connecticut.
Awww, that’s the important part. When we go to the state of New York, we are, once again, “legal strangers”. Is that all we want... most of the rights of marriage?
The Federal Government will not extend any rights what so ever to this “civil union” that the State of Connecticut is still congratulating itself over, for coming up with the notion that we are now an enlightened state which stands for equality.
It’s all bullshit. This civil union that Connecticut is so graciously going to allow us to have, is a worthless piece of shit that isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
It is an insult to the core nature of what we are, as a couple. It is an insult to my people. In shows that America is a second class nation because it allows for second class citizens. This isn’t freedom. This isn’t equality. And this sure as hell isn’t the America I thought I was living in.
Why people are celebrating this is disgusting to me. They are having a party to celebrate the fact that they are about to sign up for something that isn’t even close to marriage. And while they are signing this civil union document, they might also want to remember that within that same civil union law that supposedly makes them more equal, is a DOMA stating that “marriage” is only between “one man and one woman”.
Does this mean nothing?
People are stupid. When I talked with my lawyer earlier this week about the legal documents we just drafted to try to secure some of the protections of marriage, she mentioned to me that many couples signing up for this civil union do not even understand what they are getting in to.
What if they move away and gain residence in another state? There will be no way to dissolve this civil union because it’s not recognized by any other state. Connecticut will not dissolve it because they will no longer have residency in the State of Connecticut.
Connecticut, on the other hand, will recognize civil unions from Vermont and California, but we will not recognize the marriages that gay couples have from Massachusetts. Think about that one for a minute. These are REAL MARRIAGES from our neighboring state, and we won’t recognize them because our new civil union law, the one everyone is partying about tonight, contains language defining marriage as between one man and one woman. Thank you Governor Rell for that one!
My lawyer also mentioned another couple who were very excited about getting a civil union. One of them is in the military. Guess what? If they get the civil union, they have just violated Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. So, by trying to gain some of the rights of marriage, they will be discharged from the military. Good deal, huh?
You know, the longer I live, the more I start realizing that marriage itself is so full of political bullshit that it is itself becoming worthless. It is a club that is enjoyed only by the chosen ones. You know, the people who get married because they are so fucking in love they can’t breath without the assistance of each other, only to get a divorce three years later? Yeah, those people are the chosen ones. Not people like Kent or myself who have gone through so much crap in the last thirty years that it would make most people give up.
And because of all of this, the golden question is this; IF I live long enough to actually be able to marry the man I love so deeply, will I even want marriage any more?
Perhaps most of us don’t deserve anything better than a civil union. Tonight, somewhere in this state, they, my people, are having a party to celebrate being second class, to celebrate the privilege of being able to drink from the black water fountain, the privilege of being able to ride in the back of the bus.
We have nothing. We have gained nothing. Yes, I’ve received all the invitations to attend the party they are having tonight.
I personally would rather drink acid.
People ask me where I’ve been. Why I haven’t been blogging more, or as much as I used too. The fact is, it’s too damn depressing. The country I live in is going to hell. It has absolute disregard for what people like us go through and worry about day in and day out. I write about what is going on with me, Kent, and my world. I just can’t do that anymore, because to a large extent, I no longer care that much what happens in the world any longer.
Some would call that depression. Some would call it apathy. It’s a survival technique. I care about what will make me happy now. And declaring myself second class with this civil union will not help in that regard.
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I suppose on one level you are right, DJ. It is a way, perhaps the only way many couples have, to express publicly that they have a bond - a special bond.
My frustration is actually not with them, so much. My frustration is that the state I live in thinks that it has done this wonderful and great thing for "gay couples", so now, we can go on about our business. Never mind all the gays who are beaten up or murdered from homophobia. Never mind all the gays who are disinherited from their families. Never mind those of us who have lost jobs just for having the courage to NOT lie to the boss when he asks you if you are a "fag".
It's as if the state is saying, "Look, we threw you a bone to make it all better. BUT, don't push your luck. Don't assume for one minute that this thing we have so graciously given you, out of the goodness of our hearts, is equal to what WE have, because "WE" does not include "YOU", and IT NEVER WILL." That's my beef with the state. It's simply not enough. Nothing less than full equality will do it.
As for gay couples getting a civil union, I admit that I get impatient with people who are rushing into this civil union, as though it's the greatest thing that ever happened to them. In some cases, I'm sure that's true. If you are a young gay couple, it may be the only thing that you've had power over in respect to forming your family. I can respect that. And for couples like that, who may be threatened by their families in one form or another, the civil union would probably (nothing in this civil union is tested in court) have some legal protections for those couples, as long as they don't leave the state.
But it honestly breaks my heart that they don't want more... no, that they don't DEMAND more than that for themselves.
And, I have to be honest about this. It would have made a huge statement if no one had signed up for a civil union. Huge. Will Connecticut be another Vermont? Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened in Vermont in regards to moving forward towards marriage. No one wants to talk about it there - it's a taboo subject. Mike Lawlor, one of the sponsors of the CT civil union bill promised me personally that he himself will introduce a full marriage bill next year. I told Mike, "That's fine. And do you really think you will have the votes to pull it off?" We will see.
What the state will take away from this is that we were easily satisfied with being second class. And the day that we let that happen, we ARE second class.
I'm not saying, and never have claimed, that marriage was the model that we should strive for. With a divorce rate of 55%, I don't think that anyone would argue that marriage is all that great a standard. Kent and I both realize that what we have goes beyond anything marriage could bring to the table.
But, marriage is what is established in our society and it carries with it substantial legal powers that simply only exist with marriage. And, it's portable from state to state, and to most countries. Our Connecticut civil unions are good in... Connecticut. Woo Hoo!!
I guess I am an activist after all. And here, all this time, I just thought I was trying to have fairness for my community. But so many in my community won't back me on this.
I completely understand what you are saying in this entry, and I agree that civil unions are a second class, back-of-the-bus arrangement. However, many gay people have been taught that "marriage" or a formalized, recognized relationship is the ultimate relationship. Those that make the choice to have a civil union with their partners may be doing it out of love, to demonstrate the deep feelings and courage that exists in their heart.
I know you think on more levels than most people do, and that's why I read your blog. I empathize with your frustration and anger about this situation. But not every LGBT person who has a civil union will be doing it out of stupidity.
Darence,
There are some things in life that you do not compromise on. One is your integrity. The integrity of any relationship, be it gay or straight, depends on the importance that you put on that relationship.
If our relationship is good enough for a "civil union", then I have just defined it as less than that of a "marriage".
Do you really think we should settle for that and accept that this is "the best we can hope for" at this time, just because the majority of people think that we should only have civil unions, or nothing at all?
Would you sell your sole to the devil so that today you can have this sham of a marriage (civil union) that is only worth "most" of what marriage is, but only if you stay in one small area (Connecticut), just for the sake of saying that you "have something" that law recognizes - even if it doesn't really amount to a lot?
So, to answer your question, "But, I am thinking, isn't civil union better than nothing at all?", no, civil union is worse than nothing at all.
When we had nothing, we weren't second class. We simply weren't recognized by the state at all as having a relationship.
Now, the state has officially recognized us as second class, and not deserving of marriage. That's a big difference than having nothing at all. How on earth can I celebrate that and sign up for a civil union. How would I be able to look at myself in a mirror and say, "My relationship to Kent has integrity because I just signed a document that told me that marriage is between "one man and one woman"?
I understand where you are coming from. . . and I know it sucked. . .
But, I am thinking, isn't civil union better than nothing at all? I am not saying you should be content with civil union, but think of it as trying to jump over a wide raging river(almost close to no chance of making it across in one jump), civil union being the stepping stone in the middle of the water. . . by landing on this piece of "rock" first, you can regain your footing and strength to make it across towards marriage more easily. . .
Just my thought. . .
Cheers and be gay,
D.
I salute you for recognizing the 'civil union' sham for what it is. Hold out for real marriage. We deserve no less.