New Year's Resolutions
I’m in Yuma, Arizona spending Christmas in a much warmer climate. It was clear yesterday and reached 83 degrees. That’s not bad since the climate is very dry. It did seem strange to me to wear a short sleeved shirt on Christmas Day.
I’m basically having a good time. Yes, I’ve been on line, but have opted not to say much. I still surf the Internet. I still see all the injustices that people face. Do I write about them? Do I try to show that at least one person in the world (me) cares about the injustices that people face? Or, will I be accused yet again of “whining”? (see resolutions # 3 & 7)
I’m also wondering how much longer I will be coming to Arizona - a state that also has an issue with the idea of two gay people being a couple. As I’ve said in the past, I will not support a business, organization, or a state that has an issue with my marriage to Kent. But it’s more than that. We have spent money drafting up papers trying to be extremely specific about our relationship and intentions, in legal terms. We have gone to a lawyer who specializes in the law, specifically for gay couples. The documents take existing benefits given to straight married people through being married, and tries to make it very specific about the intentions of the two people involved in the relationship. And the 60 million dollar question is, will it be enough?
In Connecticut, perhaps it will be. But everything our lawyer has drawn up is not “portable”; it does not go from state to state. The concepts of what the documents are saying are universal, but a state can opt to ignore those concepts. Our lawyer made it very clear that when we travel to another state and are in an accident, we can scream and shout about not having hospital visitation and all the rest, but it is really up to the state we are in if they want to honor anything on the legal papers that we present. In other words, the papers don’t carry much weight in a state that gives no weight to our relationship, or to those people who see our relationship as being sinful. Arizona has made it clear that they fall into that category even though, at this point in time, they at least haven’t codified that into their constitution. But, they are talking about doing that.
So I have a few “New Year’s Resolutions” that I think I will agree to. Here they are.
1) Try to think less about all the “what ifs” that would happen to us if one of us becomes ill or is in an accident. Maybe by the time that happens, people will value people more and not be complete moralistic jerks about the whole thing. Let’s roll the dice and maybe we’ll be lucky.
2) Don’t assume those who say they are “friends” really are friends. Sometimes, it’s not a bad thing to cut people lose who claim to be your friend.
3) Mom always told me, “YOU be the example”. Mom, I have been and will continue to be “the example”. I will continue to be compassionate towards people and to fight against every single impulse in my body that tells me that people in general are worthless, self-serving beings not worthy of one second of my time. And even though they want me to have no recognition of the most important thing in my life, I will try my best not to hate their guts for it. That’s about as good as I can do at this point in time. This is personal. This is very personal.
4) I will be more cautious of who I offer friendship too. This means that I will continue to value friendship as something very special and precious. And this year, I have to recognize that most people are simply not worthy of the friendship I offer.
5) Do not trust the government to be able to do anything. They are driven by only their own self-serving interests (i.e. making money). If, along the way, they actually do something that helps people, it’s a side effect of that action, not a cause of any intentional action taken by the current administration. I didn’t vote for the bastard, so I think that gives me ample leverage to bitch and moan.
6) To the rest of the people of the world who’s families we have destroyed through the actions of the United States, I’m sorry. Not all Americans are complete assholes - just most of us. I am sorry that we killed your children and destroyed your homes. I am sorry that we came into your country, tore the hell out of it, and then opened it up to U.S. contractors who were very interested in reaping the profits of the war we waged upon you. You paid for the democracy (our brand of democracy) that we are giving you. I hope that you can live with it better than I’m living with it. In our own country, it’s not that democratic.
7) I love my family. I am more committed to that than ever. Everything I read tells me that more and more people in society are more comfortable with people like me. Who the fuck cares? I don’t give a rats ass if they are more comfortable with me or not. I’m not here to give credence to what a wonderful person they are because they have tolerance for me. I’m bitter and pissed off. Resolution # 7 is to accept those feelings and to understand that at best, most all of America barely tolerates gays. If I’m lucky, I would like to get to a point that I honestly don’t give a shit about that fact. Unfortunately, some part of me still cares about that.
8) To all the Christians out there (yes, every fucking last one of you who makes time in your everyday life to pass judgment upon people like me), get over it. I’m sick and tired of you taking one little verse in the Bible condemning homosexuality (Old Testament), and ignoring every thing you do in your life that goes against all the other list of “sins” the Bible very clearly spells out, that you conveniently ignore. You might want to consider the fact that homosexuality was so important to Jesus, that he never once spoke against it - NOT ONCE.
To all of you Christians, I’ve had enough. I simply, in all honesty, hate your guts. Yes, I know, hating your guts is yet another “sin” against me, but I think that you trying to strip away any recognition of my personal relationship with my life partner is at least worth a pout, don’t you? So resolution # 8 is for ME to become more tolerant and comfortable of YOU. But that’s not up to me. It’s easier for me to simply despise what you stand for (the destruction of my family) and to tell you all to go to Hell. Resolution # 8 is to try to open myself to tolerance if any of you decide to truly accept my family (BIG FUCKING IF), but I’m the better person for it. The Lord’s Prayer says, “...and forgive those who trespass against us.” Well, until you all started passing constitutional amendments banning my family from being legally recognized in marriage or even a “civil union”, I was willing to try to do that. Not any more. Forgiveness now will have to be earned.
And the “gay agenda” that you love to push out there as your loaded phrase du jour, is an agenda that talks of respect, tolerance, and something that you seem to truly lack; LOVE. My “gay agenda” is to be equal to you. I’m not asking to be better than you. I’m not asking for your forgiveness for anything. I’m not asking for more rights or privileges than you enjoy. I’m not asking to be able to marry a goat or a horse. My “gay agenda” is demanding equality, respect, and dignity. And how the hell do you turn the argument of me being able to marry my partner into one of bestiality? Some of you are pretty damned warped.
The Christian Agenda has been made painfully obvious. You started out by bitching about how allowing gay couples to marry would destroy the “sanctity of marriage”, completely ignoring the fact that gays have had nothing what so ever to do with what you have done to marriage. Come on guys, a 55% divorce rate, and you have the gall to say that gays will ruin marriage! Unbelievable.
So what do you do? You start pushing for state constitutional amendments that will prevent gay couples from ever achieving marriage in a state by state basis. But wait! There’s more! You don’t stop there. As long as you are at it, you also stick in language such as “this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” In other words, you prevent us from even having all the benefits of marriage by forming civil unions. That is your agenda - to make sure that we ride in the back of the bus. Actually, in this case, we have to walk since we aren’t even allowed to get on the bus, as we would get nothing at all. Now that’s Christian love for you.
A final thought on Christians... You have a lot of hate and meanness in your hearts and you are masters at wrapping that crap up and labeling it as “Christian Love”... “hate the sin, love the sinner” bullshit. My message to you is, take your love and shove it, because THAT IS NOT LOVE and if I were you, I’d start being a bit more careful what you freely do in the name of God.
I leave you with two thoughts. The first one is this...
“I don’t really want to do it. They always define it as coming out of the closet, but I don’t consider myself to be out of the closet. Where I live, you can’t really go out and be yourself. You couldn’t go out together, two guys, as a couple and ever be accepted. It wasn’t accepted in the past, it’s still not, and I don’t think it ever will be.” (source)
That is what you have done to us. I wish in this life or the next life, the same for you.
And finally....
Have a Merry Christmas Happy Holiday.
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I realize that Brandi means well with her statement, but it shows the same type of prejudice that African-Americans dealt with during their (unfortunately ongoing) civil right struggles.
Let me be specific. Brandi wrote:
"There are some, though maybe few and far between that accept your lifestyle, such as I."
1) It isn't a "lifestyle" or a "choice" -- we were born this way.
2) Who in the hell needs your acceptance? We don't want an invitation to your backyard BBQ. Just leave us the hell alone and stop discriminating against us. Speak up when you see us being treated unfairly.
Brandi isn't quite as bad as the bigots who call you "faggot" to your face. But, she has a superior attitude and thinks that she's being magnanimous in granting us permission to exist in her world.
In response to a gesture like that, all I have to offer is a big "F YOU!"
Brandi,
I know that not ALL Christians are that way - intolerant. That is why I conditioned the statement to say:
"To all the Christians out there (yes, every fucking last one of you who makes time in your everyday life to pass judgment upon people like me)..."
That being said, the COMPLETE ARGUMENT AGAINST GAY COUPLES BEING ABLE TO MARRY IS BASED ON RELIGION. So, if there are that many Christians who believe we should be able to marry, where the hell are they? Why don't we hear from them?
This is a time when we are fighting for basic civil rights - the right not to have to sit in the back of the bus for being a second-class citizen. And what do we get continuously thrown in our face? That we (committed gay couples) will ruin the "santity of marriage", despite the fact that those saying this have been married, and remarried, and remarried, and remarried, time and time again. That is their "santity of marriage" that they are trying to protect ON RELIGIOUS GROUNDS? They have to defend their position on religious grounds because, in the civil arena of what is "fair" from a legal point of view, there is no reason what so ever to discriminate against gay couples.
So yes, I've had it with religion. I've had it with Christians who say they have no problem with gay couples getting married, yet go to church Sunday after Sunday and sit in the pews silently while they are told that we (gay couples) threaten one of the very building blocks of modern civilization - Marriage - AND THEY SIT SILENTLY AND SAY NOTHING AGAINST THIS.
If you sit silently and do nothing, you are part of the problem. I actually know some heterosexual couples who were going to get married but have decided that they will not get married until gay couples are also allowed to get married because they wanted to show their support to this issue and didn't want to feel like hypocrits.
I'm beyond praying about this, because I don't have time. I turned 51 this year, and while most people are getting into marriages that have no chance in hell of working (and they know this), Kent and I have proven that ours does work. We went to Arizona for Christmas and what was foremost on our minds is the fact that if we were in an accident, it is unlikely that either one of us will be able to make medical decisions for the other, and that scares the living Hell out of us. After being together for 31 years, we should not have to worry about this kind of crap. And the reason we have to worry about this kind of crap is because Christians all over the country are worried that people like us (Kent and I) are going to ruin the "santity of marriage". Give me a break.
So, I would like the Christians to see us, as a couple, and tell me to my face again, why it is that we cannot go to our town clerk and apply for a marriage license.
Not all Christians are "assholes," or "fucked up." There are some, though maybe few and far between that accept your lifestyle, such as I. So please don't place this "Christian," in that category.
Well, I am grateful that there are people out there who do understand and I'm really very grateful for friends like you. I want to address each one of you, as I have something to say to each of you, if I may.
Dave,
I do realize that what I said in this entire entry sounds like a rant. I guess it is, but there's more to it. America is losing it's very belief system. The Judiciary Branch of our government is under severe attack. Any judge who passes any judgment against what the Christian Right believe (and that includes our beloved President), is immediately labeled an "activist judge". Does anyone really know what that means? It's a phrase they coined to simply mean that if a judge votes in favor of anything they disagree with on moral grounds, is an activist judge.
They take an issue that they feel most Americans agree with (homosexuality) and try to tell Americans that if gays are able to marry, it will be the end of America. Trust me on this - THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HOMOSEXUALITY! That is the first topic they have chosen because for them, it is the easiest to achieve.
The next issue (which is currently in progress) will be to place judges in the Supreme Court that will vote their way. The next issue will be issues such as end of life decisions (remember what they tried with Terry Schiavo? The President even made a special trip back to Washington, D.C. from Crawford, Texas, to be available to sign legislation that would prevent the hospital from removing her from life support), and reproductive rights.
In other words, they are using a "hot topic" issue (with most Americans), such as homosexuality to put everything in place.
I bitch and moan about all of this from a very personal level because I happen to be gay and yes, as you put it, I feel that I am running out of time with much of this. I no longer feel that I will have any rights at all over how my life will end (with my partner by my side), what will happen to my home (will my family come in and claim "my half" of everything, which a close family member has told me they are planning to do)... it goes on and on, and yes, I'm scared about it. I shouldn't have to worry about this shit. I shouldn't have to worry if my will and end of life documents will be enough since Kent and I are "legal strangers".
So yes, on a personal level, I'm scared and concerned. But if America doesn't wake up and start to think about what is taking place and deal with these people appropriately, we are going to end up a theocracy governed by biblical law. If you think I'm exaggerating, can you find where the line is between church and state anymore? Look carefully, because every time the President talks about and funds another fucking "faith-based initiative", that line gets thinner and thinner. That crap has no business what so ever being involved in government.
Churches should be able to do their good deeds without being politically involved and having politicians in their back pockets.
Mary,
I have actually been reading Jimmy Carter's book, "Our Endangered Values, America's Moral Crisis." It's a hard book to put down. I got into it and said to my self, "My God, he understands it!", and I really didn't think he would. He's very religious, but he understands the role of religion in the context of America.
He's a bit cloudy on the civil union part and what he feels will work. I can punch a bunch of holes in his logic, but you know, I wouldn't totally expect him to understand the issue to the level I do. I'm sure he hasn't thought about it to the depth I have because I'm facing an uncertain future in terms of my personal security. In essence, he feels that gays should be given civil unions, but marriage should be reserved for straight couples. He doesn't address the second class standing that would create, or the issues of portability of that union (does he feel the civil union should be honored at the Federal level as well - where all the really "big ticket items" are?). Perhaps he doesn't address it because he feels that it's simply beyond America right now to understand it.
My feeling is, America does understand it and they really do want gays to have nothing - no marriage, or civil unions.
Of course, not all of America would agree with that. But the side that is winning the big battle that will in one way or another end up effecting 90% of all of us in one way or the other, believes it.
Right now, I honestly feel that Christians are like Nazis. No, I'm not exaggerating or being sensational. This is exactly how I feel. This is how it all started in Germany. And this is where America is headed. When they are done with the gays, they will move on to.... women, I suppose.
I want to thank you for your words of encouragement. They mean a great deal to me, as your friendship does!
Fritz,
I'm honestly overjoyed for you my friend. I too have had breakthroughs like you described and they can seem to be truly miraculous. I don't know your father, but I have found in my personal experience, that many times, people change their thinking when they reach that age. I believe that people develop in stages. That has been the case with me. It sounds as if you father has been thinking about this for a very very long time (years) and has finally realized that he has a son who has integrity and guts. Who the hell wouldn't be proud of that?
I hope that it continues and that you will be able to grow in your new relationship with him. I think that it is quite astounding that he is so very open about you getting married AND adopting. I'm not sure how I would handle that either, but I would think it would feel like coming out of the closet all over again. You get so used to not being accepted all these years for being gay, then, over night, you have not only acceptance, but an embracing of everything that you are.
You have spent a long time trying to deal with that, and you have. Now, can you accept the fact that your father fully accepts you?
My brother wanted to be close to me. He tried and tried. I was distant to him. He finally confronted me about it. I told him, "For years, I've built walls around myself for one purpose - to keep you and people like you out! And now, over night, you expect me to tear them all down?"
We have reconciled, but it wasn't easy. It took me a long time to trust and everything in me told me not too take the chance. It was my defense mechanism kicking in, and I'm glad in this case that I was able to overcome it.
If acceptance is true and genuine, it's always worth letting into your life.
I just returned from Arizona, too. I spent the weekend with my dad and his wife in Sun City West near Phoenix. It was 80 degrees and beautiful.
Something wonderful happened while I was there. My dad opened up to me about my being gay for the first time. He's always had very conservative political and religious views. Although he has always been respectful, he's never voiced open support. He and his wife belong to an evangelical Christian church.
On Christmas Day, Dad tearfully announced that he's changed his mind about homosexuality. He no longer believes that it is a choice or a sin.
Then, the old man went further and completely blew my mind by suggesting that I find a husband and consider adopting before I get too much older because he'd like to see me raise some grandchildren! I really didn't know how to react to this -- other than get choked up and cry (I'm tearing up just writing this).
Bill, I'm sharing this because I left Arizona filled with more optimism than I've had in years. If my dad can do a turnaround like this at 72, there is hope.
Bill: I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I just read a review on Jimmy Carter's new book, "Our Endangered Values, America's Moral Crisis," and I think it would be worth reading. He talks about how evangelical Christians - in particular the Southern Baptists - have hijacked Christianity, and made it about single issues like abortion and homosexuality rather than goodness and mercy, which he believes is what Christianity is about. It's been on the NYTimes Bestseller list for weeks. It appears to me that things are finally moving in the right direction, and I hope for both your and the world's sake, that 2006 is going to be a much better year than 2005. Take care.
Bill - I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. What sounds like a rant is really reasonable.
I understand the rage all too well. While there was gradual and painfully slow progress toward equality and 'humanization' of gays over the 30 year span from the late 60's to the late 90's, things are definitely now moving backwards. So many states have passed constitutional amendments to force permanent second class citizenship on gays, it is absolutely infuriating. As you get older you realize that time is running out, and that these little undereducated hate filled weasels will probably succeed in screwing up your ENTIRE life. 10, 20 years ago, there was still hope. There was still time, and despite the glacial pace, there was progress. Now, time grows short, and we're heading in the wrong direction, making the simple goal of equality (or as the ChristiaNazi's call it 'Special Rights') seems to fade into that same unattainable fantasy fog as 'world peace'.
To these little fascist storm troopers who call themselves Christian - you are about as anti-Christ as anyone on the planet. You should call yourselves "Fallewellian" or "Robertsonian" because assigning "Christian" to your hateful lives is blasphemy.
Regarldess, from one sub-human to another - Happy Holidays!