Staying In Safe Territory
Psychiatrist Charles W. Socarides, one of the most dedicated enemies of gay rights in recent decades, has died at Metropolitan Hospital Center in Manhattan, the New York Times reported.
Socarides helped found the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, an organization dedicated to the premise that homosexuality can, and should, be cured through therapy. The 83-year-old psychiatrist and professor died Sunday; the cause was heart failure, his wife, Clare, said.
Socarides was also the father of Richard Socarides, a gay rights activist who served as President Clinton’s liaison to the LGBT community from 1995 to 1999. Richard Socarides told the Times that his relationship with his father was “complex,” and that it survived because both men steered clear of the subject of homosexuality. (source)
There are many people like Charles Socarides in this world. We all know that. There are people who, no matter how hard we try, just will never understand us. Gay people know that. Many of us spend years living deep in the closet from our families, just to try to have some form of acceptance. That comes at a heavy price. Many will, in later years, regret the wasted years they spent living in the image of someone else. They usually look back with regret that the people who supposedly loved them most, never really knew them. But, there was peace in the family. But was there love? I mean real love? The kind of love that will survive anything? I chose long ago that if people liked or disliked me, they would at least know what they felt about the real me.
I’m talking in generalities here. I use the example of being gay in a family that most likely would not accept it. I spent years listening to “fag jokes” told by members of my family. Would they have told the jokes had they known I was gay? I would like to think they wouldn’t have. Later, when they found out I was gay, many stopped communications altogether. There is really nothing I can do about that. I live in the real world and let me tell you, that too comes with a heavy price tag. But at least, it’s a cost that I think I can afford. We all have things like this in our lives and in our families. Every family has these issues to deal with.
Kent and I are “out” to our family. In fact, there is no one left in our lives that we aren’t “out” to. Yet, every once in awhile, even though everyone knows and supposedly accepts us, something will be said that is insulting and demeaning. I don’t wish to go into the details because it is not my intention of hurting someone that I have come to care about. And, the remark was not made to cause hurtful feelings. But sometimes, it simply is easier to avoid talking about certain subjects.
Still, one cannot help but wonder, if they really want to know you and who you are, should the topic(s) of what you are and what is going on in your life be filtered and sanitized? How healthy is that and, is that acceptance? There’s a saying that says, “Anything less than the truth is a lie.” Can anything less than full acceptance be labeled as intolerance? We all have these issues in our lives I suppose. We all want to live up to some ideal for the people who matter in our lives. But shouldn’t the reverse also be true?
We leave Yuma tomorrow to return home. And every year I say the same thing, “I don’t think I will ever return.” Then, I calm down, and try to find a middle ground. I suppose I do it because at the end of the day, the truth remains that many of us have few years left. What ever differences we have now and what ever hurtful feelings we hold today, the negative reactions we take today as a result of those feelings could be looked back upon with regret in years to come. There’s no way to take that back.
So, it would seem that I’ve become somewhat of a pragmatist. If someone has lived to be in their 70’s or 80’s, as Charles Socarides did, there’s probably little you are going to be able to do to change their fundamental opinions on most issues in life. But we can hope.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Staying In Safe Territory.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://billandkent.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1819
9 Comments
Leave a comment
Fritz,
You AND your father haven't aged a bit!
Fritz, that's a totally awesome photo of you and your Dad. It shows a lot of personality in both of you. I'm so happy that both of your paths have finally crossed in life.
I think all of us change with time. I'm sure that, given life's experiences, the youth that were rude to me will someday find themselves in the same situation. I don't blame them for their reaction to me. It's just a bit frustrating is all. And, as you said, there is a lot of very self-destructive behavior in your LGBT youth. I could write a book on the "why" of it all and why they put so little value on important things, such as their health and taking care of themselves, but who would listen?
I volunteered at my local LGBT center for a few years. They had a very good youth program and I answered phones and worked the reception desk a couple nights a week.
I found that most of the young guys were eager to talk to me. Often, they would try to shock me with tales about their partying and drug (ab)use. I tried to give them advise -- but, they rarely listened. I think that is typical of all young people, not just LGBT youth.
I would like to think that just knowing me was a positive experience for them. They were able to see that being gay didn't stop me from being successful and happy. And, I actually enjoyed showing my disapproval when the kids told me about things like taking ecstacy and barebacking. I acted as if it were the first time I'd ever heard of those things -- I'm a good actor. It is probably as close as I'll ever come to parenting.
My most frustrating experience with the younger generation was this summer when a young guy acting as spokesperson for our local Gay Pride event told the press that our pride was different because we don't allow "flamboyant gays and overt sexuality" at the event. I just couldn't get him to understand that the point behind Gay Pride is to stand up for those very things! Arrrrrrgh!
Anyway, I thought you'd like to see a photo of me and my dad that was taken on Christmas.
Dad is 72 and I'm 45. We've just recently started to click -- our phone conversations can last hours. A few years ago, he could barely stand being in the same room with me.
Maybe that 20-something who was so rude to you will have have a change in attitude in 20 years or so.
Yes, I read it while out in Arizona. I can't tell you how many times that I've tried reaching out to gay youth only to be dismissed as some "old has-been" who "knows nothing", or they see me as an older gay man trying to hook up with a young guy.
That is one thing that I truly regret about our community. We are ultra conscious about young beautiful guys at the expense of everything else. It seems to be a big part of the gay male culture. From my point of view, I see us as being very diverse, but if you look at any Atlantis Cruise ad, you will only find guys with a 32" waist line (or less), most with shirts off sporting their sculptured abs. As long as the majority of our community places a greater importance on that than equality (I assume we do - the marketing people for the cruise lines think that is what will get us to buy cruise tickets), we will never be united in our fight for equality. And quite honestly, one of my frustrations with much of the gay youth is that they don't understand why people like me are so hung up on marriage. I'm hung up on it because I want them to have it all.
I was in a bar in New Orleans a few years ago. A couple of young gay men came into the bar. I would guess that they were in their early 20's. They went to the juke box and selected some music. I liked it and asked one of them what was playing. They both looked at me with a LOT of judgment and attitude and said, "You don't know who (whoever the artist was) is?!!?", as though I was from Mars. I answered, "No. Does she know me?"
It honestly pissed me off. It was a simple question and I was trying to be friendly and to cross that forbidden border of younger gays and older gays. Basically, it was thrown back in my face.
I have come to realize that many of my negative experiences from my past are becoming less common in today's world for gay youth. That's a good thing. I suppose I can understand why they feel they have nothing to learn from someone like me, which is fine. Their world today is very different from what I grew up with. The very idea of having a gay-straight alliance in my high school would have been impossible to even mention. They believe that when gay bashings occur that the police will do something about it (as they should), and not just sweep the crime under the carpet, as has happened with many of these crimes in the past.
The problem is, I do want to help and be there to support them, but it's a very difficult thing to reach out to anyone who doesn't feel they need that connection to the past.
It was interesting. When I read the article, I immediately thought of being in New Orleans. The attitude that those two young men had towards me is the epitome of the great divide that separates the generations in our community today.
I forgot the link to the PDF of the report...
http://www.iglss.org/media/files/Angles_81.pdf
It is only 8 pages and well worth the read.
Bill, you'll be interested in this...
http://www.ebar.com/news/article.php?sec=news&article=480
Study looks at the 'gay generation gap'
By by Katya Kumkova-Wolpert
LGBT youth and older adults don't do well at communicating their experiences to each other, according to a report published by the Institute for Gay and Lesbian Strategic Studies this month.
"It's hard for someone from today's generation to imagine a time when the psychological institutions had not been declassified, so we were considered crazy," said Glenda Russell, 56, a San Francisco-based psychologist who co-authored the report. "And it's hard for us to imagine a time where all of Hollywood is abuzz about a gay movie [like Brokeback Mountain]."
"The Gay Generation Gap: Communicating Across the LGBT Generational Divide" was released last week by the Massachusetts-based Institute for Gay and Lesbian Strategic Studies. Members of the institute's Youth and Education Project have also sent out press releases to community centers and LGBT organizations nationwide. They are hoping to start a dialogue that will strengthen the overall LGBT community, said research director Lee Badgett.
"A lot of the leadership of the LGBT people is getting older," said Badgett, 45, in reference to the baby boom generation. "Young LGBT people have become more visible. And I think adults want to talk about it."
Russell and co-author Janis Bohan, 60, looked to anthropologist Margaret Mead as a model for the kind of misunderstandings that take place when social change happens quickly, as it has in the last four decades for the LGBT community.
They also interviewed more than 100 students, teachers, parents, and allies working on LGBT youth issues in the past decade for the report. According to Bohan, they found that some elders want to assume youngsters face the same kind of abuse that was prevalent 30 or 40 years ago...
Jeff,
I very much appreciate your comment and what you are going through. As I was reading your comment and you mentioned that you went to knowthyneighbor.org, I anticipated what you were going to say and said to myself, "I'm sure that since their neighbors know Jeff and Matthew, they would not find their names on the list." I guess it goes to show you that you can never assume anything about people and that you can never fully assume that those who support your marriage, really do. So yes, I was disappointed to read that people you thought were supportive of you may not be.
I think Fritz makes some excellent points. It is well known that some fraud was involved in the collection of the names on the petition. We have all read about that fiasco. In my opinion, in light of this being a known fact, the Attorney General of the State of Massachusetts (Tom Reilly - phone number 617-727-2200) should have completely voided the petition drive, because, at that point, you really don't know which signatures are valid and which were tricked into signing the petition.
The other issue that Fritz brings up is one of peer pressure - that of being in a church with people you know who are signing the petition around you. My understanding is that most of these signatures were obtained in churches with priests and pastors asking their masses to sign the petitions from the pulpit (another issue that should be looked into which could effect the tax exempt status of the church for being politically active). You don't want to look like you support gay marriage in front of those who are rabidly against it, so you sign it. In other words, you sell out your friends (along with your integrity).
I have much less tolerance for that kind of crap. But I also realize that I am unusual in that respect. If I look you in the eye and tell you how I feel, you can bet your life that I'm not bullshitting you and you can take it to the bank.
If I knew for a fact that someone I thought supported my marriage had signed the petition, I would end that friendship/relationship/association. Not out of spite, but simply because I feel they have shown their true colors - how much can they be trusted at that point?
I have had friends who have told me that they "had no problem" with our relationship. But, they are also extremely devout Catholics. So, I'm very cautious. I don't let them into my circle of friends because I don't feel they can be trusted. This my friend is where America is at in this point in time.
I also realize that some of this is "my baggage". I care deeply about my friends and I tend to be very protective of them. I also believe this petition will ultimately go no where. It will be the same as the petition drive in Maine. There, people saw the amendment to strip away protections for gay people from being fired, denied housing, etc., as being very mean spirited. I suspect the same will happen in Massachusetts. After all, the petition the voters will see will not only end marriage specifically for gay couples, but also disallow civil unions. My hope is that the voters of Mass. will see this for what it is, intolerance at it's very best. And there have also been others like yourself who have been shocked to learn that some of the names on the petition are from people they know. The worst enemy this petition has working against it is people like you and Matthew, who have set the example.
You should indeed be very proud of that. I certainly am proud to call you my friends.
By all means, let's talk in the next few days. I would love to catch up.
Jeff, you should consider the following possiblities:
1) Your neighbors were lied to when they signed the petition. Some paid petition gatherers will say anything to get people to sign.
2) Your neighbors could have had a petition thrust at them at church and put on the spot. They may not have been strong enough to object in front of their fellow church members.
3) Your neighbors may not have read or understood what they were signing.
So, the congratulations could have been very sincere. Their signing could having been the result of ignorance, peer pressure, or deception rather than meanness.
Bill,
Thought I would add my two cents worth.
As I am sure you are aware, an organization called the Massachusetts Family Institute has gathered enough signatures to force a vote in the legislature to overturn the courts ruling on same sex marriage.
Another organization called knowthyneighbor.org has posted the names of all those who signed the petition. So being the good neighbors we are, Matthew and I looked to see who on our street and in our neighborhood had signed the petition.
Sadly, we discovered that some of the very people who congratulated us when we got married were also signers of this petition. My feeling is that I should no longer give these people the time of day. Am I to believe that they were happy for us but the rest of "us" can go to hell when it comes to enjoying the same rights that heterosexuals have? Or were they simply being polite when they offered their congratulations?
I have not decided how I will respond to them as yet. Will I just ignore them until they question why or will I confront them for their obvious false congratulations? I don't know. Funny thing is, I have been married for a year and a half and haven't told my father yet. My mother has passed away so I am sure she knows....if you believe in life after life on earth. I am not ashamed of who I am but why I have not told my father I don't really understand. :-(
On a much happier note.....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I will call you.