The Journey to 'Brokeback'
Based on an Annie Proulx’s short story, “Brokeback Mountain” is about two cowboys who meet and fall in love while wrangling sheep in Wyoming in 1963. Their love lasts through two decades as they each get married to women and live “normal” lives. (source)
What they are saying about Brokeback Mountain...
Moving and majestic - The New York Times
An American masterpiece - New York Observer
Unmissable and unforgettable. A landmark film. ...with the rise of homophobia as church and state shout down gay marriage, the film is up against it. - Rolling Stone
Is America ready for Marlboro men who love men? - The Wall Street Journal
In today’s climate, a sweeping romantic epic about two men in love is historic, but when we look back in 20 or 30 years ’Brokeback Mountain’ will simply be considered a classic, timeless love story. - Damon Romine, a spokesman for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance against Defamation
Now, through movies like Brokeback Mountain, Hollywood is shedding light on the fact that not all gay men are fashion gurus, hair dressers, interior designers and superior in the arts. Some might be — God forbid — cowboys herding sheep in Wyoming. And, more importantly, capable of love-based relationships. - Chron.com
I can’t wait to see Brokeback Mountain when it comes out. My only hesitation is reliving some of my experiences from my childhood. I have had my share of crushes on my friends as a child. Some were more serious than others, but in all cases, the one thing that I could never ever do was to reveal how I felt about them. To do so would be to reveal my terrible secret - that Bill was a “queer”.
I had a friend in high school I was very close too. His name was John. Yes, that’s his real name and the only reason I use his real name is because there were many others with the name “John” in my high school. I was actually going to tell him how I felt about him, but then he told another friend, “I am no queer...” and went on to describe just how much he hated queers. Yet, we were best friends.
It hurt me a lot because I realized that if he really knew me and knew that I loved him, it would destroy our friendship and I would just become nothing more than “a queer” to John.
Over thirty years went by. I went back to my hometown, and of all the people I looked up was John. This from my journal to my home town on August 24, 2004:
I hadn’t seen John for thirty years, and here I was just showing up at his place of work. He came out. I had my back to him. He said, “Hello, I’m John.” I turned around, he paused for a moment and said, “Oh my God, It’s Bill!” It was nice to see him again, but I quickly realized that I may have made a mistake. He was happy to see me and as he talked, it sounded like the John that I knew, even though his appearance was different. His hair was mostly gray now. We talked about all the stuff we did together as kids. The time we climbed to the top of the small butte. I thought about all that happened when we stayed on the top of that butte overnight, in our budding sexuality, things that it is understood as adults would never be talked about ever again. I loved him. When life became difficult for me at school and rumors were circulating about me being gay, all friendships distanced themselves from me. Eventually, we never talked again. I left Emmett, went to college, and set out in the world.
John said that he had married, and had two kids who are now adults and no longer at home. I knew he had married and had kids. When he asked if I had married, I started to think about how to tell him about my life and what came to mind was an old memory from high school. Someone said something to him in a joking manner about him liking me in school. John said, “I’m no queer!”. With that memory, I said, “I have a partner.” He looked at me a bit strangely. The topic was dropped and replaced with other meaningless diatribe. We said our goodbyes, and I left wondering if it was a good idea that we had stopped.
Most of us, if we are honest, have had these crushes in the past. They are part of normal sexuality and exploration in finding who and what we are. In the case of gays, making these revelations known can be right down dangerous - psychologically and physically. But how psychologically damaging is it to say nothing, and to keep what you are to yourself, as if you are deeply ashamed of what you are? And if asked, lying about what you are and what you feel inside?
So I think that Brokeback Mountain will be a difficult movie for me to view. It will bring back memories that I usually try not to think about. It deals with the same kind of love that cuts deep to the heart of your soul, yet cannot be acknowledged. I also think that it’s strange that it’s being put out in “limited release”, as though they are afraid of what people will do if they see it. Oscar Wilde called this the “the love that dare not speak it’s name”. It’s frustrating because it’s impossible right now to see it, even though it is getting rave reviews. It will be something I look forward too.
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January 1, 2006 - Brokeback Mountain
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Fritz,
I'm sure I will buy it on DVD as well. I record a lot of my movies for my personal viewing off my cable channel. I then burn them off onto DVD to saving. So, I usually don't buy the DVD. In this case however, I will be, because I want to support the movie directly.
I never shield my emotions. Of all the things I've been honest to in my life, what I feel is one of them. If something brings me to tears with open joy or sorrow, I respond accordingly. I'm an open book that way. When I go to the opera, and I watch Madama Butterfly, towards the end, I am usually a damn mess. I'm sitting in my seat weeping for what she is going through?
Why? Not because of the great performance (although that is part of it), but because I empathize and have felt what she is feeling - absolute betrayal of trust and absolute humiliation at the situation she finds herself in, and what society expects of her. And above all of that, the hopelessness of it all - what to do? She opted to kill herself. And there was a time that I felt all of that - ALL OF IT. So, for me to watch that, I feel very much like leaving my seat, going up on stage, putting my arms around her, and telling her that there is another way out of hopelessness. That is how emotional I get, and everyone sees it. If they can't deal with it, it is their problem.
So, in the case of Brokeback Mountain, I'm sure I will experience some of that. And most of those feelings are not going to be feelings of joy. They will be feelings of anger and feelings of loss - loss for what could have been.
Everything in life is balance. The balance to my life and what I have lost in the past, is what I have today. I have so much to counter-balance what I have lost. There was a time I wanted to leave all of this and feel no more. When I think of what I would not have lived to feel, it makes me so glad that something in me was strong enough to want to go on.
I do think we are all different and have different experiences growing up. Some of us are very lucky. We grew up in accepting homes and an accepting environment. The only negative feelings we have experienced are from society. Those can seem overwhelming, but if you have supportive family and friends, you can overcome and compensate for society's lack of compassion.
Dave at December 19, 2005 03:59 PM
I also believe that the “gay element” is not the real issue in this movie. It is a movie of the human experience of gain and loss; of the reconciliation of those two elements.
There is a scene that I saw in the previews, after the two separated. They were going back to their lives; the lives they live without each other – the lives that they live in the real world that knows nothing of their love for each other. The scene shows one of them holding the jacket that the other wore and clutching it as he was crying. That struck me very strongly. In college, Kent would leave for Christmas break. It was a two-week break for us, but for me, it might as well have been two years. He used to wear this red wool jacket. It had his scent. I didn't want to go home. I was deeply deeply in love with Kent. Being away from him hurt me to the the core. He left. His mom picked him up. We could show no emotion for each other while she was there. I went back to our small room, picked up his jacket, held it close to my chest, and cried for two hours. It became late. I was supposed to go home. My house did not accept my sexuality – we never spoke of it. I didn't want to go home, so I laid on the bed. I covered myself with Kent's jacket. It was the best I could do to have him with me. I fell asleep. I woke up hours later and had to force myself to go home and face people who could not begin to understand how much I was hurting inside.
Today, I look back on that experience. It was awful, but I'm so thankful that I experienced such a deep love that made separation such a horrible thing. Do you realize that most people live their entire lives and never feel that? Perhaps that's not the “meaning of life”, but it has to be right up there somewhere at the top of the list. And these feelings are universal; they are not gay or straight. They deal with the human spirit. That is what that scene in Brokeback Mountain reminded me of. So I'm sure that will be a tough one for me.
Dan at December 19, 2005 04:49 PM
I know what you are saying. Today, when I watch a movie with two gay characters in it, I grow very impatient with they dance all around the issue of sexuality. They are obviously drawn to each other. They obviously want to “show” sexuality (and perhaps they do behind closed doors – that is what the movie hints at), but they never show us anything. To me, they are wasting my time and they are have “no balls”.
That being said, this movie took place in 1963 (I believe). Things were different then. You really could be killed for being yourself. Had they committed to each other, that would mean leaving their wives and family behind and publicly acknowledging that love. That is what commitment means to us. Kent and I are committed to each other. We went to the Town Clerk in our little town of Coventry to proclaim that commitment by asking for a marriage license. We knew we would be denied, but that wasn't the point. We openly said, “This is what we are. Deal with it!” That is commitment. In 1963, in that environment, the ending would probably have been death of one or both of the cowboys. That was reality then. We should acknowledge that. And also, the mindset of people at the time in regards to sexual orientation. Gay people rarely “committed” to each other then because there was really no mechanism to foster that commitment. Everything was against that. Society, social attitudes, everything.
Today, we are seeing the culmination of this in the issue of “gay marriage”. That is one mechanism to observe and honor commitment. In 1963, this did not exist for gay couples in any way, shape, or form.
Tony,
I agree. We need more movies like this. We can call this movie “brave”, and it is. But, the real bravery came from all the people in the past who put themselves on the line with incredible bravery to be honest about what they are. That bravery made this movie possible. They are the true heroes.
I am going to see it this weekend,i can't wait,we need more movies like this.
Fritz wrote : I think I'll wait for the DVD so I can cry if it brings back difficult memories
I'd go ahead and see it now. If you cry, you won't be the only one. While I didn't cry out loud, I did leave the theatre with tears running down my face. I don't cry easily, either. I think the last time a movie brought tears was Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (oddly enough, another western, and generally, I don't like westerns). I don't respond like that to obvious tear jerkers (like Beaches, a little misty, but I didn't cry). If you've seen Pat Garrett and Billy the kid, it was the scene where they play "Knockin on Heaven's Door". That still affects me to this day.
When someone does a film this brave, I want to help with the box office. It's sad to say, but it is a substantial measurement of $uccess for Hollywood.
I agree that the acting and cinemagraphy was excellent!
As for the story itself... I was disappointed! To be honest, I'm sick and tired of gay movies where the gay couple refuses to commit to each other!
Dan
I saw Brokeback Mountain this past weekend (Mayan Theatre, Denver, CO.).
First of all, I had those same disappointments when I was young, the unrequited love and heartbreak. None came to mind during Brokeback. My partner would not go with me because he thought it would be too sad, (he is still sorry he ever saw 'Gorillas in the Mist'). What can I say, I wasn't going to harp on it only to end up with him crying and regretting the experience. So I went alone. besides the 'gay cowboy' story which is what everyone talks about, the cinematography and the locations are STUNNING. I live out west in the Rockies, so this isn't new scenery to me. I have to give credit where credit is due, the movie is a visual masterpiece.
It is a beautiful and sad story, but the gay element isn't essential. Anyone who is HUMAN can probably relate and will probably be moved by this story. Maybe that is what is so bold about this film. Not the gay angle, but the universal humanity of it.
The audience was quite the mix, not at all the predominantly gay crowd I had expected.
I will not go into the story, because I am not one to spoil it for anyone else, but if this film doesn't move you, your are either dead or might as well be. I highly recommend this film. The story, the acting, the cinematography, this film is exceptional in almost every way.
Thank you for sharing your journal entry.
I too am looking forward to watching Brokeback Mountain. But, I think I'll wait for the DVD so I can cry if it brings back difficult memories.
My experiences growing up are vastly different from what you describe. I think that it is important to realize that there isn't just one "gay experience" -- our lives are as varied as everyone else's.
I've had my share of crushes. But what haunts me more are the boys and men who had crushes on me and we're unable to deal with it -- a couple with tragic results.
Perhaps due to my blond hair, pretty face, and non-threatening personality, I have always attracted typically masculine (often married) guys -- cops, athletes, military men, etc. Some of my friends insist that I am subconsciously attracted to this type and put out some kind of vibe they can resist. I seriously doubt that. I think it is that to many men I represented an archetype that they could view as subordinate and less of a threat to their tenuous masculinity.
I've always been accepted by my family. My twin brother and I are best friends. He's twice divorced and has three kids. My mom owned a hair salon -- enough said.
So, the only real pain that I have experienced in regard to coming out and self-acceptance has been endured vicariously through many of guys who have fallen for me over the years.
Unfortunately, none of these relationships had a happy ending.
With that, I'll leave you with the lyrics to Save The Best For Last (just imagine a man singing it instead of Vanessa Williams)...
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last