Why We Need to Be Open and Honest
Mr kitsch’s said his stand was motivated in large part by his friendship with some gay couples.
“I know people who have been in homosexual relationships for 20 or 25 years and their relationship is as strong emotionally and in terms of commitment as any heterosexual relationship.
“I accept them as a couple socially. How can I go around to my friends’ place and enjoy dinner and accept them as a couple and then go into Parliament and express a different view? That would make me a hypocrite.
“If they asked me to promote their lifestyle, I would say No, but I will always defend their rights.
“I’m not doing this as an activist. I’m doing it out of respect for them.
“Those in gay relationships should not in any way be ostracized.” (source)
The greatest fear that the Christian Right have in their quest to deny marriage or civil unions to gay couples, is that people will get to know us. That scares the living hell out of them. And it should. If people get to know us, what will they find?
They will find that we have all the same wants and needs as they have. They will find that we want to be part of society, and not be seen as the sick freaks that most of society has viewed us for decades.
People want to make everything neat and tidy and to put people into categories. And the gay culture has in many ways contributed to us being labeled as “freaks” and “perverts”. We have been promiscuous and been told that it is “part of our culture”. We accepted that. After all, sex feels good and anything that feels good can’t be all bad.
And then we had the gay pride parades where we had beautiful “go go boys” dancing on a float wearing nothing but a thong. Then we had the drag queens, and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (gay men dressed up as nuns). At one time, we even had NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) as part of those gay parades, as though they were part of the gay culture. The list goes on and on. So we, in the gay community, are pitted against the reaction that this has stirred in the straight conservative world. The people we were pitted against used to be “straight America” - anyone straight would not understand “our culture”.
That has subsided to a large degree. Why? Because more and more of us are open to what we are; at home, at work, in all social interactions - we don’t feel the need to hide any longer. And many of “straight America” now understands that the gay pride parades and some of the outrageous things in the parade is not what we are “all about”. What we are mostly about is being just as boring and just as American as they are. In the end, we are all just people and we all want to be treated with dignity and respect. We have also started to adopt and have our own children. And along the way, we have distanced ourselves from NAMBLA and have labeled them as an organization that fosters child molestation in the name of civil liberties. Sorry NAMBLA, but that’s the truth. All of this means one thing; the gay culture is maturing.
Now, before you get all pissed off at me because it appears that I’ve just put down gay pride parades, boys in thongs, drag queens, etc., take a deep breath because that’s not what I’m getting at. And, it’s not what I’m saying.
I understand totally that side of our culture, and it is totally valid. But we have got to understand that expressing that kind of freedom in the face of people who know nothing about us is going to have a very negative reaction because people are very insecure about what we are. Also, most of America is starting to get it as well. I say this because it is getting more difficult for the radical right to sell their product - outright bigotry towards us.
They aren’t telling America anymore that we are “deviates”, because everyone knows that we are deviating from the norm; that being heterosexual sexuality. Today, the radical right is still trying to tell America that we are promiscuous, although that too is a hard sell because so many in the straight world are promiscuous. Everything has come full circle. They used to call us promiscuous. They used to say that we had a psychological disorder, until the American Psychological Association ruled in 1973 that we weren’t psychologically sick. They used to say that we were incapable of any long term “meaningful committed relationship”.
Now, the gay community has changed a great deal in our value system. I believe we now want more for ourselves. Many still are promiscuous in the gay community, just as the straight community. Many still do drugs, just as the straight community. But the value system of what defines gay versus straight is shifting, and is coming closer together.
We now dare to equate our relationships, some of which span decades, to that of straight couples, some of which last only weeks, or hours. We dare to want all the rights and privileges for our decade-long relationships that straight couples enjoy in their many short-lived marriages. And this is what scares the hell out of the radical right. Fairness demands that we be given these rights on a civil level. This has nothing to do with religion, even though our enemies are trying to make it an assault on religion. After all, it’s really all they have left.
“Be care what you ask for. You may just get it.” The radical right have always said that we were incapable of sustaining long lasting relationships and making a commitment. Now that we are asking for equality based on our relationships, they simply don’t know what to make of it. All they have left is biblical teachings on why our relationships should be denied rights at the religious and civil levels. The Constitution, in it’s current form (if the U.S. Supreme Court will continue to do it’s job), will not accommodate that. Yet, the Supreme Court is changing drastically. Here’s my prediction on how all of this will turn out.
More states will continue to add constitution amendments to their constitutions. We haven’t seen the last of this. Most will also add language to disallow civil unions or “anything similar too or resembling a marriage”.
At present, Massachusetts is the only state in the nation to grant gay couples a real legal full-fledged marriage. Yet, the Federal Government will not honor it as a marriage (a challenge just waiting to happen). Massachusetts is also waiting for a ruling from it’s Supreme Judicial Court (the same one that allowed for gay marriage in the first place) on the 1913 law that was created by prevent inter-racial couples from being able to marry in the state. The State brushed the dust off the law and is using it to prevent people like Kent and myself, who don’t reside in the State of Massachusetts, from going to that state and getting married. Then, we would be able to come back to Connecticut and challenge the State of Connecticut to honor our legal marriage. If this law is overturned, it would open the door to many challenges all over the country to laws (dogma’s) in other states preventing marriage for gay couples. This is why we see so many states changing their constitutions. I can’t predict the outcome of the 1913 law, but it seems like a logical thing for the Supreme Judicial Court to overturn because the law is being used for a different purpose from it’s original writing.
Out in Washington State, we have the same thing happening. Soon, the state supreme court will rule on the constitutionality of preventing gay couples from being fully married. This is exactly what happened in Massachusetts. But unlike Massachusetts, Washington State has no such law as the 1913 law. So, if they agree to allow gay couples to enter into marriage, we would be able to go their, get a marriage, return to Connecticut, and enter a lawsuit challenging the state to honor the marriage we have been given by the State of Washington. It’s also unknown how this will turn out, but gay legal groups are very optimistic about all of this.
Eventually, the United State Supreme Court will hear a case challenging the constitutionality of the individual state constitutions that deny equality in marriage to gay couples. My prediction is, with the current court in place and with current public opinion, they would rule against us and keep the state bans in place. This is what happened in Bowers vs. Hardwick. We lost that case, and years later, when the court revisited the case, the decision was overturned because public opinion had changed. I believe the same thing will happen to gay marriage with the U.S. Supreme Court. As public opinion changes, the court will revisit the case and will overturn it’s ruling.
But, this takes time. It can take decades. I believe that Kent and I will eventually be allowed a full marriage in the State of Connecticut, but I don’t believe we will live long enough to see our country honor that marriage. What will change this is for more of us do continue to live our lives with dignity, and to show people that we have more in common than we have in differences. This does not mean we have to give up our gay identity. It means that we don’t have to sacrifice our rights for what we are.
But the proof is in statements such as, “I know people who have been in homosexual relationships for 20 or 25 years and their relationship is as strong emotionally and in terms of commitment as any heterosexual relationship.” That is from a conservative who has changed his mind just by knowing and becoming friends with gay couples.
The bottom line is, it’s harder to discriminate against people when you actually are friends with the people you are trying to discriminate against.
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For what it's worth, I do think things are improving in the gay community - in certain areas. We should acknowledge that.
You know, only 10 years ago, the idea of gay couples wanting marriage would have been rejected by the community at large. It would have been seen as us giving up our identity, and shame on us for wanting anything to do what so ever with anything "straight". I don't see it that way. There are countless rights associated with marriage at the state and federal level. Why should we not be entitled to those rights.
In other words, the gay community has taken a brave step forward in it's DEMAND for equality. This has little to do with marriage. This is a concept. The concept is, we must stop accepting (and believing) what the straight world says about us. The gay community, along with straights, have come to accept these "truths", hook, line, and sinker.
These "truths" that we have been told is that we are queers, faggots, cock suckers, worthless scum, worthy of bashing and death... you know the rest. We, in our community, accepted this. And why wouldn't we? We grew up with it and was conditioned to believe it. I grew up hating queers because I too told the fag jokes along with my family. It's conditioning. During my adolescence, I started to accept the fact that I had known for a long time; that I was gay.
I left Idaho feeling that the only thing I had to look forward to was basically just being alive. I have been fired from three jobs in my life for being gay alone. I had to accept that because there were no laws in place preventing it. Over time, people like myself got our fill of that, and change happened over time. Marriage rights are only the next step in this concept.
But, we as a community still have our internal issues. The issues I talk about above deals with the world at large - demanding equality from the straight world. Our internal issues lie in deep seeded beliefs that we really are not deserving of equality. Once we accept that, we really are "low life faggots", not deserving of respect or dignity. Is it any wonder than that we have no respect for others in our community?
When a 14 year old kid is kicked out of his home for being queer, or he leaves for fear of his safety, he will most likely try to find sanctuary in some wonderful place that he heard of - where everyone is seen as being accepted (say, San Francisco). Once there, he will have no where to go. He has basic needs - he needs food and a place to stay. He quickly learns that nothing comes for free. And we have the gall to walk down Polk Street, look at these children selling their bodies, and pass judgment upon them! I've actually heard some gay men call these boys "faggots who only want sex", knowing full well that they have most likely paid them at some point for sex. It makes me sick. After years of struggle to have anything in life, we find ourselves turning our backs on young people as though to say, "I had to do it, now it's your turn."
I think just the opposite. I don't want them to go through what I went through. I've even told people that if I were to have children, I would not want them to be homosexual. It's too damned hard. You have the straight world on your back all the time for one damned thing or another, then on top of that, you have "your community" who doesn't really care about you. We don't even care about ourselves (Crystal Meth use, bare backing, etc).
So, you are right. We have a long ways to go. We have a lot of old baggage to shed. Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemies.
We really seem to have developed similar levels of frustration. I don't think it is due to my getting older and wiser. These issues have pissed me off since I was in college.
I think what angers me most is that today there seems to be far fewer people who give a damn. That's one of the reasons why I love visiting your blog -- you have not succumbed to the illiberalism that is devouring the conscience of America.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Fritz, what do you REALLY think?? ;-)
Your experience as a child sounds much different from mine, and I am glad for that.
I agree with absolutely everything you said. I want to respond to a few things you said specifically.
"Now, more gay kids are staying home, finishing school, and leading "normal" lives. But, this doesn't apply to many gay youth who belong to our society's out groups." [...]
"So, while we can be happy that we're able to live openly in the 'burbs and keep our jobs, there is still a lot of work to be done. We definitely should protest the violence against LGBT people in countries like Iran. But, there are plenty of invisible victims right here in our own backyards." [...]
"You concluded...
'The bottom line is, it’s harder to discriminate against people when you actually are friends with the people you are trying to discriminate against.'
Well, what about the LGBT people who are also discriminated against because of race, national origin, class, etc.?"
ok.......
I was trying not to get down on the gay community too much about this. I really was. But, I have a bone to pick with my community.
You are absolutely right in everything you said.
One of the things that I find most distressful is the complete apathy within our community for "throw away people". Like you, I have seen this happening for years. The same thing happened in San Francisco with young boys prostituting themselves on Polk Street. Do you think the gay community cared about that? Not really. A few did and tried to do something about it, but generally speaking, our community didn't really care about these youths.
The same reaction to gay people being executed in Iran. I suppose I can understand the reasoning of someone who would say, "Well, they are in Iran. What do you expect?" Or, someone saying, "Gee, it sucks to be them," as we continue to sip on our cappuccinos. It's easy to dismiss these acts by concluding that we can't do anything about them.
But why the hell not? Why aren't more people protesting this and putting more pressure on Iran to deal with these abuses.
Why don't we care? Why do we in our own community also view these children who are selling their bodies as disposable?
I don't know the answer, but it's difficult for me to get energized over "gay pride" when three blocks away some kid is sucking dick so he has food for his next dinner or his rent (if he even has a place to go).
I've said this many times and I'll say it again. People are self serving. They go after what they will benefit from. They pursue their goals. Anything outside of that is irrelevant.
I harp on equality all the time for all people in our community. As a gay, white male, I think I am very lucky. To be a minority and gay would be much more difficult I believe. But does the majority in our community give a damn about any of this?
No, I honestly don't believe they do.
Bill, you set me into rant mode...
I was luckier growing up than most of the gay kids in my generation. I have a straight twin brother who loves me unconditionally, I live in Southern California, my mom owned a hair salon (she was the biggest "fag hag" in town), and I'm bright, talented, and attractive. Being white, male, and upper middle class didn't hurt either.
When I was in my 20s, I moved to West Hollywood and learned what life was like for thousands of gay young people who grew up in small towns across America and then escaped to Hollywood -- often without the necessary life skills.
These kids had few options. If they were attractive, smart, or both, they could get jobs waiting tables or in retail, and maybe make something out of their lives. If they just had good looks to rely on, they usually ended up working in the bars or the porn industry. Those who didn't have looks or brains ended up turning tricks on Santa Monica Boulevard or worse.
Now, more gay kids are staying home, finishing school, and leading "normal" lives. But, this doesn't apply to many gay youth who belong to our society's out groups.
In my community, gay immigrants from Mexico and South America have it just as bad as we did 30 or 40 years ago. They are victims of organized crime, forced to have back-alley sex with strangers, and generally receive no support from police, prosecuters, or the LGBT community.
So, while we can be happy that we're able to live openly in the 'burbs and keep our jobs, there is still a lot of work to be done.
We definitely should protest the violence against LGBT people in countries like Iran. But, there are plenty of invisible victims right here in our own backyards.
I was the foreperson of a jury last year and I was horrified to learn about how the Mexican street gangs use young boys to entrap immigrant laborers into blackmail situations. In my community, the operation was ran by a vicious transexual prostitute. She'd send boys out to troll parks and public restrooms. The boys would beat up their victims after luring them into a secluded location and steal their wallets. Then, the transexual prostitute would show up at their home or work location and demand money.
Apparently, there is big money in these kinds of schemes. According to the expert who testified, it is happening everywhere and with increasing regularity.
I couldn't get any LGBT advocacy groups interested in this issue. They'd rather have $150 a plate black tie fundraisers and picnics in the park for rich white people.
You concluded...
"The bottom line is, it’s harder to discriminate against people when you actually are friends with the people you are trying to discriminate against."
Well, what about the LGBT people who are also discriminated against because of race, national origin, class, etc.?
Take a look at the LGBT people who belong to America's out groups. You'll see the same "deviant" behavior that was common in the larger LGBT community decades ago -- anonymous sex, outrageous and sef-destructive behavior, rampant drug and alcohol abuse, and violence.
Bush using two scapegoats to woo the right wingers -- gays and immigrants. That makes the worst thing to be in Bush's America...what?