My Sunday

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Fritz,

You are right... It is the FDA that has the lifetime ban on gays donating blood, and not the Red Cross. I stand corrected. Actually, I did know that. I read it some time ago. It just that, when the man from the Red Cross approached me in that fashion, I reacted emotionally. It is a topic that has a lot of passion for me, and sometimes that passion gets the best of me. Did I ever tell you that I am a passionate man?

I don't just read and take in what's going on in the world (although I sometimes wish I were more "simple"), I react emotionally with my world. I think that is why I view so many topics such as this, and gay marriage, as being beyond my ability to change - so I in effect, unload them from my psyche.

Like I said, the Red Cross does do a lot good work and I suppose I could lie to them about being gay, as Jaydog has chosen to do (I'm not making a judgement against you Jaydog in saying that). I want to donate blood and help others, but it has to be, at least for me, above board. I want them (the FDA) to understand the bigger picture here and their hypocrisy.

By the way Jaydog.... love your photo blog... I've added it to my links. :)

I read with interest your experience with the American Red Cross. Like you, I'm gay and HIV-, but have been donating blood through various organizations for many years. I practice safe sex, but still am tested on a regular basis. I have no qualms about lying regarding my sexuality, because I know my blood is needed, and I get a tremendous sense of satifaction knowing that I am helping to save lives. Knowing that the blood is thoroughly tested before being used erases any qualms I may have. I agree that it's time for the double standard to be eradicated. However, with our government setting the example for hatred and bigotry, that's not likely to happen any time soon.

I was holding off on commenting about the blood donation issue.

Earlier this year, the nation's leading blood donation agencies, including the American Red Cross, asked the FDA to change its policy on the lifetime blood donation ban on gay men.

The Red Cross has been opposed to the lifetime ban for a number of years and their official position is that gay men who haven't had sex in a year be allowed to donate.

The organization to blame for the ban is the FDA. They instituted the ban during the Reagan administration and recently expanded it to include organ and tissue donation.

I work for a hospital and have actively worked to change the way our blood center asks for blood donations. When I first started working here, I felt the approach used was not sensitive to those who can't give blood -- not just gay men, but everyone who can't donate.

I implemented a change to the language we use in donor recruitment. It now acknowledges that many people can't give blood. It is wrong to put people on the spot and approach them as if you assume they can donate.

My hospital needs regular blood donors. We often have shortages and have to make public pleas for donations. Please, please, please don't discourage people who are able to donate from doing so. Lives are at stake.

The Red Cross is on your side. That may have been what the Red Cross worker wanted to say when you brushed him off.

Jeff,

I am so sore it's not even funny. It took me an hour an a half to just eat dinner last night (the low fat sesame chicken salad from Panera - stopped by on my way home) because each time I took a bite, I would have to prepare myself mentally for the pain involved in raising my arm. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not.

I took an Aleve before bed, hoping that it would help with the pain so I could sleep. I also took a Xanax to make me drowsy. I was tired, but every time I moved I woke up in pain. So finally, at 2:00 in the morning, with no sleep, I had enough of the freakin pain. I went to my medicine cabinet and took a Percocet. Twenty minutes later, the pain started subsiding and I was able to get some sleep.

This morning, I'm drinking coffee like crazy because I have a lot of work to get done and I'm fighting a Percocet hangover. And of course, because I took a Percocet, I can't drive for another six hours or so. So, I'm working from home today. This has really thrown me for a loop and I am SO SORRY that I did the orientation now. It just wasn't worth it. Sigh....

I'll keep going back, but I can't keep doing that to my body. If that's what I have to do to tone my body into shape, I'll just have to do without. This has been such a bad experience for me. I was telling Kent about how sore I am on the phone last night (he's in New York until Wednesday) and he got a chuckle out of it but IT'S NOT FUNNY when the pain is so bad that you have to take a high-powered narcotic to simply get enough relief to sleep.

Buck,

I think you are right in that most people are unaware of the policy of the Red Cross in regards to the life time ban for gay men. In my mind, it is an act of outright bigotry because they do not apply the same penalty to straight men or other groups of people who are now considered in the "high risk" category as well.

I'm actually "ok" with their policy now because I have let that fight go. You know, the older you get, you weigh your fights. To me, this is a valid fight to show the hypocrisy of the Red Cross, BUT, it's not my fight any longer. If they lifted the bad tomorrow, I wouldn't give blood anymore. I'm just soured to them. Like I said, they do a lot of good for a lot of people, and that's a good thing, but I can't just erase the way I feel about how they have handled this issue.

I think for those who want to continue this fight, the strategy would be to point out the vast difference that gay men face opposed to straight men who have sex with all kinds of people - they do not have a lifetime ban - we do. Also, and this is the main point, having such a policy is dangerous. The way things are now with the Red Cross, they are still back in the mentality of the early 1980's when people in the United States were calling AIDS a "gay disease". That, to me, is the most frightening thing of all, and should concerns all of us.

Fiona,

I believe that the United States also prohibits gay men from donating organs. I remember when I had my drivers license renewed, there is a box that you can check if you wanted to be an organ donor in the event you are killed in an auto accident (or by other means). On that form, there was a paragraph that stated that if you were a gay man who had had sex with another man since 1977, you were unable to participate in organ donation.

That being said, if I had a friend who needed a kidney and I checked out to be a match for that person, and was healthy (HIV-, etc.), yes, I would lie about being a homosexual, so I could help my friend out and donate that kidney.

I don't believe in compromising my integrity. I am what I am - a gay man. I don't lie about my sexual orientation to anyone at all - not in my personal life and not at work. BUT, there are circumstances where I believe it is possible to legitimately put aside your personal integrity to get around a stupid policy that has no integrity. The one time I would do that is to help a friend extend their life. And I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

My brother is diabetic. It was always in the back of my mind that someday, I may be in a situation where he would need a kidney, and I would go through the tissue match process for him. But, my problem is, because I have been so active in gay politics in the United States, one wouldn't have to look very hard to find out that I am in fact a gay man.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but it must give you great comfort to have such a wonderful friend who would give you such a beautiful gift.

Bill,

You really should try a Personal Trainer again. As you know I have been using one for a year and a half and am so glad I am. Having a Trainer can be a great motivator as well as keeping you "honest" with respect to your workouts.

The soreness you are feeling is not normal and I would suggest that if you decide on a Personal Trainer you let him/her know about your experience during your orientation. You should expect to have some soreness after a workout, however you should not be so sore as to being unable to raise a glass of water. A good trainer will know your limitations and design a program that is appropriate.

Your Trainer should design a program that combines cardiovascular activity and strength training. If your goal is strength/toning and not putting on bulk, let the Trainer know this.

Also, most gyms will let you switch trainers before your package is up. You should have a Trainer you feel is a match for you. So do not stay with a Trainer who is not focusing his/her complete attention on your during your workout. Remember he/she is working for you during that time!

Hope this helps.

Kisses,

Jeff

I've posted on the Red Cross thing many times. What really shocked me though were that most straight people are really unaware of the policy. Sure they read the little notice but they don't put two and two together. I can remember discussing it with the girls in my office one day during a "company" blood drive. They were shocked and offended and as one put it - "I'd rather take a blood donation from you than 90% of those party whores upstairs!" They just couldn't believe it... and more to the point... they refused to donate.

Just read about the blood donating. what does the USA say about organ donations from gay people? I was struck down with chronic renal failure in Jan. I have since had two operations but within ten years my kidneys will fail. I am 41 so by the time i am 50 I will need a transplant. my best friend, a gay man was there with me through my diagnosis, my pain (which is worse than child birth) my operations, and my fear. it was him who came down to theater with me and he was the first person I saw afterwards. A few days after my last op he said Fiona i want to get my tissue type done as i want to give you my kidney. Why wait whilst your own kidneys fail you can have it now if i am a match.How many people would do that for their friend? PROBLEM in the UK a gay man is not permitted to give his kidney for transplantation. I can only guess it's through fear of HIV but like you say he would be tested anyway same as anyone and i could get someone who slept about his whole life, inject IV heroin but as long as he's straight that's ok. Basically they would rather I suffer and die than get a gay mans kidney.
We talked, we cryed, we did a load of soul searching and together we came to the conclusion that he will not admit he is gay to the doctors so that if he is a match I can have the kidney but why on earth should a person have to lie about who they are to give the greatest gift of all to their best friend? Its discrimination in the worst form ever if you ask me.

Fritz,

I've come to realize that you best friend can be your worst enemy, in some respects. Labor unions and the like have their own agenda. The fact that they call themselves "progressive"... well, progressive is a moving target and a matter of opinion, I have learned.

Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing. And Hillary Clinton that so many gay people seem to love... She'd sell us down the river in a second for her political agenda. They are all the same. None of them, except perhaps, Sen. Russ Feingold, have INTEGRITY. I say this because he is for gay marriage, nothing less. AND, he has publicly said that. If he's that honest about gay marriage in this day and age, I think I would tend to believe him on his word on other issues as well.

It's terrible what happened in Santa Cruz. Kent is a university professor, and you are right, universitys often offer "spouses" jobs as a way to attract the best people to the faculty. This happens at the University of Connnecticut (UCONN) as well. I'm not sure that has ever happened at UCONN with a same-sex spouse. I am not an employee at UCONN, but I will tell you that I have always been well received and treated well by everyone. I would like to think that had I also accepted a job with Kent, it would have been a non-issue for UCONN.

Oh... and about the Red Cross ban on gays giving blood....

I used to give blood all the time in the 1970's, right up until they put the ban on. I understood the ban then because the tests were just no accurate enough. Now, there's really no use to have the ban, other than bigotry.

But you know what, I'm over all of that now. I really (just me personally talking here) couldn't care less what the hell they do. I'm so turned off by the way they have handled this (keeping the ban after the extremely accurate tests are now in place), that even if the ban were lifted, I truthfully will never give blood again. I simply don't want them to put it in my face like that man did at the market. I find that offensive.

I suppose I should buy it. Kent seems to think I should go for it. At my other gym, I did get a personal trainer, and he wasn't so good. He really did nothing to push me and to motivate me, other than have me show up for the session. But once I was in there, he basically talked with his friends while I was going through my routine. I thought, "Hell, I can do this without him..." So, after the eight session I bought, I didn't renew with him.

But my new gym tells me that there are trainers for special needs. For example, if losing weight it my goal, they have trainers that specialize in that, verses building muscle.

All I know is, if I get one like that young punk that I had yesterday, I'm a dead man. I can hardly move my arms today - LITERALLY. I am drinking water (I hear that helps), but there have been times where I have used both arms to get the water bottle up. It hurts like hell.

I guess there's a funny element to it, but if they do that to everyone, don't you think that would discourage people from doing the personal trainer thing, rather then energizing them?

Right now, it sounds like a good idea, but my muscles are saying, "NO! DON'T DO IT!!!"

Okay, I'm not even going to comment about the Red Cross policies, which are stupid, BUT let me tell you how much I love my personal trainer, and encourage you to try it. I definitely recommend it, spendy as it is (I share mine with co-worker/friend, and each of us pays $45 per hour - alone, it's $70 per hour - it may be more expensive in Connecticut). Twice a week, I force myself to get up (5:30 a.m. Wednesday, 7:30 a.m. Saturday) and have this (really fun, really attractive) woman whip my friend and me into shape. I have never felt better, and my husband insists that he can tell a big difference in my body, after nine months. Go for it!

Bill, you said to that Red Cross employee exactly what I've been wanting to tell them for years. Bravo!!!

Bill,

I spent way to much time on the following issue:

http://www.pamspaulding.com/weblog/2006/06/university-of-california-santa-cruz.html

The headline should read "Labor unions harrass lesbian university administrator until she commits suicide"!

I'm so ticked off about this issue I could scream. Now, we have to worry about "progressive" organized labor burning us at the stake. What a world!