The Cure of Homosexuality
IN THE LATEST “X-Men” movie, the humans discover a “cure” for the mutant “X gene,” and the mutants find themselves at war among themselves over whether to take the bait.
The analogy to homosexuality isn’t lost on us gay viewers, since we’ve all probably thought about whether we’d take “the cure,” if there ever were such a thing. Of course the politically correct answer for any well-adjusted, self-respecting homo is that our sexual orientation isn’t an illness to be “cured,” anymore than heterosexuality would be.
That’s certainly what our X-Men heroes would have us believe. The reality, on the other hand, is much messier.
Who among us hasn’t explained our lives to a straight friend or family member by arguing we didn’t choose to be gay. “After all,” we say, “who would choose a life of disapproval and rejection from society?”
So if we wouldn’t have chosen to be gay at the outset, why would we choose to remain gay if the “cure” were at hand? (source)
I read this interesting article by Chris Crane on the Washington Blade. It reflects much of my feelings and concerns about all the research going on today to find the gene (or gene sequence) that makes someone gay. Interesting from a research point of view, I suppose, but of course I know where it would go if they actually did accomplish their task. I’m told by people who are geneticists by profession that it would be practically impossible to isolate all the variables into any kind of formula that could be applied. So, I guess I will breath easier on this.
But, the question is, if they did develop a “cure” for being gay - something that would turn me into a straight heterosexual man (as if that is the “ideal” thing to be), would I do it?
When I was a 14 year old boy, praying to God to make me “normal”, I would have obviously taken such a cure. Then came the beatings, the gay bashings of high school years, earning my way into the time honored societal tradition of placing me into the “fucking queer” category, and all the other stuff that you learn in high school.
Then of course, the 1980’s when AIDS took most of my friends. More of us than not, who are gay, knows what that was like. And today, more straights than not knows someone who has AIDS or who has died of AIDS. But for me, it’s a toss up of what was more difficult for me -- losing my friends to AIDS, or having to face a society that basically said, “LET THEM DIE”, “I DON’T WANT MY TAX DOLLARS SPENT FOR PREVENTING AIDS FOR QUEERS”, and others. Yes, I remember those being said vividly. But wait, I am an American. We were dying. I thought that is what we do - we help each other. What a lesson that was to learn. From all of this, I learned these things...
1) You are what you are. Get used to it.
2) People hate you. If you can survive, do it, and get used to it.
3) If you get sick, people will let you die for being queer. Get used to it.
4) If your friends get sick, you take care of them because no one else will. Get used to it.
5) American idealism of helping others is SHIT. Get used to it.
6) You are gay. Others are gay. Form a community and find support from them. They are your friends. They are the only people you can count on. Get used to it.
7) Society hates you and if they can’t cure you with drugs, intimidation, terror, and death, we have to adapt to being hated, and SURVIVE. Get used to it.
8) Never forget your friends who have passed, most who had only you at their side when they died because their family disowned them. They are your family.
9) WATER is thicker than BLOOD!!!
I’ve gotten used to it.
In fact, I’m so used to it, that I wouldn’t begin to know what it’s like to be fully accepted as a gay man. I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be able to hold Kent’s hand in public and have people say “hello” to us warmly -- they usually look the other way in disgust, or call us “faggots”, and go on their merry self-righteous way. And no, I'm not bitching about it - I got used to it. I wouldn’t begin to know how to be a straight man. Kent and I would separate (I guess) because we would be straight, but what the hell would I do with a woman? I guess I would have to learn, but I guess that’s what The Joy Of Sex is for, right?
But beyond all of that, I wouldn’t choose to be straight, because being gay has shown me some remarkable people who are the bravest and most loving people in the world. It has shown me that as gay people, we have each other, even though we don’t always agree. It has shown me the true meaning of “family”. And, my hope is, that as time goes on, it will be perfectly ok for us to be gay, have our relationships recognized, and not have to worry about judgment.
For me, I think that is too late. I’m used to the hard realities of adversity. Hopefully, future generations of gay people (if they don’t “cure” them), will grow up in a world that loves them FOR WHAT THEY ARE, not in spite of what they are.
“Sweet are the uses of adversity, Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, Wears yet a precious jewel in his head; And this our life, exempt from human haunt, Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, Sermons in stones, and good in everything.” - William Shakespeare, As You Like it, Act II
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Dillon,
I know it can be hard to come to terms with being homosexual. Believe me, I went through this too as a teenager. I used to pray to God to change me. I even gave God a time period to make this change happen, or I would kill myself. I didn't feel like I was supposed to be gay either. But I am.
Well, God never changed me. And when I did accept who I was, and it took me a long time, I was so grateful that I didn't end my life so long ago, because I had so much to look forward too.
You can have it all Dillon. Kent and I have been together now for 31 years. We have a wonderful life together and couldn't ask for anything more, except perhaps, equality.
The problems you face are not because of a trait you carry (homosexuality), but rather how the world treats you because of it. It's important for you to realize that. It's not a sickness and it's not something you can change.
You have two choices.
1) You can try to change it. You may even get married and spend a large part of yourself trying to convince yourself that you are straight and "normal". In the end, you will end up with a failed marriage, and will most likely be bitter for all the time you wasted.
2) You can accept who you are and realize that you are gay and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The good news is, things are radically changing for our community and acceptance is everywhere. There are people out there just like you Dillon, who don't see this as something they should not be. Putting that behind them, they can put their energies into being the wonderful people they should be.
Being gay is going to be a big thing for you IF YOU LET IT BE. It's up to you how much you are going to allow yourself to be bothered by it or move on with your life.
I realize this is a very unpopular opinion among gays but if given the chance, I would definitely take the cure. It would sure as hell make everything easier. Ever since I realized I was gay to begin with(when I was 12, I'm 17 now) I tried everything to change, but nothing worked. I have since given up, but have never given up hope that eventually a cure will be found. I have nothing against people who are gay or people who would choose to remain gay given the chance, but I don't feel like I'm supposed to be gay, like it was some sort of biological mistake.
I'm with you, Bill. I wouldn't take the "cure" either. I love being a MAN who loves MEN. I don't need to be "fixed." It's the religious nutcases and homophobes that need fixin'. My being gay isn't MY problem. It's their's, and to quote the illustrious Miss M, "F*ck 'em if they can't take a joke."
BTW, Bill, according to this...
http://www.pamspaulding.com/weblog/2006/06/more-msm-coverage-of-ex-gay-conversion.html
...there already is a cure.
(Be sure to have a bucket close at hand when you view the video. You may lose your dinner.)
What an interesting and thought provoking piece. To be honest, I would have to say my answer would have been very simple as to why I would say "no" to the "cure".
Simply put, I love the person I am with. I could not imagine for the sake of "fitting in" with people I'd probably loathe anyway leaving him.
No, where love is involved what cure is needed? Or to quote the immortal Ms. Diana Ross: "If theres a cure for this, I dont need it. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love!" -Love Hangover
Fritz,
An absolutely beautiful and thought provoking response.
I too have a brother, but we are very different. In fact, no one in my family understands my life as your brother does yours. I have had (and have) straight friends who are very dear to me, but I never think that they can truly understand what this is like - to have hateful venomous things said to you from total strangers. But, I do realize that I get self absorbed in all of this because so much of it has been first person. I think in a very deep and profound way, I have truly never recovered from being beating up so terribly, so many years ago. It does something to you inside and colors your perception of the world. It was later reinforced when my friends were dying, and no one seemed to care.
I think you are right. Life just isn't easy. Gay or straight, life in this world is uncertain for everyone. Aside from my past misfortunes, I many times say that this is the happiest time of my life. Everything is going well and I've honestly come to a time in my life that it doesn't matter what other people think - I like me - I like where I'm at.
And, I'm finally able to look back on the friends I've lost without sadness and bitterness. I now feel that I was lucky just to know them.
I work in a place that is totally accepting of me and I work with a great group of guys. True acceptance means you never have to guard what you say. You can be yourself. There are no secrets and no fear of rejection. We talk about everything. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I sometimes think that gets lost in my writing. Lately, it seems I've been writing about politics and it doesn't seem like there's a lot of positive news there. But at home and work, everything is wonderful.
I have a unique perspective because I have an identical twin who is straight.
We are identical in every way except sexual orientation.
Because we're so close, my brother has experienced what it is like to be a gay man -- as close as any straight person can get to total understanding anyway. Since we look alike, he's been mistaken for me a few times and he knows exactly how some people can treat me -- condescending, hateful, etc.
Through my brother, I have experienced the joys and sorrows of being twice married and twice divorced and having three beautiful children.
My brother was there to hold my hand at funerals. He's shared my pain like no other. And, I've done the same for him.
I look at my brother and I KNOW what I'd be if I weren't gay. And, I don't envy him. Not one bit.
So, would I take the "cure"?
Nope. Life isn't easier on the other side of the fence. It is simply different.