He's "Just My Friend

No. It's not terrible. It's realistic. As people get older they get set in their ways. We all do, if we are honest about it. It's only natural. You find out what "works", and you stick with that. It takes more energy to change yourself. Actually, it takes a lot of work.

One thing to think about though... he may not be relationship material, but it does sound like he's friendship material (he did take care of you and help you out), if you can keep it on that basis. And in time, perhaps it will turn into something more. Just because it may not work out as partners doesn't mean that friendship is out of the picture.

Bill,

Thanks for your advice. You may be right that it wasn't what I wanted to hear -- but it confirmed exactly what I've been thinking. I've got a tough decision to make regarding continuing this relationship. I injured my back on the weekend and my friend came over and helped me by cooking and keeping me company. Perhaps I should look at his coming out in the same way -- only I know it will be a very long process. I've wondered if he may actually be too old to change (isn't that terrible?)

I understand, but guilt is like a bag of bricks you carry on your back. All you have to do is PUT IT DOWN! That's all. :)

"I feel guilty, I am a psychologist and at this moment in time I am not copeing very well."

If a patient said that to you, what would you say to them? I bet you would tell them to let go of their guilt because they NEED to do this JUST FOR THEMSELVES. That doesn't make you a selfish person. It makes you a caring person, who puts others first all the time. Once in awhile, we all have to put ourselves first. It's really true.

I'm glad you are going away, and I want you to have a terrific time. Just do what you can do, and enjoy life. Make sure that most of your time is devoted to rest. I don't mean rest in a boring way. I mean, some of my most wonderful moments is when I'm laying outside on my deck with my eyes closed, listening... listening to everything. The breeze through the leaves on the trees, all the songs the different birds are singing. I just get lost in all of it. Yet, it is the simplest thing to do, and sadly, most people are so busy doing busy things, that they never hear what they are missing.

Living life doesn't always have to be shopping 'till you drop. Sometimes, the smallest things in life are HUGE. Think about it. :)

Thanks Bill. Yes I have decided to go to tenerife on tuesday. hopefully my husband will be well enough to fly as he seems to be improving on the antibiotics. My parents are out there and I need to rest and take a while for myself, sit in the sun, swim in the pool, look round the shops. Simple things that give so much pleasure to me. Some may think I am selfish going away just now but you are right I need a little time to look after myself just now. I feel guilty, I am a psychologist and at this moment in time I am not copeing very well. I will be ok though

Fiona,

You have given me so much as well, without you knowing it.

I read your entries, and I realize that there are so many people out there who have bigger things going on than I do. I have lived what some would call a traumatised and turbulent life. But I say today without hesitation that in my personal day-to-day life, I have never been happier than I am right now.

Perhaps this doesn't come across in this blog. I'm told that I complain too much about things. Perhaps I do. But I want things to be fair for people. I want people to be happy. I do not want people to go through what I went through most of my life, because life is a precious thing and people should be happy. People should never have to suffer at the hands of other people's ignorance and bigotry. If people don't like other people, be it Jews, or gays, or blacks, they can easily shut up and walk away because they have no right what so ever in making that person's life difficult. They have a right to their opinion - they have no right to inflict that opinion on others for the sake of causing them mental or physical distress.

I talk of these things because I still hear of young people committing suicide, being beaten, and disowned by their families. I read of a teen a few days ago who is in Kentucky who's family kicked him out of their home because they were Christians. He was kicked out of his school because it was a private Christian college. Why? All because someone told them that he was gay. So, for a long while, this boy stated, "I had no where to live, no money, no friends. I lived in my car for two months." It made me sick and I found myself say, "I wish that he had had my phone number, because we would have given him a place to stay and probably have gotten him into college again. But the thing is, I would have told him that he has a future that his future can be wonderful and filled with happiness.

Today, all of the evil and nasty stuff is behind me. We live our own peaceful lives and our main concern is taking care of Kent's parents, who, after all that we have been through with them, I've grown to love. I'm quite protective of them.

I applaud your friends who are stepping in to help you out. This is what people should do. If more would do that, the world wouldn't be in the mess that it's in. I don't know how so many people can be friends to people when things are going well, then, when things get tough, those "friends" are no where to be found. To me, friendship lasts through anything. When a friend of mine in is trouble, I'm there, every single time! They can count on that. I can not honestly think of any thing I put a value on more than friendship and family. I care deeply about people and it's hard for me to understand why others don't, because it really isn't a hard thing to do. Sometimes, I wonder about that, and wonder if being gay, along with my past experience, are gifts that others don't have, because I care about things that so few seem to care about.

Your heart is in a good place, but I'd like you to do something for me. You have support and love from your friends. Don't worry so much about the injustices of the world right now. Don't burden yourself with it. Let it go. I would like to see you be your own best friend. I'd like to see you rid your mind of what nasty people think and do to others, because right now, you don't need that in your life. Right now, you need to think of YOU, be kinder to yourself, and put yourself first. Can you do that for me?

your site teaches me so much. I no longer take the fact that I can marry for granted. It educates my kids not only o they hear what it is like to live as a minority from my gay friends in the uk they know now from you what it is like in the USA and we talk openly about it at home to friends, I talk at work, at functions, with clients. The kids talk at school to there friends, to teachers. Alot of people are nasty they do not care about gay issues, or AIDS even though they could easily have it! They think I am a little odd concerning myself with other peoples issues. Bill I am going through a very hard time just now. I am supposed to be in europe on hols but my husband is sick in hospital,I am still worried over what the vet said about my dog, my dad is ill with his liver and heart, our friends daughter was murdered a week ago and of course my kidneys are failing and i have been advisd to avoid stress! If it wasn't for my best friend (who is gay) and his partner I would go under. They are amazing they provide support and love to me and my family. They look after my little 12 year old , take her out and treat her so all this has as little impact as possible. I wish more straight people had gay friends I hate the way people judge you it makes me so angry. I just want you to know that there are straight people who will fight for you every step of the way.

I too am very fortunate to be in an environment that is accepting and nurturing. It was an issue in my company as well with health insurance. I got it as an employee and Kent gets it for being a state employee. So, there was no pressing need for him to have it. But, there was a need for other people in my company who had domestic partnerships. Finally, the company decided to offer it. You get no break though - if there are two people, you will be billed the same price (same as straight married couples). You only really get a break if you have children and want them covered. Still, it's nice to know that those who need it for their partners, do have access to it, if they can afford the premiums.

Of course, that was before civil unions came to Connecticut. I haven't checked since, but my bet is that you would have to get a civil union to qualify. I have a problem with that because it is forcing people into a second class category for the purpose of having the benefits. But, what are you going to do? That's the way things are for now.

And I agree with you Dave... this is all a sign of progress! :-)

Interesting thing, coming out, because you are forced to do it over and over. I changed jobs 6 years ago, end everone knew I was gay. Then in the new job, company picnics, xmas party, etc... I brought Will. Despite working with a few hardcore republicans, everyone was kind and understanding, and they ask me what Will and I did over the weekend. When I asked the boss about 'partner benefits' he actually checked with the insurance company. We are a very small company, and it was not possible, but he told me to buy Will's health insurance and he would pay half! Which he did! Then after Will got a job with his own health insurance, I told the boss and he said 'thanks for telling my, just keep it.' I know I am lucky in this regard, and many gay people are still oppressed, but people like the ones I work with are proof of progress.

Nothing is more traumatizing then going through the "coming out" process. It tears you apart. You have people who you thought would love you no matter what, suddenly turning their back on you. I used to be very close to my sister. Today, to her, "I am dead", as she has told my brother. We haven't talked since 1984.

The struggle can last for years on different levels. For me at least, it wasn't a sudden thing where I came out, and it was over. Every single time you meet someone you don't know, you dread the time when they will "find out" about "it". After a long time, today, I no longer give a damn about that because I see it for what it is - a big waste of my time and energy. Coming out, for me, was not a choice. I had no choice. Now, I'm liberated, but it was a long process. I think a lot of straight people feel that once you come out, you go on to the next issue in your life. What they don't realize is that you are constantly tested every time someone hears you are gay and then suddenly they treat you differently, or they distance themselves from you. It's not suddenly over because people won't let it be over.

But after years of that, I stopped caring what others thought. Today, I consider all of that their baggage, not mine. And I can do that because I know who and what I am, and I love it. It is truly liberating, but it took me a long time to get there.

Fritz, you can go through the coming out process with your friend, but in all honesty, I think it would be incredibly difficult, unless your friend is a very dynamic and centered person. It doesn't sound like that's the case. That's not saying anything bad about him. Most people, including myself, have a big struggle with the coming out process. The exceptions are people who are fortunate enough to be in an accepting environment when they come out.

Kent and I are so close because he was my first love and only love, AND, we came out together over time. There was a long period of time when our families disowned us. All we had was each other. That brought us closer than ever. If I were single and met someone else who is mentally where I was when I was 22 years old, I don't think I could do that. But that's just me.

One can argue that coming out today is easier than it was 30 years ago. For the most part, that is true. But it's also true that your friend spent the first 50 years of his life playing the roll of a straight man. You will have all of that to go through, and you will run into constant challenges, such as the issue of how "open" to be. You will see it as your right to live the way you want to live. He will see it as "flaunting the lifestyle". You are both in different places.

I guess this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I consider you a friend, even though I don't know you in person. And, I wanted to give you an honest answer from my point of view.

Bill, Thanks for writing this. I'm dating a guy who is just coming out. On Sunday, we had a heated debate on the "flaunting our lifestyle" issue. I wish I could have read your essay prior to him asking me why I feel the need to "impose" my sex life on others.

I know my friend has a lot to learn (in spite of the fact that he's a Phd.) He hasn't been through the life experiences we've both had over the last few decades. He's 50 years old and it seems at times as if I'm teaching a child -- it is very frustrating.

I got very angry over his comment and told him that straight people "impose" their sex lives on me every time they put on a wedding ring. They advertise who they have sex with 24/7. They walk down public streets holding hands. They're free to kiss, snuggle, and dance together.

My friend got my message. Unfortunately, he's got much more to learn. I don't know if I have the patience to be his teacher. Much of what I've learned is the result of painful experiences like the ones you have described. Part of me is reluctant to revisit them for my friend's benefit.

Beautiful.