Thoughts on Gay Pride
Yesterday was Connecticut Pride. I actually planned to go, but I found myself losing interest in going. Driving to Hartford (no big deal), hunting for a parking place (a bigger deal), walking a few blocks to the celebration (no big deal), and being confronted with many vendors -- a record number this year I’m told -- many of whom only care about money. Well, that’s naive. They all care about money. That’s why they are there.
But somehow, I felt that going to the pride festival was not so important to me this year. Could this be a new phase of my life, or part of growing older? I feel less of a need to validate myself as a gay man than I used to. Is this not a good thing? Does this mean that I am becoming more a part, or at least feel more a part of a society -- a society who has always cast shame and disdain upon people like me? Or, could it be, that I no longer depend one way or the other on the approval of society?
I think it’s a mixture of all of the above. A lot of it has been the mass exposure society has had to gay people and our issues in recent years. I don’t really think the gay community realizes just how much it has come out of the closet in the last three to four years. Most of it deals with a few key issues...
gay marriage certainly. As awful and mean spirited as state constitutional amendments are in not allowing us access to the full citizenship of this country, these hateful amendments have placed a bright spotlight on the biggest issue we face today - inequality. In spite of it all, I honestly do believe, in time, that the people of this country will do what’s right and noble and fair.
the very public spotlight on key military personnel being discharged from the military because they are gay, at a time when we need all the experience we can get
the great majority of gay people are no longer willing to pay the price of being in the closet. It takes too much energy and deprives you of living life. When you have to lie at a company Christmas party about why your “wife” is sick and couldn’t make it, in no small measure, it kills a bit of your soul. When people come out with courage, it changes minds and opinions. It personalizes the attitudes non-gay people have towards gays. This is happening everywhere, even in the military.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I finally no longer see myself as gay first, American second. I think of myself as an American first, then married (state and federal government, like it or not), then gay. The order of how I see myself has changed. Is this not the essence of pride that I no longer feel a great need to go to a celebration where 98% of the people there will be homosexual, just to feel better about myself or to feel acceptance? Doesn’t acceptance come from within?
The only bitter thing left in all of this was the dance that happened after Connecticut Pride. It began at 9:00pm. I understand why they wanted and needed this. After all, even today, we can’t openly show affection towards our partners without risk. The same is true about dancing with your partner. If you think I’m wrong, go to a nice straight establishment with a dance floor, and ask your partner up for a dance. The establishment will, in no short order, ask you both to leave.
We still have so far to go, and it was sad to me that we still have to have our own place to go for dancing and the showing of affection. I suppose this is why we still need gay bars.
But I’ve learned one thing. Acceptance into this society does not mean that you will lose your identity. It means that you have to accept that identity fully. The fact is, many of us deeply hate ourselves. It’s understandable. We were conditioned to hate queers from an early age. So when we discovered we were queer, it was only natural.
I remember, just before we left San Francisco, that straight couples were moving into The Castro, filling the apartments of gay men who had died of AIDS. One day, I’m walking down Castro Street only to be confronted with a young straight couple with a baby carriage. I was angry and remember saying a rather unkind thing about them. What was really going on was the fear of losing my identity and my pride, and the one place at the time that I could be myself, without fear. If you fully accept yourself inside and like who you are, no one can really take that away from you.
Finally, I read an interesting opinion from Judge J. Harvie Wilkinson III, who is on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit, who wrote this for the Washington Post. I thought I’d share it with you.
The chief casualty in the struggle over same-sex marriage has been the American constitutional tradition. Liberals and conservatives -- judges and legislators -- bear responsibility for this sad state of affairs.
Twenty states have constitutional amendments banning gay marriages; many more are in the offing. On the ballot this fall in six states will be proposed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. Passage of the amendments is all but foreordained, but the first principles of American law will be further endangered. [...]
The Federal Marriage Amendment has helped spread the constitutional fever to the states. State constitutional bans on same-sex marriages vary considerably in their wording, particularly with respect to civil unions. But most would repose in judges the authority to interpret such ambiguous terms as “domestic union,’’ “similar to marriage,’’ “rights, obligations, privileges and immunities of marriage,’’ “incidents of marriage’’ and so forth. Thus the irony: Those who wish to curb activist judges are vesting judges with unprecedented interpretative authority whose constitutional nature makes it all but impervious to legislative change.[...]
It is not wrong for gay citizens to wish to share fully in the life of this country, to partake of its most basic and sacred institution, and to experience the intimacy, bonding and devotion to another that only an institution such as marriage can bring. To embrace this view one need not believe that sexual infidelities will disappear but only that many gay couples will make good on their vows and lead fuller, richer and more productive lives as a result. [...]
It is sad that Virginia, the state of James Madison and John Marshall, will in all likelihood forsake their example of limited constitutionalism this fall. Their message is as clear today as it was at the founding: Leave constitutions alone. (emphasis my own.)
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Dave,
Wonderful post!! You made me think a lot about my posting (that's a good thing!).
What I was addressing more than anything was that a great many of us have to deal with "internalized homophobia", whether we know it or not. I know that term is overused and trite, but it is something that I have had an issue with in my personal life, I believe because I grew up in such a hostile environment. I'm probably no different than 80% of other gays in the country.
I agree with you on most everything, which is why you provoked so much thought in me. I said I called myself American first, when the truth is, I'm struggling to do that because America is trying it's best to throw us away without acknowledging us as full citizens. So, you are right, America has let us down horribly in the regard of acceptance, as it always has.
I believe there are two kinds of acceptance, one is to accept ourselves - many of us have not done that. The other, as you pointed out, is the importance of societal acceptance of us. That is a huge factor in how we think of ourselves. You are absolutely correct about the reason the gay ghetto exists in the first place. I know - I used to live in one for the very reasons you stated. And when I moved to Connecticut, I was, without exaggeration, scared for my life, not knowing what I would be facing in the East. How many straight people go through that when they relocate?
You said, "You will never demand acceptance from the larger society if you don't accept yourself, but once you have accepted yourself, the job isn't done."
If I may reword that a bit, I would say, "You will never demand acceptance from the larger society if you don't accept yourself, but once you have accepted yourself, you must demand and expect acceptance from that society." If we don't demand that same level of acceptance that everyone else is given, we will never be a part of that society. Never.
As for our "leadership" in this country, it's pathetic. I'm holding out hope that we can start to turn the corner this November. If we don't, I'll have to re-access if I even want to label myself "American" anymore.
One thing that I am watching closely is the way things seem to be turning around in regards to marriage amendments. There is a strong chance the Wisconsin amendment may fail. The same may happen in Arizona. I see a slowing trend in the passage of state constitutional amendments. I believe that may be because people have had time to think about it a bit more. Maybe I'm just being an optimist and maybe I'm giving people too much credit. But it seems to me that it's getting more difficult for the religious wackos to get these amendments passed. Of course, there is Virginia which will undoubtedly pass their marriage amendment. Also, the real reason the Wisconsin amendment may fail is because those fighting it are saying that it would also exclude heterosexual straight couples from having health coverage. In other words, they are trying to defeat it's passage based on how it will harm straight couples. To hell with gay couples.
On Connecticut gay pride, I guess Connecticut likes to do their own thing with Pride. The state has the regular pride celebrations in June in other parts of the state, except for Hartford. Hartford celebrates "Connecticut Pride" this time of year. Strange, but they do. They had 70,000 people attend this year according to the news.
Thanks again for the great post.
Great post, Bill. And, an equally great comment from Dave.
Good post, with the exception of "Doesn’t acceptance come from within?" because that isn't true. Perhaps you are confusing acceptance with happiness? While self acceptance is an essential component, there is also a need for social acceptance. You will never demand acceptance from the larger society if you don't accept yourself, but once you have accepted yourself, the job isn't done.
We are a social animal, and no amount of self-acceptance will allow you and Kent to marry, or provide you with equal rights. The reason that gays congregated in 'gay ghettos' is because living with other gays provided the acceptance they could not get elsewhere. Elsewhere could, in fact, be life threatening. This is also the reason for pride parades. If the outside world tells us to be ashamed for truly bizarre reasons, we need to build our own society.
While things in the USA are slowly getting better, the country is still awash in ignorance and bigotry. The fact that Bush could actually be elected after four years of providing clear and irrefutable evidence of incompetence doesn't give me much hope. The fact that so many Americans can be so easily tricked makes me sick. I don't, by any stretch, consider myself an American first. America has rejected me. I despise the fact that our 'leaders' are attending to such silliness as flag burning amendments and cable TV hearings while over 40 million Americans have no health insurance, and thousands die each year for that very reason. Just how many Americans are dying from cable TV overcharges, or tragic flag burning incidents? While there are many good things about America, there is still far too much hatred and bigotry for me to be a flag waver. American is certainly not "the greatest country in the world". That's just plain arrogant, and anyone who believes this doesn't get around much.
Also ... just curious -- isn't this timing a little late for Connecticut Pride? Most of the Pride celebrations across the country are in June, timed to coicide with Stonewall.