Resiliency

Well, that really does say it all, doesn't it?

While in Amsterdam, I visited the Anne Frank House. It was one of the most profound experiences of my life. I went through the rooms of the house, reading notes from her diary along the way. I went through the crawl space that she and her family went through, to hide in the tiny back room - the room that would be hidden by closing a book case over the entrance. In that room, Anne had put posters that were still on the walls, in an effort to brighten the room.

And at the end of the tour, in the very center of a large room, was her diary, centered in a glass case. I openly wept, along with others. I wish I had known her. She was truly remarkable.

So your points are well taken. Words are very powerful. And, when they are out there in the open, you really don't know how they will effect others, or who will read them.

Anne's diary survived. And at the time she wrote those words, many of her entries were probably written down to take her away from the nightmare she was living.

Sometimes, this diary serves the same purpose for me.

I don't know how others will benefit from this.

I think you should stop thinking about it that way. Do you think Anne Frank wondered how people would benefit from her diary?

Here are some of the most notable quotes from her diary:

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be."

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death."

Thanks everyone for writing. It's honestly taken me awhile to just feel like writing again. I'm battling depression once again. I had it very much under control until this happened. Now, I think I will have to go on medication again. I just can't seem to stop it this time.

Today, we went out to breakfast and for the first time in awhile, I read the newspaper. When you are depressed, one of the things I have always done is to isolate myself from the world so that I don't have to deal with the problems the world has. It gives me a chance to just deal with what is going on with me. Sometimes, you have to be selfish that way, to get better. So, reading the paper is a good sign, I suppose.

I wanted to respond to each of you. Your thoughtful comments did not fall on deaf ears. They were very very much appreciated.

Mary,

You are right. There are different levels of happiness. I have been very lucky in life. I have achieved happiness against a lot of odds. Over the years, our collective families have done everything they can in their power to destroy the life Kent and I have together. At times, they were almost successful. And in this last bout with depression, there was a low point when I said to myself, "They've won. I can't do this anymore." But I stopped short of doing anything with that because when depression is going full blast, it's hard to know what's "real" and what the depression is saying. Does this make sense to you? It's like it has it's own voice.

I told Kent that if we were back in college, if I had known then how difficult our families would have made it for us, I don't know if I would have chosen him for my partner. It was probably hard for him to hear, but it was the truth. Today, I'm glad we are together, but it's really difficult for me to take the high road at times. I tell myself, "They just don't get it...", when I really want to take them, shake them, and say, "Fucking GET IT already!" I don't understand how they can hold on to these pet prejudices they have, go to the voting place, and vote away protections for people just like me and their son. I don't understand that because we aren't talking about an issue in the abstract. They know us. And, they know the people this amendment will HURT. I have never in my life knowingly hurt anyone, but that is what they are doing.

So, the night before they left is when the depression started. I didn't know if I would blow up or not and the depression was getting the best of me. I finally said, "fuck it", and decided to turn the depression off. I did that very effectively by going to my medicine cabinet, opening my Xanax bottle, and downing two Xanax. The first one puts you to sleep. The second one stops your brain from dreaming. The result, I win - the depression loses because there's nothing to work with.

That is a very short term solution. You can't take Xanax to deal with the underlying problem. I realize that, and I don't believe in abusing drugs to deal with a problem. But at the time, I had to do something until they had left my home. It worked quite well.

Now, I'm putting the pieces of my life back together. I will call my doctor next week, and start out on a lower dose of antidepressants to control this until I get a handle on it.

Life goes on.

Fritz,

I think it is wonderful that your father is being so open about his feelings towards gay couples, and more specifically, about you.

Don't be creeped out by the acceptance your father is trying to show you. Sometimes, if think that gay people just get used to being shunned, and when acceptance does happen, we have problems dealing with being loved.

Kent and I have tried our best to be an open example to others. This has been a challenge. This web site is an open diary of our lives. I have, at times, been very uncomfortable sharing our life together on this website. This entry, and the one before it, have been very hard for me. My colleagues at work read this blog. Kent's colleagues and students read this blog. How will they judge us? Will they now see us as having problems in our relationship? Will they think that I am now mentally ill because I'm taking pills for depression? These are my fears.

I've even had email on these entries that said that "if I could only be normal", I wouldn't have these problems. So I wonder how others will feel about us now. I almost ended the website abruptly to stop all of this. I didn't because maybe there are others going through this as well. They aren't alone.

I don't know how others will benefit from this. I know that bigotry and prejudice are alive and well across this nation. And, I always thought that when people know you, and realize that sexual orientation is a very small part of what you are as a human being, they would love and accept you.

That has not been my experience, unfortunately. However, it does seem to be happening in your life. If I were you, I'd embrace it with every fiber of my being. I do understand it though. If my father asked me if I'd found a nice man yet, I wouldn't know how the hell to respond to that.

Fiona,

I want you do know that I think you are such a special person for caring so deeply about someone you don't know. I think we share that trait. I wanted to respond to your comment on the entry, "My Family", but it was just too painful to write about.

I want you to know that I did read it, and it was so kind of you to take the time to let me know that someone so far away, was thinking of me. I'd honestly love to meet you someday. Perhaps that will happen.

We are trying to get back to the basics of our lives right now and do simple everyday things. Yesterday, we worked out in our yard, clearing all the leaves that fell off the trees surrounding our home. It was a nice day and wonderful just being outside in the cool, crisp, Fall air.

Tonight, I'm going to cook dinner, and we will sit around the fire afterwards talking and sipping on old Port wine, probably with a cat or two in our laps. That is what our home life is like, when we are together.

I'm also putting together my photo calendar for the year. Every year about this time, I go through all the photos I've taken over the year. From those photos, I select 13 photos that will go into my calendar - one for each month, starting in December of this year (because people may receive the calendar before the year ends).

I then upload the photos to an online service, place my 13 photos into the months I want them displayed under, and order them. The calendars are not sent to me. They are sent directly to the recipients. If you would like one, I'd love to send one to you. Just email me your full mailing address, and I'll take care of the rest.

Getting back to the simple pleasures of life is what I'm all about right now.

Wow am i glad to see you are still writting. Your in laws do not realise how lucky they are to have such a nice, warm, compassionate guy as a son in law but like you said that is there problem.They probably don't dislike you its your sexuality they can not cope with. Perhaps they think that if you had not come along Kent would have met a lovely young lady and they would have got married and given them lots of lovely grandchildren. This is where the problem is. You should be able to get married and adopt lots of lovely children if you so wish. Gay people should not be excluded from family life therefore not excluding the older generation of that extended family they often so mourn for. Time to wake up world. same sex couples are just as capable of having fantastic meaningful marriages as hetrosexual couples and just as capable of being loving careing supportive parents.
Remember you are a good person

I'm glad you're feeling better. I've been meaning to comment on your previous post.

My dad, a life-long conservative Republican, is voting "no" on the Arizona amendment. He's been telling his friends and fellow church members to vote "no" as well.

I think my dad started to change his opinion about my sexual orientation when he saw how close his next door neighbors are to their gay son and his husband. My dad played golf with the guys a few times and had the family over for dinner. He spoke highly of them (both lawyers in their 40s).

Dad has told me that he's worried about me being alone and wonders if he could be to blame for that. Seeing two successful gay men in a long term, loving relationship made my dad realize that it is not on possible, but something that he wants for me, too.

Last Christmas, my dad told me that he would like me to "settle down" and "maybe adopt some grandchildren." Now, dad asks me if I'm seeing any nice men when he calls. I'm still not used to that -- kinda creeps me out.

It is great to know that if my dad were to meet you and Kent he'd extend the same courtesy and respect that he would to a staight couple. I never thought I'd see that.

I guess my point is that you and Kent could very well have the same kind of impact on people that the lawyer couple had on my dad. All they had to do was show him their reality and what could be possible for someone he loves.

I was so glad to see this e-mail hit my in-box. I was writing a response to the original, and will still do that, but resiliency is exactly what you need in this situation. There are different levels of happiness, and there will always be ups and downs (that's what Valium is for - joke!), but you've achieved happiness - and how many people can say that?