October 2007 Archives

Slowly but unmistakably, gay culture is ending. You see it beyond the poignant transformation of P-town: on the streets of the big cities, on university campuses, in the suburbs where gay couples have settled, and in the entrails of the Internet. In fact, it is beginning to dawn on many that the very concept of gay culture may one day disappear altogether. By that, I do not mean that homosexual men and lesbians will not exist--or that they won’t create a community of sorts and a culture that sets them in some ways apart. I mean simply that what encompasses gay culture itself will expand into such a diverse set of subcultures that “gayness” alone will cease to tell you very much about any individual. The distinction between gay and straight culture will become so blurred, so fractured, and so intermingled that it may become more helpful not to examine them separately at all. (source)

Isn’t this what we want? Gay culture existed simply because society labeled us as “gay” or “queer”, along with many other names, to separate us. And we in turn, separated and splintered off from the rest of society. In many parts of the country, this is still very much the case. But in some parts of the country, such as Connecticut and Massachusetts, it’s much less so. I no longer feel a need to be anything other than myself. I’m no longer gay. I’m a person who is many things, and one of those things that’s not very high on my list, is being gay. The reason it’s not high on my list is precisely because it’s not very high on the list of my state. Connecticut has said that gay citizens are equal (aside from denying us marriage). We are protected in our jobs, and against hate crimes. So I don’t have to spend time worrying about all of that stuff. I can feel more a part of society. Surely most gay people would think this is a good thing. I remember when I was gay first, and I also remember that life sucked when I had to do that because my world was very small. I had to watch what I said to people, especially about my personal life. Now, either I don’t feel the need to do that anymore, or I’ve become so comfortable in my skin that I just don’t care anymore what people think. I think it’s more the latter.

Now, there is only one issue that I deal with. I’ve moved on from the marriage issue. I’ve had to at least try to let it go. But you see, the problem is, marriage is still the area in society where we are still queer. And, it’s the one place that society uses to keep us separated. Marriage is doing to us today what the gay ghetto did to us yesterday. The only difference is that one was geography and one is a state of mind. And it’s powerful.

A dear friend of mine recently got married. I very much wanted to be there for her. I simply could not bring myself to do that. I wish her all the happiness in the world, but I can not give my blessing to something that has become so utterly painful for me to endure. I’ve boycotted other weddings as well, and, I’m not alone.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancée of five years, “Beth.” I had always assumed that my brother, “Mike,” who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should “get over it,” and he needs to accept that it’s just “the way things are in the world.”

As hurt as I am, I can’t hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a “reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights” as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

That’s exactly how I feel every damn time I get a wedding announcement in the mail. First, it’s a reminder that I am considered a second-class citizen with every word on the announcement. Then, I go through the feeling of, “How dare they send something so absolutely thoughtless to me?” Then, I go through the guilt of not being there for them.

I understand that they are happy and want to include us in the celebration. But I honestly would rather not be invited at all, without any explanation, than to get this reminder of where I stand in society. Believe me, I know. I don’t need the expensive little printed announcement telling me. I get it already.

I wish my friends all the happiness in the world. I wish I could share those thoughts and feelings with them without the wall of crap that society has put between us. I honestly don’t think I’ll get over feeling this way. I don’t dwell on it, until I’m sent a reminder. I work hard and do my job. I love my photography. I stay as positive in life as I can. I’ve had to leave this issue behind so I can be happy.

Every action has a reaction. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. My reaction is revulsion of getting a wedding announcement in the mail. It’s that same feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after being told that you are being fired because your gay. There wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it then. Today, it’s the same thing with marriage. We are discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially, and we are supposed to be ok with that and “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. Not for me. For me, marriage, something that was once thought to be a celebration of joy, has been turned into little more than a political football, which incidentally, fails 50% of the time.

Except in this football game, there are no winners. Just losers.

The “gay culture” hasn’t quite ended yet. There’s still marriage, and most of the states can still fire you for being gay. And as long as some of us are willing to “be patient” and let some queers (transgendered folks) continue to be discriminated against, yeah, we’ll still have a gay ghetto...

Being transgender is not the same as being lesbian or gay. This fact, coupled with the reality that a portion of the diverse transgender community identifies as heterosexual rather than queer, begs the question of why we should consider ourselves to be one community and postpone our rights to protect people who are not lesbian or gay. I believe that we are one community because the majority of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have consciously come together to work as one community. The reality is that the larger society views all of us who deviate from the heterosexual norm where biological females partner with biological males as “queers.” Moreover, there is for each of us a relationship between our sexual orientation and the ways that we feel compelled to express ourselves and our gender identities.

So, while a sexual orientation only ENDA would prevent me from being fired (or not hired) because my partner is another woman, I could still be denied a job as a lawyer because I never wear make-up, always wear “mannish” business suits and am (apparently) a little butch. In San Francisco, maybe this is not such an issue—but what if I lived in Tallahassee?

At this stage in our history, anti-discrimination legislation that intentionally excludes protection based upon gender identity and expression is bad civil rights strategy that undermines progress on the ground and is not worth the moral compromise and divisiveness that it brings. (source)

For the same reason I can’t go to a wedding and put on a happy face, I also can not go along with discrimination against another segment of society that could be stopped with the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, I’ll have nothing to do with it. And the people in our community who say stupid things like “we need to take baby steps...”, need to realize that it’s real easy to forget those on the other side of the fence who don’t have those rights after we’ve been granted those rights (assuming ENDA passes this time around).

I will not take baby steps on this for the same reason I will no longer attend weddings. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, then ENDA should die. There is nothing to compromise here, except of course, our principles.

We went out to Mashapaug Pond last Sunday for a small hike. These are a few of the photos we took. It was so beautiful that day.

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Since we got home from vacation, it seems like my life has been very chaotic. Yes, I’m still trying to get to the photos we took in Maine when I can, and I’m not too tired to look at a monitor when I get home. So the photos have taken a back seat for a bit. And, I’m still nursing my left arm. While we were taking photos on a rocky coastline, I slipped and fell on the rocks. These were big rocks. I fell flat on my back, knocking the wind out of me. And yes, on my way down, I grabbed my camera in mid air and pulled it in close to my body to protect it. See, I have my priorities straight! :-)

Anyway, my arm hit the edge of another rock. There was this searing pain. I couldn’t feel my hand at all. I told Kent that I thought I had broken my arm. Then the pain left (got to love those endorphins) followed with euphoria, followed by intense pain again, followed by me feeling like I had to throw up, followed by Kent saying, “You are turning pale...”. And all in about one minute.

I sat up and just breathed. My arm felt like there was blood puddling in my jacket. When I got back to our room, my arm had some cuts on it. It still aches today, and now a good portion of my arm is that yellow-red-blue-ish color that looks awful. Moving on...

Not that I have my mind on the Boy Scouts, but last year there was an issue at work (which I can’t talk about even though we supposedly have “freedom of speech”), and once again this year, there is also an issue at work. Not worth going into, but I came across this article on Fox News, you know, the “Fair and unBalanced” people...

The city has ordered the organization to pay a fair-market rent of $200,000 — $199,999 more than its current $1 annual rate — to maintain its longtime offices in a landmark Philadelphia building because of its refusal to allow openly gay Scouts and Scout leaders.

City Solicitor says Romulo L. Diaz Jr. contends that Mayor John Street, City Council and the Fairmount Park Commission (which oversees historic properties) have been asking the Scouts for the past year to submit a clear-cut anti-discrimination policy, and they haven’t done so. In order to comply with Philadelphia laws, he said, he has given the Scouts a choice: agree definitively in writing to stop discriminating, or pay a new rent at market value. [...]

“We know there are gay Scouts,” he said. “Of course there are. We don’t care. Nobody cares. We tried to change the policy. National wouldn’t allow us. We’re trying to do the right thing as all parties are concerned.”

Diaz said such a philosophy is contradictory, and is still flat-out discrimination.

“You cannot welcome people when you say to them publicly, you’re not welcome if you’re gay, but privately you can come in,” he said. “No one is going to feel welcome or want to apply. It’s like (posting a job and saying), if you’re a homosexual, don’t apply here. That should enrage people.” (source)

Yes indeed, it should enrage people. Just like it should enrage people that the U.S. military is more often than not turning a blind eye to gays in the military who are in Iraq because now more than ever, they need bodies.. Hey, we get blown apart like every else, so I suppose we are all equal in that regard. But when this war is over and those brave gay soldiers are not desperately needed anymore in Iraq, they will be discharged. That’s worth at least a pout, isn’t it?

As far as the Boy Scouts of America is concerned, I’ve always maintained that as a private organization, they should be able to be as biased and bigoted as they want to be (the Supreme Court agrees with me on that). But I have to wonder, would the Supreme Court, or anyone else for that matter, agree if they decided to keep black children out of their organization? We all know the answer to that. We should at least be honest about this. We don’t mind them being biased in their membership AS LONG AS it’s against gay people. That’s the honest truth of it, and that is why this issue gets to me. They hide behind the old notion that all gay men might be-could be--wanna be-possibly be.... pedophiles, when they know damn well that being a pedophile and being gay are two entirely different issues. Kind of like, gee, being a straight man and being a pedophile are two entirely different issues. But, they want to protect the children just in case one gets through. That is their reasoning, they say. But the real reason is simple plain old bigotry. Nothing more. Nothing less.

As far as the military goes, to help this issue of low morale and low enrollment, we have started to allow people with criminal records into the military. Their status as felons is known, and they are let in. A gay person who tries to join the military is turned away if they make their gayness known. I guess it’s better to be a felon.

It’s a sign of the times. Things are changing over time I believe. And for the first time ever, we may actually have a national bill that ends job discrimination against gay, lesbian, and bisexual citizens. Of course, we still want to be able to fire transgendered people (someone has to be “queer” and since being gay is less “queer” than it used to be, I guess the transgendered people win the prize). Why is it that we have within us a need to pick on someone? Why can’t we just come to the conclusion that, as long as people are appropriate at work and do their job, it’s really none of our damn business what they are inside? We all have gifts. We all have talents.

At least, the bill is advancing and may have a shot of passing Congress, with a guaranteed VETO from the big dip in the White House. We should not feel bad about this though. He loves uninsured children also and just vetoed a bill because it was too expensive. Here’s a statistic for you: 40 days of what we pay for the war in Iraq = insuring 10 million children for 1 year. And he vetoed the bill.

I’ve also been taken aback a bit at the discussions on the news about whether or not “water boarding” is actually torture. I can’t believe the question even needs to be asked. What does it say about our country that we are debating if it crossed the line to water board a person, without admitting that we are torturing that person, or totally ignoring the Geneva Convention? Our country is in a sad place right now. Maybe that’s why I like to come home, have a drink, chill out, talk to my cats, cook, and live life without worrying too much about where we are heading. I live out in the country. All of that crap is happening “out there”. Right?

Finally, last night, we went to Alumni & Faculty Awards Gala, where Kent was receiving the Faculty Excellence in Research Award. The program was in two parts. First, a very nice reception where food and drink was served, where various people spoke, including the new President of the Univ. of Connecticut. This was followed by the awards ceremony, where each applicant as announced, and a summation of their many achievements were read to the audience. All of the recipients were quite amazing and dynamic people.

After each introduction, the award recipient would talk and share their thoughts. Many times, it was so personal that they would cry. You know me. Anytime someone shares something so close and personal to their heart that they are willing to expose that part of themselves in a very vulnerable and public way, I feel honored to be there for that moment. I thought to myself, Kent’s talk will be less emotional. He did after all, write out what he was going to say. His speech was very nice, and then he said this to everyone:

But, of course, any career includes along with its successes its share of disappointments. Every time I came home with another grant proposal turned down, my partner, Bill, has been there to pick me up off the floor, give me a good kick in the seat of the pants (or a hug, depending on the circumstances), and get me going again. Bill, this award is as much yours as it is mine.

At that point, I heard a friend sitting behind us say under her breath, “nice!”. I didn’t expect this. Kent doesn’t share like that in such a public forum. People know about us. We keep nothing secret, so I am always included in the university functions as his spouse. But there were so many strangers there. And, he came out to them, and declared his love for me. I became filled with emotion, and the tears started rolling. He came back to his seat and sat down, and I put my arm around him and gave him a big hug. I deeply love this man. I’m so damn lucky.

I’m grateful for my life and it all seems so worthwhile when something like this happens. What an awesome journey this is!

We’ve had a nice little vacation to Maine the last few days. It’s been the first time we’ve been able to get away since classes have started at UCONN and I have had a change of staff at work. But now that things are settled down, we thought it would be a nice time to get away for a few days. We are heading home this morning.

We left home on Wednesday afternoon for Ogunquit, Maine, a nice little town along the coast of Maine, that we enjoy going to every year. The history (at least the gay history of Ogunquit), is that it has, over time, come to fully accept its gay travelers. There are many gay establishments here now, and we feel comfortable going just about anywhere in Ogunquit. We’ve never had a problem. In fact, if two men or two women are walking about the streets window shopping or having lunch or dinner at any of the restaurants in town, it is assumed that you are a gay couple. It makes it easier to enjoy your vacation if you don’t have to spend energy trying to look a certain way for your own safety. So, we enjoy coming here.

We stayed at our usual place, Juniper Hill Inn. On Thursday, we went to Rachel Carson Preserve. It’s one of my all time favorite places to visit. Even though it was overcast, we captured some nice photos. From there, we went to a new place called East Point Rocks. I’ll publish my photos on these later with a link here. I got injured while taking these photos. It actually could have been far worse than it turned out to be. We were out on these really big rocks. I was trying to get around Kent to position myself for another shot from a different angle. I stepped down on a rock that was slanted down. It looked wet, but was in fact covered with algae. My foot went completely out from under me. I fell flat on my back on this rock that was for the most part, flat. But, on the way down, I cracked my elbow on the side of a rock. I actually thought that I had broken my arm. My elbow felt hot. I couldn’t feel my hand or forearm at all. And for a bit the pain was incredible. I held my arm with my other arm and Kent said that I was losing my color. I told him I thought I might throw up. Then all of a sudden, the pain went away (you have to love those endorphins), but suddenly returned with greater intensity. I just sat there for awhile. We finally left and when I took my shirt off, the skin had been broken, and there was bleeding under the surface. It’s slowly getting better, but boy, it could have been really bad.

That evening, we went to Five-O Shore Road restaurant. They were closed for their regular dinner, but had room for their five course wine dinner, featuring 5 different wines from the Beaujolais Region of France. It was quite delightful.

Friday we left Ogunquit and moved up to Portland. The entire day was a complete washout. I wanted to visit, Wolfes Neck Woods Park and Casco Bay again. Those were taken of Casco Bay, and a few around Portland last December. Instead, we made the best of the day and just relaxed. That night, we had dinner at Cinque Terra, in Portland. We had dinner there before, and really enjoy the place.

On Saturday, we left for an early breakfast at Betsy’s, Dinera local favorite breakfast spot for the fisherman before they leave for their routes out at sea (Betsy’s opens every morning at 4:00 a. m. Good food but nothing fancy. After that we went to Wolfes Neck Woods. We had a great time. We later left Wolfes Neck Woods for Bradbury Mountain State Park, a place we had not gone before. It’s a bit popular. Many more people there than Wolfes Neck, but well worth the visit if you like hiking. We hiked up to the summit and had spectacular views of fall colors and the area.

Saturday night, we were a bit tired, but went to Fore Street Grill. Every time we come to Portland, Fore Street is an absolute must to visit. You need reservations well in advance since it is a very popular place.

In Portland, we always seem to stay at the same place, the Hilton Garden Inn, on Portland’s downtown waterfront. It’s very comfortable, and in walking distance to Cinque Terre, and to Four Street. And just across the street are the peers, which offer some scenic views as well.

This morning, we head home and get situated for our work week. This was a much deserved get away. I’m rested up and ready for tomorrow. After I get things worked out at home with unpacking, etc., maybe I’ll have a bit of time for photo sets. We’ll see, but they will get posted eventually.

Over the course of the last six months, we have been privileged to be visited daily by a family of wild turkeys. We live out in the country. The lots around us are large, which means that in between the lots, it’s forest. So, the turkeys seems to have this path mapped out where they go from lot to lot, through the forest, out in our yard, and then on to the next lot.

When we first encountered them, there was the mother, who was quite large, and five little tiny fuzzy balls of joy. They would stay hidden in the forest when their mother would enter our yard. When she made sure it was all clear, she would signal them to come out. They were so cute running as fast as they could to catch up to their mother.

Over time, they learned that we would not harm them. On our porch, we have a series of bird feeders for smaller birds. The seeds that the birds didn’t eat would fall to the ground. So these turkeys came quite close to the house to pick up the access seed that had fallen on the ground. I went outside once to sit on the steps of the porch. I didn’t realize they were there. I looked over to my right, and five feet from me was the mother turkey who briefly looked up to say a gobble or two, and proceeded to eat more. I simply said, “Hello there”, and that was that.

Over the course of time, the small ones grew until they were close to the size of their mother. Today, they stick together, but the mother is no where to be found. The other day, I spotted her in the back yard, but without her five youngsters. They had gone their separate ways. And in time, the siblings will part and go their separate ways as well. That’s the way it is with turkeys.

This is the way human beings relate as well, aside from the fact that we like to think of ourselves as being more evolved.

My family and I are quite distant, physically, and emotionally. For the most part, I like it that way. My family has a lot of baggage that I really don’t need in my life. As a gay man, like many other gay men, friends are extremely important to me. They become family to me. I think this is why I place such strong importance on friendship, I suppose, to a fault.

I have worked with people who were like brothers to me. There are a few individuals who fall into this category. They happened to have worked with me in the past, or at the place I work at. When they left the company, they each pledged to keep in touch. I was sure they would because I had close emotional ties to them. In fact, I considered one like a brother to me. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. And when he left the company, on his last day, I privately went to a private conference room, closed the door, and cried. I know, it sounds like an over-reaction, but I knew the guy for over a decade, I knew his family, and over that time, somehow, he kind of became my extended family, honestly, like a brother to me. We have exchanged only one email since the time he left. In that email was a promise of a lunch, but I know that nothing will happen. We have gone our separate ways.

So too has it been with four other individuals who “wanted to keep in touch”. I had dinner with one about a year ago, after not seeing him for five years. He never called back, but later sent me an email stating, “I have been a horrible friend...”. Well, yes. I can’t argue with that. But it seems to be human nature.

My problem is that I’m not a turkey! When I give my friendship to someone, it lasts a lifetime. I have a friend who is a turkey. He is a childhood friend. He went his separate way. I haven’t heard from him in about 12 years. But here’s the thing. If he needed me and called me, I’d be right there for him just like it was yesterday, with no questions asked. That is what I am.

I accept that 99.99% of all people are turkeys. I simply have to get over being hurt when they treat my sacred friendship with them as if I’m a fellow turkey, because, I’M NOT. I never brush off a friendship. I never forget people. I care for people, and I think I want to keep it that way, even though they don’t return the favor.

Outside of my little microcosm of friends turkeys, what does this mean for America? It means that as a nation, generally speaking, we have no allegiance with anyone really, accept for ourselves and the people that are in our lives at the time. We, for the most part go through life having people enter and leave our lives, thinking little about it... just like the turkeys in my back yard. And people are ok with that it seems. And when America really starts falling apart economically and socially (for those of you out there who are not turkeys, but ostriches who have your head in the sand, it’s already happening), we will really have only ourselves to rely on because we are, after all, only turkeys.

Think about it.

Why am I different? Because at an early age, when my friends were dying of AIDS, we made promises to each other, as though our very lives depended on it. We would “mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.” I kid you not. And I can’t tell you everything that entailed. No, I really can not tell you, if you get my drift. Let’s just say, we did what we had to do for our friends, and part of that pledge was to never talk about these things again. That is what friendship is to me.

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Legislators from Connecticut passed a bill in 2005 which created civil unions - legal arrangements that provide some of the same benefits and responsibilities as marriage.

However, the state cannot provide the same federal benefits of marriage due to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which says no state need recognize a marriage between persons of the same sex, even if the marriage is recognized in another state. The Federal Government may not recognize same-sex marriages for any purpose either.

Tax and estate lawyers in the state are recognizing that their expertise is being challenged by gay unions because of the differences between state and federal law. For example, if one partner dies and leaves the estate and money to a domestic partner, Connecticut will not tax the gift - but the federal government will apply a 45 percent tax on the estate before the other partner receives it. (source)

Gawd!!! A 45% tax on our estate! I knew that because we are unable to get married that there would be an estate tax for the surviving spouse. I had accepted that. But 45%!? I mean, WTF!!!!!!

Hell, I don't even know what to say about that. It kind of makes you think, why try to build an estate? Part of growing older is finding security in the fact that, if you've planned well for your later years, that the reward for all that planning and saving will be that you will have a nice estate to retire on. And, when a partner dies, that can be passed on to them. But with this, right off the top, the Federal Government will apply a 45% tax on the estate. And for those married couples that the Federal Government does recognize, the estate tax is... 0.

It's the same way for gay couples who are married in Massachusetts. They are legally married in the state, but the Federal Government will not recognize them. Maybe with a new Congress... a new President... things will change. I guess that's what I have to put my hope in. I know a lot of people don't care for gay people, but it seems to me that even reasonable people would see this as being extremely unfair.

We took a really nice canoe trip yesterday down the Housatonic River in western Connecticut (and a tiny bit of Massachusetts). We drove to Clarke Outdoors in West Cornwall, CT. The total length of the canoe trip, according to our GPS, was 9.3 miles.

The section of the Housatonic we were on was very placid for the most part - only one small rapid. Normally, they would drop us off downriver, but because it’s been so dry, water levels were too low in that part of the river. Instead, they took us up-river, above the dam. We had a great time, and the weather, even though a little warm, was nice.

It’s still a little early for fall colors, and because it’s been so dry, they may not be very good this year. We stopped for dinner at a Bertucci’s in Canton, and collapsed when we got home. We are still a little tired and sore today, but we had a great time and it was still a really nice day.

Here are a few photos from the trip. Feel free to view the full photo set.

Bill, just after we had lunch

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