Friday Breakfast Delights
We went to Charlie’s this morning for breakfast. It’s a weekly ritual with us. Every single Friday, we go to Charlie’s for fresh bagels, juice of some sort, and really good coffee. It’s kind of our way of celebrating the end of the week and the upcoming weekend.
This morning, we sat in front of the fire. Just a couple of tables over was another couple - man and wife I presume, and 60-65ish. My back was to the fire and I was facing their table. No big deal. But, he kept staring at me, and not in a good way. I could tell exactly what he was thinking. And when I say staring, I mean constant staring.
The entire affair reminded me of an incident that happened to us years ago when we lived in San Francisco. We were walking down Market Street, and stopped at this Asian restaurant that we would visit now and then. This man came in and started staring at us. He then walked over to our table, and not so politely asked if we were “fags” (how can one put that politely?). We basically ignored him, but he was quite persistent. We didn’t want trouble, so we continued to ignore him. He then went over to this lady that was sitting at her table. Her boyfriend was at the register paying their bill. He asked her if she was disgusted, as he was, at the site of a couple of “fags” in the restaurant. She replied, “It doesn’t bother me at all.” He then said to her, “Why? Are you queer also?” In disgust, she looked at him, and stated, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.” He then said, “So you are gay!” But then her boyfriend returned, thereby answering the mans question that apparently she was not gay.
During this entire time, the restaurant managers/owners just watched, and did nothing. The man finally left. Our meal was basically ruined because I just wanted to get out of there. We left without eating, or paying the bill. And, we never went back.
I vowed over the years that if the same thing ever happened, I would say something because I was sick and tired of that crap. So this morning, when the man kept starring at the gay couple by the fire, I thought about looking right at him and saying with some attitude and force, “TAKE A PICTURE! IT LASTS LONGER!!!” But, I didn’t. I realized that the fire I had inside of me has been replaced by something more powerful. It’s the issue that people of lesser minds no longer really find a place on my radar. My way of dealing with things like this is the reality that intolerant and stupid people will eventually die. And, they are usually older people of the last generation. Why should I even bother with them? After all, they are simply trying to ruin my day to prop themselves up, and that can only happen if I give them the power to do so. And that can only happen if I acknowledge that they matter. They don’t.
I feel sorry for people like that. No, I really do. If they are that consumed with people like Kent and myself that they completely forget to enjoy their own breakfast and tend to their own damn lives, then how much more of life are they missing?
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We all have to be careful in the environment we are in. In some parts of the country, it's just not safe to be open in the least. I'm lucky a bit. I live in the more liberal Northeast. I say "the more liberal" because even here I hear people say awful and hateful things about gay people. So I know that if I were in the wrong place at the wrong time, I could easily become the victim of a hate crime. That's just reality.
In other parts of the country, if people find out you are gay, you have a very real chance of being the victim of harassment or violence. Since you live in that environment, you obviously have to be very careful, or, consider leaving that area.
I'm humbled by the people who stay and fight the good fight. When the anti-gay marriage frenzy was happening across this country, I knew there would be more hate crimes. I advocated that people should move to more welcoming places, where they could live happier and more open lives (and not pay tax dollars to states who don't mind being openly hostile to gay people, like Virginia).
There's something to be said for staying and trying to effect change. I used to be one of those people. But something happens to people when they get older. You get tired of constantly fighting. You want your piece of the American Dream. You want to stop worrying so much that if you slip up, you might get hit in the head with a hammer.
People really don't understand just how hostile this country is to people in our minority.
You mentioned that you will be coming back regularly. I very much welcome that! :) I should let you know though, that should you want to be notified of my postings, you can elect to sign up an email subscription to this blog. When I make postings, it will email you the entry. you can then click on the title of the entry which will bring you to that entry on this site, where you can comment should you like. You can also opt out of the email subscription at anytime. On each email you get, there is a link to stop the subscription.
Just thought I'd mention it if you'd like to do that as well.
I know this is an old thread, but you took the words out of my mouth. I'm surrounded by fanatically racist and sexually prejudiced people as I live (on the buckle of) the bible belt. This is a big town with a very reclusive, very hushed gay community. Here we are kind of forced to blend in. There are countless unreported hate crimes and it's dangerous to be open. I'm not saying people here are all prejudice and that no-one is open... but it seems that way at times. I guess I'm fortunate that I don't stand out or attract attention, but there are times it's really hard not to react to the slurs, jokes, stares... the open ignorant hatred.
Especially when its spewed from the mouths of toothless, hay-stacking, wife-beaters with a half-assed 6th grade education and a likely propensity for acts of incest and animal abuse. Here it is dangerous to fight back, and dangerous not to. It's dangerous to say anything, and its incredibly painful not to. Painful to endure. I just found this site and will be coming back regularly.
I know for me personally, I would have most DEFINITELY said something, like the all-to-common line I've gotten when lingering over the sight of some not-so-sure-in-their-masculinity straight guys: "You got a problem?!?"
I'm not sure what to say about whether people should make a big deal over stuff like this. But I do know that every time that you get angry and react to stupid people, you pay a price. You can tell them off, and when you leave, you can tell yourself that you told them off and you are better off for it.
But are you really? You just raised your blood pressure by 10 points, AND, you are going to relive the experience at least ten times in your head during the day. All of that takes it's toll on you.
In the meantime, the incident will only reinforce how they feel about people like us (who they now view as not only sexual deviants, but rude), and nothing has really changed.
When I said that the only way things will get better is for people like that to die off, I meant it. I suppose that sounds bad, but when people get to that age, it's not realistic to expect them to change. If anything, they will only get more set in their ways. All of these state amendments that were passed to prevent people like Kent and I from achieving equality, will stay in place until more enlightened people (the younger generation) come into power and realize that the past generation were nothing more than immature self centered bigots.
That's worth more to me than any words I can speak.
I know just what you are saying about making the transition from being on-fire mad, to a general type of pity for people who have nothing better in their lives than to be concerned with mine. Unfortunately, I think I'm stuck somewhere in there though as I seem to go back and forth a lot. One minute I'm ready to lash out, and then the next time it happens I just let it go without the angst of a stomach ulcer. I think I may be that way for awhile...