February 2008 Archives

I heard a few days ago that Nancy Reagan had fallen and had been hospitalized. I felt bad for her. It occurred to me that when her husband, Ronald Reagan had died, I wrote about his passing. I was angry that so much was being made about a man that very selectively helped people.

But people change with age. Ronald Reagan later, after leaving the presidency, said that he should have done more for people with AIDS. You bet he should have. They were Americans. And, while he was President, Nancy urged him to do more for people with AIDS, probably because her hair dresser came down with AIDS. No, I'm not making this up. Very self serving people. And perhaps the late President Reagan only wanted to help people with AIDS because, being from the entertainment industry, he knew some people with AIDS. But, he didn't use his power to help them until he was out of office. Or, until it was politically safe for him to do so.

So, when he showed up at a rally to show support, he shouldn't have been surprised that an AIDS activist shouted at him (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't have the exact quote), "You've done enough already. We don't need your damn help." Those were my sentiments as well.

So now, why do I feel sorry for Nancy Reagan? I suppose for the same reason that Jane Fonda should be forgiven for being photographed in 1972 sitting in a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft tank. She stated on 60-minutes concerning the event, "I will go to my grave regretting that. The image of Jane Fonda, Barbarella, Henry Fonda's daughter, just a woman sitting on a enemy aircraft gun, was a betrayal. It was like I was thumbing my nose at the military. And at the country that gave me privilege. It was the largest lapse of judgment that I can even imagine. I don't thumb my nose at this country. I care deeply about American soldiers." Some people will never find forgiveness in their hearts. It's just not what they are made of. But my experience is that age changes your perspectives on life, issues, and people.

People make mistakes and attitudes on issues change over time. It's important to understand that and it's important to put it into a context of time. It used to be "ok" with most people that gay bars were routinely raided by the police. In those days, it was really the only place to go to meet other gay people. Why go to gay bars? Because you felt so damned isolated. Most people saw little wrong with the police ruffing up some gays. And the people who went out and beat up gay people were never prosecuted. And if a gay person was murdered in the process, the police looked the other way many times. Indeed, the defense attorneys for the two boys convicted of the murder of Matthew Sheppard thought at first that their case was very strong because no jury in Wyoming would convict someone who killed a gay person. Why did they feel this way? Because it happened all the time. The same can be said of the plight of African Americans.

But looking back on those times, I believe that most people today find it unacceptable that many gay people (dare I say most?) today live with an element of fear every single day. Most find the practice of gay bashing unacceptable, unless you're Ann Coulter, and feel that it should be prosecuted. They don't quite yet believe that gays deserve federal protection from job discrimination or hate crimes, but at the local and state level, I see more of these crimes being prosecuted all the time. I guess that's why I'm willing to go to Idaho to see my family. But I do realize that outside the largest city of Boise, if people know that I'm gay, the risk I run or being gay bashed rises exponentially. It's a risk for me. I'm too old to lie to people anymore, or to give a damn. If someone has a problem with me, they won't have to try and figure out if I'm gay if they are too stupid to figure it out on their own. I'll simply tell them. I have to if I want to keep my personal pride and integrity.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to be scared when we lived in San Francisco. I remember being harassed many times while we lived in San Francisco. On one occasion, we left our apartment and were walking towards Market Street. Some schmuck started following us. He shouted, "Hey, are you two homosexuals?" We kept walking, but started walking faster. I asked Kent, "Should we stop?" We kept going. Then we heard the man say, "Are you two faggots? I'm talking to you!" By the time he said that, we were passing five other guys who witnessed this. They started talking to the guy to find out what his problem was. We kept walking. But then I heard shouting from a distance as a fight started. Over the years, I've wondered what happened, and I now regret living in that fear. Today, I would go back to the fight and finish it.

I guess the bottom line is, people have to learn to forgive others so that they themselves can move on, and grow. I've grown tired of being angry at people for wrongs they have done against me. Time, and a changing of attitudes will do more to those who oppress us than I could ever do. Time will do for marriage equality for gay couples what it did for slavery for African Americans.

I wish Nancy Reagan all the best and a speedy recovery. Sometimes I think the real lesson of life is letting go of crap that doesn't matter, and simply living.

We had our usually Saturday morning breakfast.... bagels, sliced onion, sliced tomatoes, cream cheese, capers, and smoked salmon, accompanied with fresh coffee from our French press coffee maker, and fresh orange juice. It seems to be a ritual with us.

We were going to take a hike/photography outing today, but decided against it. There is the annual eagle spotting tour down the Connecticut River that we've done in other years, but with the temperature around 14 degrees, that's probably not going to happen.

So, we are thinking of going to Westfarms Mall. It's a bit of a journey for us, but Kent wants new shoes and for some reason the mall closest to us didn't have what he is looking for. But more importantly, they have a Mac store. Actually they have two Mac stores. One sells Mac cosmetics, and the other one, computers. Today, I'm probably going to go to the computer store. Since my iRiver music played died, and I have since bought a Macbook Pro, I've had my eye on the new iPod that is out. We'll see what happens.

Have a nice day everyone!

And with all of that, the Roger Clemens-Brian McNamee appearance before a congressional committee yesterday wasn't really about anything at all.

You could compare it to Joe McCarthy and the House Committee on Un-American Activities, except that the direction of a country might well have turned there. You could compare it to Shakespeare, except that the Bard tends to leave his audiences pondering the most complex issues of the human condition. Or to the O.J. trial, except that at the core of that sideshow was the fact that two people died. ...

One of the blowhard congressmen, Dan Burton, actually got it right when he said: "This kind of a hearing, this kind of a circus really bothers me. If [Clemens] has done something wrong, he should be indicted, he should be prosecuted and he should be punished for it."

If it really mattered, he would be. It doesn't really matter. But, boy, what a show, what a distraction, until the next one comes along. (source)

And yet, we can't seem to do the same thing to the likes of Harriet Miers, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, or any of the rest of the sorry lot.

President Bush says Africa has a bright future despite poverty and conflicts across the continent, and the United States is committed to being a partner with Africa. (source)

Mr. President,

How about being a partner for America first? When will you start doing something (anything) to help out our own citizens?

Feeling lonely in the Lone Star State this Valentine's Day? You'll be glad to know that the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals has just overturned a statute outlawing sex toy sales in Texas. ...

The statute was seldom enforced. But the owners of two Austin sex shops, as well as a retail distributor doing business as Adam & Eve, claimed it hindered their business and deprived potential customers. The state argued that it had a moral basis for maintaining the law, "discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation."

The 5th Circuit, however, found that sexual privacy supersedes that morality. The court cited Lawrence v. Texas, the 2003 U.S. Supreme Court decision that struck down bans on consensual sex between same-sex couples. The 5th Circuit, siding 2-1, said it is unconstitutional to punish individuals selling sexual devices, since those devices are typically used in the privacy of people's homes. (source)

I love the caption under the photo, "Should buying sex toys be as easy as buying guns?" I don't know... sex toys versus guns. That's a tough one. At least now there's more to do in Texas besides shooting people and going to bar-b-ques.

Over the course of this blog, I've covered many topics. And, over the course of my writing, the United States has changed drastically. Indeed, many of my opinions have changed as well.

For example, I once vowed to never go to a state that has bigoted views towards people like me. It's not that I'm pushing "gay marriage", or "gay rights". It seems to be difficult for average people to understand that the phrase I'm pushing is "equal rights", not "special rights". And why is it "special rights" only when it applies to gay people? Is it because they are bigoted? When I challenge them to give me just one single "special right" that I am asking for that they don't already have, not once have they been able to come up with one. Not once.

Arizona is back at it again. They voted down a marriage amendment 2006, but now they are trying again...

Voters may be asked to ban gay marriage in Arizona . . . again.

The leaders of both the House and the Senate introduced measures Monday to place a constitutional amendment on the fall ballot that defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

The move, which has garnered widespread Republican support, follows the stunning defeat of a marriage amendment here in 2006, when Arizona became the first state in the nation to reject an anti-gay-marriage ballot measure. (source)

And this this article that appeared in the Arizona Republic...

And really, is there anything that gets conservative pulses racing more than a bill aimed at gays?

Then again, maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll kick start the state's economy. Maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll improve the state's woeful public education system or the state's woeful transportation system.

Maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll get the Legislature to take a closer look at what goes on at Child Protective Services. Another two Tucson children have died in the past few weeks while the agency was supposed to be watching.

Heck, maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - legislative leaders will somehow do the only job they must, by law: undertake and figure out what to do about the fact that the state is spending a billion dollars more than it has with just four months left in the fiscal year. (source)

There seems to be nothing that gets conservatives to the polls like some good old gay bashing.

It's not that I am pushing marriage equality for people like Kent and myself. Would I like to see that? Absolutely. But is it worth me tearing myself apart out of frustration because much or our liberty-loving country is willing to tear into my equal rights? No, not really. You see, I've come to expect disappointment from people, both at work and in my personal life. Being at peace with that doesn't mean that I've accepted it as right. It means that I have limited resources to give -- both physically and emotionally -- and I simply can't be bothered any longer because the majority of us don't give a damn about anybody but ourselves. Yes, I honestly believe that. I realize that I'm not very optimistic anymore. That's why I feel excitement about Barack Obama. He seems to still be filled with hope, and that is what we desperately need. And more specifically, he will not push hope at the expense of another group....

"And it [hope] lives on in those Americans -- young and old, rich and poor, black and white, Latino and Asian and Native American, gay and straight -- who are tired of a politics that divides us and want to recapture the sense of common purpose that we had when John Kennedy was president of the United States of America."

Kent and I are going to Arizona in March. I'll enjoy their scenery (and their warmer climate), and we'll spend our money. Yeah, it's kind of like paying them to kick us in the gut while we're down, but that's what our country likes to do. If you think I'm just a down person, just ask yourself, isn't this the way our country is going?

So, I've limited my exposure to politics and the like. I honestly don't give a damn what Arizona does. Whatever it is will define who they are as people. As for me, I'm still Bill -- a person who, although I've become very cynical in people and government in general -- will not give up on my principles and what I stand for. I will therefore help out those who need help where I can even though there's nothing in it for me, always be there for my friends, and help those who, if they knew I was gay, would most likely not like me very much.

That is what is missing in our country today; helping others selflessly. We put people into categories, and demonize them. And why? To stir up voters to get them to the polls, all for a few lousy votes. We fail (or refuse) to see what that does to the people who are demonized. We simply don't care. That is why this next presidential election will be a turning point for America. It's probably the most important election I've ever lived through. And it's really heart warming to see more young people involved and enthusiastic about the direction we are taking. More and more of them realize that pitting groups of people against each other is not moving our country forward and that these tactics simply divert us from dealing with larger issues. I just hope that the people of Arizona can see that as well.

During the last couple of months, I've had a friend who has been battling an illness, a couple of others who are going through very rough times with depression and medication, and one who has lost a loved one in an auto accident. This is what is important to me. People who matter. The other stuff doesn't even register on my map any longer. America will find it's way, or not.

I'm thinking of going to Idaho sometime this summer. There are some friends in Idaho I want to see, and, it may be the last time I see my brother. Idaho has gone out of it's way to put people like me in legal limbo. And I'm sure violence against gay citizens is just as high now as it has been in the past. And I'm sure the police are just as concerned about that as they have been in the past. But I can't be stopped by that. I need to see my friends. And the fact that Idaho sucks in how it treats it's gay citizens can not be my problem any longer. The state has always treated these citizens this way. I know very well. I used to live there. I will go. See my friends, and come home where I am treated with a bit of dignity. But I won't shut my friends out of my life because the state they live in sucks when it comes to treating all citizens with equality and dignity.

At some point in your life, you have to rise above these issues, because you just won't be around forever. Life is too short to let all the jerks of the world make you miss your chance at peace and happiness.

I thought I'd share a few photos of our orchid. You have to love orchids to deal with them. All year long you take care of them, and you get nothing. You care for a plant that's really not all that appealing to look at. But then, once a year, it will send up a spray of flowers, and you get this. It makes it all worth it.

I was having a perfectly wonderful Saturday. The night before resonated with the sounds of rain and sticks following from the trees outside. I would be awakened by the sound, and then would hear the purr of one of my cats reassuring me that everything was perfect. I went back to sleep.

I'm restless these days. Kent is away on a trip and where we live, it's quiet. So when I'm alone in the house, it's very noticeable to me. Fortunately, I had an appointment with Karen, my hair stylist. I don't know what the hell she was doing to my hair, but it ended up taking three hours to complete. I must say though, that I look like Tom Cruise -- at least until I shampoo it. I asked her, "Does this come in red?" She was less than amused. I left, and went home.

Then, I got a call from work. Actually, hours had past and they had been trying frantically to get hold of me. With messages like, "...our domain is no longer valid...", "...I can't log into the domain...". I wanted to say, "...take the domain and...", but, I didn't. I can't. I'm always on call. That's what I do. I'm always on call. So, rather than trying to answer all the damn phone calls, I did the next logical thing. I turned my phone off. I tried to connect but was unable too. I came to two conclusions; either Hartford has been hit by nukes, or we've suffered a power failure. Given the ice storm the day before, and the heavy rains that night, I decided it was probably related to the weather. But, I had to drive in to work.

I was right. Power outage, which brought down all the domain controllers. So, I had to restore the power, let the domain controllers find their collective minds again, and reboot every single server to let them all know that order has been restored to the universe.

After that, it was a toss up. It was 5:30 and I hadn't eaten anything all day long. I was hungry. I decided to head across the river into Hartford, to Hot Tomatoes, where my friend Donovan works as a bartender. The place was packed. Some damn sport thing -- super bowl or some shit. What a nuisance! It's practically impossible to get into the place. When the man behind the little podium asks, "May I help you?" I replied, "No! I can help myself. Help THOSE people." I proceeded to the bar where Donovan was working. He had created a martini for me without me even asking. I said, "How did you know?" He said, "You look like you need one." I said, "You have no idea." He asked what I wanted to order and I replied, "I can't decide...", after looking at the menu for ten minutes. I told him to order dinner for me. He did a great job. Starting out with a goat cheese salad, with candied walnuts, goat cheese, spinach, and a lite dressing. I scarfed down the salad quickly. He said, "Boy, you were hungry." I told him, "It just occurred to me that I haven't eaten today." He brought out chicken saltimbocca, with garlic mashed potatoes, and fried spinach. I asked, "They can fry spinach?" Well, I know it sounds awful, but it's really quite amazing how concentrated the flavors are.

So I'm sitting there enjoying my dinner, and this lady starts talking to me. Her name was Shannon. She said that she works for one of the major hotels in Hartford as THE event planner. After shouting at each other over the noise of the restaurant and all the sports jocks coming into the bar to talk jock talk, I decided to move over next to her so we could talk. And after I told her that she looked just exactly like my cousin, she told me about being fluent in French and very good at photography.

I told her, "I suck at French, although I do drink champagne well. Does that count?" And we talked most of the evening about photography. She is old school (film). I said, "But isn't film expensive and basically a pain in the ass to work with?" She replied, "Yes, but you have so much control, and I only process in black and white."

This I understood. I told her, "Awww, technique." In music, if you are performing with an orchestra, there's a lot of space to hide a mistake. Even if you are soloing, it's not the end of the world if you miss a note here and there. And it happens to everyone, even the most advanced. But when you are all alone on the stage and it's just you (the only noise heard), there's no room to hide. Everything is exposed. It's important to know that.

This is true with photography as well. In color, there's noise. Yes, and other things also.... like composition, focus (or lack of), depth of field, and all the other rules. But in black and white, there's no color to hide behind. Your errors are magnified because they are either right or wrong.

With all of this in my mind, with my logic muddling it's way through my martini logic, I told Shannon, "I'm not good enough to do black and white yet. I don't have the technique." She replied, "The fact that you can say that to me shows me that you do have the technique. You are lazy!" I then asked, "No, I'm old as hell and, are you Basque?"

She's probably right. I do have the technique. It's more a matter to time. You see, there are two different worlds of photography. There are those who take photos all day. And, there are those who take a moment in time, and then that moment is gone forever. That is the artist. And, let me tell you, it can take hours to create that. Most people simple do not have the time or patience to do that. But for me, it is interesting to see what I end up with, and if that's good, then I'm pleased. The down side is that I can invest in an entire weekend and end up with crap.

So I ended my conversation with Shannon, a very outgoing and pretty woman. I'll probably never see her again, unless I let her plan our wedding. That would be cool.

Oh, and I'm really starting to understand the very very complex world of Gustav Mahler. I don't know if that's a good thing. He's so disturbingly and depressingly complex. I thought I hated him, but am I becoming him? Is that why I am starting to understand him? Does anyone out there know what I'm talking about?

Now I'm totally confused. I thought I was for Barack Obama, and now I'm not so sure. Hillary was convincing as well. And, the tone was much more possitive last night.

I guess this means that I'm now officially an "undecided".

Hummmm, will I actually go for Hillary?

Guilt's like plutonium: A little goes a long way. And the way you harness its awesome might is by being serenely, divinely all-forgiving and above it all. With a beatific glow, gaze upon your relatives with Virgin-Mary-like understanding and say: "Listen, it's okay, I still love you. We wish you could be there, but since you can't, we'll think about you and let you know how it all goes."

If that doesn't melt their frosty crusts, then you're better off without them.

But don't succumb to bitterness or anger. Be like Jesus on the cross: "They know not what they do." They're a product of their time and upbringing.... (source)

I don't know about the plutonium analogy. He kind of lost me on that one when he talks of "the way you harness its awesome might is by being serenely, divinely all-forgiving"... When plutonium gets pissed, "forgiving" isn't exactly the term I would apply to it.

I'm all for having peace in the family, IF POSSIBLE. But, I won't sacrifice my standards for that peace. I will listen, and give when I can. But if it were me, and my family wouldn't come to my wedding, it would probably be something like this; "Listen, it's okay, I still love you. We wish you could be there, but since you can't, we'll think about you and let you know how it all goes. So go fu*k yourself and the horse you rode in on!"

And if I were Jesus, I would forgive them. Like, "They know not what they do. So they can go fu*k yourselves and the horses you rode in on!"

I think that's why people don't put ultimatums to me. I don't receive them well, but I definitely respond to them well. It's not that I'm a hateful or unforgiving person. Nothing is further from the truth. But my life has not been filled with acceptance. That's fine. I've come to accept the fact that people usually disappoint you because of their lack of will to understand you or to accept you. But, as Joan Crawford once said, "It's a sword... cuts both ways." Aside from her other issues that I won't get into, on that point, she was right. You get what you give.

I suppose some day Connecticut will offer marriage to gay couples. When that day comes, Kent and I may well tie the knot. I'm hoping that our families will be supportive of that. I'd like to have it in Idaho because it would make it easier for all of them, along with our friends, to be there. But of course, it wouldn't be legal if we had it in Idaho because Idaho will never allow us to get married. I suppose we could have a "get together of celebration" in Boise. I don't know if it would be bittersweet for us because we would know that it really wasn't our wedding we were celebrating. But heck, a party is a party, right?

The other thing that I've come to understand of late is that just because others are intolerant and life isn't all what you want it to be, we all must make the most of every day and love those who really love us for what we are to the fullest extent possible. So when I mention how I would respond to intolerant people above, it's not out of hate. In fact, the reason I respond like that is because I don't like to keep that crap in. I say what I have to say, and I'm over it. I thank my Aunt Verna for that one.

It's important to tell those in your life that you love, that you love them. Tell them often, in every way possible. Live life today, in the moment. Don't assume there will be a tomorrow. Live life today.