I had a better day today. We went out for our usual Friday morning bagels at Charlies, and afterwards, Kent dropped me off at home. I got my things together and went off to cardiac rehab.

I started by walking up and down the hall three times to warm up. I then decided to make peace with the nurse that gave me grief the last time, by buying her a freshly brewed cup of decaf coffee. I gave it to her and said, "This is for you." She looked at it and said, "I don't take cream." I said, "I know. That's why it has a little low fat milk in it." She said, "How did you know that's the way I have my coffee." I answered, "You look like a low fat milk kind of person. Besides, being a cardiac nurse kind of gives it away. You know, if you'd like something with that, they have these wonderful cream puff pastries they are selling that I'm just sure are low fat." She said, "I wouldn't eat that stuff, and neither will you!" But, she said it with a smile on her face. Then she proceeded to tell me that I have to check in before I do my warm up so they can take their initial blood pressure reading before I exert myself. I tell you, she's a tough one. I've never met anyone like her before. Except for perhaps, me.

It went better today. I stayed within the parameters of the program, except for the warm up blunder. I was thinking of something that Albert Einstein said..

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them."

So that's what I'm trying to do; accept my limits. I accept that if I do this or that, it will hurt, and that's my body's way of telling me my limits. I need to listen to that more.

I've also accepted that there's just a lot of stuff I have to just let others do. I'm doing end-of-summer cleaning where I can. How do I do this? I outsource it. So two days ago, I had a guy come and power wash my home and deck. Today, two guys came to wash all the windows inside and out, along with the screens. And tomorrow, a guy is coming by to seal the deck with oil stain. It should look nice. Everything is off the deck except the grill. It's takes two people to carry off, and it's way over my allotted 15 pound lift limit. Since Kent will be here tomorrow, I'll let him and the painter carry it off. Then I think I'm almost ready for Fall, with the exception of a touch up here and there, and sealing the chairs we have in our shade garden.

It's hard to believe that it's mid-August already. Where did the summer go? It's rained so much this summer that my lawn is fully green and I haven't watered it at all all summer. Soon, it will be "mum season". Mums are really a big deal back here. Everyone gets them. I've grown to like them for splashes of color here and there.

Kent is home, and it's supper time. Take care everyone.

This morning was the second session of my cardiac rehabilitation program. Two sessions down, and 34 more.

I know my way around the place now. The facility is at Manchester Hospital, and is largely run by nurses. My sessions are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings at 8:00 a.m. The first thing you do when you arrive is to walk up and down this long hallway at a fast-walk pace, to warm up. After that, you go into the exercise room. They wire you up with a monitor, and tell you what to do.

It went pretty well, but I grow impatient. I want so much to be as I was. They told me to get on the exercise bike and pedal for 8 minutes. In the last session, they told me that I should go no faster than 30mph. That's the reading on the bike, which seems fast to me. But I went with it because it's just a measurement of where you are at. Today, I decided that I wanted to feel the adrenaline again. I wanted to feel my heart, and the air going in and out of my lungs - without the burning that I had before my operation two months ago.

I pedaled. I kept going a bit faster and faster until the magical number of "50" came up on the bike. I pushed more. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, as I saw three nurses gather around the computer that had a reading of everyone in the room. My lungs filled with air and there was no burning in my lungs like I had before the operation. None at all. And then there was that high that you get from the adrenaline rush. Nothing like it. I finally thought to myself, "I'm over this! I'm back."

I got off the bike after the timer ended and I felt my body for the first time like it was my old self. I go over for another exercise, and one of the nurses gives me this rather nasty look and said, "You can't do that in here! You can't push like that!" I know it's her turf, but she said it with such arrogance, that I responded in kind, "Well, I just did!" She replied, "You do realize that you pushed your heart rate to 140, and with the medication you are on, that's equivalent to around 170?" I said, "No, I didn't realize that, but it's very interesting." She replied, "You are going to be a difficult one aren't you?" I replied, "You have such a way of stating the obvious." She left, and this lady named Pearl, who I would say is 70ish who is also going through the program from having a valve replacement, leaned over to me and said, "I've been wanted to say that to her for weeks."

Well, I probably shouldn't have done that, but I'm so freaking tired of feeling like I'm made out of glass. It wasn't long before this other lady showed up that I had never met before. She came over and wanted to talk to me. She explained the interaction of my medication and exercise. She explained that actually older men in there late 60's and 70's are easier to "deal with" because they expect to go slow. She said, "It's young bucks like you who are a real challenge because you want everything to go faster, and when you come to the realization that it's not going to happen like that, you end up being depressed and down about it. It's normal."

I thought to myself, "She actually understands." Mornings are good. Mid-day is ok. Evenings suck because my stamina is gone. And my lower lungs have "diminished capacity", something that is actually common for bypass patients. It will take time. So, the purpose of this person talking to me was to tell me to slow down and go at their pace. She said, "If you do, I guarantee you that at the end of the 36 sessions, you will feel great."

It was kind of a bummer in a way. She told me that I can not go up and down hills yet, which means that hikes are out. Which also means that most of the hikes that we've taken, we really shouldn't have. "Level walking paths..." is what I'm supposed to do. I guess the rest will come with time. I have to work on patience.

Work absolutely sucks right now for reasons I can't get into. You know, when things happened at work in the past, I've always done what I had to do to make things work out. If that meant that I had to put in enormous hours to make things work out, I did. I can't do that now. So, they are going to have to figure out how they are going to make things work at my pace. I don't know if that means I will be out of a job in a year, but it sure beats being dead. That's the way I have to look at it. It's only a job. It's not the end of the world, unless I let it be.

You'd be surprised at just how many people let their jobs literally kill them. I was almost one of them.

I always loved the HBO series Sex And The City. I loved the characters. But towards the end of the series, I was growing a bit tired of it. So, when the movie Sex And The City came out, I really had no interest in going to see it, at least in movie theaters.

And then the movie came out on cable. It's been in my cable listing for a couple of weeks now, and I've always opted not to see it because movies based on a series are never as good as the original series. In some respects I think that's true here, but I have to say that the movie was excellent. The characters were fresh, dynamic, complex, and the range of emotions were amazing. In thinking about this, it makes sense. After all, these women played these roles for several seasons. They know each other very very well, and their characters. So it makes sense that the movie would just flawlessly fall together.

I didn't join the movie at the beginning. I joined when the wedding plans for Carrie and Big were in the works. It was kind of in the background, and I gradually started getting into it. I have to say I have never in my life seen a bride so beautiful. But I guess a $30,000 wedding dress will do that. And then Big called her when she was waiting for him at the church, and said, "I can't do this."

The movie's plot was completely around this wedding that failed, and how it effected the other cast members. It actually had a profound affect on me. In the end, Carrie and Big got married at a justice of the peace.

I've been thinking of having a wedding for us next June. My thought was that we would have a wedding ceremony where we would exchange vows, and afterwards, we would have a reception with perhaps drinks of various sorts and Hors d'œuvres. That evening, I would rent a dining room where our closest friends and family would have a nice dinner, complete with sparkling water, different wines, and an open bar. That was the layout in my mind. I was going to follow-up with a wedding consultant. I even had one picked out.

Many of our friends are quite excited about it. Well, here's how it kind of breaks down - 10 being the most enthusiastic, and 1 being "not interested at all".

Close friends - 9
UCONN Faculty - 8
Where I work - forget it, don't want them to come
UCONN Students - 9
My Family - 9 (the 1 who wants to come)
My Family (all the rest) - 0
Kent's Family - 2 (probably would rather we just "keep this between us")

Of course, this is all my perception, and the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone's feelings. But I recently told someone very close to me in the family that we were going to get married next June. The response was, "I thought you did that when you were in California." Talk about taking the wind out of my sails! I was saying this as a surprise, hopefully a good one. And when we lived in California, it was illegal. Hell, that was 12+ years ago. Marriage equality for gay couples wasn't even on the radar then.

But the bottom line to me is, this is THE biggest moment in my life. THE BIGGEST MOMENT. Nothing else is bigger than this. No event is bigger than this. And to have the response be, "I thought you did that when you were in California", makes me want to just give up on family acceptance.

IF IT WAS SO DAMNED IMPORTANT, DON'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD REMEMBER THAT?

So, I'm quickly loosing interest in having a wedding. Honestly, if that's all it's about, I should put it right up there with the priority of having my deck sealed. The fact of the matter is, we aren't getting married. We've been married, despite everyone's objections, since 1975. Now, we just have to let the state know that we are married.

A big part of me wants to just say, fuck it. I don't care. Go to the justice of the peace, and put it behind us. And just think of all the money I'd save, as though money can buy anything important.

To the part of the family who can't deal with my use of four letter words or the tone of this entry, try understanding something much more basic:  HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

My God. Can't anyone just be happy that a gay couple made it 35 years? Can't they be happy that we want to celebrate that? I'm just losing interest in all of this. There are some who will read this and say, "Bill is going off the deep end...". No! This is honesty. After a double bypass heart surgery, I'm getting too damned old for bullshit.

ok.

Now I have to work through my disappointment on this one. Perhaps I'll go on a photography outing, or just come to the conclusion that I'll have to learn to live with disappointment.

I received this last week from President Obama, asking me for money to support his "blueprint for America's future". I'm ok with that, other than the fact that I don't see "change" happening. To me, it's business as usual, at least for the LGBT community. That is, we are still ignored and taken for granted.

Aside from the power of my vote, which I exercise and gave to this President, I also have power of my finances and where they go. I'm not a selfish person. Far from it. I am all for helping others. But for decades, my community has received nothing but breadcrumbs. Nothing substantial. I'm really really sick of it. So, this is my message that will be returned to the Democratic National Committee in the postage paid envelope.

I'm tired of being taken for granted. I hope they get the hint, and I hope that some statistic of that gets to President Obama, who has given LGBT folks not even lip service. Where are all those campaign promises he made to OUR COMMUNITY?

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