I haven't posted for the longest time because I've been in the funk. Today was a hard day for me.

You know, my life is very interesting right now. Interesting, in the sense that I never know from day to day what is really going to happen. In one sense, it's accelerating. In another sense, it's rather unsettling. I know, everyone can kind of claim that, but I don't live in a normal every day-to-day environment.

When I got out of the hospital, I told my doctor when he discharged me, "I'm glad the hard part is over", meaning, I'm glad all the pain medications, the opiates, awful pain, and hospitals, are over with. My doctor responded, "The hard part is yet to come." I always wondered what was ahead of me that was worse than what I went through in the hospital. I took photos of the scares and incisions days afterwards, as a point of possible interest and possible posting. But, I've decided they are just too gross to share with all of you, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Anyway, what my doctor was talking about was the hard battle back to normal. And it's a long, hard, road. But, like any other things in life, it's a diversion into yet another realm of existence - to meet people that you would never meet. It's almost like it was meant to be.

Today was Pearl's graduation. You see, when you are finished with the Cardiac Rehab program, you graduate. I mean there's really a graduation party. They declare that she has indeed graduated from the program. They put a graduation cap on her, and we all sing Pomp and Circumstance. I know.... it all sounds very corny, but, to describe what it was like to be in the midst of these brave people was an experience I didn't see for myself. She also received a graduation certificate of accomplishment. That is the meaning of life, accomplishments that are dear to our hearts. What do we have in common with each other? That's easy. When each of us comes in the room, we lift our tops so the nurses can apply the sensors -- where all the battle scars are exposed. That's that we have in common! The incisions, the scares for the drainage tubes... ALL OF IT!

How to describe Pearl? She looks like and has the personality of Betty White, somewhat mischievous. I was quite enchanted by her. She has a spirit of life and a sparkle in her eye the says, "...anything is possible...". I liked her.

Today was probably the last I will see of her in this lifetime. She is around 70, but acts like she is all of 40. Today, I worked hard. I was walking fast on the treadmill, with the permission of the staff, and Pearl commented to me, from the next treadmill over, that I was "working like the dickins". Well, next to everyone else there, I guess I was. I was at a fast walk on the treadmill for all of 15 minutes, a herculean task for my companions in the room with me.

After the workout, we had the graduation party. Pearl brought in some cookies and muffins that she baked. She told me, "Bill, you have to have a muffin." I did. And then I said out loud, "OH MY GOD! THE AWESOME TASTE OF ... BUTTER!"

The nurses turned to her and said, "Pearl, you didn't?!?!!" She hesitated, as it if were a joke between us. And finally said, "No, these are ok." The nurse, being nurses, had to confirm with her that they were indeed "heart healthy." Oh God, such anal-ism. Is that a word?

More to the "hard part" of getting my life back. I'm home last night. Kent came home. We are getting out of our professional clothes and into something more comfortable. And out or nowhere I put my hand over my face and was simply overcome with sorrow, followed by tears. Kent put his arm around me and I said, "I feel so worthless."

Then I knew what the doctor was talking about. This is a mental game.

I'm sorry I haven't posted much, but I'm rather messed up right now. It is ok to say that now that we have a Democratic President? I'm trying so hard. I used to talk to such powerful people, but today, my powerful person was Pearl, a lady with a heart of gold who I would be proud to call my Grand Mother. I will miss her so very much.