I've come to the conclusion that life has changed for me.

I don't want to say that it's changed in a bad way, because that's making a judgment that I'm not sure is accurate. Kent went on another trip to Washington, D.C. on Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I just hurt all over. So I stayed home and worked from home. I had a productive day, but it was quite easy to convince myself to stay home to work, when the fact is, I just didn't feel up to the full day. This is how I've changed, and I have to make peace with that.

I wanted to be in a place where I could work hard, but when I needed to, I could take that fifteen minutes to lie down on the bed to rest. I worked more, and took my walk in the afternoon as my exercise.

Other changes... I'm giving up more at work. I'm talking about sheer power and authority. In management, when you start delegating that, you are delegating the foundation of yourself - your place in the organization - your reason for being there. It hasn't been an easy decision for me to make and I'm not one to trust others easily, but the company I work for has been good to me. I want to return that to them. If I'm in jeopardy in any way, I can't leave them in the lurch because of me. That's just cold reality. I don't have the luxury of not dealing with that, given where I'm at.

Things are simpler now. I work just by myself at work, and every other thing is outsourced. I never discuss work stuff on this blog. There's a level of confidentiality that I will never break. I just mention it to say that work is really strange for me right now. I'm in this big room working by myself that used to be filled with people that I would share ideas with. Now, it's quiet. It's just me, and the occasional visitor.

Another issue that's happened is my graduation from the cardiac rehab. program at the hospital. Wednesday was my last day with them and they had a full graduation for me - cap and gown and all. I guess that sounds corny, but these people were my friends. It was sad because I know I will never see them again. Life will go on.

All of these changes lead me to believe that I'm not me anymore. I've changed. I'm just different now. I've noticed my interests have changed as well. It's harder to write on this blog. It's more difficult to stay in touch with people, except for the very trite exchanges I have with people on Facebook and the like. I hate simplicity. I'm more one to listen to a fugue of Bach and be in awe of the sheer simplicity of it all, and yet, no other being thought to write that fugue in such a perfect form. Or to listen to Mahler and be in wonderment that he could actually place these extremely complex emotions to a composition of music. It just boggles my mind.

In this stage of my life, I'm far less interested in outwardly written material such as this blog, and am more interested in inward desires; my family, my home, analysis of music which has always been a first love of mine. I do care about other things, but I can't control what people think on political issues such as civil rights for us. I'm spent. I have no more to give on this.

I never in my life thought I would say this, but this is the part of my life that I have to think of me. Just me.

The rest will just have to work itself out.