Gay Marriage: February 2008 Archives

I heard a few days ago that Nancy Reagan had fallen and had been hospitalized. I felt bad for her. It occurred to me that when her husband, Ronald Reagan had died, I wrote about his passing. I was angry that so much was being made about a man that very selectively helped people.

But people change with age. Ronald Reagan later, after leaving the presidency, said that he should have done more for people with AIDS. You bet he should have. They were Americans. And, while he was President, Nancy urged him to do more for people with AIDS, probably because her hair dresser came down with AIDS. No, I'm not making this up. Very self serving people. And perhaps the late President Reagan only wanted to help people with AIDS because, being from the entertainment industry, he knew some people with AIDS. But, he didn't use his power to help them until he was out of office. Or, until it was politically safe for him to do so.

So, when he showed up at a rally to show support, he shouldn't have been surprised that an AIDS activist shouted at him (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't have the exact quote), "You've done enough already. We don't need your damn help." Those were my sentiments as well.

So now, why do I feel sorry for Nancy Reagan? I suppose for the same reason that Jane Fonda should be forgiven for being photographed in 1972 sitting in a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft tank. She stated on 60-minutes concerning the event, "I will go to my grave regretting that. The image of Jane Fonda, Barbarella, Henry Fonda's daughter, just a woman sitting on a enemy aircraft gun, was a betrayal. It was like I was thumbing my nose at the military. And at the country that gave me privilege. It was the largest lapse of judgment that I can even imagine. I don't thumb my nose at this country. I care deeply about American soldiers." Some people will never find forgiveness in their hearts. It's just not what they are made of. But my experience is that age changes your perspectives on life, issues, and people.

People make mistakes and attitudes on issues change over time. It's important to understand that and it's important to put it into a context of time. It used to be "ok" with most people that gay bars were routinely raided by the police. In those days, it was really the only place to go to meet other gay people. Why go to gay bars? Because you felt so damned isolated. Most people saw little wrong with the police ruffing up some gays. And the people who went out and beat up gay people were never prosecuted. And if a gay person was murdered in the process, the police looked the other way many times. Indeed, the defense attorneys for the two boys convicted of the murder of Matthew Sheppard thought at first that their case was very strong because no jury in Wyoming would convict someone who killed a gay person. Why did they feel this way? Because it happened all the time. The same can be said of the plight of African Americans.

But looking back on those times, I believe that most people today find it unacceptable that many gay people (dare I say most?) today live with an element of fear every single day. Most find the practice of gay bashing unacceptable, unless you're Ann Coulter, and feel that it should be prosecuted. They don't quite yet believe that gays deserve federal protection from job discrimination or hate crimes, but at the local and state level, I see more of these crimes being prosecuted all the time. I guess that's why I'm willing to go to Idaho to see my family. But I do realize that outside the largest city of Boise, if people know that I'm gay, the risk I run or being gay bashed rises exponentially. It's a risk for me. I'm too old to lie to people anymore, or to give a damn. If someone has a problem with me, they won't have to try and figure out if I'm gay if they are too stupid to figure it out on their own. I'll simply tell them. I have to if I want to keep my personal pride and integrity.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to be scared when we lived in San Francisco. I remember being harassed many times while we lived in San Francisco. On one occasion, we left our apartment and were walking towards Market Street. Some schmuck started following us. He shouted, "Hey, are you two homosexuals?" We kept walking, but started walking faster. I asked Kent, "Should we stop?" We kept going. Then we heard the man say, "Are you two faggots? I'm talking to you!" By the time he said that, we were passing five other guys who witnessed this. They started talking to the guy to find out what his problem was. We kept walking. But then I heard shouting from a distance as a fight started. Over the years, I've wondered what happened, and I now regret living in that fear. Today, I would go back to the fight and finish it.

I guess the bottom line is, people have to learn to forgive others so that they themselves can move on, and grow. I've grown tired of being angry at people for wrongs they have done against me. Time, and a changing of attitudes will do more to those who oppress us than I could ever do. Time will do for marriage equality for gay couples what it did for slavery for African Americans.

I wish Nancy Reagan all the best and a speedy recovery. Sometimes I think the real lesson of life is letting go of crap that doesn't matter, and simply living.

Over the course of this blog, I've covered many topics. And, over the course of my writing, the United States has changed drastically. Indeed, many of my opinions have changed as well.

For example, I once vowed to never go to a state that has bigoted views towards people like me. It's not that I'm pushing "gay marriage", or "gay rights". It seems to be difficult for average people to understand that the phrase I'm pushing is "equal rights", not "special rights". And why is it "special rights" only when it applies to gay people? Is it because they are bigoted? When I challenge them to give me just one single "special right" that I am asking for that they don't already have, not once have they been able to come up with one. Not once.

Arizona is back at it again. They voted down a marriage amendment 2006, but now they are trying again...

Voters may be asked to ban gay marriage in Arizona . . . again.

The leaders of both the House and the Senate introduced measures Monday to place a constitutional amendment on the fall ballot that defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

The move, which has garnered widespread Republican support, follows the stunning defeat of a marriage amendment here in 2006, when Arizona became the first state in the nation to reject an anti-gay-marriage ballot measure. (source)

And this this article that appeared in the Arizona Republic...

And really, is there anything that gets conservative pulses racing more than a bill aimed at gays?

Then again, maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll kick start the state's economy. Maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll improve the state's woeful public education system or the state's woeful transportation system.

Maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - it'll get the Legislature to take a closer look at what goes on at Child Protective Services. Another two Tucson children have died in the past few weeks while the agency was supposed to be watching.

Heck, maybe if we outlaw gay marriage - again - legislative leaders will somehow do the only job they must, by law: undertake and figure out what to do about the fact that the state is spending a billion dollars more than it has with just four months left in the fiscal year. (source)

There seems to be nothing that gets conservatives to the polls like some good old gay bashing.

It's not that I am pushing marriage equality for people like Kent and myself. Would I like to see that? Absolutely. But is it worth me tearing myself apart out of frustration because much or our liberty-loving country is willing to tear into my equal rights? No, not really. You see, I've come to expect disappointment from people, both at work and in my personal life. Being at peace with that doesn't mean that I've accepted it as right. It means that I have limited resources to give -- both physically and emotionally -- and I simply can't be bothered any longer because the majority of us don't give a damn about anybody but ourselves. Yes, I honestly believe that. I realize that I'm not very optimistic anymore. That's why I feel excitement about Barack Obama. He seems to still be filled with hope, and that is what we desperately need. And more specifically, he will not push hope at the expense of another group....

"And it [hope] lives on in those Americans -- young and old, rich and poor, black and white, Latino and Asian and Native American, gay and straight -- who are tired of a politics that divides us and want to recapture the sense of common purpose that we had when John Kennedy was president of the United States of America."

Kent and I are going to Arizona in March. I'll enjoy their scenery (and their warmer climate), and we'll spend our money. Yeah, it's kind of like paying them to kick us in the gut while we're down, but that's what our country likes to do. If you think I'm just a down person, just ask yourself, isn't this the way our country is going?

So, I've limited my exposure to politics and the like. I honestly don't give a damn what Arizona does. Whatever it is will define who they are as people. As for me, I'm still Bill -- a person who, although I've become very cynical in people and government in general -- will not give up on my principles and what I stand for. I will therefore help out those who need help where I can even though there's nothing in it for me, always be there for my friends, and help those who, if they knew I was gay, would most likely not like me very much.

That is what is missing in our country today; helping others selflessly. We put people into categories, and demonize them. And why? To stir up voters to get them to the polls, all for a few lousy votes. We fail (or refuse) to see what that does to the people who are demonized. We simply don't care. That is why this next presidential election will be a turning point for America. It's probably the most important election I've ever lived through. And it's really heart warming to see more young people involved and enthusiastic about the direction we are taking. More and more of them realize that pitting groups of people against each other is not moving our country forward and that these tactics simply divert us from dealing with larger issues. I just hope that the people of Arizona can see that as well.

During the last couple of months, I've had a friend who has been battling an illness, a couple of others who are going through very rough times with depression and medication, and one who has lost a loved one in an auto accident. This is what is important to me. People who matter. The other stuff doesn't even register on my map any longer. America will find it's way, or not.

I'm thinking of going to Idaho sometime this summer. There are some friends in Idaho I want to see, and, it may be the last time I see my brother. Idaho has gone out of it's way to put people like me in legal limbo. And I'm sure violence against gay citizens is just as high now as it has been in the past. And I'm sure the police are just as concerned about that as they have been in the past. But I can't be stopped by that. I need to see my friends. And the fact that Idaho sucks in how it treats it's gay citizens can not be my problem any longer. The state has always treated these citizens this way. I know very well. I used to live there. I will go. See my friends, and come home where I am treated with a bit of dignity. But I won't shut my friends out of my life because the state they live in sucks when it comes to treating all citizens with equality and dignity.

At some point in your life, you have to rise above these issues, because you just won't be around forever. Life is too short to let all the jerks of the world make you miss your chance at peace and happiness.

Guilt's like plutonium: A little goes a long way. And the way you harness its awesome might is by being serenely, divinely all-forgiving and above it all. With a beatific glow, gaze upon your relatives with Virgin-Mary-like understanding and say: "Listen, it's okay, I still love you. We wish you could be there, but since you can't, we'll think about you and let you know how it all goes."

If that doesn't melt their frosty crusts, then you're better off without them.

But don't succumb to bitterness or anger. Be like Jesus on the cross: "They know not what they do." They're a product of their time and upbringing.... (source)

I don't know about the plutonium analogy. He kind of lost me on that one when he talks of "the way you harness its awesome might is by being serenely, divinely all-forgiving"... When plutonium gets pissed, "forgiving" isn't exactly the term I would apply to it.

I'm all for having peace in the family, IF POSSIBLE. But, I won't sacrifice my standards for that peace. I will listen, and give when I can. But if it were me, and my family wouldn't come to my wedding, it would probably be something like this; "Listen, it's okay, I still love you. We wish you could be there, but since you can't, we'll think about you and let you know how it all goes. So go fu*k yourself and the horse you rode in on!"

And if I were Jesus, I would forgive them. Like, "They know not what they do. So they can go fu*k yourselves and the horses you rode in on!"

I think that's why people don't put ultimatums to me. I don't receive them well, but I definitely respond to them well. It's not that I'm a hateful or unforgiving person. Nothing is further from the truth. But my life has not been filled with acceptance. That's fine. I've come to accept the fact that people usually disappoint you because of their lack of will to understand you or to accept you. But, as Joan Crawford once said, "It's a sword... cuts both ways." Aside from her other issues that I won't get into, on that point, she was right. You get what you give.

I suppose some day Connecticut will offer marriage to gay couples. When that day comes, Kent and I may well tie the knot. I'm hoping that our families will be supportive of that. I'd like to have it in Idaho because it would make it easier for all of them, along with our friends, to be there. But of course, it wouldn't be legal if we had it in Idaho because Idaho will never allow us to get married. I suppose we could have a "get together of celebration" in Boise. I don't know if it would be bittersweet for us because we would know that it really wasn't our wedding we were celebrating. But heck, a party is a party, right?

The other thing that I've come to understand of late is that just because others are intolerant and life isn't all what you want it to be, we all must make the most of every day and love those who really love us for what we are to the fullest extent possible. So when I mention how I would respond to intolerant people above, it's not out of hate. In fact, the reason I respond like that is because I don't like to keep that crap in. I say what I have to say, and I'm over it. I thank my Aunt Verna for that one.

It's important to tell those in your life that you love, that you love them. Tell them often, in every way possible. Live life today, in the moment. Don't assume there will be a tomorrow. Live life today.