General: May 2007 Archives

A couple of weeks ago, I heard about the death of one of my high school teachers. He taught foreign languages and was also a coach for various sports. I won’t use his name to protect and honor his memory. He was praised for being a good teacher and being a person that you could always talk to. In my experience, I learned very little from his Spanish course. I also found him to be someone that I would not talk to about what was going on in my life. But that probably has more to say about me, instead of him. I was a messed up kid in messed up circumstances. I wasn’t sharing much with anyone, other than a bottle of booze. It was my best friend because it dulled the pain I was going through as a teenager. You see, I’m one of those gay teenagers who commits suicide, and it’s all over. But in my case, I lived. And not by my own choosing, I might add.

I didn’t know this teacher to be very religious. Perhaps he found religion later in life. But, I assume from what he said in his obituary, that he had become a very religious man.

I did not lose a battle with cancer; Christ has won the victory over death. Where I have been, and what I have done is not important. What is important is Who I know, Who knows me, and what He did on the cross. Jesus saved a sinner by grace.

I’m happy for anyone in that situation to find reconciliation and peace. I’m happy that he had a support system of family and friends to help him through that experience.

But for me, it has opened up other issues -- bigger issues of the human experience. Does religion change how people feel about each other? It’s a rhetorical question. If you want an answer to that, you need only look at what is happening in Iraq. But in this country, in this society, the lines between being “religious”, and having that effect your every day experiences are somewhat more blurred.

Years ago, I was riding to New Haven, Connecticut with a colleague from work. It was a thirty minute drive for us. This person is Catholic, a devout Catholic. She saw my wedding ring and asked, “What does your wife do?” Now, I suppose I should also say that this was said before any of the current day marriage debate for gay couples had taken place, so the idea of two gay men getting married wasn’t even in the mind set of anyone, including gay couples.

Well, I lied to her. I made up a “wife”. I made up a career that my wife had. And I did this all in the period of 30 seconds. Poof! A real life person with hopes and dreams like anyone else, who just happen to have ovaries, and was married to none other than me! What ever I said, my colleague responded with, “Well, that’s wonderful!”

There is no doubt in my mind that if this person had known the truth about me, she would have had a very difficult time working with me. In fact, she probably would stop talking to me altogether. I said nothing to people at work about this exchange. But she started telling people about what a wonderful wife I had. It wasn’t long before two straight male friends approached me, along with smiles from ear to ear, asking me to tell them about my “wife”. Try explaining this issue to a straight man who has never once had to lie in his entire life about his sexuality. It’s a difficult task. But it came down to my statement of, “I have to work with people to do my job. If I can’t do that because they won’t work with me, one of us will have to leave.”

And to end this story, yes, she did find out, and yes, it did effect our working relationship. She stopped talking to me as though I had leprosy.

This brings me back to my high school teacher. How would he have felt about me, knowing that I’m gay? Not too good, I would suppose. Would it matter to him that I’m still the same person that he knew so many years ago? In my experience, probably not. I’d like to give people the benefit of a doubt and look at the world through rosy colored glasses, but acceptance from people of this nature has not been my experience.

I’ve mellowed and relaxed a great deal in the last six months. You’ve probably noticed that I write less and less now. It’s not that I’ve stopped caring about issues. But, I have weighted those issues. Is marriage equality still important to me? It sure is. But, unlike a year ago, I’m so much more than that issue -- or any one issue for that matter. I’m simply not willing to invest the emotional weight on issues that our society, and our community, feel are unimportant. It’s like the ant pushing and pushing against a house to move it. It’s just not going to happen.

So, while I’m willing to take insults from people who post to this site for the decisions that I make, I think I’ve come to a place that I can choose not to give a damn anymore. And that is OK.

I’m fine with that. The result: my blood pressure is 116 / 80, as opposed to 167 / 95 a year ago. I’ve lost some weight because I’m more conscious of what I eat and my cholesterol levels are good. I’m happy with life. So what’s changed in the last few months? I’ve stopped letting society define me and I’ve stopped asking for it’s approval.