General: October 2007 Archives

Slowly but unmistakably, gay culture is ending. You see it beyond the poignant transformation of P-town: on the streets of the big cities, on university campuses, in the suburbs where gay couples have settled, and in the entrails of the Internet. In fact, it is beginning to dawn on many that the very concept of gay culture may one day disappear altogether. By that, I do not mean that homosexual men and lesbians will not exist--or that they won’t create a community of sorts and a culture that sets them in some ways apart. I mean simply that what encompasses gay culture itself will expand into such a diverse set of subcultures that “gayness” alone will cease to tell you very much about any individual. The distinction between gay and straight culture will become so blurred, so fractured, and so intermingled that it may become more helpful not to examine them separately at all. (source)

Isn’t this what we want? Gay culture existed simply because society labeled us as “gay” or “queer”, along with many other names, to separate us. And we in turn, separated and splintered off from the rest of society. In many parts of the country, this is still very much the case. But in some parts of the country, such as Connecticut and Massachusetts, it’s much less so. I no longer feel a need to be anything other than myself. I’m no longer gay. I’m a person who is many things, and one of those things that’s not very high on my list, is being gay. The reason it’s not high on my list is precisely because it’s not very high on the list of my state. Connecticut has said that gay citizens are equal (aside from denying us marriage). We are protected in our jobs, and against hate crimes. So I don’t have to spend time worrying about all of that stuff. I can feel more a part of society. Surely most gay people would think this is a good thing. I remember when I was gay first, and I also remember that life sucked when I had to do that because my world was very small. I had to watch what I said to people, especially about my personal life. Now, either I don’t feel the need to do that anymore, or I’ve become so comfortable in my skin that I just don’t care anymore what people think. I think it’s more the latter.

Now, there is only one issue that I deal with. I’ve moved on from the marriage issue. I’ve had to at least try to let it go. But you see, the problem is, marriage is still the area in society where we are still queer. And, it’s the one place that society uses to keep us separated. Marriage is doing to us today what the gay ghetto did to us yesterday. The only difference is that one was geography and one is a state of mind. And it’s powerful.

A dear friend of mine recently got married. I very much wanted to be there for her. I simply could not bring myself to do that. I wish her all the happiness in the world, but I can not give my blessing to something that has become so utterly painful for me to endure. I’ve boycotted other weddings as well, and, I’m not alone.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancée of five years, “Beth.” I had always assumed that my brother, “Mike,” who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should “get over it,” and he needs to accept that it’s just “the way things are in the world.”

As hurt as I am, I can’t hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a “reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights” as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

That’s exactly how I feel every damn time I get a wedding announcement in the mail. First, it’s a reminder that I am considered a second-class citizen with every word on the announcement. Then, I go through the feeling of, “How dare they send something so absolutely thoughtless to me?” Then, I go through the guilt of not being there for them.

I understand that they are happy and want to include us in the celebration. But I honestly would rather not be invited at all, without any explanation, than to get this reminder of where I stand in society. Believe me, I know. I don’t need the expensive little printed announcement telling me. I get it already.

I wish my friends all the happiness in the world. I wish I could share those thoughts and feelings with them without the wall of crap that society has put between us. I honestly don’t think I’ll get over feeling this way. I don’t dwell on it, until I’m sent a reminder. I work hard and do my job. I love my photography. I stay as positive in life as I can. I’ve had to leave this issue behind so I can be happy.

Every action has a reaction. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. My reaction is revulsion of getting a wedding announcement in the mail. It’s that same feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after being told that you are being fired because your gay. There wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it then. Today, it’s the same thing with marriage. We are discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially, and we are supposed to be ok with that and “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. Not for me. For me, marriage, something that was once thought to be a celebration of joy, has been turned into little more than a political football, which incidentally, fails 50% of the time.

Except in this football game, there are no winners. Just losers.

The “gay culture” hasn’t quite ended yet. There’s still marriage, and most of the states can still fire you for being gay. And as long as some of us are willing to “be patient” and let some queers (transgendered folks) continue to be discriminated against, yeah, we’ll still have a gay ghetto...

Being transgender is not the same as being lesbian or gay. This fact, coupled with the reality that a portion of the diverse transgender community identifies as heterosexual rather than queer, begs the question of why we should consider ourselves to be one community and postpone our rights to protect people who are not lesbian or gay. I believe that we are one community because the majority of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have consciously come together to work as one community. The reality is that the larger society views all of us who deviate from the heterosexual norm where biological females partner with biological males as “queers.” Moreover, there is for each of us a relationship between our sexual orientation and the ways that we feel compelled to express ourselves and our gender identities.

So, while a sexual orientation only ENDA would prevent me from being fired (or not hired) because my partner is another woman, I could still be denied a job as a lawyer because I never wear make-up, always wear “mannish” business suits and am (apparently) a little butch. In San Francisco, maybe this is not such an issue—but what if I lived in Tallahassee?

At this stage in our history, anti-discrimination legislation that intentionally excludes protection based upon gender identity and expression is bad civil rights strategy that undermines progress on the ground and is not worth the moral compromise and divisiveness that it brings. (source)

For the same reason I can’t go to a wedding and put on a happy face, I also can not go along with discrimination against another segment of society that could be stopped with the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, I’ll have nothing to do with it. And the people in our community who say stupid things like “we need to take baby steps...”, need to realize that it’s real easy to forget those on the other side of the fence who don’t have those rights after we’ve been granted those rights (assuming ENDA passes this time around).

I will not take baby steps on this for the same reason I will no longer attend weddings. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, then ENDA should die. There is nothing to compromise here, except of course, our principles.

Since we got home from vacation, it seems like my life has been very chaotic. Yes, I’m still trying to get to the photos we took in Maine when I can, and I’m not too tired to look at a monitor when I get home. So the photos have taken a back seat for a bit. And, I’m still nursing my left arm. While we were taking photos on a rocky coastline, I slipped and fell on the rocks. These were big rocks. I fell flat on my back, knocking the wind out of me. And yes, on my way down, I grabbed my camera in mid air and pulled it in close to my body to protect it. See, I have my priorities straight! :-)

Anyway, my arm hit the edge of another rock. There was this searing pain. I couldn’t feel my hand at all. I told Kent that I thought I had broken my arm. Then the pain left (got to love those endorphins) followed with euphoria, followed by intense pain again, followed by me feeling like I had to throw up, followed by Kent saying, “You are turning pale...”. And all in about one minute.

I sat up and just breathed. My arm felt like there was blood puddling in my jacket. When I got back to our room, my arm had some cuts on it. It still aches today, and now a good portion of my arm is that yellow-red-blue-ish color that looks awful. Moving on...

Not that I have my mind on the Boy Scouts, but last year there was an issue at work (which I can’t talk about even though we supposedly have “freedom of speech”), and once again this year, there is also an issue at work. Not worth going into, but I came across this article on Fox News, you know, the “Fair and unBalanced” people...

The city has ordered the organization to pay a fair-market rent of $200,000 — $199,999 more than its current $1 annual rate — to maintain its longtime offices in a landmark Philadelphia building because of its refusal to allow openly gay Scouts and Scout leaders.

City Solicitor says Romulo L. Diaz Jr. contends that Mayor John Street, City Council and the Fairmount Park Commission (which oversees historic properties) have been asking the Scouts for the past year to submit a clear-cut anti-discrimination policy, and they haven’t done so. In order to comply with Philadelphia laws, he said, he has given the Scouts a choice: agree definitively in writing to stop discriminating, or pay a new rent at market value. [...]

“We know there are gay Scouts,” he said. “Of course there are. We don’t care. Nobody cares. We tried to change the policy. National wouldn’t allow us. We’re trying to do the right thing as all parties are concerned.”

Diaz said such a philosophy is contradictory, and is still flat-out discrimination.

“You cannot welcome people when you say to them publicly, you’re not welcome if you’re gay, but privately you can come in,” he said. “No one is going to feel welcome or want to apply. It’s like (posting a job and saying), if you’re a homosexual, don’t apply here. That should enrage people.” (source)

Yes indeed, it should enrage people. Just like it should enrage people that the U.S. military is more often than not turning a blind eye to gays in the military who are in Iraq because now more than ever, they need bodies.. Hey, we get blown apart like every else, so I suppose we are all equal in that regard. But when this war is over and those brave gay soldiers are not desperately needed anymore in Iraq, they will be discharged. That’s worth at least a pout, isn’t it?

As far as the Boy Scouts of America is concerned, I’ve always maintained that as a private organization, they should be able to be as biased and bigoted as they want to be (the Supreme Court agrees with me on that). But I have to wonder, would the Supreme Court, or anyone else for that matter, agree if they decided to keep black children out of their organization? We all know the answer to that. We should at least be honest about this. We don’t mind them being biased in their membership AS LONG AS it’s against gay people. That’s the honest truth of it, and that is why this issue gets to me. They hide behind the old notion that all gay men might be-could be--wanna be-possibly be.... pedophiles, when they know damn well that being a pedophile and being gay are two entirely different issues. Kind of like, gee, being a straight man and being a pedophile are two entirely different issues. But, they want to protect the children just in case one gets through. That is their reasoning, they say. But the real reason is simple plain old bigotry. Nothing more. Nothing less.

As far as the military goes, to help this issue of low morale and low enrollment, we have started to allow people with criminal records into the military. Their status as felons is known, and they are let in. A gay person who tries to join the military is turned away if they make their gayness known. I guess it’s better to be a felon.

It’s a sign of the times. Things are changing over time I believe. And for the first time ever, we may actually have a national bill that ends job discrimination against gay, lesbian, and bisexual citizens. Of course, we still want to be able to fire transgendered people (someone has to be “queer” and since being gay is less “queer” than it used to be, I guess the transgendered people win the prize). Why is it that we have within us a need to pick on someone? Why can’t we just come to the conclusion that, as long as people are appropriate at work and do their job, it’s really none of our damn business what they are inside? We all have gifts. We all have talents.

At least, the bill is advancing and may have a shot of passing Congress, with a guaranteed VETO from the big dip in the White House. We should not feel bad about this though. He loves uninsured children also and just vetoed a bill because it was too expensive. Here’s a statistic for you: 40 days of what we pay for the war in Iraq = insuring 10 million children for 1 year. And he vetoed the bill.

I’ve also been taken aback a bit at the discussions on the news about whether or not “water boarding” is actually torture. I can’t believe the question even needs to be asked. What does it say about our country that we are debating if it crossed the line to water board a person, without admitting that we are torturing that person, or totally ignoring the Geneva Convention? Our country is in a sad place right now. Maybe that’s why I like to come home, have a drink, chill out, talk to my cats, cook, and live life without worrying too much about where we are heading. I live out in the country. All of that crap is happening “out there”. Right?

Finally, last night, we went to Alumni & Faculty Awards Gala, where Kent was receiving the Faculty Excellence in Research Award. The program was in two parts. First, a very nice reception where food and drink was served, where various people spoke, including the new President of the Univ. of Connecticut. This was followed by the awards ceremony, where each applicant as announced, and a summation of their many achievements were read to the audience. All of the recipients were quite amazing and dynamic people.

After each introduction, the award recipient would talk and share their thoughts. Many times, it was so personal that they would cry. You know me. Anytime someone shares something so close and personal to their heart that they are willing to expose that part of themselves in a very vulnerable and public way, I feel honored to be there for that moment. I thought to myself, Kent’s talk will be less emotional. He did after all, write out what he was going to say. His speech was very nice, and then he said this to everyone:

But, of course, any career includes along with its successes its share of disappointments. Every time I came home with another grant proposal turned down, my partner, Bill, has been there to pick me up off the floor, give me a good kick in the seat of the pants (or a hug, depending on the circumstances), and get me going again. Bill, this award is as much yours as it is mine.

At that point, I heard a friend sitting behind us say under her breath, “nice!”. I didn’t expect this. Kent doesn’t share like that in such a public forum. People know about us. We keep nothing secret, so I am always included in the university functions as his spouse. But there were so many strangers there. And, he came out to them, and declared his love for me. I became filled with emotion, and the tears started rolling. He came back to his seat and sat down, and I put my arm around him and gave him a big hug. I deeply love this man. I’m so damn lucky.

I’m grateful for my life and it all seems so worthwhile when something like this happens. What an awesome journey this is!