It amazes me how one single event in a person's life can alter the priority list for that person. We all have priority lists; what is the most important thing to you, and the least important. And between those two extremes, are all the things that we do in our daily lives.

Take me for example. I used to love blogging and talking (bitching) about social issues. I still love blogging when I have time and feel up to it, but social issues have really dropped on my list of priorities. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain anymore, and my progress with my cardiac rehab program is going well. In fact, in the last week, after months of really hard work, I can finally measure that I have a bit more stamina at the end of the day. Today, I see my cardiologist. After that, I will go home, and it's entirely possible that I will feel up to taking a nice long, fast-paced walk after I get home. And all of this after I took my cardiac rehab class this morning, and worked most of the day. A month ago, when I got home after all of that, I would have been wiped out. So, I see progress.

But I've also noticed that what is important to me has shifted. It's as if I'm looking at the world now through different eyes. I'm online less now with the social networks. I suppose I should care about the social issues more. I am an activist after all. But somehow, my heart just isn't in it (no pun intended). I think some of that has to do with our society as a whole right now. We seem much more disconnected with each other and much more withdrawn individually. Perhaps that's because so many of us face a less predictable future with jobs and health care in general. With me, I think it's few things.

First and foremost, I could have died. That was a wake up call to me of all the things I took for granted and just how easily life can go out with the blink of an eye. Life is so fragile. I'm lucky. I have a doctor who picked up on warning signs that many doctors would have missed. Also, so much life can simply be missed by being angry at how society looks at you because of the color of your skin, your sexuality, or any other thing about you that is different. I'm tired of being angry because I don't have that luxury any more. Nor should I. The world will do what the world is going to do whether I like it or not, with or without me.

That being said, I am happy about the hate crimes bill that is now on it's way to the President for his signature. This was years in the making, and even today, there are many in Congress who wanted it to be it's own bill so it would die again. But this time, it's attached to the defense funding bill, and that has many on Capitol Hill bitching and moaning that they are being forced to pass a bill that will collect statistics and add time to sentencing if you beat up or kill a gay, lesbian, or transgendered person. In other words, we are no longer invisible. They now have to acknowledge that hate crimes are actually something that a large part of my community fear and have had to live with for a very long time. I also have hope that progress can be made on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the Defense of Marriage Act. Both of them should be abolished, and my hope is that will happen sometime in the next 3 years.

But happen or not, I think about myself and my family now first and foremost. Everything else is gravy. If that makes me a selfish bastard, I can live with that. I've paid my dues and I've done my fair share of marches and protests.

I heard a few days ago that Nancy Reagan had fallen and had been hospitalized. I felt bad for her. It occurred to me that when her husband, Ronald Reagan had died, I wrote about his passing. I was angry that so much was being made about a man that very selectively helped people.

But people change with age. Ronald Reagan later, after leaving the presidency, said that he should have done more for people with AIDS. You bet he should have. They were Americans. And, while he was President, Nancy urged him to do more for people with AIDS, probably because her hair dresser came down with AIDS. No, I'm not making this up. Very self serving people. And perhaps the late President Reagan only wanted to help people with AIDS because, being from the entertainment industry, he knew some people with AIDS. But, he didn't use his power to help them until he was out of office. Or, until it was politically safe for him to do so.

So, when he showed up at a rally to show support, he shouldn't have been surprised that an AIDS activist shouted at him (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't have the exact quote), "You've done enough already. We don't need your damn help." Those were my sentiments as well.

So now, why do I feel sorry for Nancy Reagan? I suppose for the same reason that Jane Fonda should be forgiven for being photographed in 1972 sitting in a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft tank. She stated on 60-minutes concerning the event, "I will go to my grave regretting that. The image of Jane Fonda, Barbarella, Henry Fonda's daughter, just a woman sitting on a enemy aircraft gun, was a betrayal. It was like I was thumbing my nose at the military. And at the country that gave me privilege. It was the largest lapse of judgment that I can even imagine. I don't thumb my nose at this country. I care deeply about American soldiers." Some people will never find forgiveness in their hearts. It's just not what they are made of. But my experience is that age changes your perspectives on life, issues, and people.

People make mistakes and attitudes on issues change over time. It's important to understand that and it's important to put it into a context of time. It used to be "ok" with most people that gay bars were routinely raided by the police. In those days, it was really the only place to go to meet other gay people. Why go to gay bars? Because you felt so damned isolated. Most people saw little wrong with the police ruffing up some gays. And the people who went out and beat up gay people were never prosecuted. And if a gay person was murdered in the process, the police looked the other way many times. Indeed, the defense attorneys for the two boys convicted of the murder of Matthew Sheppard thought at first that their case was very strong because no jury in Wyoming would convict someone who killed a gay person. Why did they feel this way? Because it happened all the time. The same can be said of the plight of African Americans.

But looking back on those times, I believe that most people today find it unacceptable that many gay people (dare I say most?) today live with an element of fear every single day. Most find the practice of gay bashing unacceptable, unless you're Ann Coulter, and feel that it should be prosecuted. They don't quite yet believe that gays deserve federal protection from job discrimination or hate crimes, but at the local and state level, I see more of these crimes being prosecuted all the time. I guess that's why I'm willing to go to Idaho to see my family. But I do realize that outside the largest city of Boise, if people know that I'm gay, the risk I run or being gay bashed rises exponentially. It's a risk for me. I'm too old to lie to people anymore, or to give a damn. If someone has a problem with me, they won't have to try and figure out if I'm gay if they are too stupid to figure it out on their own. I'll simply tell them. I have to if I want to keep my personal pride and integrity.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to be scared when we lived in San Francisco. I remember being harassed many times while we lived in San Francisco. On one occasion, we left our apartment and were walking towards Market Street. Some schmuck started following us. He shouted, "Hey, are you two homosexuals?" We kept walking, but started walking faster. I asked Kent, "Should we stop?" We kept going. Then we heard the man say, "Are you two faggots? I'm talking to you!" By the time he said that, we were passing five other guys who witnessed this. They started talking to the guy to find out what his problem was. We kept walking. But then I heard shouting from a distance as a fight started. Over the years, I've wondered what happened, and I now regret living in that fear. Today, I would go back to the fight and finish it.

I guess the bottom line is, people have to learn to forgive others so that they themselves can move on, and grow. I've grown tired of being angry at people for wrongs they have done against me. Time, and a changing of attitudes will do more to those who oppress us than I could ever do. Time will do for marriage equality for gay couples what it did for slavery for African Americans.

I wish Nancy Reagan all the best and a speedy recovery. Sometimes I think the real lesson of life is letting go of crap that doesn't matter, and simply living.

I was having a perfectly wonderful Saturday. The night before resonated with the sounds of rain and sticks following from the trees outside. I would be awakened by the sound, and then would hear the purr of one of my cats reassuring me that everything was perfect. I went back to sleep.

I'm restless these days. Kent is away on a trip and where we live, it's quiet. So when I'm alone in the house, it's very noticeable to me. Fortunately, I had an appointment with Karen, my hair stylist. I don't know what the hell she was doing to my hair, but it ended up taking three hours to complete. I must say though, that I look like Tom Cruise -- at least until I shampoo it. I asked her, "Does this come in red?" She was less than amused. I left, and went home.

Then, I got a call from work. Actually, hours had past and they had been trying frantically to get hold of me. With messages like, "...our domain is no longer valid...", "...I can't log into the domain...". I wanted to say, "...take the domain and...", but, I didn't. I can't. I'm always on call. That's what I do. I'm always on call. So, rather than trying to answer all the damn phone calls, I did the next logical thing. I turned my phone off. I tried to connect but was unable too. I came to two conclusions; either Hartford has been hit by nukes, or we've suffered a power failure. Given the ice storm the day before, and the heavy rains that night, I decided it was probably related to the weather. But, I had to drive in to work.

I was right. Power outage, which brought down all the domain controllers. So, I had to restore the power, let the domain controllers find their collective minds again, and reboot every single server to let them all know that order has been restored to the universe.

After that, it was a toss up. It was 5:30 and I hadn't eaten anything all day long. I was hungry. I decided to head across the river into Hartford, to Hot Tomatoes, where my friend Donovan works as a bartender. The place was packed. Some damn sport thing -- super bowl or some shit. What a nuisance! It's practically impossible to get into the place. When the man behind the little podium asks, "May I help you?" I replied, "No! I can help myself. Help THOSE people." I proceeded to the bar where Donovan was working. He had created a martini for me without me even asking. I said, "How did you know?" He said, "You look like you need one." I said, "You have no idea." He asked what I wanted to order and I replied, "I can't decide...", after looking at the menu for ten minutes. I told him to order dinner for me. He did a great job. Starting out with a goat cheese salad, with candied walnuts, goat cheese, spinach, and a lite dressing. I scarfed down the salad quickly. He said, "Boy, you were hungry." I told him, "It just occurred to me that I haven't eaten today." He brought out chicken saltimbocca, with garlic mashed potatoes, and fried spinach. I asked, "They can fry spinach?" Well, I know it sounds awful, but it's really quite amazing how concentrated the flavors are.

So I'm sitting there enjoying my dinner, and this lady starts talking to me. Her name was Shannon. She said that she works for one of the major hotels in Hartford as THE event planner. After shouting at each other over the noise of the restaurant and all the sports jocks coming into the bar to talk jock talk, I decided to move over next to her so we could talk. And after I told her that she looked just exactly like my cousin, she told me about being fluent in French and very good at photography.

I told her, "I suck at French, although I do drink champagne well. Does that count?" And we talked most of the evening about photography. She is old school (film). I said, "But isn't film expensive and basically a pain in the ass to work with?" She replied, "Yes, but you have so much control, and I only process in black and white."

This I understood. I told her, "Awww, technique." In music, if you are performing with an orchestra, there's a lot of space to hide a mistake. Even if you are soloing, it's not the end of the world if you miss a note here and there. And it happens to everyone, even the most advanced. But when you are all alone on the stage and it's just you (the only noise heard), there's no room to hide. Everything is exposed. It's important to know that.

This is true with photography as well. In color, there's noise. Yes, and other things also.... like composition, focus (or lack of), depth of field, and all the other rules. But in black and white, there's no color to hide behind. Your errors are magnified because they are either right or wrong.

With all of this in my mind, with my logic muddling it's way through my martini logic, I told Shannon, "I'm not good enough to do black and white yet. I don't have the technique." She replied, "The fact that you can say that to me shows me that you do have the technique. You are lazy!" I then asked, "No, I'm old as hell and, are you Basque?"

She's probably right. I do have the technique. It's more a matter to time. You see, there are two different worlds of photography. There are those who take photos all day. And, there are those who take a moment in time, and then that moment is gone forever. That is the artist. And, let me tell you, it can take hours to create that. Most people simple do not have the time or patience to do that. But for me, it is interesting to see what I end up with, and if that's good, then I'm pleased. The down side is that I can invest in an entire weekend and end up with crap.

So I ended my conversation with Shannon, a very outgoing and pretty woman. I'll probably never see her again, unless I let her plan our wedding. That would be cool.

Oh, and I'm really starting to understand the very very complex world of Gustav Mahler. I don't know if that's a good thing. He's so disturbingly and depressingly complex. I thought I hated him, but am I becoming him? Is that why I am starting to understand him? Does anyone out there know what I'm talking about?

It was my day off from work. I woke up early anyway. It was nice not to have to drive across town to park at my rendezvous point and wait for the van, that would carry me over the Bay Bridge, through Walnut Creek, and eventually into sunny San Ramon. In those days, San Ramon was little more than a blip out in the middle of nowhere. I suppose today, it is the home of countless people looking for a home away from expensive San Francisco.

But the year was 1986, and we lived in San Francisco, at 716 Dolores Street. I have no idea how I remember that. Kent would drive each day down to Stanford University where he was working on a post doctorate. I worked at a company named Davy McKee. Looking back on it now, it seemed like quite an ordeal, commuting the 45 minute drive across the San Francisco Bay Bridge, and then back again. It wasn't all that bad really. I would drive to my rendezvous point, where I would meet up with a van that would take me, along with other co-workers, over to San Ramon. Ninety percent of the work force was Filipino. I remember one of the jokes at the time (there were many crude jokes) was that Davy McKee would go down to the docks to pick them up as their (the Filipino's) boat landed, and recruit them into their work force. It was cheap labor. Obviously that didn't happen, but for some reason Davy McKee had a reputation for hiring minorities that had just come into the country.

So on my day off, I called Stan, my friend. Stan and I went back a long way. We went to college together. He and his "lover", Steve, moved to San Francisco when we lived in San Mateo. It's strange to me, looking back on this, how we termed ourselves in those days. We referred to our partners as "lovers", because "spouse", or "husband" just didn't seem appropriate. We couldn't marry, after all. Indeed, if you had mentioned to any gay couple at the time the possibility of them getting married, they would have cursed at you for daring to wish such a dreadful heterosexual union upon us. We were queer, they were breeders. That's the way it was. There was our area, The Castro, and their area, the straight area. In The Castro, we could freely hold hands without fear of being beaten up. In their area, we couldn't do that. Once we left our area, we were at the mercy of whatever was out there waiting for us. And, there was a lot waiting for us. Gay bashers would lerk on the outskirts of The Castro waiting for a queer or two to bash. It was sport. In fact, our area was such a novelty that the City of San Francisco would send tour buses down to the corner of Market Street and Castro Street, so that the tourists could see all the gay people, from the safety of their bus of course. That was our world.

Stan was suffering from the late stages of AIDS. In the days of the late 1980's, there wasn't much that could be done. I called him and demanded that I come over and that we go out. He wasn't feeling well. I arrived and commented, "Man you look like crap." He said, "Gee thanks. I feel like crap." I said, "Let's get out of here and see what's happening in The Castro.

It was a nice sunny day. The morning fog had just burned off and left a crispness in the air. The Castro was as busy as ever. Stan had this craving for donuts for some reason. I didn't argue. He was very thin. We went in, and bought a few donuts, and sat down to eat them. It was a nice chat. Afterwards, he tired quickly, so I took him home and cleaned up his place while he slept.

It was a nice day. I was able to get a small amount of time with my friend. We both knew it wouldn't last. Each day I could see him slipping away more and more. Did anyone care? I cared, but it was like shouting in a large crowd, and everyone just kept going along their way, without notice. But all these years later, I notice.

My friends name was Stanley Craig Hugill. I miss him a lot. If anyone knew him, I wouldn't mind talking about him. He was a good friend.

I’ll get to stupid people in a minute.... but first a brief update....

We went to the Connecticut Opera Saturday night. We had a great time. We went to the pre-opera dinner, hosted by Max (a very nice, as in really nice, chain here in the Hartford area). Wine flowed freely, with a nice dinner, complete with the conductor visiting and giving a talk on the Hartford connection to the opera we were going to hear that night, Puccini’s Tosca. It turned out to be a very nice product.

For some reason, we were thought to be very high-standing patrons of the opera. At least, we sat at the table where the President of the Board of the Connecticut Opera sat. I actually had a great time. He asked how I got into opera, and I shared my childhood experiences of going to the “dam park” (yeah, just below a dam with a big water spill), putting out my blanket on a sunny Saturday afternoon, turning on my radio, and listening to Live From The Met, where I heard the really big voices of yesteryear, in real time no less!

Why did I do this? To escape my life at the time (and no, I didn’t share that with him). It was kind of like this for me...

I’m in a lot of trouble in the Evangelical community these days because there’s a group of oppressed people that I tend to love. And it’s a group of people that everybody’s upset with these days... But let me just say this. I was in high school. And there was a boy in high school who everybody picked on because we found out he was gay. We mocked him, we ridiculed him—you know what high school kids can do when they find out that somebody’s gay. We humiliated him in every way we could think of. On Fridays when the other boys went into the showers following gym, he would never go in—he was afraid. And when we came out with our wet towels, we whipped them at him and stung his little body.

I wasn’t there the day they took Roger and pushed him into the corner of that tile shower, and as he wrapped himself up like a fetus, five guys urinated all over him. He went home, and that night, went to bed, got up at two o’clock in the morning, went down to the garage, and he hung himself. And I knew I wasn’t a Christian. (source)

Except, of course, I didn’t kill myself over it. It was all timing really. Given six more months, since my terrible secret of me being gay was getting out to the good citizens of Emmett, and starting to circulate through the high school, I suppose I wouldn’t be here writing this today. The timing was that I was a graduating senior. I received my diploma and went off to college to escape my fate at their hands, unlike the boy described above. But I have to tell you, the last two weeks of my school year were a bit scary... watching where I was at... staying in a public place... leaving school late after I was sure everyone had left. You know, today, I don’t really feel anything at all about that. Don’t get me wrong. I do everything I can for gay teens in distress, but I’m finding that there are less and less of them all the time.

As gays meld into the broader population, places like West Hollywood and the Castro district in San Francisco will inevitably lose some of their appeal. As more gays come out in more places, the diversity of homosexual politics and lifestyles will come out with them, and the tolerant will multiply.

For some of the pioneers from the edgy, embattled, ecstatic “good old days,” this may be bittersweet. “But isn’t that what everyone wanted 20 years ago?” Gates asks. “Just to be treated like everyone else?” (source)

I think that’s a good thing. I know some people feel that we are losing our identity, and perhaps we are a bit. I don’t know if you’ve visited The Castro lately, but it’s certainly not what it was 25 years ago. But in the greater scheme of things, what is really happening is that we are finally able to become whole people with out “the gay thing” defining us. For me, that has meant that I’ve become less directly involved with “gay rights”, although I still support many gay rights causes and organizations. It has also made me more interested in all the other things that are waiting out there for me, such as hiking, photography, music, and art. I know they were always there for me, but when you are defined by society by your sexuality alone, that becomes your definition, and your worst fear. Today, in America at least, sexual orientation is becoming more and more a non-issue. Indeed, many of the people who in 2004 were so against gay marriage, are now changing their views, largely because people feel they can be themselves and are coming out more.

So.... back to stupid people. This morning I’m on my way to work. I stop at a stop light just before turning off on the road that eventually leads me to the freeway. At the corner are about six people holding signs that read, “I want lower taxes. I’M VOTING REPUBLICAN!”

I wanted to take a photo, but the light was pour, it was raining like hell (so I kind of felt sorry for them), so I just continued on. But on my way to work, I started thinking about the irony of it all. These people want lower taxes so they are voting Republican?

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan could cost as much as $2.4 trillion through the next decade, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said Wednesday. The White House brushed off the analysis as “speculation.”

The estimate was the most comprehensive and far-reaching one to date. It factored in costs previously not counted and assumed that large number of forces would remain in the regions. (source)

I guess I’d like to know just who they feel will pay for the $2.4 trillion? We will, through taxes because that’s the only way the federal government has to raise money. So maybe they should have voted Democrat in 2004? Just a thought.

And I also wish the Democrats would “grow some” and, as Nancy Reagan once said, “JUST SAY NO!” to the current administration on spending.

After seven days, Maryland jurors smote the Westboro Baptist Church and its leaders Wednesday, awarding a grieving father nearly $11 million after anti-gay protests disturbed his Marine son’s funeral.

The father, Albert Snyder of York, Pa., sobbed when the verdict was read in U.S. District Court. Members of the Topeka church listened with tight-lipped smiles to the findings that they had invaded Snyder’s privacy with intent to inflict emotional distress.

The federal jury first awarded $2.9 million in compensatory damages. It returned in the afternoon with its decision to award $6 million in punitive damages for privacy loss and $2 million for distress. (source)

I grew up in a time when you did things for people. Instead of going to the mall (actually, we didn’t have malls in those days, we simply had little stores that specialized in clothing or whatever), we helped people out. If a neighbor was in trouble, we would offer our support, and our support was more than just words. Our support came in the form of helping that neighbor through deeds. If a funeral procession went by, you stopped and put your right hand over your heart and faced the funeral procession as they passed, out of respect for the family and the deceased. It was the proper and decent thing to do. And today, I still do that.

Today, our culture has changed a great deal, and not all in a good way. Yes, there have been some positive changes, such as more tolerance for despised minority groups. Somewhere in our fight for free speech, which we’ve had for a very long time, some of us it would seem have lost sight that there are times when it’s simply better to keep your mouth shut. Being able to say something does not mean that you should say it. But now days, more often than not it seems, people don’t give two cents about the other individuals feelings. Feelings are so politically correct after all, and politically correct seems to be going out of fashion.

I understand all of that, but whatever happened to just simple, every day, common decency? I’m glad that Fred Phelps disgusting group of thugs got hit big time with this settlement. He boasted afterwards, “Oh, it will take about five minutes to get that thing reversed.” Perhaps, but I would hope that Phelps, and a lot of the rest of us, would come away with two points from all of this...

1) Just because you can say something doesn’t mean that you should say it, out of consideration for others.
2) You do have free speech. But, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to that free speech.

Nothing is free. If you want to say certain things, there could be actions taken against you. This is what has happened to the Westboro Baptist Church. Their actions caught up with them. So, my hope is that the appeal will fail, and they will be liable to pay these costs, which they are financially unable to do. I’m told that their combined net worth is around one million dollars. I don’t return their hate by saying this. I simply hope it will stick because without money, there’s not a hell of a lot they can do.

And while I’m on the subject of decency, I suppose it’s worth a mention that this group has done the same thing for many years at the funerals of gay men who died of AIDS, and of course, they picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepard. America never cared about this activity until the group started targeting something more near and dear to the hearts of America; their straight sons who died in war were now being picketed at their funerals. How dare they? Pick on the gays, but not us. My un-Christian attitude on this is, “What goes around comes around”, but that’s not me. I’m more along the lines of, “Now you know how we felt.”

This is worth mention because this is precisely why the Phelps clan decided to stop picketing the funerals of gay men, and started targeting a larger and more sensational audience, dead soldiers. And it’s interesting to note the change that has taken place in the verbiage of the signs of this church.

From this....

To this....

They want the press coverage, and this is one way to get that. They have a right to their opinions and they have a right to express those opinions, but in my opinion, we have to find a way for them to have their freedom of speech, however vile we may think their message is, without them inflicting emotional damage on others. Picketing funerals crosses the line of decency. The emotional toll these people inflicted upon these families is what this settlement was about. The only difference is, they used words instead of a hammer. Had they used a hammer to do the same damage, they would have been prosecuted

Do we want any and all free speech at the expense of decency and a respect for what families are going through when they are simply trying to get through the hell of laying their son to rest? Somewhere, something went terribly wrong.

Over the course of the last six months, we have been privileged to be visited daily by a family of wild turkeys. We live out in the country. The lots around us are large, which means that in between the lots, it’s forest. So, the turkeys seems to have this path mapped out where they go from lot to lot, through the forest, out in our yard, and then on to the next lot.

When we first encountered them, there was the mother, who was quite large, and five little tiny fuzzy balls of joy. They would stay hidden in the forest when their mother would enter our yard. When she made sure it was all clear, she would signal them to come out. They were so cute running as fast as they could to catch up to their mother.

Over time, they learned that we would not harm them. On our porch, we have a series of bird feeders for smaller birds. The seeds that the birds didn’t eat would fall to the ground. So these turkeys came quite close to the house to pick up the access seed that had fallen on the ground. I went outside once to sit on the steps of the porch. I didn’t realize they were there. I looked over to my right, and five feet from me was the mother turkey who briefly looked up to say a gobble or two, and proceeded to eat more. I simply said, “Hello there”, and that was that.

Over the course of time, the small ones grew until they were close to the size of their mother. Today, they stick together, but the mother is no where to be found. The other day, I spotted her in the back yard, but without her five youngsters. They had gone their separate ways. And in time, the siblings will part and go their separate ways as well. That’s the way it is with turkeys.

This is the way human beings relate as well, aside from the fact that we like to think of ourselves as being more evolved.

My family and I are quite distant, physically, and emotionally. For the most part, I like it that way. My family has a lot of baggage that I really don’t need in my life. As a gay man, like many other gay men, friends are extremely important to me. They become family to me. I think this is why I place such strong importance on friendship, I suppose, to a fault.

I have worked with people who were like brothers to me. There are a few individuals who fall into this category. They happened to have worked with me in the past, or at the place I work at. When they left the company, they each pledged to keep in touch. I was sure they would because I had close emotional ties to them. In fact, I considered one like a brother to me. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. And when he left the company, on his last day, I privately went to a private conference room, closed the door, and cried. I know, it sounds like an over-reaction, but I knew the guy for over a decade, I knew his family, and over that time, somehow, he kind of became my extended family, honestly, like a brother to me. We have exchanged only one email since the time he left. In that email was a promise of a lunch, but I know that nothing will happen. We have gone our separate ways.

So too has it been with four other individuals who “wanted to keep in touch”. I had dinner with one about a year ago, after not seeing him for five years. He never called back, but later sent me an email stating, “I have been a horrible friend...”. Well, yes. I can’t argue with that. But it seems to be human nature.

My problem is that I’m not a turkey! When I give my friendship to someone, it lasts a lifetime. I have a friend who is a turkey. He is a childhood friend. He went his separate way. I haven’t heard from him in about 12 years. But here’s the thing. If he needed me and called me, I’d be right there for him just like it was yesterday, with no questions asked. That is what I am.

I accept that 99.99% of all people are turkeys. I simply have to get over being hurt when they treat my sacred friendship with them as if I’m a fellow turkey, because, I’M NOT. I never brush off a friendship. I never forget people. I care for people, and I think I want to keep it that way, even though they don’t return the favor.

Outside of my little microcosm of friends turkeys, what does this mean for America? It means that as a nation, generally speaking, we have no allegiance with anyone really, accept for ourselves and the people that are in our lives at the time. We, for the most part go through life having people enter and leave our lives, thinking little about it... just like the turkeys in my back yard. And people are ok with that it seems. And when America really starts falling apart economically and socially (for those of you out there who are not turkeys, but ostriches who have your head in the sand, it’s already happening), we will really have only ourselves to rely on because we are, after all, only turkeys.

Think about it.

Why am I different? Because at an early age, when my friends were dying of AIDS, we made promises to each other, as though our very lives depended on it. We would “mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.” I kid you not. And I can’t tell you everything that entailed. No, I really can not tell you, if you get my drift. Let’s just say, we did what we had to do for our friends, and part of that pledge was to never talk about these things again. That is what friendship is to me.

For email notification subscribers, click this link to leave a comment on this entry.

Yesterday was just awful for me.

Do you ever have days that are so blah that by 11:00 or so you wonder why you didn’t just stay in bed? For me, that’s usually a warning sign of depression that is looming. I’m not talking about “the blues”. I’m talking about a clinically depressive episode that is telling me that it’s going to come out and show itself. Then followed all the negative thoughts that fuel it, followed by feelings of guilt that I’m giving into it, followed by feelings that I am worthless, and boring, and ugly. You get the idea.

Then I go to lunch, not because I’m hungry, but because when you are in a depressive state, you latch on to things, one more thing, one more thing... to get you through the next hour, then the next hour, with the end-goal of it being 5:00 so you can leave work and go home.

I made it to 4:00 and had to go home. It sucked. I got home, which followed with more feelings of worthlessness and just not being motivated to do anything. And that is depression.

With me, it comes and goes. I actually have a pretty good handle on it, and all without medication. For that, I’m proud of myself. And by the weekend, it will most likely be gone. What is my weapon? Well, I plan ahead and plan to do things this weekend. We are going somewhere and will spend the day together. It may be a hike, or a drive. Or a bit of both.

My depression is a battle within myself. I try to the best of my ability to contain it within myself and not spill over onto others, because then, they get depressed because I’m depressed. You get the picture. Kent knows when I’m down. He has his work to do and usually leaves me be. I do what I have to do to move forward.

I am usually aware of the impetus for the depression. It rarely just happens by itself. I can’t help but think that the coming and going of 9-11 had a lot to do with it. I was going to write my thoughts on this yesterday, but I simply was not in a state of mind to do that. And there are some big things happening at work that I’m not at liberty to talk about, that have left me feeling a bit overwhelmed. But I’m a survivor. This will pass.

So yesterday was a bust. I go to pick up my sandwich at my favorite sandwich shop. They all love to talk to me. We talk a bit. I go through the line and at the register, she points out that she’s not charging me for lunch because I look like I’m having a rough day. I say, “Thank you Mama”, the nickname of the little Indian lady that is always behind the cash register. I’m not sure why they like me so much, but it’s nice to see that some people still care for each other.

Well here it is. A few of my thoughts about yesterday...

I wish we would still care for each other like we used too. Now, we are just too busy and too self-absorbed.

I wish they would stop saying over and over again that instead of remembering 9-11, we should finally just “move on” and treat the day just like any other day, because it just lets the terrorists know that they have “won” (this from the radio broadcast on my way to lunch). How can we “move on”. For God’s sake, it was and is one of the big pivotal points in the history of this country -- right up there with Pearl Harbor. Have we come to a point where we want to forget things simply because they are too painful to remember? “What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget...” (from a Barbara Streisand song - God I’m so freaking GAY!). Good people died that day and extraordinary acts of heroism showed itself as the best of what can be... if we just CARE.

I stopped for my moment of silence yesterday. During that moment of silence, when I should have been thinking about the souls we lost that day, I instead found myself thinking of other things....

I thought about my country and the place we are in because of the fucking moron we have in the White House serving as our President. “I want to bring dignity back to the White House”, he said when he was running for President, alluding to the sex scandals of the Clinton Presidency. You know what? I can take sex scandals. They are nothing compare to using the lives and deaths of our men and women in uniform as a simple, cheap political tool. And for what? Iraq did nothing to us. This man is so stupid he couldn’t even get figure out the right country to attack or figure out who the real enemy is. And what is left? An exhausted military put into a situation where there are no solutions. The President has ruined my country. All the while, our real enemy gains strength. And I have to sit in my car on my way back to work and hear that Osama bin Laden has released yet another tape and is apparently doing quite well, telling me that as an American citizen, I should convert to Islam.

I thought about the U. S. Constitution, that allows me to write this without fear of imprisonment, torture, or death. Thank God for the Constitution. Of course, my phone will probably be wire tapped at this point, at the very least, but I’m still allowed to say these things. If I disappear suddenly without a trace, you will know what happened to me.

I thought about the idea that the Bush Administration is just biding their time now until they are out of office so the next President can deal with the mess that they have left behind. Meanwhile, they will keep our troops there, and they will die. My solution; if this is such a noble cause, the President should have no problem at all sending his two daughters there to fight for their country. Meanwhile, we should start impeachment proceedings against him and charge him with “grand stupidity” if nothing else.

I thought about where I’m at in life and that I’m really quite happy, aside from this bout of depression, which will pass. I feel bad for the young people. If I were 18 years old again, what a different world it would be to grow up in. Almost pre-Skynet, if you are a fan of the Terminator movies. Oh, speaking of which, about a week or so ago, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that violence in movies and video games are causing harm to our youth. This from the man who made his stardom in movies that glorified violence and death. I guess it’s ok if it’s you making the money?

So that was my day. On top of that it rained most of the day. I’m looking for places to go this weekend for a small outing somewhere in the state. Maybe western Connecticut. I rarely get over that way. The leaves are starting to change and I’m getting into my Fall mood. Fall is a great time in New England. It’s quite beautiful here with all the orange, yellows, and reds on the trees.

Today will be better than yesterday, I’m hoping. Hey, and it’s sunny!

I also want to make a special welcome back to Fritz, who is blogging again! I missed you buddy.

On December 1, 2004, I had a bad fight with a friend at work. We didn’t talk with each other for a few months. After that, he asked, “Are we alright?” I told him, “Yeah, we are alright.” That was a lie. We went our separate ways and avoided each other completely. In the last six weeks, I’ve started trying to get to know him again. I’ve asked him out to lunch probably 5 times, and he was “too busy” each time. The last time, I decided to just drop the friendship. It takes two to be friends and if one is unwilling or unable too, it’s just not going to work.

So yesterday, he came back to my desk and asked if I had already had lunch. I told him that I had, but could go with him and have a soda. So we went to one of the fast food places for lunch. And, I reminded him of that day that he asked me if we were “alright”. I said, “The truth is, I wasn’t alright, not by a long shot.” He said, “uht oh..”, becoming uneasy at where this conversation was going. I interrupted and said, “No... I have to say something and I want you to understand me.” I reminded him of everything that was said that morning in 2004 right after Bush stole yet another election. I reminded him that at the time, President Bush had won the election largely by driving conservative voters to the polls on a promise to pass a constitution amendment against marriage equality for gay couples.

So, when my friend yelled in my face that it was “for the good of the country” that President Bush won the election, I told my friend that his statement was viewed by me as a grave insult against my family and all gay families like mine because President Bush didn’t win the election based on the war. He won the election based on putting fear into people that if he wasn’t re-elected, there would be no stopping marriage equality for gay couples.

He listened attentively. And I said, given the last four years, gay marriage has been pushed to the back burner because Bush has basically destroyed our country and our world reputation. And of course, the day after the election, Bush never spoke of the constitutional amendment again. The conservative voters that put him into office on a promise to protect their fragile marriages against all the queer couples who wanted marriage..... WERE LIED TO.

Not surprisingly, my friend has become very disenchanted with the President, so I guess it wasn’t for the good of the country after all. I usually love being right, but not this time.

I don’t know if my friend and I will get back to where we were. Everything has changed. The country is not where it was in 2004. People have changed their minds on this president. But one thing remains. Not once during the conversation did my friend once say that he was sorry about slamming my family, or at least sorry that I interpreted his statements in that way -- that he didn’t mean it that way.

As far as I’m concerned, I can forgive and forget. I’ve changed a great deal in the last few years as well. It’s been a wake up call for me to stop worrying about people who don’t care about people like me, whether they be ex-friends, or the President of the United States. I am only concerned now with my world. I’ve grown more selfish in my needs and my wants, which center around my family -- just like the typical every day American. Sad, isn’t it that we no longer care for each other as a people?

Except I still support the troops where I can with free (for them, not for me) phone cards so they can call home occasionally. I try to do my part to support the troops. While everyone else who stated that they voted for Bush because it was “for the good of the country”, now sit back and watch TV in their easy chairs complaining about gas prices, while our young men and women in the military are put through the meat grinder in Iraq, and pat themselves on the back for putting those yellow “Support Our Troops” stickers on the back of their cars, I am actually doing something about it. I really do support the troops, even though I’m sure that the majority of those who are using my money to call home with probably don’t care much for gay people.

But, I believe that is what is good for the country. I still care for people, even though they don’t care much for me. Perhaps so-called Christians could learn a lesson in charity from the likes of me. We need to start seeing each other as people and actually start caring for each other. If we can’t start doing that, this country is lost.

I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts. I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way.

As an individual, I would not want [acceptance of gay behavior] to be our policy, just like I would not want it to be our policy that if we were to find out that so-and-so was sleeping with somebody else’s wife, that we would just look the other way, which we do not. We prosecute that kind of immoral behavior. - Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (source)

I have a few pet peeves about this. They are, in order of importance...

1) What has happened to this nation’s news service organizations? I swear, they have more in common with the happenings of General Hospital than they do with what is happening in the world today. I wish that they would report the news, instead of putting something out made up purely of personal opinions. It’s not just this case. It’s everywhere. Very few do actual reporting anymore. Reporting means that you report the facts as you know them, without a care in the world about how it will look or who it will make look bad. They fail at doing this. Every story is marred by how it will effect the President, or how it will change the face of politics. I have news for the news folks. That is not your job or your concern! Your job is to report the facts as you know them, and if you had done your job, the current administration would not be getting away with half the crap that they are pulling off. Every single day is a new controversy. But news organizations don’t want to take the heat for stepping on the wrong toes and offending someone who could effect their revenues. And that is the heart of the problem. News agencies have become pure profit centers. Where money is the bottom line, money will be able to buy how a story is written and how it will be presented to the sheep (that’s us, folks), who will follow without question.

This all falls into line with the question that was asked General Pace. General Pace was asked his personal opinion if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell should be repealed. His personal opinion if homosexuality is immoral or not is IRRELEVANT to his position, or to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell for that matter. The question should never have been asked as a matter of news. Perhaps it would be more appropriate in a Barbara Walters interview. See my point?

The fallout has already started with this swift and strong response from the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.

General Pace’s comments are outrageous, insensitive and disrespectful to the 65,000 lesbian and gay troops now serving in our armed forces. Our men and women in uniform make tremendous sacrifices for our country, and deserve General Pace’s praise, not his condemnation. As a Marine and a military leader, General Pace knows that prejudice should not dictate policy. It is inappropriate for the Chairman to condemn those who serve our country because of his own personal bias. He should immediately apologize for his remarks. Regardless of one’s opinion about ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ every service member deserves respect. Secretary of Defense Gates should immediately condemn Pace’s remarks. Their apologies should be swift and sincere. - C. Dixon Osburn, Executive Director of Servicemembers Legal Defense Network (SLDN) (source)

2) Let’s talk a bit about morality, since General Pace brought the subject up.

Being gay and sleeping with someone’s wife are not the same thing. When you apply to the military, you are asked on the enlistment form if you are a homosexual. To be able to serve your country, you lie. Is telling a lie immoral? Because if it is, I would argue that the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy has failed the morality test just on that alone. Is being honest immoral, when it comes to telling others that you are gay?

Is sleeping with someone else’s wife immoral? It all gets rather muddy to put these two issues together, as though they are one. This is what General Pace has done. The military will (supposedly) prosecute a member found to be committing adultery. IF Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell were not in place, and IF gay people could actually get married, I would expect the military to hold both gay and straight couples to the same standard with respect to adultery. If you sleep around with others in the military, and you are married, you will suffer the consequences. That is not a gay or straight issue, assuming gay couples could get married.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is purely an issue for gay people, and an issue of lying to stay in the military. How moral is that?

Is it moral to go into war with another country when that entire war is built on a foundation of lies?

Is it moral for CIA field operatives to be exposed as payback for someone’s revenge?

Is it moral to propose a constitutional amendment against an unpopular minority solely to garner votes from conservative voters, when you have no intention of following through with the passage of the amendment?

Is it moral to support and carry out torture of other human beings under the guise of “protecting our way of life”?

Is it moral to ship detainees to other countries known for the brutal torture techniques that we are legally unable to carry out, so that our purposes will be achieved?

Is it moral to hold detainees (just for the sake of argument, let’s call them “enemy combatants”) for was long as we deem necessary without giving them any legal way to get out of their situation?

Is it moral that we are more concerned with Britney Spears and who won an Oscar than the situation in Darfur?

Is it moral to send our troops into harms way without proper equipment and sacrifice them for a cause built on a lie?

Is it moral to deal with every issue that comes up by finding a scapegoat to take the fall for “what went wrong”, instead of going after the real people responsible for the issue in the first place?
Hurricane Katrina - Michael Brown says victims are partly responsible. Later, he is fired as the scapegoat. None of this sticks to President Bush.
Walter Reed Army Medical Center - Lt. Gen. Kevin Kiley resigns because he’s the scapegoat. None of this sticks to President Bush, although I’m sure he would say “I take full responsibility...”. That is becoming easier and easier for him to say isn’t it? Especially when it doesn’t really mean anything.
MANY others....

Is it moral for us to accept a statement from a Secretary of Defense (Rumsfeld) who stated, “You go to war with the Army you have. They’re not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time.”? Is it moral for us to accept that knowing that lives will be lost in sending that Army to war without proper preparations?

Is it moral for our military to accept help from Iraqi citizens who put their lives in jeopardy to help the United States, then have the United States later turn our backs on those Iraqi citizens when they ask for protection?

General Pace, since you seem to be willing to offer up your personal opinion on morality, what would you say about these issues? They are just as real as Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. My bet is that you will say nothing about them. Why? Because those issues all point to the same place: THE WHITE HOUSE, and not a bunch of queers who are an easy and politically safe target for you. You are a soldier. Show some backbone damn it.

All of these issues make looking at the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy through the rosy colored glasses of morality a rather silly argument. You have gay people who are willing to risk their lives defending this county, while sacrificing their personal integrity and pride to do that. And this is what gets attention while all these other issues that are eroding our country’s image and national security are merely brushed under the carpet as the news du jour.

How moral is that?

Final thought....

Judging gay men and women in the military for factors unrelated to their fitness to serve undermines our military’s effectiveness. Certain leaders’ bigotry should not be a rational basis for discrimination. This kind of prejudice is going to continue to have a direct impact on our national security as we allow qualified gay men and women to lose their jobs for no good reason.

This policy, and General Pace’s bigotry, is outdated, unnecessary and counter to the same American values our soldiers are giving their lives for each and every day. - Eric Alva, the first soldier to be wounded in the current Iraq conflict. He was awarded a Purple Heart award for bravery by the President of the United States after stepping on a land mine in Iraq in 2003, breaking his right arm and damaging his leg so badly that it had to be amputated. Eric came out as a gay man last month. (source)

Other Interesting reading....
Anti-Gay Remarks of Military Chief Suggest Gay Ban Lacks Rationale (except below)

Nathaniel Frank, a Senior Research Fellow at the Palm Center who is writing a book on the gay exclusion rule to be published next year by St. Martin’s Press, said that in recent history, military leaders had carefully constructed a rationale for the gay ban that sought to confine its reasoning to military necessity rather than morality or bias. “They came up with the unit cohesion rationale,” Frank explained, “which argued that the presence of gays and lesbians in a unit would undermine the morale, readiness and operational effectiveness of the military. For some, this was just a cover for the real source of their resistance to gay service, which was moral.”

But Frank said overwhelming evidence from the U.S. and foreign militaries showed that openly gay service does not impair the military. In a January op-ed in the New York Times, Pace’s predecessor, Gen. John Shalikashvili, called for an end to gay exclusion, saying research has shown that gay service does not undermine cohesion.

“That statement more or less ended the debate over unit cohesion,” Frank said, “forcing the voices opposed to gay service to revert to moral dogma. But there is really no basis for excluding an entire group of people simply because some of the military has a moral problem with those people. If it doesn’t translate into military impairment, they'll probably need to just grin and bear it. No one ever said that, when you serve your country, you're entitled to choose everyone you serve with.”

The increasing incoherence of the military's gay exclusion policy (except below)

...the number of convicted felons who enlisted in the U.S. military nearly doubled in the past three years, totaling 4,230 in the last four years. The recruits entered under the “moral waiver” program, which enlists those who otherwise would not qualify because of immoral behavior, such as committing felonies. This lowering of standards continues as two to three competent gay service members lose their jobs every day. More than 11,000 have been fired under the policy, including more than 800 mission-critical specialists and 300 linguists covering 161 different occupational specialties.

The Palm study should be required reading for Pace, so he can explain why gay counterintelligence officers are too immoral to serve in the military, while it made sense to admit Pvt. Steven Green, a high school dropout with three criminal convictions and a history of substance abuse who is charged with the rape and killing of an Iraqi family in Mahmudiya, Iraq. Green was enlisted through a moral waiver.

Sharp Drop in Gays Discharged From Military Tied to War Need (except below)

The number of homosexuals discharged from the U.S. military under the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy dropped significantly in 2006, according to Pentagon figures released yesterday -- continuing a sharp decline since the Afghanistan and Iraq conflicts began and leading critics to charge that the military is retaining gay men and lesbians because it needs them in a time of war. [...]

“It is hypocritical that the Pentagon seems to retain gay and lesbian service members when they need them most, and fires them when it believes they are expendable,” said Steve E. Ralls, a spokesman for the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, a nonprofit that opposes the policy. [...]

There are an estimated 65,000 gay men and lesbians serving in the military today, according to census-based research by the Williams Institute at the University of California at Los Angeles...