Essays: October 2004 Archives

If you are like me, you are out there wondering what has happened to American politics. I am approaching fifty years old, and in my entire life, I don't remember the politics being so divisive and mean-spirited. I'm not just talking about the presidential race either. It's across the board, and both Democrats and Republicans are to blame.

The election can go either way at this point. I have no idea who will be elected President. When I hear stories about firms hired to register voters throwing away voter registrations they feel belong to Democrats, I suppose the whole election is up for grabs. And then of course, as with every election it seems, we start hearing stories around this time about how we lack voting machines that are accurate.

As a citizen, I do not want Bush to be our President for four more years. I think he has failed our country in Iraq. I don't feel we are any safer now than we were four years ago. If anything, he has made us more of a target by pissing the entire world off at us. I don't like the way he has divided our country and turned so many of us against each other. In so many areas, he has done to this country what Osama bin Laden was unable to do, turn us against each other.

The Republican Party has been bought, it seems to me, by the radical religious right. Abortion, gay marriage, and school prayer, all have meaning in the religious arena. But, in terms of civil policy, they do not and should not have a say. We call this the separation of church and state, and the line must be drawn in clear and concise terms. At the present, we have a government that is hell bent on severely blurring that line, and much public policy is being formed based solely on religious grounds. That's very dangerous.

At the state level, 12 states will vote on November 2nd on whether to pass a state constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage and, in some cases, even the ability for gay couples to form legal contracts or civil unions. In those states, the arguments being presented against doing that are based on how it will effect unmarried heterosexual couples and what negative legal effects it may inadvertently have on them. No thought is given to how it will effect the legal arrangements of gay couples. They are, after all, people too, aren't they? Are they not still, American citizens?

Think about that for a minute. They are actually placing an amendment into their constitution for the soul purpose of limiting the rights afforded to citizens. All of this is based on religious dogma. It has nothing to do with protecting marriage or protecting children, and the proponents of these hateful amendments can provide no reasonable examples of how allowing gay couples to marry will harm the current state of marriage. It is simple bigotry wrapped up in religious thought and imposing itself into civil matters. The alarming thing is, it's working. We are allowing this to happen.

So, what happens to those of us who don't buy into the religious dogma. Well, we are the outsiders. Right now, in this year, the easy target is homosexual couples. But don't expect that to last. Once the states have finished applying discrimination against gay couples into their state constitutions (and I believe most all of them will succeed in doing that), someone else, some other group, will be the next target. This is the slippery slope that we are going down.

And all of this flies in the face of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution which states that no State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. It is extremely troubling to me that we are about to have twelve states abridge the privileges of a significant number of their citizens, and deny them equal protection of the laws and yet, no one seems to care.

So if we get to the point that our own United States Constitution no longer matters, what does that leave us with? Answer: a religious state governed by the views of the religious majority.

I took a long walk today at lunch time. I've been depressed lately. When I turn on the news, it's more of the same. Finger pointing and accusations. Right now, the topic is finding who is to blame for the shortage of flu shots. Tomorrow, it will be something else.

So today, I made a decision. In a couple of weeks, my partner and I will officially be voted into second-class citizenship by millions of my fellow citizens in possibly twelve states in this great country of ours. I've reconciled myself that. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I've done it.

Although I may live long enough to see some sort of recognition of the relationship I have with my partner of 30 years in my state of Connecticut, I will never live long enough to get married in the United States to see it federally recognized. I've reconciled myself that as well. I will never realize what it feels like to be a full fledged citizen with equal rights to everyone else in this country.

So it would seem that my depression isn't because of me. It is because we are about to truly live in a class system where there are not only different economic levels of citizens, but, there will be a class of citizens who do not have equal rights. We've been through this before in this country, and for the first time in my life, I understand exactly the frustration and disappointment that lead to the race riots in this country.

What am I going to do about it? One thing. I'm going to stop caring so much about issues and people who obviously care nothing for us. Today on my walk, I realized that aside from my country declaring openly that I will not be able to be equal, I've always known that I haven't been equal. Yes, I've been able to sustain a lasting relationship with the man I love, buy a home together, live a quiet life together, and, through it all, have happiness in our home. I am going to go back to that. I'm going to go back to simple joys, such as lighting a fire in the fire place on a cold night, making some hot spiced apple cider, and talking to Kent about our day, our lives, and what really matters, our love for each other.

A week or so ago, I did a search on the Internet for a lawyer. I didn't pick just any lawyer, because our needs are not ordinary. I found one and called her. As with any lawyer I suppose, I got her answering machine, and left a message. Three days later, I got a call back.

I explained to her that we are a gay couple, and I wanted to know how to protect what he have together. Unlike heterosexual couples that have the protection of marriage that deal with many of these things, we have to try to secure what we can through legal documents and just hope that they are honored. In other words, we try to rig the system into honoring a relationship that legally doesn't exist. To the law, after thirty years of being together, Kent and I are “legal strangers”.

After we talked with her, we realized that we made a very wise decision in choosing her over a lawyer that does not specialize in all the “gotchas” of law, where gay relationships are concerned.

But it was depressing. We both now have to decide a lot of issues. When she is done, we will have a will, power of attorney, and many other documents. She strongly suggested that we carry some of the documents with us when we travel, in case we are in an accident. I asked her why we would have to do that. None of my friends and acquaintances do, to my knowledge. With each question I asked, she painted a scenario for me, based on what has happened with other gay couples that she had represented. In the case of an accident where say, Kent, is hospitalized, I would have to present the document to the hospital and hope that they would give me visitation rights to see Kent. They wouldn't have to as there is no legal reason for them to do so, other than this document drafted by a lawyer stating that is our wish. She told us that if we were to have the accident in Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, New York, or Vermont, we would probably be ok. Other than that, she said, it all depends on what the hospital wants to do. In a conservative state, we would probably have a problem.

So, where does that leave us?

After that meeting, I became depressed. I thought that the depression was due to the fact that the answers our lawyer needs are dealing with our life and death decisions. In that regard, we are no different than anyone else. But there's more to it than that. I was never so naive to think that with legal documents we would be fully protected. What really became clear to me is just how messed up this country is for gay people. We tell ourselves that we are a free country. We tell ourselves that we all have equal opportunity and equal freedom.

It's all crap.

We aren't free. We aren't equal. I don't even feel like I can be openly affectionate towards Kent in public. I have a great fear of that. I know at the very least we will be called faggots. It's happened before when we've tried to be open. At most, one or both of us will be physically assaulted. Is that freedom? Is that equality? In North Hampton, Massachusetts, where we were yesterday, I don't even feel like we can be open, and it is in a very liberal environment. When we take vacations, we have to look for a place that is gay friendly to every extent possible. Why? Very simple. So that we, for a little while at least, can go to a place where maybe, just maybe, we can actually be who we are and not be afraid, just for a little while. So, last night at dinner, I pondered this to Kent and said, “Maybe if we come back again in another life, it will be better.”

There are those among us who want to make us legally less than equal, and that seems to be ok with my fellow Americans. Why is that ok? Why am I so bad that a state amendment would be put in place to protect certain legal and civil institutions such as marriage from someone like me? Are you listening Ohio? You, and many other states will make this decision on November 2nd to decide what rights I will get and what rights I will be denied. And I can't do a damn thing about it. It is predicted that most of the state amendments making gay marriage illegal will pass with ease. So, what does this say about America? What does it say about the people around me – my fellow Americans?

I've lost my hope for America. I've lost my pride in America. And, I've lost my faith in the American People being fair. We talk about the Constitution of the United States. We hold it up high and say with pride, “This is what we are about. This is what America is about.” Yeah right. It's what America is about, until we want to change it. If the principle of freedom and equal rights is sound, that can't be changed because some don't like others within our society. This is what will happen on November 2nd. And most Americans who aren't gay, won't give a damn about that, as long as it doesn't effect them.

Kent and I talked about leaving America. I never thought that would happen. I would have given my life for this country. Somewhere along the way, America changed and turned into a country of bitterness and sub-communities who don't seem to care much for each other.

We have talked that if George W. Bush gains re-election, he will most likely be able to appoint more conservative judges to the U.S. Supreme Court. We will see more of the same and perhaps with four more years with him as President, the Constitutional Amendment against gay marriage will gain momentum. Anything can happen. We have already gone down a path that prior to 9/11 I would not have imagined. Is what happened on 9/11 connected to the marginalization of certain groups of people in this country?

On another issue that came up in our discussion with our lawyer, was the issue of what should be done with us after we are gone. What about our home, our possessions, and even our bodies? We have both chosen to be cremated, and have talked about buying a plot in a small local cemetery not far from our home. It's a nice peaceful cemetery on a small hill. In the cemetery are some very old graves dating back one hundred and fifty years. But we starting thinking about something that shouldn't even be a consideration. Our tomb stone will have our names on it. It will undoubtedly look like we were a gay couple together for life. I imagine that our grave will be the target of vandalism and destruction. Even though I most likely wouldn't know about it, it's like the final insult to our love together. So, we have started to even rethink that. I guess at this point, we are just thinking of having our ashes scattered some place, without a trace that we ever existed.

Maybe that's not all bad. Why stay in a place that's so dark?

In time, every sad ending will become happy.

The sad ending is only because the author stops telling the story.

But it still goes on.

It's just untold.

From the movie Twin Falls Idaho

Think about it.