Essays: December 2004 Archives

I received a Christmas card a few days ago from a cousin of mine in Idaho. We haven’t talked in twenty years. I have drifted away from my family. And it honestly hurts like hell to think that labels can separate us, all of us, so much.

I always had a big problem with my label. My family said to me when I told them I was gay, “We love you anyway.” You know, before I told them, I had to endure harassment and physical violence at school. I prayed to God to change me to a straight person so I could be “normal”. I told God that if he didn’t change me, I would kill myself. No sixteen year old should have to go through that. But I did go through that, alone. I had no one to talk to because being gay then was as bad as being a murderer. So, when I finally got up the incredible courage to tell them I am gay, they hit me with “We love you anyway. That’s the first time I realized that this problem was not fixable. It was me, and that part of me was not something they would accept. That is the power of a label.

One label has made me different from them. I always knew that the label applied to me. I just never really knew, or wanted to accept, the price it would demand of me if I honestly wore that label with honesty and pride. Not the kind of pride of being a homosexual, per se. Rather, the pride to proclaim that what I am is ok.

Was it worth it? I suppose it’s a pointless question to ask. The label was applied to me before I was born. It was simply a choice of living my life with some dignity, with some pride, or being ashamed of myself. But the price is high. I will never get the years back from the separation from my family. They will never really know me, or I them. I saw them last August. They were the same, but different. Or was it me who has changed? It’s probably both, but the past is gone.

I think people like us are special. You have to be strong to survive. Many of us in families that can’t accept decide not to go on, and we end our lives. I can’t criticize that because by the time I told my family, I was in a position to not have to live at home anymore. I was old enough by law, to leave. But if you are too young for that to happen, and you are trapped in a world that doesn’t accept you, there’s no clear path for you to take. That was then.

Today, there is more acceptance that we can have a place in this world. Recent events have shown me that the tacit acceptance we have gained can be easily taken away, and there are efforts to do just that. So we have another label to try to reconcile ourselves with: marriage.

After all these years of struggle, of being fired for being gay, of being attacked for being gay, of having my family relationships destroyed for being gay, can any lasting and genuine happiness come from the thirty year relationship I have with my mate? We are happy to be together. We love each other very deeply. But, what happens when one of us dies? If Kent dies first, if my home is taken, if I can’t visit him in the hospital, and all the rest of what comes from marriage, will I want to go on? The only answer I can come up with is, no, probably not. That’s the honest answer. If some friend asked me point blank about that, would I be as honest with them as I am this blog? Probably not.

You can take only so much away from a person before life becomes meaningless. Kent is my world now. I think I would be able to go on without him, if other things were in place. If I had my marriage to comfort me when I am left alone, and I knew that nothing horrible was going to happen, I think I could go on in the memories of what we had together. If the recognition and dignity of that is stripped away by the state and my country, would there be anything left for me to live for. Probably not. I would be ready to let go and leave. But, it’s only marriage right?

That is the power of a label.

We are in route to San Diego now and just left Philadelphia. It took forever to get off the ground it seemed. It was a bumpy ride leaving Hartford. This part of the trip seems smoother. It’s just as cold in Philadelphia as it is in Hartford it seems. When we left, it was in the teens with a wind that made the air sting against the skin.

As Kent will attest to, I don’t travel well. I get too excited about all the stuff that could happen, but once I get into the air (and get a few drinks into me - gin and tonic seem to be the drink for today), I do just fine.

Random thoughts....

I read in the Hartford Courant this morning that one of the giants of opera died yesterday. Renata Tebaldi is dead at the age of 83. When I read that, my heart sank a bit. I remember fondly the afternoons I spent listening to her at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City on the Saturday program Live from the Met. In Emmett, Idaho, where I grew up, there wasn’t much more for a gay boy to do on Saturday afternoons other than listen to the opera. My friends were out shooting helpless animals in the name of sport; I still to this day do not understand that concept. It all seemed very barbaric to me. It seemed a bit more civilized to sit under my tree at the park just below the Emmett dam, listening to the sound of water in the background falling over the spillway, as I listened to my favorite opera stars sing their hearts out at The Met. Instead of actually killing innocent animals in the name of “sport”, I was doing the more civilized thing; listening to how others were scheming to murder others in the name of love and jealousy, or, in some cases, outright murder.

It was very real to me of course. I would listen to them scheme and I would be there with them. It would take me away from my miserable existence as a child and into the magical world of opera. Renata Tebaldi was one of the reigning diva’s at The Met. And let me tell you, her voice was something to reckon with. It could be, as Toscanini described it, the “voice of an angle”. It could also be a huge and intimidating presence. Her sense of phrasing was always meticulous. I loved her in Mephistopheles the most I think.

Other Random thoughts....

Jacqueline du Pre. Now there’s an intimidating presence. I’m listing to her perform the Dvorák Cello Concerto. Jacqueline died on October 18, 1987 of multiple sclerosis.

She is known for her passionate and powerful performances of the Elgar Cello Concerto and the Dvorák. I admit, it’s difficult to listen to this performance. It has actually brought me to tears a few times. Part of that is the material itself, which at times simply weeps in despair. The performance was recorded after Jacqueline was diagnosed and it is said that she was having some difficulties with her playing. What came through was no lack of technical ability. What came through was rage at times with unbelievable strength and power. She never once said in her performance of this concerto on this recording, despite what she was going through at the time, “I accept my fate. I accept what is about to happen to me.” That is why this is probably the most profound performance of this concerto I’ve ever heard. It is exactly what the concerto is speaking too. She understood it perfectly. I usually say about an artist or a performance, “I wish I could have been there to see her perform it”, but in this case, it would have simply been too damn painful to watch.

The very odd thing about Jacqueline du Pre is that, although she was an absolute master at the cello, she hated it. She didn’t enjoy performing, and she didn’t enjoy being in the lime light of a super star status. But, what it gave to her later in life when she needed it most, was an avenue and a way to let the world know what she was going through. Was it musical? I don’t know. I do know that it is one thing that musicianship absolutely demands; honesty and spontaneity. If you are feeling anguish inside over the death you are about to achieve and you aren’t afraid to address it, du Pre’ found the vehicle to address this in the Dvorák Cello Concerto.

Other random thoughts...

I have lived 2/3 of my life. That’s a pretty sobering thought. Still, I do not fret about it. I have experienced so much; good and bad. I have experienced life. If I’m lucky, I may live for another 20-30 years. That would be awesome. According to some people (link to previous entry), I am living on borrowed time, being a gay man and all. But whatever lies in store for me, I’m ready for it. I think of Matthew Sheppard who was killed at such a young age. I think of all that he could have become had he not been savagely murdered for having the courage to simply be himself.

I think of what a gift being gay is. Most reading this will think that I’ve lost my mind by saying that. What do I mean exactly by saying that? First, being gay has given me incredible sensitivity to my world around me. Is that a gay feature? I don’t know. I do know that my straight male counterparts do not have this in any way. Second, I see the greatness and the shallowness of people. I see people rise to the occasion in times of distress. And, I also see the disappointment of seeing some not living up to their potential. It’s scary to be courageous and to stand up for what you believe. It is. But look at it this way. The worst that could happen to you is that you are killed. You are here maybe 60-70 years. It’s not significant. And in terms of the time table of the universe, when the Earth has lived it’s life and is no longer here, it would only have existed for a mere second. And our lives are a mere millionth of a second of that. Second, being gay has caused me a lot of heartache. Yes, this too is a gift. You may not believe it, but most of the growth you will make in your lifetime as a person will come from the bad things that happen to you in life. They challenge you to endure through the pain they cause you. I never looked at them that way when I was going through all the things that life threw at me. But I tell you from experience, that in time, they will give you strength and control over your life.

I think of all the young people who are giving up their lives for our country in Iraq. I honor their bravery and their sacrifice. The fact that they gave up their lives at the hands of a fool does not lessen their sacrifice or their commitment to freedom. I honor that. And I am saddened for the loss their families will feel during this holiday period.

Other Random thoughts...

I wish that people knew us. I mean, as a community. For the longest time, I thought that gay people were understood by society. We’ve been in the news more and on TV more, in a positive light. But if there’s one thing that the marriage issue has shown me, it’s how little we are understood. I don’t know the answer to this. The Human Rights Campaign Fund seems to believe that we should pull back a bit, and give people time to get to know us. My short answer is, BULLSHIT! My long and more drawn out answer is, BULLSHIT! I know, they sound like the same argument, but you say the long argument a bit slower. It’s a more convincing argument I think than the short answer.

The point is, I’m turning 50 in a few days. I don’t have time for straight society to someday decide that they suddenly want to get to know me, or my community. We have given society so much. They openly know this. Yet, when it comes to acknowledging us as equals in society, they won’t do it. And I’m sick to death of this sanctity of marriage crap. There is no sanctity of marriage any longer. That was destroyed long ago. At the point the state and Federal Government began affording rights and privileges to marriage, at that point it became a government program. I honestly wish that they had kept their hands off of it. Then, this would not be an issue. Kent and I could get a blessing if we wanted too. We would not get marriage, but we could call our blessing a marriage at an affirming church. We would not get the rights of marriage, but then neither would anyone else so.... we would all be EQUALS.

I think it’s odd that the President of the United States and the Vice President of the United States have both said that marriage should be honored at the state level and it’s something the states should decide. Fine, but then the Federal Government should strip marriage of all the federal benefits it receives. Also, in just the last few days, a story came out that some major companies are refusing to grant domestic partner benefits to their employees because their health care benefits are based on what a marriage is, according to the federal Defense of Marriage Act, which specifically states that gay couples can not constitute a marriage. So much for our benefits. If the state did allow gay marriage where those companies were located, it wouldn’t matter because the Federal Government does not accommodate gay relationships.

It’s been a long day. We’ve been in the air for seven hours now, and we have another 1 1/2 hours to go before we set down in San Diego. I’m ready for bed. I’m going to try to sleep a bit on the rest of this flight. We are flying first class on this trip and it rocks. The seats are wide, all the free drinks you want, and good food (I’m easily amused). But, on a serious note, if you want to get a few winks, first class is so much nicer because the seats really do recline. Now if I just had my cats.....

Good night.

Gay Americans say they are hurt, bewildered and confused about what they see as a powerful outpouring of anti-gay sentiment. Some are reacting by renewing efforts to change public sentiment while others are retreating.

“It has been a severe blow to many people. There has been a lot of grief and heartache,” said the Rev. Jay McNell, whose Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church in Overland Park, Kansas ignited controversy when it recently ordained a lesbian elder.

“It reminds me of the civil-rights days when we saw discrimination against African-Americans,” he said. (source)

Heartache. I think that is a good word for what a lot of us are feeling. I’m starting to realize that there are a lot of people who are feeling bewildered and disenfranchised right now. I was talking to a coworker this morning about some volunteer work she is doing in her town, on one of the town’s committees. It’s basically Democrat versus Republican, even in the committee she is in. She’s tired of it and, as an Independent, she’s tired of being put in a position of taking sides and constantly defending her position.

And we live in a “liberal” Blue state! In the same article quoted above, a section reads:

Here in America’s heartland, LeAnne, a stay-at-home mom, has taken down the colorful gay-pride windsock that once flew from her front stoop.

Elsewhere in Kansas, a public school administrator has fresh worries about being fired despite 19 years of tenure.

And a veteran fundraiser for a religious charity in Missouri fears a backlash if anyone found out she was raising two children with another woman.

This is the America of George W. Bush. This is “compassionate conservativism”. In 36 states, you can still be fired for being gay. That’s a fact. But, being able to legally fire someone for being gay and actually doing it are two different things. In parallel with that you have people who realize that yes, they could be fired for being gay, but until recently, most probably felt that it would not likely happen.

Now, people are starting to be low key out of fear of retaliation, and not just at work. I am “out” to people. Not necessarily by choice. I don’t believe I’m flamboyant, but have been told that me trying to “act straight” is a point in futility. So, I just try to be me. But even in my liberal state of Connecticut, I wouldn’t do anything around my house to advertise that I may be gay, such as displaying a rainbow anything. Why? Not because I’m ashamed or anything like that. I’m very aware that some of my neighbors voted for Bush, judging from the Bush/Cheney signs in their front yards. Why invite unfortunate things, such as vandalism to my home? But the real issue is this; the fact that I’m even giving it a second thought and thinking through my actions shows the mental state of the America we live in today.

This is where America is now. I realize that what happened at work with my friend is not isolated. There are three sides in this country right now: the conservative right, the liberal left, and the rest of us who are ducking for cover. And if you are a gay American, there are a lot of people who have you in their cross hairs.

Buck conveyed my feelings about America exactly on his blog, Postcards from Nowhere:

Is the United States of America really worth all this grief? Can things change without, unfortunately a new Revolution? I’m not so sure anymore. It seems that the United States is more and more setting itself up to be a marginal rogue state much like the USSR in the 60s, 70s and 80s. We’re too big, too powerful and much too dangerous to ignore but we also have no respect for human rights, fairness, tolerance, or even our own Constitution.

With every victory we achieve, I find myself thinking, “Oh crap! What’s going to happen now? How big will the bashlash be?” We now have full legal marriage for gay couples in Massachusetts. Does anyone really feel that we came out ahead? If you do, perhaps you should ask the gay couples in one of the eleven states that passed constitutional amendments against gay marriage how they feel. And, if it is indeed full-fledged legal marriage, why isn’t the Federal Government recognizing the marriages of Massachusetts as such? I doubt that the IRS will allow a gay couple who lives in and was married in Massachusetts file a joint federal tax return. So much for “full faith and credit”.

We live in a time where we view it as a victory that the United States Supreme Court refused to hear arguments on the decision passed in Massachusetts by the Supreme Judicial Court allowing gay couples to marry in that state. I suppose we view it as a victory that they didn’t want to touch it for fear of reversing it because we are so shell-shocked over what we lost in the last election.

There’s a great irony here. Opponents of gay marriage say that it was “activist judges” who overstepped their authority in Massachusetts by demanding that anything less than marriage was not equal. It is those same opponents who are disappointed that the U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t step in to intervene (or become activist judges, if you will) and reverse the decision of the “activist judges”. I guess you aren’t an activist judge if you rule according to their wishes.

Should we be like Neo and all the other people in The Matrix and be good citizens (read, keep your mouth shut, go to work, come home, have dinner, watch mindless TV, go to bed, repeat it all again the next day but never EVER say anything against THE ESTABLISHMENT)?

Do we now live in an America where making waves in the form of free speech could cause you serious personal consequences?

The day after the Presidential Election, November 3, 2004, a good friend came to me at work to just talk. Of course, by that time I knew that George W. Bush would be our President for four more years. I was very depressed about that, along with a lot of other people.

It wasn’t long before the subject of the election came up. I said, “Please tell me that you didn’t vote for Bush!” He stood up, and yelled at me, “Yes I did! For the good of the country! It was for the good of the country!” He then got up, and stormed out. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned.

I suppose I shouldn’t have come out and even asked how he voted. But I did. It used to be that who you vote for was a very personal and private thing. But everyone talks about it today. So, I didn’t really think twice about asking him.

We didn’t talk for days. I was angry. I felt that my friendship with him was a lie. How dare he vote for someone like that? Days later as I was leaving work, we ran into each other on my way out. He said to me, “Bill... you still mad at me?”, with a big smile on his face. I threw up my arms as if to say, “What do you think?”, and kept walking.

That was the week before Thanksgiving. I took Thanksgiving week off, so I saw no one from work. This morning, he came into the room where I work, and said “Hi Bill.” I said, “Hello Tim” (not his real name). Nothing more was said and I found that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I want nothing to do with him anymore.

People who know me know that I place a very high value on friendship. So why then is this different? If I were to actually talk to Tim about this, what would I say to him?

I would start of with a few questions. I would say, “Tim, have I ever insulted your family? Haven’t I always shown nothing but respect and concern for what you and your family face every day?” He would have to agree with that. I’m always asking how his wife is doing, how their children are doing, among other things. It’s important to me because I want to see my friends happy and living a good life.

After he agreed with that, I would then ask him, “Why then do you feel so little about my family that you would vote to put a man in the White House who has my relationship on his own personal little hit list? Why would you vote for someone who wants to permanently make it illegal for Kent and myself to ever achieve a marriage status? How is that for the ‘good of the country’?”

I realize there are other issues involved in this country and when you vote for a President, you must take all of those issues into account. And I did, when I cast my vote for Kerry. I don’t believe that the war in Iraq is in the best interest of this country. And I honestly don’t believe that we are there to “free the Iraqi people”. This war is about money and oil.

My dilemma is this: Can I be friends with anyone who believes that, after thirty years of devotion to each other, Kent and I should not be able to achieve civil marriage?

I’m having a hard time with this. I know I have friends who have voted for Bush. I know who they are. I try to be above it and continue the friendship. But it’s difficult because in my mind, it all comes down to human dignity and respect. By voting for Bush, I feel that they have lost my respect, and what’s more, perhaps they never respected us as equals to begin with.

What’s left after that?

Follow-up entry
May 15, 2007 - Reconciliation