Essays: July 2005 Archives

Maybe it’s not too much to ask also that a father teach his son that “gay” is not something you can knock out of a child. Nor should you want to.

I have a younger brother. By the time he was a toddler, my father had resigned himself that his bookish and unathletic oldest child was doomed to punkdom. So Dad decided he’d save my brother. He taught him every manly art and vice he could.

I’ll give you one guess which son went to the gay pride beach party.

It’s probably a sign of God’s mercy that our father did not live long enough to learn. (source)

That was from an editorial by Leonard Pitts, Jr. I don’t often agree with Leonard. He recently issued another editorial in which he said that gay couples should just give in to the fact that we should settle for “civil unions” and give up on marriage.

I wrote a letter to him stating that he shouldn’t be so naive about the issue, and asked him, “Would you be willing to settle for second best, knowing that the Federal Government would not honor it?” He answered me back simply saying that he appreciated my thought. I answered back saying that, while I was happy he appreciated my thoughts, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he really didn’t think through the issue of equality.

This editorial seems to be better, probably because as a straight man, he probably just couldn’t understand what it would be like not to have the benefits of marriage once you were legally married. It’s appalling to me why this concept is so difficult for so many.

At any rate, he “gets” the concept of having a gay brother, and the issues that come up from having a gay sibling. I thought his statement, “It’s probably a sign of God’s mercy that our father did not live long enough to learn.”, was very poignant. And, it hit pretty close to home for me.

I was asked by an aunt to never reveal to my mother that I was gay because “it would kill her”. At the time, it sounded to me that being gay was right up there on par with being a murderer or a rapist. I suppose that would have killed my mom as well. But, I was just gay. That’s all.

Then my brother telling me that it was probably better for me that my dad died when I was six years old because he “would not understand” and would have been “very disappointed”. Would I have been disowned, or would I have met with an “accident” such as little Ronnie Paris? In those days, they didn’t have the ”conversion therapies” that they have to day. They put homosexuals through shock treatment and in some cases, they were given a lobotomy, all to “cure” their homosexuality. If you were in the military and it was found out that you were gay, it was common that you would have a “training accident” (which would usually be fatal) while in training or “killed in action” on the battle field. That is how taboo it was.

Now, as an adult, I realize that there were many years that went by when my family never knew me. Today, they all know. And yes, for the most part, they treat me like a stranger. There are pockets of liberalism in my family around the issue of being gay, but for the most part, I have a mental illness. One distant cousin even went so far as to say that I was “worthy of death”.

My family, along with many other families, still don’t know us. Perhaps they never will. How would you feel about having a gay child? Would you honestly accept that child, try to change him, or, if you could somehow know he/she was going to be gay, would you try to abort that child?

I’m sure I wouldn’t be here today had my family known that I was going to be gay. In that sense, I’m glad that technology doesn’t yet provide that information. In the future, who knows?

SACRAMENTO – Opponents of same-sex marriage have abandoned their campaign to recall a Sacramento County Superior Court judge who upheld a controversial gay-rights law.

The drive against Judge Loren McMaster had been closely watched, coming as it did at the height of ideological fights in the courts and Legislature over same-sex marriage.

The state’s attorney general, judges from across the country and gay-rights advocates had rallied behind the jurist, saying removing him would send an ominous message.

Sacramento County social conservatives launched the recall in late December, angered by McMaster’s ruling three months earlier that upheld the state’s domestic partners law granting same-sex couples many of the rights and responsibilities of marriage.

The state Supreme Court unanimously agreed with McMaster in a June 29 ruling.

“That took the wind out of our sails,” recall leader Tony Andrade said in a phone message announcing the campaign had folded. (source)

We’ve all heard of the Judiciary. When we grew up and studied the structure of our government, we learned that we had the President, the Congress, made up of the Senate and the House of Representatives, and the Judiciary.

In the past, it seemed to me at least that the “action” always came from the White House or the Congress. Seldom did you hear from the Judiciary, except once in a great while when some monumental case was decided that cut right to the core of our civil rights. A few cases come to mind in my lifetime; Roe vs Wade (right to choose), Bowers vs Hardwick (right to privacy for gay citizens), and Lawrence vs Texas (overturning of sodomy laws). See also Welcoming Gay People Back Into the Fold: The Supreme Court Overrules Bowers v. Hardwick for more information.

Because of the Judiciary, we now have marriage equality in Massachusetts. There was also an effort to kick the four judges off the bench who voted to marriage equality in Massachusetts, just as the case above illustrates.

Shortly, we will have to deal with the confirmation of another Supreme Court justice. Everyone is saying that we want someone who is “moderate”, but no one really believes that. We all know the type of judge the President wants, and the majority of the House of Representatives, as far as that goes.

Basically, they want a “moderate” judge who believes in “American Family Values”, and will “uphold the Constitution” and “not legislate from the bench” to “make new laws”.

Translated...
American Family Values = No gay marriage or anything (civil union) that will approximate marriage (crude translation: give the fags NOTHING!), no abortion, nothing out of the mainstream.

Mainstream = Nobody really knows. This term is thrown around and we are all wondering what the hell they are talking about. Twenty years ago, this term would have worked. Today, the reality in America is that just down the street, people know of a same-sex couple raising a child and guess what, the problems they face are the same problems that you face so.... isn’t that couple now mainstream?

Uphold the Constitution = Uphold the principles of the Constitution, with a few exceptions. When the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution says, “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”, we do want the Supreme Court to uphold that, except in cases where it violates “American Family Values” (see above). That means that homosexuals are to be exempt from this provision of the U.S. Constitution even though gay couples who want to have the protections of marriage are being denied equal protection of the laws (This amendment will be overridden by a new amendment added to the Constitution entitled "Shit Happens - Section I"). If the Supreme Court (or any other court for that matter) rules otherwise, they are “legislating from the bench” and “making new laws”.

And that is what people like Dick Cheney (with his token closeted daughter Mary who apparently has no sense of self worth), President Bush (who has “many gay friends”, who also apparently have no sense of self worth), and Senator Rick Santorum (who is “enlightened” because he has on his staff an “openly gay staffer” (who also just happens to have no sense of self worth or self respect and is all too willing to do the bidding of his boss at the expense of people just like him).

The fact of the matter is, more of us are becoming more mainstream and people like George W. Bush and Rick Santorum and the Dick Cheney’s of the world just can’t seem to deal with the fact that they and their views are quickly becoming obsolete. The Judiciary is working and the U.S. Constitution is being upheld. They just don’t like the rulings being given by the courts that uphold the civil rights inherent in the Constitution. The world must be turning into a lonely place for people like that.

I still have faith that the majority of the American People understand that equality and fairness should rule the day. I have to believe that because if I don’t, I will no longer believe in my country.

The United Church of Christ made a crucial statement in favor of human rights at a time when some members of Congress are attempting to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage.

It’s a sad indictment on religion that this is such a big story, you would think that religious institutions would have blessed the concept of equal rights for all generations ago. [...]

Several major religious denominations allow same-sex unions, but do not give them the same status as marriage, including the Episcopal Church, with about 2.3 million members, the Evangelical Lutheran Church, with 5 million members, and Reform Judaism, with 1.7 million members.

These religious organizations should take the next step forward and demonstrate they are serious about “family values” by officially recognizing same-sex unions. Gay couples should not be relegated to a second-class status, a gay union is as legitimate as a heterosexual union. (source)

Many people come and go from the relationship they have with their church. Some people never have a relationship with a church. Some don’t believe in God. Others have more than one God they believe in. And, in each one of those scenarios, people view communion differently.

I have seen so many people come to church reading The Bible from cover to cover as though they are looking for life’s deeper meaning; why they are here; why bad things happen. I’ve come to realize from so many things in life that there is no deeper meaning than us. And, unfortunately, there is no “why”.

Communion
1. The act or an instance of sharing, as of thoughts or feelings.
2. Religious or spiritual fellowship.
3. A body of Christians with a common religious faith who practice the same rites; a denomination.

My understanding of communion comes from the second definition, with an emphasis on spiritual fellowship. That is the deepest understanding that anyone will ever come to the understanding of God.

I had the strangest experience years ago in San Francisco. It was a cold night. There was an AIDS march from The Castro to City Hall. I went on the march alone. I walked down to The Castro, a short ten minute walk from our apartment.

There, I was met with thousands of mostly gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who were about to start on the march towards City Hall. I had lost many of my friends to AIDS, and many of my friends were dieing at the time. I went on the march for fellowship and communion. You think that is irrational and radical? Tell that to Jesus. He held communion and fellowship all the time with the most scandalous of characters and in the oddest of places.

We arrived at City Hall. There were so many of us. Yet, I felt so alone. So very alone. People were giving speeches and it was very emotional. The mist from the night breeze hit my face and felt like tiny needles piercing my skin. I was overwhelmed by the hopelessness of AIDS and what we were up against. We were dieing and it seemed that nobody cared. People were crying as different people talked on stage and as people embracing one another. I was by myself and I was overcome with emotion. I dropped to my knees, closed my eyes, and asked for strength for my friends, and to know what the answer was to this problem.

Out of nowhere, I felt this hand on my shoulder. I was startled and look up to see this very handsome man looking down on me. No words were spoken. I stood up, and looked him in the eyes. I was greeted by this very warm and accepting smile. His eyes met my eyes. With no words, he put his arms around me and held me tight. I wept. He whispered in my ear, “You are not alone,” as if he had read my thoughts. Then he said, “Remember me.”

I didn’t want to let go because I felt acceptance at that moment. I focused my attention to the stage for a brief second and turned around to utter the first words to this friend that was there. But, in that brief second, he was gone, as if he evaporated into thin air.

I went home on the subway. I took the Church Street train up to Delores Park, and walked the one block to our apartment. Kent was inside and asked how the gathering was. I asked him, “Do you believe in angels? I think I met one tonight.”

That is communion.

It’s a sad indictment on religion that this is such a big story, you would think that religious institutions would have blessed the concept of equal rights for all generations ago.

It is a sad indictment on religion that, after saying that homosexuals were psychologically unable to foster long-lasting relationships, that religion itself is unable to psychologically deal with the fact that homosexual couples want to be part of the fabric of society and religious blessings.

In all honesty, I too find this concept to be quite vexing. There was a time in my life that I wanted nothing to do with “straight society”. It was the time when the tourist buses would come to The Castro to see the freaks and take pictures of the queers, all from the safety of their buses - never venturing out into our neighborhood to see what we were really about. We would, in turn, accommodate them by pulling down our pants and mooning them, as if it were a ritual.

Did this help our cause? No. But helping our cause was not the hot issue. Our brothers were dieing for Christ’s sake. As far as we were concerned, these tourists and the rest of society could go fuck themselves.

That was then. Not really so long ago. It astonishes me how things have changed. I want to say, “... how far we’ve come ...”, but that implies that there was something wrong with where we were. There was nothing wrong with where we were. We were just in different places.

But now, at this point in time, with so many of our brothers dead, we want to come home. Home means that we want to belong to the embodiment of man.

It is sad that religion is the last to understand what true communion is about. Communion is acceptance. Communion is coming home.

A few days ago, I received an email from an old friend. It was someone who I hadn’t talked to in ten years. When I received the email, I didn’t recognize the name at first. We exchanged a few emails, and I gave him my phone number. I didn’t expect him to call actually, But that same night, he called me.

He said that he wanted to thank me for being such a positive force in his life. I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about. He told me that because of me, he now had a career in technology. He reminded me when I would help him with programs when he was with the company. Today, he works as a consultant with an IT consulting firm. He has a beautiful family with two small children. He sent me photos of them, and I saw him for the first time. You see, we never met in person. I worked with him long distance as he worked at a remote office within my company.

I was touched by his friendship and his desire to become better friends. But then, something rather dreaded happened. I realized that he didn’t know about me being gay.

If there’s one thing in the world that is horrible to me, it’s the dreaded conversation I have to have with someone I hold very dear to me. I hadn’t talked to my friend in ten years, and he is just as much a friend to me now as he as ten years ago. That is how I am.

I read this article on the Internet entitled “Finding out old friend is gay is not so important”.

I was chatting with a new young friend a few days ago when the talk turned to an old friend. It seems my new friend “spent a good part of the ’80s working for” this older guy. [...]

I haven’t seen the old friend in years, which happens sometimes, even when you both stay in the same town. It’s the way of the world. As much as you still enjoy them, some friends are linked to certain times of your life. They were co-stars of an era, and you see them in your mind’s eye, forever young at that place where everybody knew your name.

So, I asked for an update.

“How is old so-and-so?” I said. “You know you were lucky to work for him. He’s a legend in that whole industry.”

“I know, I know,” he said. “And he lived his life as a proud gay man. That couldn’t have been easy in the 1970s.”

Long pause.

I stood there with a just-walked-into-a-glass-door look on my face as I reshuffled my mental files. [...]

But sometimes these days, we get the feeling that being gay is not just important, it’s the most important thing about a person. Listening to the political and religious storm around us, we can wonder if it’s the defining thing, the thing that determines whether a person should be teaching our kids, taking communion or even living next door.

In that sense, you can argue I really didn’t know this person at all. I could tell you that he was a good man and trustworthy friend, and you might say, yeah, sure, you didn’t even know he was gay.

I guess I was feeling a little that way myself. My feelings were hurt that I missed something important. I wasn’t in the loop on something a friend was proud of.

If there’s one thing I’m beginning to learn about straight society, it’s how little they really understand gay culture.

In that sense, you can argue I really didn’t know this person at all. ... My feelings were hurt that I missed something important. I wasn’t in the loop on something a friend was proud of.

That statement right there tells me that the concept of not being able to be yourself is absolutely foreign to so many people. They don’t understand the fear of being rejected by friends and family.

I am 50 now. If I haven’t gotten over the fear of losing friends because I’m gay, I suppose I never will. But it amazes me that society doesn’t understand us being open with them when people like me are commonly beaten up, verbally berated, or killed. We are talking very basic survival here in many instances.

For me, I take friendship seriously. So seriously in fact, that I will avoid the topic of my sexuality in friendships. If I don’t need to bring it up, I won’t. The problem is, at some point in time if the friendship develops, there is a time of reckoning. You have to tell your friend that you are gay because if you don’t do that, they will never understand who you are.

Many straight people will say, “Well, I never tell my friends I’m straight. Why do you feel the need to say anything?” The answer is that being straight is assumed, so all these questions are automatically answered. It is assumed that you have someone in your life (or will have) and it is assumed that it will be someone who is the opposite sex. All of this does not need to be articulated.

For us, getting to know a new friend who is straight or disclosing the fact that we are gay can be risky on many fronts. Do you know how he/she feels about gays or gay civil rights? How about gay marriage? A new friend could seem like a nice person, but what you may not know is that they have real issues with gays. I suppose many will say that I’m too sensitive about this, but I’m only talking from experience.

I’ll end with this letter that I posted over a year ago. I says it all.

As I get older, one of the things that I’ve trimmed out of my life is all the BS that happens over time. For example, I no longer have friends who were only friends who take advantage of me for being such a nice guy. It’s true, I have a big heart for people in need. You would be surprised at just how many people are out there who want to take advantage of that.

I had a friend once who wrote me a very abusive letter. He was feeling that I was making light of a relationship he was having with his new female friend (she had dumped him once before) and now he was getting back with her. Instead of just telling me how he was feeling, he started his instant message to me this way, “You fucking asshole.” I was absolutely shocked. I asked him, “Are you ok?” I honestly had no idea why he was so pissed at me or why such harsh language. Well, it went down hill from there. He ended the message by saying, “I don’t want you in my life any longer.” My reply, “ok. Goodbye. Have a nice life.” That was all I said and those were our last words. I never looked back and I have never regretted it. That was six years ago.

I had come to the conclusion that I don’t need people in my life who pull that kind of crap with me. This happened almost six years ago. Why did I have that reaction? Because when I was in my early twenties, Kent and I had a friend who did exactly the same thing to me. I can’t tell you how many times I went home crying from having hurt feelings by something very caustic this person said to me. That was almost thirty years ago. I vowed that I would never let anyone treat me that way again.

Fast forward to what happened six years ago, and you can probably understand why I had that reaction. I just won’t allow people to give me emotional turmoil anymore.

Over time, I’ve also applied this to other areas of my life. I am no longer willing to be second rate at anything. This applies to being able to have marriage for me and my partner, having gay citizens being able to serve openly in the military, and other aspects of life that are unfair and wrong.

You may ask, what can I do about all the injustices in life? The answer is simple. Don’t support the injustices in life. That is what you, as an individual, have absolute control over. Use that!

Example: Kent mentioned an Internet service provider this afternoon as a company I may want to move this website too. My very first question was, “Where are they located?” We found out they are located in Michigan. Kent asked, “They are ok, aren’t they?” I answered, “Nope. Michigan just passed a constitutional amendment against gay marriage and they are looking at legislation preventing gay couples from being able to adopt children.” That was the end of consideration for that company. That, in and of itself, has nothing to do with that company, but the company will in some way support that state by paying state taxes. I won’t support that. That is my statement to them telling them that it sucks for them to be in a state that is that closed minded, and, there is a price to be paid for that. The price is my total loss of even being considered for business. Now, if enough of us would do that...

Another issue is the lifetime ban of gay men to donate blood. It is a stupid policy that is very discriminatory. But more than that, it gives people a very false sense of security which could risk their lives. Gay men are no longer the group that has the fastest growing incidence of HIV in this nation, but you can’t tell that by looking at the current policy of the Red Cross - a policy that was founded in 1990. For instance,

A senior executive at the Red Cross said it had no control over the ban on blood donations from men who had had sex with men.

“It’s an FDA policy,” chief medical officer Jerry Squires said at the organization’s headquarters in Washington. “I’m trying to say as clearly as I can that we’re not the experts.”

At an FDA hearing in 2000, the last time the agency reviewed its policy, the Red Cross testified in favor of keeping what the industry called a “lifetime deferral” for men who had had sex with men. The FDA’s expert panel voted 7 to 6 to maintain the ban.

Derek Mitchell, who organized the Red Cross boycott at the University of Maine, said the organization was largely responsible for the FDA decision. [...]

They point out that the rules are far more forgiving to members of other high-risk groups. “A woman who has sex with a bisexual man is banned for just a year,” Mitchell said. “A man who has sex with the same man is banned for life.”

Squires, of the Red Cross, acknowledged that was an inconsistency in the rules. (source)

No kidding it’s inconsistent. But for me, I’ve long accepted that it’s ok that I can’t give blood anymore. I used to give blood at every opportunity. I did so because as a citizen, I wanted to do my part to help others in need. When the ban was put into place, I could understand the rationale. I didn’t like the policy, but I did understand it. Now, it’s pure homophobia and prejudice at work.

Over time, I stopped caring about the policy. If you intellectually analyze the issue, why should I care? I can’t effect the policy. I can’t change people’s minds other than trying to be an example of what I am, which I am doing. So, I suppose it all comes down to three simple words: “Not my problem.”

I don’t say that in a hateful or mean spirited way. It’s more of a reconciliation of the way things are. I’m 50 now. If the American Red Cross wants to collectively be assholes, does this really affect me? No, not unless I let it affect me. So many things in life are that way. So many problems that we, all of us, carry around in life are like a sack of bricks we carry on our backs. All we have to do is put the sack down.

Other writings on this
The way I felt... 15 years ago

President Bush said Monday that special-interest groups running TV ads and mobilizing supporters for a fight over his choice of a successor to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor should “tone down the heated rhetoric.” He forcefully defended Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a prospect criticized by conservatives. (source)

Should I remind the President that back in say... 1962 - 1964, “blacks”, or “negros” as African Americans were then called, were what we would today call a “special interest group”. Like gays today, they were only looking for one thing; EQUALITY, and to be an equal part of American life. Not “separate, but equal”.

But would the President today dare call that part of American society a “special interest group”? I doubt it. Maybe it’s time gays started rioting? Maybe we’re just not pissed off enough yet.

Yes, I know... I’m going to get a lot of hate mail saying that “the fight that blacks faced back in the 1960’s was not the same thing”. But I would only say to you that, from my end, it feels the same. It feels very much like riding in the back of the bus. We are at the black water fountain of marriage and should never dare to drink from the white water fountain of marriage. To dismiss or minimize our quest for equality, we are simply herded up and a label (“special interest group”) is placed on us, like a four-letter word.

That’s how things are done in America today. Everything has a label and every label has it’s place in society. And, we’ll wrap all of that up and put the label of “freedom” on it. Nice and tidy.

So, what label are you? I have many; complex, simple, depressed, optimistic, gay, caring, apathetic (sometimes), angry, forgiving, husband, lover, and many others. All of those are fine with most people, except my experience is that most people, friends, drop me like a rock when they find out that I’m gay. It’s strange how that one label outweighs all the others because to me, it doesn’t.

For example, I have a friend that I haven’t seen in ten years. Suddenly, he wants to be friends again. But, I can tell what he really wants me to tell him is that I’m gay. I can tell this by the way he uses the conversation to talk about his new wife, turning right around to ask who I have in my life. He knows I’m gay because he used to work for me. At the time, other co-workers told me that he didn’t “approve” of me being gay. It was never mentioned at work, and I never talked to him about it.

Now, ten years later, gay people are out and everywhere, not only in real life, but on TV and movies as well. I suppose he feels that it’s time for him to be more accepting and wants to show me that he “understands”. But why should I give him the satisfaction of putting the gay label on myself, when I am so much more than that?

This site is not a “gay site”. I talk about a lot of gay issues here, but it is because the world I live in and the country I live in is completely messed up around the topic of homosexuality, and whether I like it or not, I’m part of that mess. My writing merely reflects my frustration with being totally marginalized and demonized by “the government of the people, by the people, for the people”. Right now, our government doesn’t care about my people, aside from taxing the hell out of us and telling us what we can’t have. They simply say that we are a “special interest group” for wanting equality, of all things! How dare us!

On another topic...

While I was driving home from the gym last night, I noticed that the guy in front of me had a Bush/Cheney ’04 bumper sticker on his car. On the other side of the bumper was a sticker that said “Flip Floppers” with an “X” through it, referring to John Kerry, I’m assuming.

I thought to myself about the irony involved here. How many times has our President flip flopped on just about every issue involving the war in Iraq, or energy, the environment, or ... [insert your own topic here]? The only thing this President has been rock solid on is his hatred of gays, abortion, and putting the interests of oil companies and personal vendettas ahead of the lives of our boys in Iraq. Aside from those hot topics that can be labeled as being a “special interest”, this President doesn’t have intellect to reason his way out of a paper bag. I honestly believe that. Does he have any ideas that are truly his own? I say this because when he tries to talk without the help of a prepared speech, he can’t put a sentence together.

It’s all about labels and the weight one puts on those labels. It has nothing to do with what’s important - the lives of real people.

Do you think there will ever be a time again in America where our President and our government will put those lives above labels?