Essays: December 2005 Archives

I’m in Yuma, Arizona spending Christmas in a much warmer climate. It was clear yesterday and reached 83 degrees. That’s not bad since the climate is very dry. It did seem strange to me to wear a short sleeved shirt on Christmas Day.

I’m basically having a good time. Yes, I’ve been on line, but have opted not to say much. I still surf the Internet. I still see all the injustices that people face. Do I write about them? Do I try to show that at least one person in the world (me) cares about the injustices that people face? Or, will I be accused yet again of “whining”? (see resolutions # 3 & 7)

I’m also wondering how much longer I will be coming to Arizona - a state that also has an issue with the idea of two gay people being a couple. As I’ve said in the past, I will not support a business, organization, or a state that has an issue with my marriage to Kent. But it’s more than that. We have spent money drafting up papers trying to be extremely specific about our relationship and intentions, in legal terms. We have gone to a lawyer who specializes in the law, specifically for gay couples. The documents take existing benefits given to straight married people through being married, and tries to make it very specific about the intentions of the two people involved in the relationship. And the 60 million dollar question is, will it be enough?

In Connecticut, perhaps it will be. But everything our lawyer has drawn up is not “portable”; it does not go from state to state. The concepts of what the documents are saying are universal, but a state can opt to ignore those concepts. Our lawyer made it very clear that when we travel to another state and are in an accident, we can scream and shout about not having hospital visitation and all the rest, but it is really up to the state we are in if they want to honor anything on the legal papers that we present. In other words, the papers don’t carry much weight in a state that gives no weight to our relationship, or to those people who see our relationship as being sinful. Arizona has made it clear that they fall into that category even though, at this point in time, they at least haven’t codified that into their constitution. But, they are talking about doing that.

So I have a few “New Year’s Resolutions” that I think I will agree to. Here they are.

1) Try to think less about all the “what ifs” that would happen to us if one of us becomes ill or is in an accident. Maybe by the time that happens, people will value people more and not be complete moralistic jerks about the whole thing. Let’s roll the dice and maybe we’ll be lucky.

2) Don’t assume those who say they are “friends” really are friends. Sometimes, it’s not a bad thing to cut people lose who claim to be your friend.

3) Mom always told me, “YOU be the example”. Mom, I have been and will continue to be “the example”. I will continue to be compassionate towards people and to fight against every single impulse in my body that tells me that people in general are worthless, self-serving beings not worthy of one second of my time. And even though they want me to have no recognition of the most important thing in my life, I will try my best not to hate their guts for it. That’s about as good as I can do at this point in time. This is personal. This is very personal.

4) I will be more cautious of who I offer friendship too. This means that I will continue to value friendship as something very special and precious. And this year, I have to recognize that most people are simply not worthy of the friendship I offer.

5) Do not trust the government to be able to do anything. They are driven by only their own self-serving interests (i.e. making money). If, along the way, they actually do something that helps people, it’s a side effect of that action, not a cause of any intentional action taken by the current administration. I didn’t vote for the bastard, so I think that gives me ample leverage to bitch and moan.

6) To the rest of the people of the world who’s families we have destroyed through the actions of the United States, I’m sorry. Not all Americans are complete assholes - just most of us. I am sorry that we killed your children and destroyed your homes. I am sorry that we came into your country, tore the hell out of it, and then opened it up to U.S. contractors who were very interested in reaping the profits of the war we waged upon you. You paid for the democracy (our brand of democracy) that we are giving you. I hope that you can live with it better than I’m living with it. In our own country, it’s not that democratic.

7) I love my family. I am more committed to that than ever. Everything I read tells me that more and more people in society are more comfortable with people like me. Who the fuck cares? I don’t give a rats ass if they are more comfortable with me or not. I’m not here to give credence to what a wonderful person they are because they have tolerance for me. I’m bitter and pissed off. Resolution # 7 is to accept those feelings and to understand that at best, most all of America barely tolerates gays. If I’m lucky, I would like to get to a point that I honestly don’t give a shit about that fact. Unfortunately, some part of me still cares about that.

8) To all the Christians out there (yes, every fucking last one of you who makes time in your everyday life to pass judgment upon people like me), get over it. I’m sick and tired of you taking one little verse in the Bible condemning homosexuality (Old Testament), and ignoring every thing you do in your life that goes against all the other list of “sins” the Bible very clearly spells out, that you conveniently ignore. You might want to consider the fact that homosexuality was so important to Jesus, that he never once spoke against it - NOT ONCE.

To all of you Christians, I’ve had enough. I simply, in all honesty, hate your guts. Yes, I know, hating your guts is yet another “sin” against me, but I think that you trying to strip away any recognition of my personal relationship with my life partner is at least worth a pout, don’t you? So resolution # 8 is for ME to become more tolerant and comfortable of YOU. But that’s not up to me. It’s easier for me to simply despise what you stand for (the destruction of my family) and to tell you all to go to Hell. Resolution # 8 is to try to open myself to tolerance if any of you decide to truly accept my family (BIG FUCKING IF), but I’m the better person for it. The Lord’s Prayer says, “...and forgive those who trespass against us.” Well, until you all started passing constitutional amendments banning my family from being legally recognized in marriage or even a “civil union”, I was willing to try to do that. Not any more. Forgiveness now will have to be earned.

And the “gay agenda” that you love to push out there as your loaded phrase du jour, is an agenda that talks of respect, tolerance, and something that you seem to truly lack; LOVE. My “gay agenda” is to be equal to you. I’m not asking to be better than you. I’m not asking for your forgiveness for anything. I’m not asking for more rights or privileges than you enjoy. I’m not asking to be able to marry a goat or a horse. My “gay agenda” is demanding equality, respect, and dignity. And how the hell do you turn the argument of me being able to marry my partner into one of bestiality? Some of you are pretty damned warped.

The Christian Agenda has been made painfully obvious. You started out by bitching about how allowing gay couples to marry would destroy the “sanctity of marriage”, completely ignoring the fact that gays have had nothing what so ever to do with what you have done to marriage. Come on guys, a 55% divorce rate, and you have the gall to say that gays will ruin marriage! Unbelievable.

So what do you do? You start pushing for state constitutional amendments that will prevent gay couples from ever achieving marriage in a state by state basis. But wait! There’s more! You don’t stop there. As long as you are at it, you also stick in language such as “this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” In other words, you prevent us from even having all the benefits of marriage by forming civil unions. That is your agenda - to make sure that we ride in the back of the bus. Actually, in this case, we have to walk since we aren’t even allowed to get on the bus, as we would get nothing at all. Now that’s Christian love for you.

A final thought on Christians... You have a lot of hate and meanness in your hearts and you are masters at wrapping that crap up and labeling it as “Christian Love”... “hate the sin, love the sinner” bullshit. My message to you is, take your love and shove it, because THAT IS NOT LOVE and if I were you, I’d start being a bit more careful what you freely do in the name of God.

I leave you with two thoughts. The first one is this...

“I don’t really want to do it. They always define it as coming out of the closet, but I don’t consider myself to be out of the closet. Where I live, you can’t really go out and be yourself. You couldn’t go out together, two guys, as a couple and ever be accepted. It wasn’t accepted in the past, it’s still not, and I don’t think it ever will be.” (source)

That is what you have done to us. I wish in this life or the next life, the same for you.

And finally....

Have a Merry Christmas Happy Holiday.

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to CNN trying to catch up on the daily news. Pretty much the same old stuff; Iraq is still going to crap, President Bush “accepts full blame for misinformation that took us into the war in Iraq, but...”, etc....

I switched to a different channel. I tend to channel surf a lot to try to get a different take on things from different news sources. I somehow think that will give me a more well rounded view of the world. But lately, everything has been pretty much the same. Iraq is going to crap, more people are dying, Iran wants Israel wiped off the face of the earth (which the Bush Administration is quick to respond, “SEE!!! THAT is why they must never have nucular [sic] weapons!”), and yet, we wonder why they are hanging gay people in Iran. A strange world.

I grew tired of all the news propaganda (these days, that seems to take about 10 minutes). I switched over to Air America Radio. You know, the place where “enlightened people” talk; a place where our “friends” talk. They are on XM Satellite Radio (XM channel 167). I only listen to XM now for pretty much everything. The program on this morning was “Morning Sedition”, with hosts Marc Maron and Mark Riley.

They were responding to a call left on their answering machine concerning a remark they made yesterday concerning “Bareback Mountain”. They were making a remark about the new movie that is out called Brokeback Mountain, and they made a reference to it as “Bareback Mountain”. The message on their answering machine said that the remark was very insensitive and homophobic.

Marc and Mark said that they were not homophobic and that the term “bare back” is used to describe two people, homosexual or heterosexual, who have sex without condoms.

In all my years, I have never once heard the term “bare back” used to describe any sex act performed by a heterosexual couple. It is always used in terms of two gay men (to my knowledge). And, it is often used to describe men who still have multiple sexual encounters who get a thrill from having unprotected (no condom) anal sex (hence the term “bare backing”) with their partner. Most of the time, neither one knows the HIV status of their partner. Of course, this is highly risky and dangerous business. I’m not going to comment on it further, because I could devote an entire entry to just “bare backing”, and what I think of the practice. That is not the point with this entry.

The point is, when heterosexuals have sex without a condom, it is called “unprotected sex”. That same term is also used for homosexual sex. But, the term “bare backing” has only been used to describe gay men having sex without a condom.

This all leads up to the argument that the hosts of Morning Sedition were trying to make, that 1) they are not homophobic, 2) “bare backing” is a term used regardless of sexual orientation, and 3) people are too sensitive and that the real problem is that people take ownership of terms so it’s really impossible for radio hosts not to offend someone these days.

Point 1 - they are homophobic:
Yes, the comment was homophobic, so yes, at some level, they are homophobic. Whether or not they want to own up to that is doubtful. They pretty much tried to dismiss the comment left on the phone as some wacko making a stupid comment. Basically, they tried to get away from making a crude joke at the expense of the gay community. For this listener, they aren’t going to get away with that. If the movie was about a heterosexual couple in love against all odds, their comment about “bare back mountain” would have made no sense to any listener. They therefore, if they are being honest about it, would not have used that term.

Point 2: “bare backing” is a term used regardless of sexual orientation:
Not true. As I just mention, if the story was about a heterosexual love story, the comment would have made no sense to listeners. The comment holds no merit.

Point 3: People are too sensitive and that the real problem is that people take ownership of terms so it’s really impossible for radio hosts not to offend someone these days:
We have “taken ownership” of some terms, but not by our choice. I sometimes call myself “queer” or “fag” or “gay”. I suppose I have taken ownership of the terms because that is often how this fucked up society has chosen to describe people like myself - as a way to put us in our place, I suppose. Society still has the need to put everyone in a category. Terms such as “faggot” is still used freely in society to describe us in derogatory terms. African Americans still have labels. They are called “African Americans”. The term “blacks” is less acceptable now and the “‘N’ word” is always referred to as the “‘N’ word”; not an acceptable way to refer to people of African decent, but we all know what they really mean. It’s just makes the racist comment a bit more sanitized. And for the record, in terms of being derogatory, the “‘N’ word” = “faggot”.

So yes, I have taken ownership of the term “faggot”. On average, I get called the term 5-6 times a year, along with “queer”. It used to be much more often so I suppose that society is making some progress in terms of our community if you can go by that. I don’t bother countering it because quite frankly, it’s no longer worth my time. Also, by not countering it I take away the homophobes’ power in using the word. It simply is beneath my dignity to respond to the comments with a response.

But, that does not make the comments right. The fact that I have accepted being called these names does not make it “ok” to call gay people these names. And, when I’m paying for a radio subscription, I’m not paying to hear my community being patronized and used as the punch line of some crude, cheap joke.

I changed channels and just chalked it up to ... “morons”... and decided that for me, I will avoid “Morning Sedition” from now on.

In contrast, Randi Rhodes makes absolutely no excuses for bigotry in any form. She openly attacks homophobia and racism for what it is. I like her show a lot. I just wish that other “enlightened people” (which Air America claims to be made up of) would exist across their spectrum.

For Morning Sedition, this is sadly not the case.